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BM teaching SS concept of SM...Please help!

youngmama1b1g's picture

Submitted by youngmama1b1g on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 4:31pm

So, apparently BM has started trying to explain to SS4 that I am his SM.
I really dont like this. She has what I feel to be crazy ways of explaining things, shes finally stopped telling him that god is a superhero. (Not like a superhero, but that god was a superhero-same as spiderman). I understand the idea of watering things down for children to understand, but there's certain things I feel shouldve be because it'll just confuse him later on.
I really don't want my role to be reduced to "the woman your daddy married" or "a fake mom" or whatever she decides i should be.
I'd be fine just being known as "[BD's name]'s mom" or just by my first name, as he calls me now. But with her trying to explain it, I dont know if I should try to offer my own explanation or just wait it out like I was originally going to do. I mean, I wouldnt even know how to explain to a 4 yr old what a step mom is and we're not getting married until April.
Please help!

Do I wait until he asks or explain it when I think he's ready for it?
Or do I just try to put an idea in his head regardless just so Im not defined by whatever defination BM gives?

Comments

stpmom2b's picture

Submitted by stpmom2b on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 4:40pm

I tried to explain and ss ended up telling his mom he would call me stepmommy and have 2 mommys. NOT what I said!!

Unhappy's picture

Submitted by Unhappy on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 4:51pm

I have yet to marry my SO. But when his daughter found out that we are planning on getting married she called me her step mom. My response was, no I'm (insert my name) and that's it.

I'm not her mother nor do I wish to take her mothers place. I am me. I have no problem being her friend, helping her when she's hurt, comforting her when she's scared, and any other thing that she needs from me(within reason of course). But I am no stepmom. I will be her fathers wife and her friend if she'll let me.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 5:13pm

My wife and I married when my SS-18 was 1yo.

When he was young I countered this issue by telling my SS that I was the dad in this house. Since I am the only full time dad he has ever had the other guy was relegated to "Daddy FirstName" by the kids own choice. We never told him to call me daddy or the other guy Daddy FirstName.

As he got older the SpermIdiot and SpermGrandMa would load my SS up with their toxic "he is not your "REAL" he is only your step dad so you can't call him dad" crap.

I countered that with "A biodad is the one that made you with your mom. A step dad is the one who is married your mom. A "REAL" dad is the one who goes to work every day so that you can have a nice safe place to live, safe cars to ride in, good food to eat, good schools for you go to, teaches you to use the toilet, read, write, ride your bike, coaches your little league team, soccer team, swim team, goes to your parent teacher conferences school plays and concerts, and loves you and your mom very much".

He responded "sounds like you are my real dad to me".

We had to have this conversation a couple times as he was growing up following a SpermClan visitation.

I find that fact is the best way to counter this type of vitriolic crap from the blended family opposition. Temper the delivery to be age appropriate for the kid but counter the BM’s vitriolic manipulations with fact. This cuts down on confusion for the kid and eventually pulls BM's teeth as the kid grows up with the facts, begins to find enlightenment about the BM and forms their own opinion of who their "real" parents are.

Status as a "real" parent is not a factor of genetics; it is a factor of who performs the actions of parenting.