Problems with DH-Could be kind of long, lol
I have issues with my SS's behavior, and the BM's influence, my BS being a teenager, but I'm sooo frustrated with my DH at the moment. I was going to write all this in my journal, but decided that's what ya'll are here for! First, a little more information. My DH is working in a different state than we live. He's dealing with chronic pain, insomnia, and depression. Which is making him irritable, emotional, and at times angry. I know all this, I try to be understanding and deal, but I'm just overwhelmed (and have PMS, lol) and frustrated, and tired.
He guilt parents his BS, I feel like he can be too hard on my BS, he seems to forget I work a full time job just like he does. I take care of the BS14, all the bills, all the appointments, 99% of any phone calls and things that need to be handled, the house, the two dogs (that I didn't want), the yard, the shopping, etc. I also have family, friends, hobbies, and things that I don't want to give up, even though I've had to cut way back. I can't seem to talk to DH about any of the things I'm feeling, any of the stress, any of the problems we have (normal ones like money, house repairs, etc), or the kids. Sometimes I think he thinks I'm magic, cause it would take magic powers to finish everything he seems to expect I can do! He thinks I never agree with anything he says about BS14, that I never admit when I'm wrong (which is a problem, I admit), and that I'M the one who's always upset. I'm not very verbal about my feelings anyway, and with the situation he's in, any conversation we have about anything just seems to set him off, either to be angry, or sad, or frustrated cause he feels he can't do anything from so far away. I'm about to the breaking point, but don't see any way out of it. I would love to go to a counselor, but can't take the time off work.
He used to be happy to talk to me on the phone, happy to be seeing me, he used to treat me like I was an angel (tho his perfectionism has always been around). It made all the stress at least seem worth it. Now he just gripes and bitches at me, and I feel like he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. But again, if I bring it up, I get the "I'm exhausted and in pain, and worried, etc, etc." speech, and then I just feel even worse about bringing it up, or that I'm being selfish, or at least not understanding. I just wanna run away sometimes. or take up drinking. or both.
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SB this must be really hard
SB this must be really hard for you. It sounds like you guys really hit a rough patch. Perhaps that can be because your conversations are completely centered around everything that is going on in life.
It seems like your DH has alot going on, on top of the fact that he works out of town, which means he doesn't get to see you guys much.
I'm sure he still loves you, he just is trying to find a way to cope with all the stress that is going on. He needs you as much as you need him right now.
(((HUGS)))
SB, it is tough when so much
SB, it is tough when so much is going on and it seems like there are so many different problems.
What I generally do when I have a lot of tough things going on in my life, is to sit down and make a list of all the problems (which you kind of just did in your blog, but I think it helps to actually make a *list*). Then I look at the list, and pick one thing that I can actually take concrete action on and actually DO something about. Notice, I didn't say "solve", I said "do" something about. For me, just the act of looking at everything and making a decision to act that will change one of those things for the better (even slightly) makes me feel so much more in control.
I hope that advice is a little useful. The other thing I would say is to try to establish a time once or twice a week (even if it's only for, say, 1/2 hour) where the two of you get a little alone time and just spend time talking, holding each other, or something, and NOT talking at all about any of the problems, the kids, or anything. It's really easy to lose intimacy in a relationship, and then you lose the sense that you're in it together, that you're "on the same team." Make some "team time" for you as a couple.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
I think the list is a good
I think the list is a good idea. I just get so overwhelmed, and it feels hopeless at times.
Unfortunately, I get to see him about once a month. And 99% of the time I share that time with the kids, and occasionally with other family members he wants to see while he can. It's hard for me to talk to him on the phone, especially when I know it's just going to make things worse, or get us in a fight. And then when he is home, it can be hard to want to talk about all the crap when I have so little time with him, if that makes sense. Maybe I'm guilt wifing my husband!
SB, this is crazy! No
SB, this is crazy! No wonder you feel overwhelmed.
Is the working out of state thing a temporary situation? What necessitated this? It's no wonder things are strained -- as you say, you two have no time together to reconnect and draw strength from the relationship!
I do think that making this list and starting to think about short-term solutions to some of the issues, and then start thinking about some of the things (like this job situation) that require more long-term solutions.
Maybe if you can find a way to approach your H about a couple of the issues, but as a TEAM, you both can start feeling like you can make progress together as a couple toward getting yourselves and your family to a better place.
Hugs!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Sounds like it is all about
Sounds like it is all about him and you kinda of get lost in the sauce. You're worries and concerns are just as viable as his and deserve to be heard. Maybe you guys could schedule a night out when he returns to talk about the issues that are bothering you. Ask for his help in resolving some of them. It all seems very one sided to me and its something that either has to be addressed or it will fester until you can't respect him as a man anymore.
SB is him working in a
SB is him working in a different state temporary? You sound like you have ALOT on your plate!! IMO, the fix would be for him to find a local job, contribute more to the household chores/errands/kids, that way it evens itself out, and both of you now have time to breathe and relax. I know this may not be feasable, but I don't know any other solution. {{HUGS}} to you!!
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“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”
It's supposed to be
It's supposed to be temporary. This is a 6 month deal, and he's supposed to be back at the beginning of November. When he is at home, he's great, he does all the cooking, he and BS14 handle the yard and the dogs for the most part, and he helps with housework, does fixes, runs BS places, etc. And I can handle it all, I was a single mom for 10 years, but adding all the stuff I do for him onto my already full routine, and then feeling like I get no real (not sure what the word is, support? slack for when I do screw up? understanding my life isn't all roses and sunshine?) He'll say he appreciates all I do every once in a while, and I think he does, but it's just words to say it, I don't feel like he shows it, if that makes sense?
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This totally makes sense.
This totally makes sense. Thank god it's a temporary situation -- doing all you do would nearly kill anyone!
Your not feeling appreciated is completely understandable. I'm going to recommend a book to you that I think might actually help LOADS with your feeling unappreciated. It's the only self-help book on relationships that I've ever thought was actually useful. I recommended it to a good friend of mine who is a pre-marriage counselor, and she LOVES it and recommends it to her clients all the time.
It's called THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES, by Gary Chapman. The basic premise is that everyone has a "language" of love, a way they like to have love shown to them. If you are with someone who speaks a different "love language" than you do, then they could be showing love to you all the time, but you won't see or hear it. Seriously, this book is amazing.
http://www.amazon.com/Five-Love-Languages-Heartfelt-Commitment/dp/188127...
The guy is a Christian marriage counselor, so there is a little bit about the couple's relationship to God toward the end of the book, but it's a very minor part, if that sort of thing doesn't appeal to you. (I'm not a churchgoer, and I wasn't bothered by it at all.)
My guess is that reading this book will really help you to feel empowered to make positive changes in the way you two communicate. It sure did for me!!!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)