A sad day....
Hi, this is my 2nd blog, I don't know quite how to start. I have a SD14 and have been married to DH for 12 years. Although we don't have full custody we have her everyday after school until BM is off work, and every Sunday for church and such. Well, the past month SD has realized that she isn't liking it much over here at our house. I have to say it is because around that time we noticed her grades slipping and DH and I were always making sure daily that her work was being done.She is now failing, because she refuses to turn in her work and is becoming a class clown in most of her classes. So, last week we had a talk with her BM about the grades and BM just stated out right "if SD doesnt care then why should we? We should just let her be a drop out. And that as long as she doesn't get pregnant in highschool she's done her job!" WOW!! I was amazed! Such support. I had realized she loves to be with her BM now because she lets her do pretty much whatever she wants, so of course any teen would make that choice. Well, recently we became aware that there are nights that BM leaves SD alone with her 8yr old sister, while she goes "clubbing", is it just me or is that not ok? It's usually during the week. And also leaves SD home with her friends and sister while she has 24hr softball tournaments. It's concerning to me...but I guess thats a different story. So anyhow today SD text my DH if she could go home with her BFF after school, she had already asked BM and BM said it was up to Dad. So, we looked up her grades and she is still failing 2 of her 4 classes,so DH said, no she couldn't go. So, I picked her up from school, lucky me...I got the death stare. When she came home we talked to her and let her know why we didn't think she has earned being able to go out this weekend. Of course we didnt get any response, and after a long conversation with her, she stated she didn't like being here and never has. So, that was the sad point. We asked her why, she said because I don't. I don't want to be here at all. So, my question through all of this is do we just let her go? And let her come when she wants to? I am scared she wont have anyone to help her with her homework and things like that. She's been very spiteful lately and doesnt talk to anyone here, including her two siblings. She told her Mom she feels uncomfortable here because we ignore her. Which is a big FAT lie!! We try every day with her to get her to open up, so her Mom thinks we are horrible because we ignore her, its such a big mess. i don't know why things are getting so out of hand. I even tried to have a heart to heart with her the other day, told her how much I loved her and always have since she was 2yrs old, and that I will always be her for her..all that good stuff. As of now her opinion about us is that DH and I have never been there for her until now, and I'm not her Mom. Its strange because she used to always love being with us and her and I were very very close. I told her I'm here when shes ready. I feel so badly for DH, he tries and tries and tries and his heart is breaking. we don't want to give up on her, but do we force her to be with us? I'm just sad over all of this.
Comments
I'm so sad for you. Maybe
I'm so sad for you.
Maybe there is something going on in SD's life that you and DH don't know about. I do think you both need to be in frequent communication with her teachers and maybe with them you could all work out a plan to help her. Maybe she could benefit from counseling. There's almost always an underlying reason as to why kids start having difficulty in school. Often, these are issues that a good therapist can help kids and teens on. I also think part of it is her being a teenager. They get moody all the time, so I think some of this is typical teen behavior.
Thankyou for your input. I
Thankyou for your input. I also, told DH the same thing. And luckily I have been in communication with her teachers, who have told me what can be done to help the grades, that she is really busy socializing and what goes on pretty often. A while ago we spoke with her before she went to bed to tell her we love her, we don't like to go to bed on a bad note. She said that someone has been picking on her, and that she isn't doing well in school because she is dumb. We mentioned that she didn't have to go through all of this alone, we are here to listen with no judgement. I am looking up things such as inspirational quotes and such for teens, and want to make her something nice that will let her have hope and faith. I will also look into finding a therapist. I know its so important for her to talk to an adult, even if it isn't us. All of her advice comes from peers at this point. Do you think we should give her space from us or keep with our regular routine?
I would try to keep the
I would try to keep the regular schedule if you can. But if she becomes abusive to you, I personally would let her parents handle her and make the decisions. It is sweet what you are trying to do, but you are fighting the rising tide of puberty, where it all gets thrown out the window unless you have control/custody of the child IMO.
The lying and making up stories is also standard procedure in this case, I would point out to SD it is not true and she knows it. BM is going to say/do/believe whatever she wants so I wouldn't worry about her perception of you because of this.
Our SD did this too, and did poorly in school, until she is realizing now she needs to get good grades if she wants to go to college. We don't know her grades yet, but our BM is the same, full custody, no rules, do whatever you want.
