New to StepTalk
I am new to steptalk and have made some posts already, but wanted to introduce myself to everyone. That way when I make any future posts, everyone knows a little bit more about my situation.
To start off, my DH & I have been together for 10 years and married for 8 of them. I have a BS11 from a previous relationship and my DH has 2 DD (who will be referred to as SD15 & SD12)from a previous marriage. At first when we were just dating, DH's DD's didn't like me and I think that is partly because of BM. But after DH & I got married, their attitude towards me changed. Because they knew I wasn't going anywhere no matter what they did and they started to realize that no matter how hard they tried, BM & DH were not getting back together. And let me tell ya, these 2 girls tried everything. I've been through the "I Hate You", "Your not my mom, I don't have to listen to you", to the "Daddy, SM doesn't like me & keeps yelling at me(which the only time I ever yelled was when they were in trouble)". But some how I managed to make it through.
About 11 months ago, DH & I decided to move out of state. Ended up being 1100 miles away from all of our family & friends & SD15 & SD12. So, when my parents come to visit they usually brought SD15 & SD12 along. They all came to visit last Christmas and it went great. Then DH & I arranged with BM to get SD15 & SD12 in July for 3 weeks (that's all the longer BM would let us have them & according to SD12 it is because if they were with us any longer than that, we(DH & I) would brainwash them). So, we agreed and I made the 1100 mile trip to pick them up. Because god forbid BM could be a decent person and meet us half way. Well, after about a week of being here, both girls wanted to stay with us. Well DH convinced SD12 to go back, because she is still a momma's girl and would end up going back after a month anyways. As for SD15, DH & BM were so we thought working everything out and BM was going to let SD15 stay with us until the end of this school year, to see who she wanted to live with. Well at the end of the second week, BM changed her mind and told DH & SD15 that the only SD15 could stay was if DH took BM to court. Well, SD15 flipped out and told BM that she couldn't go to court because if she did, she would tell. So, after that phone call we got SD15 calmed down and had her explain what she ment. SD15 wouldn't talk in front of DH. So I took her into another room and she explained it to me. SD15 disclosed to me that her SD has been molesting her for as long as SD15 can remember. DH & I notified the authorities and got the case started against SD. DH then had our attorney file an emergency custody order because SD15 & SD12 were to go back to BM in a few days. DH was granted emergency custody and was scheduled a hearing a week later to obtain full custody. Well, because of having to deal with 2 different states with the case for the abuse, the dumbass judge granted custody back to BM. Well, SD15 flipped out once again because she wanted to be with us. So BM voluntarily gave DH custody of SD15 as long as we left SD12 stay with BM. So, DH & I agreed. It has been almost 2 months since that day and we still have not got the court order for custody because BM is being a bitch about it. And is putting all kinds of things in the order. Well, we have just found out that CYS has completed their investigation and is finding the case indicated. And now we are waiting for the State police to have their meeting with the DA to find out they will be pressing any criminal charges. We(DH& I) were also told by CYS, CAC, & our attorney that there could be charges brought against BM because of SD15's testimony. DH & I want them to because BM allowed it to happen by not doing anything when she witnessed it on a few occasions. And now since CYS found the case indicated, after we get the paper work completed for SD15, our attorney advised us to go for custody of SD12. Which since we have left her with BM, SD12 has told us she wants to be with us. So, we have a lot going on and because of me being a SAHM, I have been dealing with it all. So I maybe on here a lot venting to elevate some of my stress. I just wanted everyone to know the situation I am dealing with so that if I ask for any advice you can understand the situation a little better.
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I'm sorry, I'm alittle confused
Their Stepdad was molesting them? Because you mentioned SD so I'm assuming that is what it was.
Anyways...welcome! Wow that is so much that you have to deal with. However I am glad that you guys are working through it together. I know it must be tough because since you are the SAHM most of the paperwork/phone calls falls on your lap.
I'm sure this must be a traumatic experience and I really do hope that your SDs are getting the help they need to get through this. Good Luck to you guys!
Yes...
I ment their Stepdad. He has been molesting SD15 for as long as she can remember. But as far as we know, the only abuse that SD12 has experienced was stepdad beating her (which SD15 just recently told us).
