keep you fingers crossed for us!!! dh is calling cps today!
on friday, i picked up ss4 from daycare. The daycare lady is really nice and super tired of all of BM's nonsense. She is getting her pay docked by the govt, because bm is lying, and not paying for the extra hours ss is there out of the 270 she gets a month for child care from my dh...according to daycare lady, bm is going to get in big!!! trouble soon because all her lies are going to catch up with her!
BUT, day care lady also informed me that ss4 confessed to her finally that bm's bf is hitting (actually ss said bf was "whipping") him with a belt, and that bm is telling him that its a secret and not to tell daddy. ss4 also told her that mommy and him have lots of secrets about what happens at bm's house that daddy cant know about...the daycare lady expressed that she has nothing but pure disgust for bm's bf, and feels that ss should not be around him.
dh is calling cps to file a report. we are hoping that we will be awarded temporary full custody with supervised visitation, until we go to court, and then still retain full or majority custody.
my main thing is that ss is a angel with dh and i, there has NEVER been a time that hitting should ever be used with this child, and if he is acting up that badly over there that bm is okay with bf hitting him, then there must be extreem emotional or psychological issues going on.
have any of you gone through this? Will they remove ss if he admits bm's bf is hitting him? does there have to be marks? ive never seen marks, and its not about physicall harm, but more that i think ss is sufering psychologically.
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they will investigate
If the report is accepted, an investigator will come and speak with everyone involved i.e. Daycare workers, BM, BM's BF, SM, BD, siblings, grandparents if they are around the child alot. If the report is found true, they can remove custody from BM and grant temporary custody to the BD or another family member (After a homestudy of course), and then you go to court. All of you, child may or may not be required to attend. Child will get a lawyer frequently referred to as ad-litems. The judge can decide based on the evidence whether or not they need to remove custody permenantly there will be a plan put in place to try to help BM straighten up her life....
GOOD LUCK
By the way I did an internship with CPS so I know how it works for the most part in my state
do you think dh should call?
based on your experiences with this? if ss has told myself, dh, and daycare lady that bm's bf is doing this. ss also states that bm and her bf get in to fights where bm is trowing and breaking things in front of him.
do you think they are going to accept the claim? if ss tells investigator that bf is hitting him with a belt is that enough in cases for custody to be placed with bd?
my mil sees ss like once every two weeks, is that enough to be involved? she is looney toons, manipulative and just out right a bitch! she is best buds with bm these days since she couldnt get my dh to chose her instead of me. she justifies any lying to get what she wants.
Yes
Trust your instincts. If you feel like the child is in danger in any way call. Also, I don't know what kind of daycare worker you have this child with, but if that person feels like this child is in some kind of danger and hasn't reported it to CPS then the child needs to be in a different center and the daycare needs to be reported as well. THe daycare worker obviously felt like something needed to be done or they wouldn't have come to you with the situation, the worker (who is a mandated reporter) should have called CPS.
I would call and tell them everything that the child has told you. Tell them that you feel like the child is in danger. If the child is afraid, let them know, if he seems tense, if he has lost weight, if he complains about anything, let them know. The more information they have the more likely they are to accept it and get an investigation going.
The investigator will do what he/she feels like is in the best interest of the child. and be forewarned, it can result in a night or two in a children's shelter until the paperwork can be done. they may not be able to give immediate custody to dad, it is possible sometimes, but not always and there's nothing that can be done if they decide to remove custody.
As far as who all the investigator will interview, it depends on the investigator and how much accurate information they receive from those who are interviewed. It is handled in a very timely manner. Even if they interview MIL, that doesn't mean they will take everything she says as facts.
If you feel like it is important, CALL it in NOW. If you care about the child, you'll know what is right, but be prepared for a long process and it won't be easy for any of you...
Good luck
Why didnt the daycare report this
I thought child care workers were mandated reporters?
she states
that since there are no marks on him she is not required to report it.
If she's still as concerned
If she's still as concerned as she says she is, she should. And, marks or no marks, if a child says that they are being abused, she IS required to report it.
To every thing there is a season.
concern
My concern would be that the "other secrets" might indicate physical abuse....poor child....stick to your guns and get it investigated further.
I was going to ask the same as Libby....
