Hard to handle
I need some advise on dealing with my husband's ex-wife. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year now. He was previously married for 12 years and has 3 children with her. He has assured me over and over again that I have nothing to worry about where she is concerned. However, just the fact that they were married and have 3 children together makes me uncomfortable around her. She has not remarried at this time. We are around each other when we pick up and drop off the kids and for special school functions mostly. However, since we live in separate towns, there are times when we all meet and have dinner together. I am extremely uncomfortable and it shows. I try not to let it show, but it does. His ex-wife has noticed and now there is tension between us. I want there to be peace. I don't want to feel this way. Any advice?
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Sweetie..
She's going to be there if you are uncomfortable or not. If she's not a hag, be grateful and try to be nice. It'll be hard, but you guys must have something in common. Try to start a conversation with her, even if it's just something about the skids.
It's always best to get along for the children...in a perfect world. We don't always have that option, most of us on here don't. So if you have a chance...take it.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost
Thank you for your advice.
Thank you for your advice. You're right....she will be there whether I'm comfortable with it or not! I will try harder!
as long as she is civil then
as long as she is civil then you are ahead of the game.
I agree with PnutButta. I am
I agree with PnutButta. I am able to have a civil conversation with the BM I deal with. We can get along...though we have had our fights with each other in the past. Somehow it's usually on the internet, so now I avoid her online at all costs. Face to face in front of the kids I "play" nice. But behind closed doors without the kids knowledge I absolutely hate her! I get uncomfortable around the BM also, but in the end I know my place and where I stand. You should at least try to have a conversation with her...even if it's only about the kids. Personally I limit anything about my life to BM. But I will gladly talk about the kids with her.
Thank you. I guess I need
Thank you. I guess I need to remind myself of my place and where I stand when I'm around her. Good advice!
what I would give
for The Weasel to be rational enough to hold a conversation. Enjoy it. Be careful what you say, but try to find some peace with having her around.
There have been times when
There have been times when she brings the kids into the town where we live to do things with them (they live in a very small town with not much to do there) and she will invite us to have supper with them while they are here (they live an hour away from us) and the kids usually want to see their Dad when they come this way.
I would put a stop to the
I would put a stop to the dinners and just be civil when you have to see her (pick ups/drop offs/ school events) no reason to increase contact with someone that makes you uncomfortable! Tell your DH that you would prefer to stop the dinners and see what he says. Would he like to have dinner with your ex? Doubtful!
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
I agree with you. I don't
I agree with you. I don't need to have any more contact than I have to. I will talk to my husband about that. Thank you!
Yep, the dinner thing is to far out there.
If you are all comfortable it's one thing, but honey you don't sound comfortable! And if the kids want to see their dad they can, but not through dinner with BM! Of course it shows that you aren't hunkey dorey with the whole thing, most of us wouldn't be!
And you said above that you need to learn your place with her. Sheesh, we talk about guilt dads but we hardley ever address guilt step moms. This is one of the signs, you just suck it up and deal with it because you are the stepmom. Well guess what Jennifer, you do need to learn your place with her. YOUR place is right on your husbands arm, front and center.
PS, love your name!
~all you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust...and sometimes a machine gun~
Thank you! I agree! They
Thank you! I agree! They could still see their Dad without that! I was feeling guilty because I'm not doing a good job at hiding my feelings. It's good to know other paople wouldn't be comfortable with that either. And thank you for reminding me of my place!
Tension
If that is all you have be greatful. I think it's a little weird to be dinning regularly with BM but if it works for your fmaily, go with it.
Otherwise you need to understand that there is almost always some level of tension and discomfort in a blended family so this is just part of the territory. I also think this whole process comes in stages, I have watched us go through a few. I am sure this is just the beginning of your long road...
Yes, this is new territory
Yes, this is new territory for me and I do have a long road ahead of me. I just hope I make some progress in this process!
When I first started dating
When I first started dating my now DH, he would do that stuff. Have dinners with BM and SS. BM called one time and wanted to come over when her and her BF had a fight so she could get out of the house she shared with her BF. And DH and BM LITERALLY thought nothing of it b/c they were both SO OVER each other, it was just like calling your close cousin who had helped you out before and you knew would help you now. Sometimes, the more obvious contact they have, the LESS you have to WORRY about. Does that make sense?
THAT BEING SAID: I WAS NOT COOL WITH EITHER OF THE ABOVE SITUATIONS!!!!!!!!! And they were quickly put to an end. My DH (who was just my BF at the time) would be like, heyyyy we are gonna go meet BM and SS for lunch at Taco Mac, okay? And I would sputter out...>WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!
Sometimes, these men are definitely NOT in love with their now EXes, but after being codependent on each other for so long, they are just used to it, even if not in love, and it takes one of US to get rid of the last little remaining bullshiz that goes on. You know, they were just still trying to hang out a little for that darn kid's sake, so as not to shock his system. What they didn't realize was that they were not doing that kid any favors if they were actually going to MOVE ON to new lives with other people and really be DIVORCED.
Sometimes situations like this work for some people (supposedly). You are NOT comfortable with it. You shouldn't have to be. You are being asked to do too much. DH needs to know. When he chose to marry you and start a new life...the wife (even Biblically) is the number one priority. I know this has been a difficult issue for my DH. When we are just the girlfriends, I don't think we should really be put BEFORE their kids, you know? And then we get married, and they need to acknowledge that they took us to the next level, and now, WE DO come first.
You know exactly how I feel!
You know exactly how I feel! My husband says that he wants to show the kids that he and his ex can get along and everything so that all this is better on them. I believe, like you said, that when you are divorced, you move on and don't try to keep things so familiar for the kids. Get along, yes, but still spend time together, NO! That is my opinion!
If she is being civil...take totally advantage of it
Im sure you have read your fair share of blogs here and have seen things can be a whole lot worse. DH and I have dinner with my ex sometimes at exchanges...so I don't find it totally out there....but then again we all get along. DH was a little uncomfortable and I told him we didn't have to do it anymore it was something my ex and I would do before DH came around....DH said no if my son was used to this arrangement he would suck it up and get to know they guy, now it's no big deal. My ex lives over an hour away and our arrangements are if he brings son to me then I go pick him up or vice verse..it's a long boring drive so to have to go all the way out and back without getting out to at least stretch our legs sucks big time. We usually meet up for lunch somewhere in between my house and his and we hang out...DH and ex have a lot in common so there are no uncomfortable silences. Ex is currently dating a new person but she thinks the whole arrangement is a little weird and has elected not to join but assures us she would like to be able to someday.
DH and his ex do not get along in front of the kids so there is no way the three of us will ever be able to be around each other. I don't even go with DH to drop offs/pick ups. I have had 2 restraining orders against BM and have given up trying to have the same relationship we have with my ex. DH is extremely jealous and has even mentioned to BM but of course it's all my fault and she would loooove to have dinner with us...but DH says no way. BM has asked DH to take a "family" picture with her and skids! BM has asked DH to father another child with her...but not have anything to do with that child...it's just that she wants another baby but doesn't want skids to have different dads!...so sounds to me like you may not have much to worry about and may need to put a little work into the relationship with BM (if that is what you want) so keep everything running smooth and drama free.
Best of luck
I AGREE! take advantage of
I AGREE! take advantage of her slight normalness... lots of us, i believe, will agree, that we would give anything to be able to deal with a civil non-physchotic ex wife/gf.