So this past Friday... UGH - LONG
I wasn't sure about posting this because I'm not even sure how I feel about it.
On Friday, DH and I met with BM to get her to sign a paper promising DH child support. SD lives with DH and I. SD's counselor has told DH and I that even though we both travel for a living for work, we can no longer do so at the same time. One of us always has to be home. This is already creating a financial hardship on DH and I as we have to now alternate our jobs.
So, we asked BM for child support. The thing is, if we made her pay every month, 17% of her salary as NYS requires, plus health insurance, the poor woman would lose her home. She already is living on credit cards, and then keeps refinancing her home to pay them off.
It's just gotten so stupid and ugly. If we force BM to give us child support then we are responsible for someone losing their home. If we don't then we are sucking up the fact that BM is an unfit mother who cannot have her child for any real length of time. As it is, SD will only see her mom 1 x a week. Since she is 15 going on 16, her counselor has advised that this is the right thing to do, as opposed to "forcing' more visitation and stress on SD.
So for child support, DH agreed to an even lesser amount than 17% but payable as one lump sum when SD graduates high school - BM hasto pay DH. At that point, DH and I are thinking that we can just then turn around and give it to SD toward her college, since we used up all of our savings by moving into SD's school district so she could live with us full time, plus the fact that we went from 2 incomes to 1, etc..
Anyway, so we all get to the bank to have BM and DH sign the agreement before a notary. BM says to DH... "ummm can I talk to you for a minute?" And I start to walk over with DH and she's like, "I just want to talk to H". So then he says to her.. "Whatever you need to say to me, you can ask me in front of Stick"... And I told her then "Because at this point, what you are doing affects me. My employment is now compromised because of you so this affects ME and my household too". So of course, she wouldn't ask DH any more questions.
She complained, she is already saying she doesn't know how she's going to pay us in 2 years. She doesn't know what she's going to do. She cried.
And DH and I both felt bad for her. But we made her sign it and DH told her that he's going to file it with the court. He may even end up putting a lien on the house for it, to be sure he gets paid.
I'm just do discouraged right now. We had a 2 hour long conversation in the Bank parking lot, and some of it was about SD and DH and I trying to explain to BM things about SD. At one point BM called my DH a "bastard". And I just touched his face and said "nooo He's not... if he wanted to, he could screw you... he's not being a bastard" . When really I wanted to tell her that she's a f*cking b*tch VICTIM as*hole who thinks that the world owes her. I also told BM that SD knows about some of the divorce agreement. That I told SD because BM's family was consistently trashing DH and I and talking about how much money we made and how DH was letting BM struggle. We did it to defend ourselves. SD at the time was living with us and we didn't ask BM for anything. BM was even talking to SD's high school friends about how much she was struggling!!! So SD's friends were making SD feel bad for her own mom. I just had had enough and told SD what the reality was. I also let SD's counselor in on it because I don't want to create PAS for SD. I don't want to.
I'm having a hard time right now. Dh is gone working and I am home with SD. SD is so emotionally needy and lately is sliding back into some depression. I cannot tell if it is because DH is away or because school is out and so she's not with her friends or what. I am trying to get her into volunteering at a local animal shelter and get her looking into other extra curricular activities. But it's hard. i have plans for us this summer to do some fun things. We have all asked her if she'd prefer to live with BM, but that's a resounding NO. We can barely get this girl to see her mom once a week. SD is already telling us and counselor that when she turns 18 she doesn't even want to see her mom. And I'm trying to just tell her that when she gets older, she may appreciate her mom, or see her in a different light. And she'll want that contact.
Anyway - THAT'S MY BIG PITY PARTY STORY!! Ha! Sorry.... My mind is just racing. DH left this afternoon and I won't see him for 9 weeks. 
I miss him terribly already. Summer is our season. If it was winter, I think I'd be dealing better. But we share Summer.
