I HATE YOU LITTLE SHITS
People "think" that SS9 has A.D.H.D., when he really just has B.R.A.T. SD13 is an entitled, sassy little shit. Want to throw fits, cry like babies, ruin my things, spend my money? The parties over you little shits, I don't care what you think of me, go ahead and hate me, believe me the feeling is mutual. And for DH, you would be best served to remember "happy wife, happy life" of that you can be sure.
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whoa honey...
obviously since you just joined you are on panic,angry,vent mode. Take a deep breath! Tell us some more details please...maybe we can help you feel better? ((((BIG HUGS)))) welcome!
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
Wow
"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton
You've come to the right place.
What's going on?
______________________________________
Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
Little Lucy
I'm not going to condemn you for saying what you said... sure..get it all out. Vent Away!!
But unless you really don't care anymore about your husband, and couldn't give a flying f*ck if he leaves... you might want to keep that "happy wife, happy life" thought on here and get a grip on it. Because I'm SURE your DH would turn it around and just say "Happy husband, happy life"...
What happened???
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
One question...
was SS officially diagnosed with ADHD?
Not Official
SS9 wasn't diagnosed with ADHD, the BM said she was going to take him in, but hasn't. If it was official, then at least I could read some books or something to learn how to deal with it!
Can DH get him diagnosed?
This would be good because if SS truly does have ADHD, he can receive the proper help.
Ok it was harsh, but I feel better!
I have never had children of my own, never felt the urge to, now I have two in my life - every other weekend or so and a week or two here and there.
I have absolutely no parenting skills, but can't believe the things these kids get away with. DH just wants everyone to be happy and hopes that problems will just go away. Has actually gone so far as to call me a bitch in front of his kids.
Why did he call me a bitch? Because I ask them to do/not do things that I believe are common sense, like stop slamming the door (which is now cracked), don't eat in the living room (new sofa), stay out of my (artists) paints (orange paint on 4 new towels), have some respect for money ($600 text message cell bill).
So I am unhappy, my things are being ruined and I get absolutely no respect. I have no respect because DH doesn't give me respect in front of them. When they aren't here he's all about it, but in front of them, I am the bad guy. Hence the happy wife, happy life comment.
I have been very good to the children, we have spent a lot of time together and had a lot of fun, but I am not being respected and neither is my property. I am tired of asking again and again, and DH doesn't follow through with discipline and neither does BM - SD13 was grounded from her phone after the $600 text incident. BM bought her a phone 2 weeks later. What does that tell the kid?
Overall the BM has been fine, we haven't had any incidents, and when we (rarely) interact she is always very nice and easy to deal with.
I think both parents think the kids won't love them if they don't let them do whatever they want.
I am at my wits end, maybe its just better if I make my own plans when they are here? Then come home to the damage? I really don't know what to do.
Vent away!
I'm a big fan of venting. If you can say it (or type it) out loud, even to anonymous strangers, then you might be able to keep trudging along without inflicting real pain to the people you care about. So go ahead and get it out of your system! I know I often need to just say it out loud, "my SD is a little shit and I'm so tired of this crap!" I think a good vent prevents saying hurtful things you can't take back to people you actually rather like when things are going smoothly. If we all vented a little more, the world might be a more peaceful place IMHO.
The nice thing about this website is you'll learn you are not alone. To varying degrees we share a startling common experiece as SP's. We deal with guilt parenters that just want "the kids to be happy and keep coming over" even if it means everyone else is miserable. Some have awful BM's or BF to deal with, but it is all so the same no matter where you are it is nearly hilarious.
When I first entered the step-parenting arena, I didn't have any "parenting skills" either. I had babysitting skills, and I-was-once-a kid advice, but that never seemed to count or was good enough when it came to BF or SD. After six years in the trenches, I've learned that the skills I came with were actually pretty good and I should have trusted them more.
In the begining I felt powerless. SD and her wants and opinions of me seemed to hold so much sway in my life and with BF. Were I to get to get the chance to start over in this dynamic (not that I would ever in a million years wish to do this again-- my personal idea of hell) I would stop being so afraid of the skid. I would stand my ground more with her and BF. It has taken me years to get to this point. What made the difference? Time and having ST to see how common all this crap is, has strengthen my resolve to not be used and abused.
So welcome, vent away, draw strength from our common bond, and learn how to stop being used and abused. Sometimes it just takes knowing it is not just you in this situation.
Good Advice!
Thanks brutallyhonest, your advice is great!
I second this! You are
I second this! You are awesome, Brutallyhonest.
"A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness isn’t being a bully, it’s having a backbone.” ~Robert Kiyosaki
Little Lucy
I'm glad you feel better!!
Please don't back down. I think if there were one thing that I would say to women on here, it would be to NOT BACK DOWN. To paraphrase the Beastie Boys... "You Gotta Fight... For Your Right" (s)!!!