Yes it is a lot to deal with and at times can become very overwhelming. But I keep myself going by telling myself "This is what I need to do to protect my Skids." And so far it has gotten me through. And yes, SD15 is getting all the help that is available to her. I just wish the judge would have given us SD12 too. Because she is to be in therapy also and BM has not had it started with SD12.
Thank you!
Sick!
I don't, for the life of me, understand why a woman would allow HER man to touch/fondle HER children. It's the sickest thing I have ever heard and working in childrens' mental health for as long as I have, I have seen this scenario a million times. I feel so badly for those two girls. It's horrible what their mother has done. Constantly remind SD15 that it's not her fault and that her mother has issues that she needs to work out. Don't talk negatively about the mother to her either. That's something she needs to work out for herself. JUST LISTEN to her. That's all you should do and get her a good therapist. Also, if and when you get SD12, make sure she goes to therapy too. There's going to be a lot of anger at BM and SD15 and SD12 may argue over different perspectives of the situation. If SD12 is indeed a mama's girl, she's going to have a very hard time coping with all of this, especially is SD15 is the reason BM goes to jail. Just make sure that they both understand fully what's going on and that it's neither one's fault.
I'll keep your family in my prayers!
No one can make you feel inferior with your consent - Eleanor Roosevelt
I agree.....
I don't understand it either. I keep playing it over & over in my mind, trying to figure out why BM would not do anything about it. And I can't for the life of me come up with a good reason. The only thing I come up with is that she just didn't want to believe it and thought that if she ignored it, it would stop. After we found out that BM could possibly be charged with a bunch of different things (can't remember the exact charges right now), DH & I discussed it with SD15's therapist to get the therapists opinion on if we should tell SD15 or not. Because we have been told by 3 authority figures that there is a good possibility that BM will be charged. Even if it is just to scare BM into telling the truth. SD15's therapist recommended that we tell SD15 because if it would happen and SD15 find out later that we knew about it being a possibility, SD15 may develop trust issues with us. So, we(DH & I) discussed it with SD15 last night. But we also made sure SD15 knew that if she changed her testimony to try to protect BM, then SD15 could be charged with giving a false statement. And we tell SD15 at least once every other day, if not everyday, that she has done the right thing by telling and that none of this is her fault. Even though BM tells her it is and SD threatened SD15, telling her it would be her fault if she told & that SD15's half sister would have to grow up without a dad. We also tell her that it might not feel like the right thing now, but eventually there will come a day when she looks back and says "Hey, I did do the right thing. Because I protected my sister, half sister, and any other child who he may have been around." We(DH & I) keep our feelings about BM to just between him & I. And anytime that SD15 questions us on why BM did this or that or why BM said this or that....we tell her that we can't really answer for BM, because we don't know what BM is thinking. But we also make sure that we are perfectly honest with SD15 about any new information re-guarding her case. Even if it does involve BM and makes BM look bad. Because we feel at SD15's age, she deserves to know the truth and make her own decisions. And DH & I refuse to lie to SD15, like BM has done for 15 years.
Thank you for you kind words of encouragement. I am really glad that I found this site when I was searching for information on my rights as a SM. Everything that I have been through in the past 10 years being a SM, seems like a piece of cake compared to what we are going through now. I am just glad that I know have a place to come vent & share my thoughts. Instead of keeping them to myself or burdening my family with them, when they to have a lot to deal with. (Though we do talk regularly with each other to help each cope with the situation)Thank you again!
Shell.....welcome!!
Wow, I dont even know what to say! Just wow!
I'm glad Sd finally told you about the abuse and that she is being protected. Where is Sd12 now? Is stepdad still exposed to SD12 and the half sister or has he been arrested?
Being a SM is ubber hard, but it sounds like you have some thick skin to handle it! Wish you all the best and hope that Sd will get better every day! So glad she has you in her life to help her along the way! HUGS to you
I am gald SD15 did too....