- Stick's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
9 Weeks? OMG.....that's such a long time to do this by
yourself. I must say, my friend, you are a very loving person to even concern yourself with BM losing her home. I mean in the mix of things, you guys could be like, who cares.........to bad. That's what she'd do to you your DH I bet.
I'm glad that you guys didn't. My DH and I are the same way. We could be paying BM less right now, but we chose not to because if we do we know she'll lose her house as well. Though she did get a hour lecture from me about how DH will not always be there to pay her bills for her. I swear, between you and AnnaBlue, I feel that we are all three leading triple lives! LOL
I don't have any advice. I mean, what can I say? You are a kind hearted person and you did what was best for EVERYONE, including the BM. The woman can't be held unnacountable for her child. If she had custody she would make you guys pay no matter what it cost you I'm sure.
Please, don't feel guilty for making her do the right thing............even though I don't think I would have been nice enough to tell her she can wait and do it in a lump sum. That's where you are better than me.
((((hugs)))) I'm here for you!
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
I hate the fact that she
calls DH a bastard and then has the nerve to say to him... "I wouldn't do this to YOU".... meanwhile, he and I both reminded her of how she DID do that to him! When I met DH, when he only had visitation, he was paying BM much more than 17% - he was paying her mortgage and his apartment. He had to take a 2nd job and she still called him up and asked him for money! And she still somehow ran up the mortgage even higher! She said to him "Well, you paid me all that money because you were still on the mortgage"... She wouldn't sign the divorce decree - even after being separated for about 5 or 6 years!! And then, when they did get the divorce, she acted like he didn't give her enough, and had him agree to an amount much less than the house was worth.
Oh yes! I forgot... She kept saying to Dh - right in front of me... Well, I wanted to work it out with you. We could have worked it out. I tried for 5 years!!
And Dh was saying to her... "Ummm do you remember that you were dating x and y and z, during those 5 years, and that you were supposedly engaged" (That's how he got her to finally agree to the divorce. She thought she would get engaged if she did. My DH and I owe that man a CIGAR!!
So she's sitting there with me, saying how she wanted to work it out with DH. And DH and I were like... do you see who you are right now and who he is? You guys are two COMPLETELY different people!! It would never work and it never would have been good for SD.
And then another thing she said to us in the parking lot... How if she had the money she would give it to us (LIE) but that she was HOPING SHE'D MEET ANOTHER MAN TO HELP HER OUT (meaning pay her bills). She has said that over and over to us.. I just thought I could meet someone to help me .. DH and I both looked at her and said... You'll meet a guy when you stop looking at them like a paycheck instead of like a partner.
So Thanks SMJ... But I'm really not that nice. I am actually the one that forced the issue of even pursuing child support because I am going through some mental issues about changing my line of work!! So thank you for the kind words! I really needed it today!
How can she have the nerve to sit there and say
right in front of you none the less, that she tried to work it out but he refused? God, this is so our BM.
Sometimes I want to do the same, just tell the bitch off for everything she is worth. But for some reason we, as SM's, feel the need to be the nice ones. Wonder why? But the book stepmonster. I swear I've been promoting this book but I tell ya, you'll be amazed.
Stick, you know right now I need to be firm with you. Tough love so to speak. You shouldn't give a shit if BM loses her house or not. Who cares, go rent an apt. Deal with it. Why do YOU always have to be the nice loving one in this relationship? She wouldn't have gave a crap if you and your DH were crying to her about your house. F her, let her deal with the concequences of being a shit ass mother.
I know, usually I'm the nice one but this has gone to far. Stand up for yourself and your household. She's not a factor to you and your family. All to often we try to make her problems be ours. You shouldn't any longer.
Sheesh, I need to take my own advice!
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
Stick I bet it took
every last inch of control not to B**CH slap the women. Isn't it sad that we have to put up with? The stupid stories, wah of the scorned BM? I am sorry that you and DH have to put up with this but you can only stretch yourselves so thin then it will truely effect you don't let it get there k
{{{HUGS}}}}
~Step Parents of a feather stick together!~
Thanks Hopeless! :)
...
