I need your advice......
Hi. I am new to posting so, hope this goes in the right place.
What do you do when you are trying to set boundaries/establish rules with the kids?
We are going to be married in six weeks. And I know one of the most frustrating things for me is that they do not clean or pick up after themselves. Ages (8,11,15). Their M keeps their house a wreck (she honestly could care less)- Their F has not been as disciplined with them as he would have liked (in his household) b/c of the guilt from the divorce and having them less time.
Yes I know they are kids. And they can be messy- No problem. We do dinner, clean dishes, clean house, and their laundry, etc...I am new to this. I do not want to be resentful of doing these things, How do we get them involed more, with going easy with all the changes in their lives????????? I do not see the harm in asking them to pick their clothes up in the bathroom (wet towels), wash some dishes, "if you got it out, put it back"- BUT I had a s-mom, I remember. How do we do this without the evil step mom syndrome. What is too much????????
What is the best way????? Need your help..........
I am trying to be funny by saying, "the maid(name changes weekly) called and said that she was not coming this week- You will have to do that until she comes the next week" The next week I use that same line. (No, we don't have a maid.)
Growing up my SMom was always telling us what to do. Yes I have my own fears that I will come across as the evil one (just like she was) She really was........
Yes I know, he needs to address the issues more than I do. But he can be very passive on these situations.
I like things clean when we go to bed at night, they could care less......
I need to pick and choose my own battles when it comes to what really needs to be clean and what can wait.
We think that we are going to have a family talk about some of the things that we (all) can see happening when I move in. Honestly- they are going to upset me and I them. They need to know that this is ok. But what we do about it and how we handle it- that is the key.
Any advice would help....
Thanks.
Mel
- Wifi's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Let me just save yourself
Let me just save yourself from the bloody forehead you're going to have from beating your head onto a wall...if their FATHER does not get involved with this discussion, your stepchildren will not do the chores. Bottomline, he needs to ditch the passive role, and step up to the plate. From experience I will tell you, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SET THE CHORE RULES YOURSELF WITHOUT YOUR HUSBAND TAKING AN ACTIVE ROLE IN THE DISCUSSION!
Melissa
It might not work as well for the 15 year old as it will the 8 year old…but…try to attach an award system to it…assign them all a chore or set of chores and then allow for their to be a “prize” for having completed the chore…it can be anything that works for your family…more t.v./video game time, make your own ice cream Sundays for desert, a “you get to pick the activity” activity where everyone in the family has to participate (i.e. you all go for a bike ride, play a board game or whatever the child wants to do..) If you take the “sting” out of it…it will go over MUCH better….but I’d definitely start with assigning things and laying out some house rules…you have to break any and all bad habits asap…that way they can learn “How we do it at Daddy and XOXO’s house”
Melissa
I have the same problem. Stepson's biomom keeps her house like a pig pen. Nothing is put away. It is a constant battle here, to get stepson to put his things away. He likes the drop and run technique and just expects it find its way to his room ( by me putting them away for him). I told him that if he doesn't put something of his away and I find it, I will be taking it for an extended period of time. I gave him two warnings and now I have his Gameboy game pack in my closet.
Stepson does like to live in a neat house as opposed to a messy house(at least that is what he says). I just have to get him to understand that it WILL take a little work to keep the house neat.
It is especially bad when he comes back from biomom's house. So, it is a continual re-programming.
I say, set the rules and stick to them. Hopefully, they will get it.
Dawn
Set chores and rules about
Set chores and rules about cleaning up the house, picking up after themselves. You'll need to sit w/your husband first and be on the same page on this discipline. Then sit the kids down and make a list of the things they are responsible for everyday before going to bed. If consequences is needed then let them know what they are. It's good to start now when they are young.
It isn't going to work, unless...
you and your husband are on the same page. I have heard about households where both parents have children from a prior marriage and only the biological parent will discipline their biological child, but I think that is crazy. Your home is just that - your home. You should be allowed to establish and enforce rules for any child in your home. Your husband does need to be on the same page as you and back you up on things, though. If he doesn't - the kids will know it and play you against each other. You need to sit down with your husband and get on the same page when it comes to his kids. Don't compromise on things that you are not comfortable with -such as not being able to discipline - however, be flexible in areas that you are less concerned about. If you have children of your own someday your household should run the same with or without your stepkids. That should include rules, rewards, etc. Stepkids should feel like part of the family - not royalty.
Thanks
Yes, He and I are on the same page when it comes to the rules and boundaries in the house. But I can still see this being a problem. I come from a strict family. You did what you were told no questions asked. YOU JUST DID IT. With these kids there are explanations, debates, why not's (as you all know). Bio-Mom is all about alternative parenting styles (gentle disciplining, etc...)- Now I am not saying this is wrong (just do not understand it.) Personally (in my situation) see it is more harmful for the kids, and not as secure or structured. (THESE KIDS HAVE NO SECURITY OR STRUCTURE OF ANY KIND.) While needing to keep in mind that this is all they know and how to say---------------- Hey kids!!! Who wants to play a game? Me. Me. Me. Okay. What do we want to call it???????? I know! Let's call it.....Change everything in your life at one time. How does that sound??
