Excellent post Stick!!! I have touched on the same thing before when I've written about just the way DH and I parent. Yes, once in a while DH does things simply out of guilt, and once in a while, I do the same thing with perfectson. I DO feel guilty on occasion that he didn't get the regular nuclear family he was born into and now he's in this step family that he didn't ask for. So sure, I do things out of guilt sometimes.

However, DH and I would definitely be labeled as 'Disneyland' parents. We buy the kids tons of stuff that they don't need, but that they want (when we can afford it), we are always on the go whether it be ball games, movies, amusement parks, zoos, whatever we can afford to do and wherever we wake up and decide to go. Some weekends, like this weekend when SDs aren't here and perfectson has been gone most of the weekend, DH and I have some quiet together time, but it's a rare treat. Usually, it's all about the kids. Is all of that out of guilt? Absolutely not!!! This is just the way we live. BM doesn't do any of that stuff and she loves to slap the disneyland label on us, but the truth of the matter is that's just one of the many reasons she and DH split up years back. She doesn't like to do anything or go anywhere. So because I do, and DH and I do all this stuff with the girls, it's supposedly out of guilt. Nope, it's not, it's just the way we live.

I hate seeing "guilt parent" thrown around all the time with no basis as well. My reasoning is the same, not everything they do is guilt. And.....this is a huge AND......why wouldn't they feel guilty?

I know my DH loves his daughters to death. He used to get to kiss them good night every single night, tuck them in, be there for every single crisis. Now he's not. Now he's EOW. It hurts him, so when his daughter is over he doesn't want to spend the few precious days a month he does have with her fussing at her. I don't blame him, I don't either! I want her to have fun when she's with us. I want it to be light hearted and relaxing. I want to enjoy her. If something comes up that we have no choice but to lay down the law we do, but I can honestly say that DH and I both guilt parent, if that's what you want to call it, SD 15. It's not out of any kind of guilt, it's just because she is a huge part of our hearts and we don't get to see her very often. That's not guilt, it's love.

To the peeps that constantly say "guilty this or that" I propose a challenge. Answer as honest as possible, but how would you treat your DH if you only saw him EOW? I bet the arguments would be put aside, the pampering would be big! And of course it would, you would want to spend as much positive time as you could with him because you love him and miss him. Is that guilt? No, it's love.

Since DH has been in the hospital I haven't got to spend to much time with my kids. They are at my moms and when I do go there to spend the night (only been two nights out of 12) I lavash them with attention. Of course I do, I miss my babies. I can't stand not seeing them every day and spending as much time with them as possible. It's not out of guilt, it's out of love that I hold my daughter from the time I walk in the door until she wakes up in the morning. So I can definatley understand why DH lets little things go with SD. And why I do to.

I think this a great blog Stick and I think alot of people may get a better understanding of so called guilt through what you have said. Thanks!!

Do I believe in guilty parenting? YES

Do I think that there is a higher percentage of stepparents on this site that deal with significant others who are guilty parents? yes...I believe a lot of step parents are dealing with the hardships of being married to a guilt parent...but then again...there are lots of step parents here that THINK their spouse is a guilt parent when really they're just trying to be a GOOD parent...it's a fine line that some have a hard time seeing.

Do I think that our perception of guilty parenting is correct? No. Some of us seem extra special sensitive to "guilt parenting" warning signs and we end up getting it all wrong.
Example--Guilt parent: child wants a new game/toy. Parent says no. child begins to get upset. parent still says no. child has a full blown meltdown stating if they were with their OTHER parent they would be able to have the toy OR using the tactic of, "but you buy your wife/husband everything they want!!" After meltdown...parent caves and buys new item for child.

Example of ---Good parent: Child gets good grades on test...wants a toy. Parent agrees and they go shopping. Child wants new toy but parent would have to spend a large amount of money on it and spouse feels it's an outlandish toy for just passing a test...other parent disagrees and buys toy anyway.

Where we often get confused is thinking just bc parent bought something expensive that they were being guilted into it...when really they weren't. They did it of their own free will and desire to reward their child for a job well done on a test. I went through this with my husband spending an insane amount of $$ on concert tickets for sd. Then it was put into perspective that he wasn't guilted into it...he did it bc he WANTED TO...that's good parenting vs guilt parenting.

I do think that some of our spouses / SO's are guilty of guilty parenting!! ---I think this about my husband occasionally but ONLY when it's blatently OBVIOUS he's being a guilt daddy and not just a good daddy. It's easier to spot when he's being a guilt daddy now that I've learned to spot when i'm being a guilt mommy to my son. Because oh yes...i have been a guilt mommy on occasion *GASP* hehe...

~Why run away? I know who I am...you know who I am. Just let me be~

I haven't read all of the responses.

I think BF does some guilt parenting towards SD but not SS. I think the reason this is, is b/c of her manipulation, the fact that she is younger, and b/c she's a girl. When he does this everyone can see it, my daughter, me, his son, AND SD. She knows he does this and she plays on it. He says he's a little leniate on SD since she isn't in our home often and because overall she is a well behaved child, which she is, but this is sending the wrong message to EVERY child in the house, including her. When she does something wrong, she should get the same punishment as everyone else. BF realizes he does this, but the problem is that he can't see the harm in what he's doing.

Now granted, this doesn't always happen. And I admit sometimes I think he's guilt parenting when he's really just doing what any other loving parent would do. Sometimes I have to take a step back, put my daughter and I in the same situation and think if I would've reacted or done the same thing he did, and most of the time my answer is yes.

That has really eliminated alot of resentment towards him and SD.

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“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."