Thanks Hopeless! :)
I appreciate the hugs!! I keep trying to remind myself... the best revenge is living well. And that doesn't mean with money! It means that I win by having the most wonderful man that she was too stupid to keep!!
I feel like some of us really are so lucky and the dumb BM's are to ignorant to get it!! Either that, or they can't let themselves get it, because then they'd have to throw themselves off a building!
Thanks Hopeless! :)
sorry I triple posted and can't figure out how to delete 2 of them.... although I will thank you 3 times Hopeless!
Love ya girl!
Thanks StepAside!
You made me LAUGH!! ha! Yes, 2 more years and we don't have to really worry about her anymore!
Something to smile about!!
To be honest SMJ
BM doesn't deserve the house that she's in. DH built it while working 2 jobs. He used to work in construction, and he's also an artist. We wanted to buy the house in the divorce, but she wouldn't give it up. She felt that she deserved it... Her words to DH were - I'm the mother... the daughter should live with the mother and the mother should have the house! So she fought it. We had told her we could handle it better with 2 incomes, but she wouldn't hear of it.
I don't think she deserves it and she certainly does not take care of it. It needs so much work right now and it's sad.
Also... BM held it over DH's head that the house was appraised at a very low amount (DH knew way better) in the divorce. She did this so DH would agree to get a lesser amount as his interest from the sale of the house. So DH said... "OK... I'll agree that house is worth that much. But if you sell it before SD graduates high school for 1 penny over that agreed upon amount, all the money over this amount goes to SD." In addition to that, DH also let his interest in the house be deferred until SD graduates as well.
So, when SD graduates, BM will owe us DH's interest in the house AND 2 years of reduced amount child support.
We want her to sell because then DH will get his $ and SD should get some money too, which would be great. Unfortunately, BM will NOT get any money if she sells right now, because she has mortgaged her own interest up to the limit she could if she were to get anything.
I know we need to be tougher... but my mom and dad went bankrupt when I was 16 and my parents almost lost their home. They were able to keep it by selling a lot of property, but I just cannot live with myself knowing that I could put someone else in that position that devastated our own family when I was younger.
I'm not even sure we'll get any of this money when SD graduates. DH says he will take BM to court to get it. And at that point, SD will be old enough that we won't have to worry about whether she feels we are hurting her mom or not. At least at that point, no one can accuse us of not trying.
I don't mind the "tough love". I want people to tell me what they think about this. I NEED the feedback!
Thanks so much!
You had better be sure
You had better be sure that the paper you signed in front of the notary is a legally binding document, because most of the times documents like that are only worth the paper they're written on. You would be better off having a lawyer draw up a legal document and have it signed by a judge or at the end of the hunt you won't be able to hold her to the agreement.
Thanks Sasha
DH and I worry about that too. We started off this way because it will cost us $900 - $1500 to have the Arbitrator do it. So it's a start. But yes, we are going to file it with the court, or have Arbitrator do so for us. Thanks for the advice. I'll let DH know too.
really great writing. top
really great writing. top notch. felt like i was there with you. stupid birth mothers. they only bring children into this world. really horrible people.
Seriously Dawn, can't we do something about
this? She's clearly back.
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
Goodtalkin
Yes, I do think she's horrible. I guess you are right.
I'll tell you this... I don't think that just because she spit out a baby between her legs means that she's a GOOD mother. She's a mother. She has her good moments. If she thought about her daughter instead of herself, she might not be in the position she's in. Having a daughter who can't stand her and a house she can't afford. She lost the best man I have ever met in my life. Am I right to judge her as horrible.? Probably not... but for this past weekend... I'll let myself slide.
