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2 years (long). this is my last post. I found my closure.

insight's picture

This whole thing was a bad idea from the beginning. First, the car in the summer of 2007. I bought that car under a great desire to see him. Guess what, the car ended up being a lemon. (so did he).
Summer - Fall 2007 I spent on checking my phone, living miserable life between work and school just to see him over the weekend( driving 250 miles). Oh, yeah, his two kids - 10 and 12 at the time - I was trying to be a "stepgirfriend". Planning stuff, cooking, laundry, more crap. After loosing 10 pounds from stress he asked me if I want to move and marry him. Well, not officially, he couldn't afford the ring and I didn't insisted.
Why didn't I run right then?
Moving. He bought house in 2007, peak of the market. He got piece of shit fixer-upper. You know, everyone was on HDTV then watching "Flip that house". Well I guess he didn't realize that house could only take demolition - no flip would do the trick. So he tried to fix it up, started million projects and never had them finished. Leaving in permanent construction zone.
Why didn't I run right then?
I moved on may 1st to the city where you can hear gunshots everyday, where airal spraying is a part of the morning sunrise, and half of the population don't speak English. Oh well, I thought that as long as u with the person you love, who cares?!.. Wrong.
Summer 08, He called our trip to Vegas a vacation. I thought, honey, do you know what vacation is? Oh well. Kids went all crazy on me moving. I started taking insane amount of units at school. I was under the great pressure to graduate. But wait, I was working 35 hours too to support my needs and some of his. So much pressure, housework, taking care of the kids, school.. I didn't see a day light.
He wanted more... In august he got rid of that shack and bought a new one, a bigger fixer upper. Why? He likes fixing.
Why didn't I leave then?
Oh, I thought I love him and things would change...
Thousands of dollars and a few months later, right after Christmas his kids started completely disrespecting me. We got in the huge arguments. I hoped things would change.
My mom came to visit. I was working and taking 24 units. My mom freaked out. She said that this is not what I deserved. I started to listen.
February 09. I commuted 3 days of week to the different university to take class to graduate in spring. On top of 24 units I was already taking in my home school. He has not been supportive. Him and his kids just demanded more attention. He started to throw his accusations out: you don't clean the house enough, don't take care of me, kids, etc. I couldn't believe. And finally started to pack my bags. At first he was pouring the dirt over my head. After realizing I'm not kidding, he asked me not to leave. I stayed. Everybody apologized and we moved on.
Why didn't I run away then? I should have had...
Going along, I barely passed that class at the school 40 miles away. Graduation time coming, he booked the trip to Puerto Rico. 2 of us, exciting. Guess what, on the same week we would be gone, his kids were graduating elementary/middle school. We still went. It was partially hell. He wanted to go out. All the time.
Oh yeah, he always wants to go out. I like to go out too, but the city we were in had absolutely nothing to offer. 2.5 bars with weird crowd. I'm not a drinker and get easily bored from the crowed like that. I would rather stay home and have a good wine and read a book.
We are back, I got a job that I hate, but there is no much choice, no jobs around here at all.
On top of this kids are not even saying hello to me. I'm so tired of all this BS. I flipped out. I wanted him to step up to my side and enforce some rules in the household. We argued 3 days in the row. I thought, that I loved him. I made him some dinner. He left to work. I opened his myspace email ( I knew I should not have) and what I saw was....
He emailed one of the girls he admired that he is splitting up and need he to introduce him to "a girl or two". Shocked, I dialed a number of my friend and asked if I could stay with her for a bit.
He came home, told him that tomorrow I'm leaving him for good. He got mad, started accusing me in giving up on him and his kids. Start blaming me for all of his problems. I didn't mention myspace thing.
Next morning he woke up and left the house early. He went to the races to hang out with his friends.
I was more reassured than ever. It was time to go. I packed a suitcase, took my dog and left. He came home on me walking out and all he said was, so you are leaving, huh?
Next morning he called and asked me to get back together. I said no, I confronted him with that myspace message. He started blaming me, said that I'm overreacting? sick! I told him its over and I will get the rest of my stuff this week. I found another email draft, he was going to send to 20 years old girl in Puerto Rico, saying that he is "young mexican, who is interested in meeting her when he was going be there for vacation in June". He is 35. I wanted to puke. This is a sick person.

I don't regret anything. I just have learned alot....

Comments

nomore's picture

wow, the begining of this sounds all to familer. you "why didn't i leave then" has played out for me way to many times and it's scary to think i'm headed down the same road. what will it take and what will be the last straw?
well...i'm sorry you had to go through so much. i hope that life gives you a bit of a break and you can finally breath. good luck to you and God bless!

Sita Tara's picture

"I don't regret anything. I just have learned alot...."

I hope you mean that last line most of all. And I hope you find what makes you happy, deliriously happy, and that it has nothing to do with a man until it has everything to do with you and you alone first.

Goodluck and Godbless.

And many many HUGS.