The daycare should have called and as I understand they are mandated reporters.... so why didn't daycare lady report?
me too
i was hoping that once ss told daycare lady, she would have to report, but she says that becaus kids make stuff up alot, unless there are marks/brusies she doesnt have to report to cps
I would think that they
would speak with SS about it first, daycare, etc. THEN speak with BM! I know you are in California, you should check into their laws. Here in KY, you can keep the child after a visitation on the grounds that you feel they may be in danger in returning them to the birth parent. HOWEVER, it is risky and you'd better be damn sure that what you are accussing is accurate. If not, you could be held in contempt of court.
Nikki, honestly, I would not have returned SS after the 1st time he told me that. I would have filed for an emergency custody hearing and risked jail time to get someone to notice. Not passing judgement....don't take it that way. But remember, that child is being hit......and likely will continue to be hit until DH does something about it.
That makes sense.... BUT....
I still think daycare lady SHOULD HAVE reported.... I get that if there aren't bruises then she may not have been required to report.... but it seems she is 'on' to bm and if she really thinks something 'may' be going on then morally I believe she should have reported.... even in the absence of physical bruising.... OH! and GOOD LUCK!! I hope you are able to gain custody of ss and protect him from bm!
im asking the same things
because what if it is investigated and it turns out ss is making things up.....however, we have been wanting to take ss to counseling for some time now, and because the have 5050 we cant with out her consent, if it turns out he is lying, hopefully we could at least ask that she has to give consent to get him in counseling.
we didnt report when he told just us, but now that he has confided in the daycare woman, we felt it was the right time to make a report.
its anonymous by the way
When you call in a report to CPS it is anonymous. The investigator will not even know who called it in. For all BM will know it could have been the daycare worker.
wow, childrens shelter? really?
okay, that is termoil that i dont want to put ss through.
I am sure 100% that some type of abuse is going on, and the simple fact that ss claims bm is telling him to keep secrets at her house is a huge red flag. the way ss told us was like this...
i took ss with me to the bank. a lady offered him a sucker and because hes so shy he didnt take it, so she handed it to me to give to him. I told him to tell her thank you, and when he wouldnt i told him he couldnt have it, so i put it in my purse. ss began to pout and through a little bit of attitude, so i told him, "you better loose the attitude mr. or im gonna have to tickle you!" and with out even pausing, he says, "or you will hit me with the belt if im bad"
i was so emarrassed, the teller looked at me and i laughed it off and said kid youve never been hit in your life, is that what happens at mommy's house? the teller was confused and asked, oh is he your brother? blah blah blah, i didnt bring it up again that day
two days later im sitting with ss in my lap looking at a funny utube video of a kids dancing and hes smacking his own but while daning, and i remembered. DH was on the couch a couple steps away, ans i ask ss, "at the bank you said something about getting hit by a belt. does some one do this to you?, he aswered with, "yes, bm's bf does it whenever im bad" dh was furious, and started asking more questions, ss did not digress at all from his first statement, and dh didnt know what to do....
last week i picked up ss from daycare and took him to the fair. i discussed with the daycare lady what he had told us, and she said he had not told her anything like that, but there are many concernable things about the bf that ss talks about....so then friday is when she lets me know that ss has told her the the bf whipped him, and mommy tells him to keep it a secret from daddy. They daycare lady's main concern was that bm was teaching ss to be a liar. also, daycare lady did not ask ss about the belt hitting, ss brought it up all on his own.
the day care lady is really our only un biased third party, along with her staff. ss is very shy and really since we dont talk to my mil and his aunts dont live close there is no one i think he will open up to.
the day care lady has tried to stay neutral because of her having interaction with both parents, but always informs us of the issues with bm, and has even told bm that she needs to grow up, move on and stop harrassing us. she is supposed to be calling dh right now to tell him about the money isues she is having with bm, and the supposedly dh is calling cps right after that.
Be Careful
I have been through this situation with my ex's new wife smaking my daughter across the face and she was 7 at the time. I did all the needed steps and it back fired. Everything remained the same the judge just ordered us to attend co parenting classes, all being Me, Dad and Stepmom.
CPS may not talk to a child that young. However if their are marks of abuse and mark other than the child bottom they will immediately do an investigation and talk to the child.
Has the child's father been keeping notes and other records of occurances?
SMNikki
I so hope you get that sweet little boy away from the b*tc of a BM and sado-assh*le BF!!
I have found that the more you don't "react" too outrageously to a child's true feelings statements, the more forthcoming they become. And then all of a sudden it seems like they tell you "everything".
I'm guessing that maybe he is telling you and DH and his daycare sitter because he is reaching out for help.