STICK, IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE
DO NOT FALL VICTIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IGNORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
what do you mean shes back?
what do you mean shes back? whos she? and dont cut down my supporters. thank you very much (:
StepAside
OK!! Now we got a blog going!! And a Great DETECTIVE model! Ohhhh the plot thickens!!
Okay, thanks to you and Stick I've spit beer on my
computer screen twice tonight!
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
Stepaside
It's a hairy M&M covered in MUD!
~Step Parents of a feather stick together!~
Hey Stick
You and your DH are kind, generous people who have given BM FAR more than she is entitled to. Kudos to both of you for considering SD's feelings in this matter and encouraging her to have a relationship with her mother. She'll thank you for it. And she'll remember that you did everything you could to help her mother.
You made a couple of statements that struck me:
"If we force BM to give us child support then we are responsible for someone losing their home."
"That I told SD because BM's family was consistently trashing DH and I and talking about how much money we made and how DH was letting BM struggle."
You and DH are NOT responsible for keeping her in the house, nor are you responsible for BM's struggles. There's no reason whatsoever why BM can't sell the house right now to meet the needs of the child SHE GAVE BIRTH TO. She obviously can't afford to live there. It's unfortunate that BM feels she needs a man to take care of her, and doubly so that she seems to think this is still DH's (and your) job. This agreement you've made with her has me a bit worried. It sounds to me like she has no concept of how to manage money and is digging herself deeper and deeper into debt. If she continues on this track, it's likely there won't be any money left after she is forced to sell the house in 2 years. Please do get your legal ducks in a row and make sure she can afford to pay what she owes, rather than having all of the proceeds go to her consumer debt.
You have no reason to feel bad or sorry for her; she is a grown woman who needs to learn how to take care of her own finances. There are all kinds of credit counselling agencies out there that can help her do this. Try looking at it from the opposite point of view; if this was a NC bio-father who did not want to pay child support and whined about how the generous offer on the table would force him to move, how much sympathy would you offer him? The fact is, kids eat first. If you can't afford to support your child, in your custody or otherwise, you need to do whatever it takes, even if that means changing your lifestyle and selling your house.
If you're worried about how this will be perceived by SD and others, take it to a judge and defer to a higher authority. You can rest easy knowing that you did what was fair according to the law.
I'm sorry you're struggling with this, and that you're doing it without your DH for the next little while. Hang in there... we're all here for you.
Thanks Selkie!!
** Hugs ** How are YOU doing??
I'm swell thanks
for asking! Hope you're feeling better today. *HUGS BACK*
Wow, Stick.
I just got on here and read all this. Can't add too much except for this:
1) You definitely need to do whatever's necessary to make sure she pays you that money. Definitely get a lien on her house. I agree with Jen, this has gone way too far.
2) I think you owe it to yourself and your H to stop feeling bad and to stop worrying AT ALL what any of this will do to her. First, she clearly doesn't appreciate it. Second, the only good reason that you would have to feel bad about this would be if you were jeopardizing the roof over your SD's head. But you aren't, because her mom is such an irresponsible bag of SH*T that she is unable to care for her own kid. You are under NO obligation to try to help someone who isn't even capable of helping herself.
And if you're still feeling bad and tempted to give her a break on this stuff, consider this: By worrying about how her life will be affected by this, and letting her play the victim, you are ENABLING her to continue down this irresponsible path to an inevitable bankruptcy or something similar. You're helping to prolong the inevitable. If you really want to help her, then you need to let her feel the complete consequences of her actions. Providing a soft landing to her fall will just make it less likely that she'll pull her head out and actually have the incentive to stop leading her life this way.
So, you see, my perspective is that you'd be kinder to her if you didn't do her any more favors. And that's best for you and your DH, too, as well as your SD (who benefits from that money much more when it's in your hands and not her POS mom's). Something to mull over...)