I am just venting...in three weeks their mother is getting married (only annouced about 6 weeks ago) and her and her boyfriend just bought a house that they will be moving into in three weeks. The oldest is starting H.S. at a private school that he does not want to attend. And then their F and I will be getting married at the end of Sept. following up with me moving in... Yes we have been planning our wedding for awhile) I feel the need to throw that in, Just to scream to the world "WE HAD OUR DATE SET BEFORE SHE DID"!!!
I know how childish. But then again I have had my ring (which is very unique)for quite sometime that ,yes, she has seen several times. Only she gets the same exact ring except with a saphire. If I showed you pictures, you would GASP! She puts everything on her blog site to see.
Here is the thing------I have all of my own stuff (past experiences) of how horrible it was when I was their age (blending families.) I never want these kids to feel one ounce of what I felt. (Yes, that is an unrealistic expectation). Today, I am so much more aware of what my step mother and father were trying to do. It is too bad that the children never get it while growing up, only afterwards. All I really know is this. I am scared and do not want to cause harm (emotionally or mentally) to these three amazing people.
Yes I do have enough backbone to do this and set the rules and stand by them. This is just overwhelming stuff!!!!!!!!!!
If feel like I have not even started (to be SM) and I am already overwhelmed...................
Hmmmm
Its all very well going into an already made family with all these notions of 'RULES' but when you have raised kids its a different story. You have to learn to listen to them as as well - they also have identities and need to be heard.... Umm my husband was also brought up in a very strict household and we have had many conflicts with raising my daughter. Like you not understanding no rules, I really dont get rules that are there just to be rules half the time.. I listen to my daughter, yet am firm too. She is 14 and a great kid (of course lol) and we have a very close relationship, she is lazy but we work on that. If she doesnt pick up after herself, she knows it upsets me and all I have to do is ask her and its done. Other than that there have been very few 'rules' in the home, maybe because I was a single mother for 6 years... and it was easier that way, I dont know. Im not saying have no rules at all, as Im sure that my husbands way of working things could have been correct if my daughter had grown up with rules but she hadnt so he had to try to understand my way. What Im trying to say is; dont go into this relationship thinking its all going to work like clockwork because there are rules, all these 3 kids have different identities and they will surface soon enough, you have to be prepared and ready to lean towards each childs way of thinking too... My SD's mother is also filthy dirty, (another story) when SD comes to visit, she does tidy up when asked to but thats the only time. I keep a tidy home and I think that when she sees that she actually likes it but just doesnt think.. I was ironing one day and she asked me what I was doing... I asked her if she wanted to try. I am by NO means a pushover but I think that by setting toooo many rules may end up making them redundant, try not to get so caught up in them and relax a bit. Its hard feeling like a maid but face it, its all a part of being a mother.
It also sounds to me as though you feel that you are in some kind of competition with the ex... wedding dates, rings.... be yourself, she has her life and you have yours, dont try outdo her, she may try with you but let her. You may have had a bad experience growing up with stepfamilies but dont let that be what you base this one on. You are overwhelmed now? I hate to tell you but its only going to get more and more complicated.... take one day at a time! I wish you all the luck, Im sure it will all be fine, just remember that not ALL kids need rules to guide them, sometimes an ear to listen to them can work miracles...
Ariadne
We are not coming up with rules (I really hate that word) just to have fun. I am talking about basics. Instead of leaving their shoes, clothes, toys all over (our soon to be) bedroom, kitchen, livingroom. Pick them up/Clean it up when you are finished. They have a difficult time with this concept?
I have no problem cleaning, cooking dinner, doing laundry, yardwork, (which I have been doing on every Thursday night and every weekend we have them for the past nine months) Not to mention me commuting back to Atlanta during the week to work. The kids and I are very close.
I do not want to impose on them my perfered parenting style- They already have one. We all have to conform to each others needs. I get that. I just need advice from other women in my situation who do want to impose their house guidelines (rules), in a non-threatening, loving way. I am overwhelmed. Period. Do I know it is going to get worse. Hell, YES!
My apologies if I sound defensive. I am just trying to make the best of this situation for all involved.
As to the competition------I do not want to be in one.
But since we have gotten engaged early Spring, She has started dating a guy, gotten engaged, With a ring exactly like mine(I am telling you if I showed you pictures you would be appauld.) bought a house, done everything we have- in an express kind of way. Knowing that I need to be concerned about us and what we can do- yes I know that. No one can control this woman. But she can still get to me. Some days are good. This one is not so good.
melissa,
melissa,
Just take things one day at a time. Its gonna take some time to smooth things out but patience and consistancy will take you far. And I think you have a good start already. Just keep a positive attitude and things will work out.