He calls you a bitch in front of his kids... then go right back at him with "I may be a BITCH BUT I'm not going to raise animals!" or whatever. And "If you think you married me, so they can destroy.... , you got another thing coming." If you aren't getting respect anyway...and you have already pissed him off, then what have you got to lose?
One of the biggest things I did before I married my husband was FIGHT for the right to PARENT his child. Some bio parents just let it drop into the steps' lap... I had to fight for it.. and fight for my way of it.
Some people may suggest disengaging... I always think of that as the last resort because it doesn't help the kids realize their own bad behavior. They are 9 and 13.. I think they still may be reachable.
The only other thing you may want to consider is marriage counseling. Because unless he backs you up, there is no getting better.
Sorry for the grim news... but your DH needs a wake up call.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
put your stuff away...take a mini-vaca
If you're committed to staying with your dh, I recommend buying stepmomjens favorite book Stepmonster...give it to your DH for some reading time. Second, everyone knows(including DH) that calling you anything like bitch is UNACCEPTABLE.
Try to take a breath and talk reasonably to DH about your concerns. Make a list of the things bothering you to present your view in an organized fashion to minimize arguing. Let him know what you can accept and what you can't and won't accept. If he can see your view point then work on a compromise. Ex. if the "brats" like paint...maybe a bonding thing could be you showing them how to use the paints in a respectful manner and ONLY with your supervision. Ex. Cell phones need to be limited to prepaid phones until they can control themselves with the texting(there are also some plans that will limit texts and actually cut off the text service when limit is reached...you just have to request it.)
Don't bother trying to get your DH to see his kids in a bad way it won't work and you'll look like a jealous woman. Instead try to focus on what you actually like about the kids when presenting your "I can't deal with the following items:" list.
Hang in there and try not to blow up. Remember that insulting his kids or trying to get him to see them as anything other than precious angels is going to nothing for you. All it will do is demonize you in the eyes of your husband.
I also recommend finding some books about stepmothering especially since you don't have children of your own and seem to be having trouble with parenting issues. Parenting is hard enough...stepmothering when you haven't previously parented must be twice as hard as stepmothering after you've had children of your own...it would be for me anyway.
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
Nice advice BBB!!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
*wink wink* I learn from the best around here what can I say!
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
you could try
flipping it around on the lil devils and saying, "I love that you boys seem to REALLY enjoy paints and painting...lets do it together and I'll teach you!!"
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
Awww BBB
You are just warming the cockles of my heart!!
Ha haaa!!! I said COCK!!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
LOL!
Stick said COCK!
Sorry.... couldn't resist it!
COCK????
Did I hear COCK????
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
Hehehe Little Lucy is PISSED!!!!
Ok Lucylu... Breathe my love!
I had set up Skids bedroom when we got our house, got them beautiful Ralph Lauren comforters only to find the very next day SD had decided to leave a black Sharpee UNOPENED on the comforter. (sighs....) So I took DH into the room and showed him what his little princess had done. He was furious. My payback? When DH and SD weren't there I threw away her entire box of markers.
When she came the following weekend looking for them I shrugged and said "I have no idea. Where'd you leave em?"
One time I came home to find the couch in the family room was on the floor. Apparently SS decided to try a wrestling move and threw his oversized chunky body from one couch to the other, cracking the wooden beam in the center of the couch.
I told DH "I am going to let your kids break everything in the house. And then we can have company sit on the floor and we can tell them that your darling kiddies are responsible for us not having furniture." Again DH flipped out. I have noticed that if I don't freak and instead I play it off as if I don't give a shit, HE gets REALLY angry at his kids!! LOL...It's really a jedi mind trick!
Buy those brats water soluble paints so they can paint on the kitchen table and they can leave your stuff alone. As far as the ADHD goes... These days many people use ADHD as an excuse for bad behavior. My 11 year old son was diagnosed 7 years ago. I read that coffee in the morning helps to stimulate the part of the brain that is affected by the ADHD. So every now and then I give my kid a cup of coffee. I try to keep him off sugar, soda and candy.
I reward him for good behavior and punish him for bad. It's no different than dealing with a kid that doesn't have ADHD. You set rules and you have to follow thru that's all. I also find that putting them in sports helps to burn off the vent up energy and it calms them down.
Sounds Familiar
Your post is pretty much exactly my situation. Throwing out the markers was pure genius! I will be throwing some things out in the future, I can't wait!! I really like your sneaky ways with the DH, I have much to learn! I showed DH the orange painted towels and his response was "he didn't mean to do it" WTF? What did he "mean" to do then???
However, the couch was broken and you didn't even flip out? They would have had to call 911 for me or the brat, or both. The pharmaceutical industry doesn't make enough Xanax for that one.
I agree that ADHD is used as an excuse far too often, and I'm no expert by any means, but I've read quite a bit and done my own "testing" and he doesn't seem to have it. We switched the insurance to a primary care doctor closer to BM's house, she told us she was going to take him in, but hasn't (she doesn't work and has the time). I understand why she hasn't taken him, it would be quite an effort to get that enormous ass off the couch.
Thank you so much for your comments!