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Awwww....don't worry....
you and DH are doing the right thing....even tho it sucks sometimes to do the right thing...u are....u are showing SD that u guys WILL fight for her and what real responsibility is. I'm so sick of these BMs getting a free pass and are able to go off and live their lives with no financial, physical or emotional responsibility. You cannot feel bad....this woman had a child and just because that child does not live with her anymore, she still has a responsibility to help raise that child. When u feel bad for BM...remind yurself of how much YOUR life has changed personally....what YOU go without so that HER bio daughter does not go without....that's what a REAL Mom does ;)....(((((HUGS))))))
"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"
Lotus!
Thank you honey! I guess that's why I'm feeling bad... I am sort of reminding myself right now what I am giving up (work wise). By DH and I having to drastically change our careers it affects everything we do... putting off on making more $$ for a home downpayment or more college fund for SD or whatever. I'm even thinking of changing my career to stay home and going back to radio or something. But I'm not sure I'm quite ready for that yet. I love what I currently do for a living and feel that if I quit, BM wins. I"m not ready to give that up yet.
But can I ask... do you think that SD feels like a number now... do you think that children in these situations feel like money as opposed to children? Do they get it?
Thanks for the hugs - I need to snap myself out of this!!!
nah.....they don't feel that way....
I mean I'm not sure 100%, but I know in my case these kids came to me like little sponges....all they wanted was for someone to really love them and be a Mom to them...like I said before,,,,as much as it sucks they HAVE to see BM being made to do what every one else in society does.....support their children....My kids never saw BM doing anything constructive,,,,work, drive, support them at school, never took them to the doctor, etc. so I think they get a false idea that that is what life is like....just sit on yur ass and get by on whatever u can....use whatever man is in yur life to get whatever u want....and for the girls...have babies and make the man pay for everything....its disgusting.....IMHO, u need to make her pay so that yur SD can see how life is supposed to be....no one gets by without contributing, unless u want to be a loser all yur life. Now my skids see how expensive everything is when its done the right way...and they are better kids for it...and they KNOW she should be contributing and she isn't, so they have less and less respect for her....she created that, now she has to live with it......they DO eventually get it Stick, and if u don't show them now, they will probably repeat the patterns she taught them early on.
"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"
Ah Belleboudeuse! And to all, I'm sorry I keep writing on this
Thank you my friend! That is really a good way to look at it. It seems that so many of the women on here all can take responsibility for our own lives and so many of the BM's (or BF's in Rags' case) do not. I can't think of any member of this site that sounds like they would look at a man as a "means to an end" or as a way of furthering their own financial situation. More like we've all done the exact opposite!! ha! It's just crazy to me that BM not only did that to DH, but has not learned her lesson and continues to look for that in a man.
At one point, DH was trying to save the house, because he built it. It took him so long and he poured his heart and soul into it. His daughter used to love it. She'd come home from school and tell her daddy that her friends think she lives in a mansion and then she'd ask him all the time to tell her stories about him building it, or hurting himself while he did it!! (ya gotta love those construction guys!!) You are right again Belle, so much of the motivating factor in letting BM keep the house was because SD was originally living in it, and then, when she came to be with us, would at least always still have it to go "home" to when she was older.
But now, BM has created so many traumatic memories for SD that now SD can barely stand to be there. Some of it is deeper than I know for sure. And some of it is just stupid stuff, like BM is so all about appearances that she chose to take her tax return and put stone on an outside fireplace. Which does absolutely nothing for the house except make it look prettier. Yet she chose to do that instead of getting a new stove so that she could cook for SD. Every meal that kid eats over there comes from a microwave. And it has been that way for years. It's all about how it looks on the outside.
So the reason of keeping the home as a "home" for SD to have is now gone...
I know that you, and everyone else who took the time to write... are correct. We need to not worry about BM losing the home anymore. We know that BM can go live with her mom. I guess I must admit... I read some of the horror stories on here about BF's losing everything, - especially some of Crayon's stories because she lives in NYS as well. I am being selfish because we are afraid that if a judge sees DH's income (even now without mine) that since he makes almost 2x as much as BM we will lose.