The child has to want to do it. After a certain point, we had to just throw up our hands and hope for the best. What I always say about SD, where she can hear it, is, that she is the one who will have to live with her actions and decisions, they will affect her and no one else.
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)She doesn't want to be at
She doesn't want to be at yur house because u have rules....we went thru this with my skids in the beginning...the BM let them do whatever they wanted, etc....BUT...she was a low life POS and spent cs on herself and the kids were a mess....no food, no clothes, etc...anyway....DH put his foot down and said...ok...if u hate it here so much, don't come...but DO NOT call me for $$$ or any other stuff u "need", cuz now yur mom is responsible for everything....well...u know how that went....eventually the "freedom" over there got old and
believe it or not they started wanting decent clothes, school supplies, food, etc.....so they started to come back and actually wanted the rules because they learned that BM's way was the "trashy" way (their words)....it worked for us, but it takes a very strong DH to say, ok if u don't choose to come here anymore, then good luck...I will pay my cs and that's it.....don't call me becuz u want something....oh and today...LOL...we have fc of the kids, cuz BM went off to live her life after she realized her kids wanted nothing to do with her anymore.....good luck!!!!
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....
Lotus Flower is right on the
Lotus Flower is right on the money. It is impossible to enforce proper rules and discipline where there is a place for the teen to escape to. If BM is not making the same rules at her house, then the teen will want to go there. It is just natural and it happened to me too. My SD at 16 got made because I told her to stop texting her boyfriend and study for her exam instead. She refused and I took away her phone (which we pay for). She threw such a tantrum, full with screaming, etc., and she went to her mom's for 3 months. Just recently, at 20, my DH FINALLY told her she needs to repair her relationships in this family. In thinking about it, SD could not identify any reason she was upset with anyone. It's just normal teenage bullshit. BUT, if DH cannot just tell her what to do and give her consequences for shitty attitudes (take away car, privileges, phone, time with friends, etc), then toss her over to BM. She will either go astray or she will come back to you. You can't control it. But you can have the most caring sit down with her before she goes to explain it all in detail as to why and why it is not best for her and that you will be there when and if she returns, no questions asked, but when she returns it is HOUSE RULES.
Hey, this is typical teenage
Hey, this is typical teenage stuff. Don't take it personal, she is just saying that stuff cause she'd rather be at the house with no rules. I wouldn't change a thing, sounds like you guys are doing everything right. She at least needs one set of responsible parents, she will be thankful later on when she's not some HS dropout with no goals. Dont get discouraged, if she were yours and your DHs child you wouldnt even have the option of just not making her come home, so dont let it be an option now. You are doing a great job! Its just a phase, its typical teenage stuff. Keep talking to her, keep trying and stay on her about her grades. Maybe try a tutor if she's saying she feels dumb.
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
Thankyou everyone for your
Thankyou everyone for your wonderful advice. I got a couple of negative replies saying that I shouldn't be so involved and that I should try and love her less. There is no way that I can do that!! I love this child to no end, and would do anything for her. Honestly I love her as my own. Isn't that normal?? DH and I are taking SD out to dinner later, only us no other kiddos to just get some time alone with her. We aren't going to give up, but we are going to let her know that we have RULES and she has to follow them. And that there will be consequences if she can't. I looked into tutoring and found a couple of good programs. I am thinking maybe she just needs something that can boost her confidence and maybe she will come around. We spoke with BM and let her know our feelings on the grades and such and that we think it should be consistent all the way around. If she does bring the grades up and shows us she's trying, then we can talk about the hanging out on weekends thing. At this point it is up to her if she wants it or not. We won't stop bugging her about school, it is so important!!! We are struggling with the decision of letting her decide if she wants to come over or not, but I think consistency right now is what she needs the most. We will see how it works from here on, but hopefully it will be ok!!! My DH is so distraught over all of this, I just remind him that she loves us, she's just a teenager. Thankyou EVERYONE!!!
Sounds like typical teen
Sounds like typical teen behavior. Parents feel they have to take care of their kids, whether they are 9 or 19 years old. But as kids get older, they engage in more risky behavior, and “taking care of them” becomes more challenging. When they’re five, they’re climbing the monkey bars and you’re worried they’re going to break their arm. At eleven they’re starting to play football or baseball and you’re afraid they might get hurt with a piece of equipment. At 16, they’re starting to drive, they’re often getting money on their own, and they’re around people with drugs. On the surface, they may seem much more independent, but actually they are simply much more able to put their parents off and hide what’s really going on with them.