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VACATION AND STEPSON

gijimenez5's picture

Submitted by gijimenez5 on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 10:06am

Vacation is something I always look forward to. I love going to a new place and I always take my BS14 and BS05. My DH doesn't feel the same way, he feels it's a waste of money (he has a much tougher money situation). One year he had no money to go so I basically paid for the trip. Obviously if I paid there was no question on if he can bring SS11. Last year we could not go because we were getting married, funds were limited so no vacation was taken. This year I plan on going to Virgine Islands. We are all excited. My fear is that he tries to bring in SS11. I don't think that it is our responsibility to take him. He has gone to Puerto Rico, Disney World, and he went somewhere last year (can't remember)with his mom. We couldn't afford it and he got to go on vacation. This year he keeps pushing that we have to go as a family (which I am taking to mean include SS11) and besides how much more expensive it would be I don't get along with him. Every single trip we have gone too (locally) has ended bad because he likes things to be done his way and when it's not done he acts like a brat. For my engagement my DH took us all to the Zoo, my BS05 wanted to see an exhibit which he didn't so he started acting out on the line, my DH covered as usual and said he was dehydrated (whatever). My BS14 and SS11 knew that my DH was planning on proposing and yet he couldn't behave himself and not make it about him. I was surprised but I will always remember how he annoyed me for the rest of the day (he proposed after the incident).

Am I wrong to not take SS11 or is it hiw BM responsibility? For my BS14 I take him I don't expect his father and his wife to take my BS14 so I think it applies to me as well and I don't get CS, at least my DH pays his CS.

Comments

12yrstepmonster's picture

Submitted by 12yrstepmonster on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 11:38am

The way I approach these kind of things:

Would I be upset with dh if he took skids on a vacation without me and my kids? No UNLESS we only had money for one trip.

Would u be upset if dh told me he didn't wa.t my dd to come with us.

Treat as you want to be treated.

I forwent years of vacations.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 12:05pm

Treat as you want to be treated.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WOW. That is what life should be about. I also did not take vacation for many years because I did not want to spend it with SS. And I would NEVER ask DH to leave his son out of a vacation.

gijimenez5's picture

Submitted by gijimenez5 on Fri, 02/10/2012 - 9:11am

I think I do treat as I would want to be treated. First I do not expect my BS real father to take him on vacation when he goes with his family. I see it as my responsibility (even though he pays 0 CS). 2nd I don't cover my BS bad behavior I nip it on the butt, my BS and DH actually get along great and have a good relationship, but again I think that is owed to how I discipline my son which DH doesn't. If DH and BM took time to better discipline their son maybe I would want to take him on vacation.

starfish's picture

Submitted by starfish on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 12:43pm

i refuse to take skids on vacation. kind of defeats the purpose of vacation if you're going to be fucking miserable the whole time. big fat waste of money.

can you schedule it when ss is with bm and "oh, too bad, it's your mother's visitation time"?

if dh hasn't come right out and said something, maybe make the arrangements as if ss NOT inlcuded.. then it's too late or too expensive to buy another ticket. }:-)

i say fuck the cruise, they may kid clubs, but the brat will never be far enough away for you to relax and enjoy yourself.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 12:50pm

Well I am going thru my own vacation dilemma curently with dh and ss. My ss is almost 14 and a total pill. We always vacationed with him when he was younger-always. Up until about 2 years ago when I said I just couldnt take it anymore. SS is typically worse behaved on vacation than anywhere else. He does not accept me or my kids as his "family" (although we've been blended since age 1)so he does not want all of us to be happy on a family vacation. He takes no trips with his bm. The last vaca we went on two years ago with ss-he refused to do anything I said. At all. And told everyone (myself, dh and my kids) that he did not HAVE to do anything I said, because I was NOT his mother, and he did NOT have to act like I was and that dh told him this (which he didnt). He also told us all after we pulled out of the beach house on the way home-that he really did not like any of us (except dh) and did not wish to be around any of us unless dh was present at all times. He also choked my ds in the swimming pool. Drank my wine cooler I had left on the counter, screamed constantly, refused to help us pack up, peed himself daily, did not use soap nor shampoo the entire week we were there. Just yuck. We've tried a couple of weekend camping trips since then and both trips he spent hours screaming in the tent. Literally-hours. I am surprised we were not asked to leave. He has also shoplifted on our vaca's, snuck into our room and stole my panties, and well, I could go on but will stop there.

Right now, his big thing (well it has been his big thing for about 5 years or so) is that he will not speak to me and he actively avoids me. I enter a room, he leaves. i try and speak to him and he promptly finds the nearest door. I buy him something, he turns to dh and thanks him. He needs something from me, he will try and pass a message thru one of the other kids. When confronted, he states he just has nothing to say to me.

This is not a vacation to me. I work full time (my dh is disabled, retired). I have limited time off each year and I also love, love, love to travel. My dh would also rather stay home and just buy things. So the thought of taking a kid who makes it crystal clear that he does not like me and who has about a 10 year history of bad behavior on trips is killing me. If he could display good behavior, I would take him.

Dh wants to take him. He just started visiting again after a 6 month absence (he didnt feel like visiting us).

I feel like I have very valid reasons for not wanting to take the kid. It's not just that he gets on my nerves or I dont like to be around him. I also would have absolutely NO problem explaining to the kid exactly why he was not invited. He's already been excluded from 3 of our previous trips and he never even asked why or inquired about it(he'd have to some sort of contact with us to even ask). So why dh is pushing the envelope on this one-IDK-but I dont like it!

Anonymous_stepmom's picture

Submitted by Anonymous_stepmom on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 2:54pm

All because SO's mom/family is giving us a hard time about taking skids to Disney with us it's SO that keeps telling me to happily plan my trip for just the 6 of us, he told me he would deal with his family when the time came, reason being it is NOT my obligation to take them on any trips, if I do it's because I want to not because I feel forced. Because they will get to do stuff with their mom my kids won't get to do, there for my kids will get to do stuff the skids won't get to do, simple as that. And finally, it would be completely crazy to take skids, they would never behave and they would never cope well in turn making the trip miserable for everyone including themselves. That's what I wish MIL would understand, just because it seems morally right does not mean it's a good idea. I've already planned and booked a trip for skids this Summer, I do know that won't matter though, she will still see it as unfair we aren't taking the kids to Disney, SO told me not to worry about it.

Bottom line, if you do not want to take him with you just tell your husband that. It may cause a shit storm or maybe he will surprise you and be accepting of it?