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Stepchild’s homework

WickedNJ's picture

Help!

My Sd is a sophomore in high school. Excellent student until the pandemic when she got a couple cs but still mostly an a student.

She lives with us 100% of the time. Her father is hands off on the homework. Is it my responsibility to interfere? She lets everything go til the last minute, then stresses out. I want to help but I am not sure it's my place.

I was always academically very successful so I feel I can help but it's a weird position to be in. I am not her mom. We have been married for 3 years and she has lived here all three. We get along well and I love her though I find her undisciplined. Her dad has divorced dad syndrome and is very lax. Her mom has BPD and is not allowed to see her.

I am uneasy and unsure on how much I should intercede. Help appreciated

thank you!!!

Comments

BethAnne's picture

If she is generally getting A's then I would just make sure that her panics and leaving things to the last minute don't affect you. ie your plans for yourself and the rest of the family should not be cancelled because she has to do last minuite work on school projects etc. Otherwise it is just her way of working and doing things. You could ask if she wants some tips on better time management, but if she declines then I would leave it. It works for her, so let her get on with it. 

It might be fustrating to watch but trying to adjust her way of working is probably not going to go down well and may not help her in the end. 

CLove's picture

I have an SD14, sho started her Freshman year of high school with distance learning. She had signed herself up for an honors English class, and art class (shes VERY good at drawing) and Orchestra (she plays violin) in addition to the regular required coursework, all very ambitious I thought, and she was very excited about starting highschool.

WELL, her mother had signed her up and put herself as primary contact and DH's cell phone as secondary, which NORMALLY would not be a problem, but shes not very involved in kiddos schoolwork, like, ever. Trust me this is important to my story. So, with distance learning, there is this thing called "Parent Portal", whereby parents can see their childrens progress. To set this up you need a special code given after signing up for classes, which we never got. Then the child is doing their distance learning through Goodgle Classrooms, and some teachers will send out notifications of assignments due and late work. I was invited into this, as a "guardian". I set myself up an account and use it to also email teachers when necessary, all with my DH's approval.

OK, so Im getting to the point, I swear!!!

When I suddenly stopped getting the updates to my google account I emailed a teacher and she pointed out that the Parent Portal was supposed to be my main tool for tracking progress. I then contacted the IT admin for the school, and she helped me get signed up with our account. There are two accounts per family. I logged on and was in for quite a shock. All those missing work notices, and assurances that yes they were done! When in reality she had 3 F's (honeors Englis, Art & Orchstra) 1 B in biology and straight C's. Not because of low quiz scores (that too...) but MISSING ASSIGNMENTS. Not a single orchestra assignment had been completed the entire school year, and this was right after Thanksgiving holiday break. only 2 art assignments and a few english assignments.

I screenshotted the school report, and texted DH. He called SD14. At the time she was spending her week with her mother Toxic Troll, and when she is there its like shes dissappeared into this vortex of nothingness. I cant get through. After DH had his talk, I texted. She texted back that she can deal with one of us but not both of us. I said ok, who then? Because Toxic Troll is basically useless.

She said she would work with me. I had a few zoom meetings with the teachers I could. Her art teacher was out on maternity leave and  could not find the sub. I was in email communications, also. I discussed with her what our strategy would be. The point was that she had gotten herself into such a deep hole, that she felt overwhlemed and the distance learning puts more of the responsibility with the kids and their parents. There is little to no accountability. When she got overwhelmed she shut down. Your Sd is smart enough to get good grades so far, so is my SD. So you have SOMETHING to work with.

So, what did I do? Well, I got Sd's Google Classroom credentials to view ALL her assignments past and present and made a checklist. I badgered her "are you working on your assignments?" When she said that she "couldnt record when anyone else is in the house", I badgered her while we were both at work.  I also bought her art supplies on my own dime, because her excuse was that the sub wanted pencil and pen on paper and not digital and she had given away all her stuff to go fully digital.

So, methodically and consitently I worked away at her excuses, and reasons and with each assignment completed, the weight on her shoulders was less. But I asked her first to work with me, and that I could really help her in a positive way. Her father did not have the patience and her mother was useless. I lectured her on college and how many opportunities she would have if she got good grades. She wants to go to college.

SO. That being said, I communicated to her, she is smart enough to see the truth of what I told her. And she brought her Fs up to C's, got 3 Bs. High B's. And she wants my help starting 2nd Semester, to get her on track so she doesnt get so far behind. She got so overwhelmed she didnt see any way out of it. Thsi distance learning isnt for everyone. Some are doing really well, and some arent.

So - thats what I did and it worked out.

WickedNJ's picture

Really similar! I too discovered the cs on her grades were due to incompletes not turned in. The virtual school is really hard for some kids. She was crying about being overwhelmed.

this approach is great thank you 

CLove's picture

Let her know that EVERYONE is struggling, not just her, shes not alone.

Let us know how it goes. Glad sharing my story helped out a bit.

WickedNJ's picture

Really similar! I too discovered the cs on her grades were due to incompletes not turned in. The virtual school is really hard for some kids. She was crying about being overwhelmed.

this approach is great thank you