IF it was ever found out that he was lying or manipulating, then that can be dealt with later. But the daycare worker has concerns, and you and DH have concerns. I'm positive that you guys are can tell the difference with SS between manipulation and crying out for help!!
Whatever it takes, I hope you can get him out of that toxic situation. Poor little guy!!
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
we have
been keeping documentation of everything ss tells us and other things that happen. we really dont want to cause ss more stress, but want the hitting to stop.
the problem is that bm is not a logical rational person, its not like dh can sit down with her and talk to her about this. it will be an immature yelling match.
dh just got off the phone, and the day care lady claims that it could all blow up in our face if we call cps....im not sure how, maybe just that she thinks its going to drag us all trough the mud. anyways, she thinks that my dh should sit down with bm and her bf, and tell them what ss is saying, and how it needs to stop blah blah blah....
here is my issue, bm is already brainwashing ss to keep secrets from dh, and if she thinks he is saying stuff to daycare lady then she is going to brain wash him not to talk to her and they we wont know anything that is going on over there. to me it seems that the authorities need to be brought in and this needs to be gotten to the bottom of! especially with the up coming court date, if we think something is going on and we just sit and watch it happen what hell is that going to say to the judge about what kind of parents we are.
Oh Nikki!!
If that's the case, then I don't think I would confront BM and BF. Only because they will, when you aren't around, take it out on SS.
If that were my DH and I, then I would do everything I could to:
1. Document Document Document
2. Assure SS that you are taking what he says seriously... but also ask him more questions
3. I would CONSIDER possibly getting him a small track phone with maybe 30 minutes on it. If BM can keep "secrets" from you, then I'm sorry, but maybe you and DH and SS could keep this from her. The next time he gets "whipped"... see about having him call or text you?
4. Talk to SS more, OR get him into counseling. That could help strengthen your case.
5. Stay in touch with the Daycare worker
6. Tell your attorney!! (You probably already did this!!)
I really am concerned that if your DH confronts BM and her and BF take it out on the poor child, he will close up and not tell anyone what is going on anymore.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
May Blow Up!
There is a strong possibility that this may turn bad on you. In going through my case and my issue I spoke to the CPS person in length, since she could not help in anyway after she said that their was grounds for concerns i asked her about future items. My 11year old and 7 year old went on for hours with her on stuff that happens but still nothing. Unless they can see bruses or unless they visit a home that is nasty and unlivable they won't do much for you.
Advise- Keep your cool keep documenting, time/dates/occurance, keeping letting your SS know that your home is safe and that he is love their and can come to you. Wait for the marks to appear (not just lil ones either)visible anywhere but the childs behind, if it is as bad a your making it out is shouldn't take long. Take the pictures and go to the cops they will take a report and they have to call CPS.
Also email the mother of your concerns you don't need to to talk to her and if she is crazy and unwilling to help then it will show in her response and you just keep those along with your other documentation and keep building and building and when the time is right go to court and present the case.
I have learned a lot with my situation and my situation with my steps sons BM (crazy lady) who has not just vanished to avoid CPS.
this is what i dont get?
how is this considered "blowing up" for dh and i?
they are called, daycare lady is making a report now, they either will or will not invetigate. If they do, and find out ss is lying, we can say "hey we were concerned and he didnt say it to just us! what kind of parents would not call if they found out the bm was telling her son to keep it a secret that bf was hitting him with a belt"
they find out that ss is telling the truth, and even though bf is not hitting him hard enough to make marks, they feel that the psychological ramifications are enough to remove ss from the house since bf lives with bm.
or, they find out that ss is telling the truth, but they just tell bm and bf it better not happen any more, resulting in bm being scared to allow bf to hit ss ever agin for fear he will tell us again and she will loose custody.
are any of these three worse that allowing ss to continue to get hit by bm's bf?
we have court currently scheduled for oct 25th, ummmmmmmm if we bring it up then, dont you think the judge is going to rip us to shreds for not doing something sooner?
Do you have a lawyer or are
Do you have a lawyer or are you doing this in pro-per, what state are you in, Have you noted any of your concerns in your declaration for you upcoming hearing, and who called this hearing?
You need to be careful, since you are not the custodial party this may look like you are reaching and trying to gain Custody. Especially if you have not informed the BM or your concerns. She may make the dad look like he is being sneaky and vindictive. You don’t need to talk to her, email will work.