The other thing I really have to note is that when we told BM that SD was aware that if the house were sold, she were to get some of the $$... BM was mad and upset. She wanted to know if SD knew how much money or what the numbers were. Because she fought that clause in the divorce and now she doesn't want to live up to it. She's wants to try to hold on to the house until SD graduates so she gets more $$ but now realizes that if she does, it will look like she did it to get out of giving it to SD.
Can you imagine... she doesn't want to give her own daughter the money? DH said that BM has always looked at the house like her payday - either her retirement or something.. and now she realizes that she will have to share some of those profits - not just by paying off her debts, but by giving some to her own daughter. I have to say that that was gratifying for me. To be able to say to her... YOU have already got your interest in the home by refinancing... this house is not just for YOU. You should sell it NOW.
I don't want to enable BM. And I thought that DH and I did to what could be considered a "soft" landing by giving her the time to work it out. But I can tell, since she's already making excuses and saying she doesn't know how she's going to pay us, that we will probably end up taking her to court in 2 years.
Do you think that we shouldn't file the paper with the court, and that maybe we should get an attorney instead?
Again, everyone I'm sorry I keep writing about this. It just has all really come to the forefront - with DH gone, with BM just being BM, and with SD seemingly taking a small step backwards with her depression when DH and I are trying so hard to do everything right.
BM kept crying and saying she "Made poor choices and is now paying for them". Not yet...
Personally, I think yes.
I think you should absolutely get a lawyer. For two reasons (apparently, I'm big on numbered lists
First, you are right that you will probably end up going to court in two years, because I don't even know this woman but I can tell you right now she does not have the SLIGHTEST intention of paying you the money. Whether she signed that agreement or not. She won't do it. As you just said, you have a legally binding document (the divorce decree) that says part of the house money goes to her own daughter, and she's trying to screw her daughter out of the money. Why would she be any more honest or fair with you? And if you don't get this paperwork done right, now, at the beginning, she's very likely to figure out a way to weasel out of paying you. You need a lawyer, someone with far more knowledge than you and more experience in how sh*tty people in these situations can be, to tell you how to avoid this.
Second, getting a lawyer involved means that you have someone to contact her on your behalf -- someone who will scare her. You guys don't scare her -- she just cries her crocodile tears and figures she can just do the same stuff she's always done, and she'll get away with it just like she always does. A lawyer doesn't have any history with her and doesn't give a flying f*ck whether she could lose her home. And she knows it.
Our situation has improved radically with the BM in the past year. Wanna know how? DH finally got sick of her screwing him on "expenses" for the kids. She was asking for all this money for extras, but was unwilling to provide any receipts to show what she was paying. Eventually, we figured out that she was charging us for all this crap that was supposed to be covered by basic support -- and even for stuff that was for her own personal use! When we did the math, fully 2/3 of the stuff she wanted to be reimbursed for was not stuff DH had any business paying extra for. Plus, she was supposed to be insuring the kids, but refused to do it (he had to) or to reimburse DH for the premiums he was paying. So, we got a lawyer to send her a letter saying we were taking her to court. She at first was really defiant and got her own lawyer, saying that she was going to take him back to court for an increase in child support. But our lawyer knew that she probably wouldn't have a case, so we just upped the ante and said we were suing her for $11,000 in back insurance payments she owed him. And we haven't heard a word about the case in months. I think it's because she knows now we mean business and are done being bullied into things. And she probably knows that we could win this in court. She's much more manageable now... as she tries to have as little contact with us as possible, since we're still waiting for her lawyer to respond to our lawyer's last letter!!!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Yes, get an attorney
It doesn't matter what the numbers are. It's about what is morally and ethically (and legally) right. It's not ethical for BM to not support her child, regardless of her financial position. It's just downright WRONG to put a house first. Stay strong. Get a lawyer to arrange the details. And let this woman stand on her own.