I am glad SD15 did too....From what we have been told by the specialists, it has been going on for almost 10 years. So, it basically started right after BM met Stepdad and I met DH. As I look back over the past 10 years & after having read the book "When Your Child Has Been Molested", I now realize that SD15 was showing us signs all along and we never realized it. I still fight with that guilt everyday, but I am starting to realize that since I didn't really know the signs to look for, I couldn't do anything. And BM & Stepdad were foster parents dealing with professionals on a regular basis and those professionals didn't realize it was going on.
SD12 is still with BM...for the time being. After we get the custody paperwork for SD15 taken care of, our attorney wants us to try again to get custody of SD12. Especially since CYS for SD15's case indicated and making the stepdad register as a Sexual Predator and the fact that SD12 wants to be with us. We haven't heard what the DA is going to do about criminal charges yet. The state police meet with the DA on the Monday. And yes, SD12 & their half sister is allowed around the stepdad as long as BM is present. And No, he has not been arrested yet. We should know, I'm guessing, by the end of next week beginning of the next if he will have criminal charges brought against him. And according to CYS, because they found their investigation indicated, that strengthens the police's case to present to the DA. So our fingers are crossed.
Yes it is ubber hard to be a SM, but I think it all depends on what type of SM you are in how you handle everything. I have from day 1 treated my Skids as if they were my own kids, even though that pissed BM off a good bit. I just feel that if I was in the same situation, I would want my BS's SM to do the same. But lucky for me, BS's BF has nothing to do with him from the day he was born and the only Dad he has known is my DH. Which we(DH & I) are working towards DH adopting BS. But that's a whole other blog. I would like to think that even though I am not the Skids BM, that they one day look back and say "Hey, SM didn't have to do what she did for us, but I'm glad she did."
Thank you! DH & I are doing everything we possibly can to give SD15 the most normal life she can have at this point and make sure she has all the help & support she needs to get through this. I is going to be a very long and stressful road...but we have each other to lean on along the way.
OMG....
I think I'm gonna be sick.... I hope you are able to get those girls out of there soon!
Well.....
Well we have SD15 with us. We are going to try again to get SD12 with us. And as far as their half sister, if charges are not brought against BM, she will stay with BM. But if there are, then their half sister would probably go with BM's parents or BM's sister. But we have to take one step at a time....just so BM doesn't get any information she isn't supposed to have.
Oh Shell...
I cannot imagine what you and your DH are feeling. How horrible. How devastating. Thank God these girls have you. I'm glad to hear SD 15 is in therapy, and am sure SD 12 needs it too. How scary that she went back into the trenches alone. I'm sure SD 15 looked after her sister/protected her.
We are in a situation ourselves, not as extreme, but my BS 15 has accused his SB 15 of inappropriate contact while in their room, when SB thought BS was sleeping. Because of that I now have my sons full time, and my exH picks them up several times a week, as well as is doing all the running to their fall league baseball games to spend time with them. Their SM didn't want to believe my son at first, but the therapist told me last night that SM now believes it happened, and my ExH is still on the fence! I can't quite wrap my brain around it. SB is staying with his grandma a few houses down from Exh and SM's house. B/c it's both minors, and BS seems to want to move on past it, the therapist hasn't brought up anything legally. It's BSs word against SBs word too. And of course there's several other layers (SB's father is BP and in jail as a murder suspect- for about the last 10 mos or so.)
Anyway...this topic is so very difficult, so complicated, so disturbing and my heart goes out to you and your DH, to your SDs both.
Hugs hugs and more hugs to you. And welcome.
Thank you. It is a very hard
Thank you. It is a very hard thing to comprehend & deal with. From what we have been told, SD15 was protecting SD12 and it is very scary knowing SD12 is still there. But hopefully not for long.
I'm so sorry that you & your family are going through that. I wish the best for you all and will keep you & your family in prayers. It is a very hard thing to go through.
Hugs and more hugs to you. Thank you!
Thank you! I hope we can get
Thank you! I hope we can get custody of SD12 to. BM already voluntarily gave DH custody of SD15, we are just waiting on the paper work. And depending on what the State Trooper achieved yesterday with the DA, it may not be so hard for DH to get custody of SD12. BM's 5,000 extra points maybe taken away.