You don’t want to go in front of a judge and tell him you called CPS with no proof of anything. Especially if you end up with and Unfound or Inconclusive findings report Judge may rip into you for that, Judges have been receiving a lot more CPS claims majority being unfound, and they hear drama after drama all day long. You want to go in there solid. The more documentation you have the more likely he will be willing to give the dad more time. If not custody.
Personal advice for you stepmom, Stay away from the court room, you don’t want to give BM any ammo. Don't let yourself be caught in the middle by BM cause she will use that to make DH look bad.
What is the day care provider going to report exactly?
Since you have already call CPS just brace yourself for BM, cause they have to interview her too and the boy friend and visit there house.
I know it is hard to see your stepson go through this,and I know you want to choke the B&*^H, But hang in there.
nope
we spoke with a lawyer who is the best and nastiest, but because he ended up knowing my husband from a social event, he said that based on the statement from bm, we do not need to hire him. The judge is going to look at her and basically tell her to get over her issues, move on, and stop harassing us.
she is the one who filed to go to court, and we have proof that all of her claims are false, and also have proof that she is lying about money she receives from dh for child care in order to pocket it and have the govt pick up the rest of the tab.
dh has 50/50 legal and physical, so there is not a specific custodial parent. also, bm was dumb enough to state that because her disability is running out, she will need money and thats why she is seeking full custody (on the statement for the cs hearing)
i stay out of things, i do research and ask questions here to help dh, but i do steer clear of bm.
bm actually just called dh at work to say she was going to pick up ss and daycare lady informed her of statement ss made and that she was required to report it, and had already done so. bm claims that bf is leaving her because he doesnt want to be dragged in to this....um to me that seems kind of obvious that something is happening if after dating for well over two years he is just going to up and leave her and not be willing to cooperate that and attest to him supposedly not hitting him....bm claims that she would never allow bf to hit ss with a belt, but when dh asked her if she was calling their son a liar she broke and was easy to see she was covering for bf.
at least she knows the report was from day care and all we can do is sit by and wait to see what happens....the thing is, bm and her bf drink alot, and leave beer bottles and cans all over their house, she is a slob, and according to day care lady, bf is horrible to ss....so if they do investigate, i have a feeling that bm will be loosing alot.....honestly, full custody is not what we want, we just want ss to be safe, and if she cant provide a home for him that is, than something should be done.
Wait.... why is dad giving
Wait.... why is dad giving BM the Money for daycare ??? If he is you should have that changed to having it paid directly to the Day Care Facility that is what me and my ex did cause we didn't trust each other.
OMG she stated that she was seeking full custody because she was running out of money!! Has she heard of a Job.
Well at least it's out and she should be worried if she allowed it to happen.
he doesnt give it to her
it was an add on in their court paper work
she got 25 dollars for health care ss got through her job and at that time the cost for day care was 540, dh was required to pay half and she got part of her half covered by the state and had to pay some type of co pay per day....
well she went and had all of this go through child support services, so actually he pays them and they send her a check. we were going to get things corrected but didnt know how much bm was getting in disability, and didnt want to end up paying her more...but now that she filed for court we know how much she gets and it will all be resolved in two months...basically according to the lawyer we spoke to, she wont get a penny from us any longer. so long as we keep 50/50 custody.
when we go to court we are going to ask that they change it so that dh can pay them directly if for some reason he still has to pay anything.
YES, she really is that stupid to say that..."i am home as i am on dissability, but its running out, and i can care for ss every day instead of day care, and im currently going after full custody so once that judgement is reached, i will be requesting that since my disability is running out i will get enough cs to stay home"
my thoughts EXACTLY!!! GET A JOB!
she is not disabled, she was trying to sue the hospital, so they gave her a doctors note to claim dissability to shut her up!
I hope all of this works out
I really hope that all of this works out for that poor child.
It will probably be a really long road, but the most important thing is that the child is not in harm.
yes
thats what dh and i discussed last night. even if cps does not investigate and do anything, we think that most likely bm will not allow bf or any one to touch ss for fear that he will be taken from her. I still worry that she may be able to get him to lie, but as with most kids, usually things are exposed.
bm claims bf said he is leaving her for being dragged in to this, which to me screams guilty, otherwise why would he leave a 2 year relationship for a false accusation? or maybe he was already looking for a reason to leave.
either way, even if it isnt investigated, we can bring it up in court that ss was never evaluated and said on more than one occassion that the bf hit him...