94 year old father faux sm
My father is 94 and is showing beginning stages of alzheimers. He lives with an 82 year old woman who has been his companion for 30 years or so, they are not married. This woman has a 47 year old son that has a history of drug abuse, drug dealing and jail time. He has no job and is currently in long term rehab for his drug addiction. My father, when he was younger forbid this man to stay at his home. However, this man conned his mother with "its cold outside, ill be homeless, im hungry" and she let him in on a temporary basis. This was years ago. Now that my father is in a weakend condition, he doesnt have the strength nor the will to fight this. This man lives in my fathers house, pays nothing, and when my dad is sleeping takes the keys to his car and carouses at night. He sleeps all day, and my dad forks the bill for food and all the comforts for this woman and her son. This woman has virtually taken over control of everything. She does make sure dad has his meds and eats. Over the years police have knocked down my dads front door, people come and go as he sells drugs out of my dads garage, and he has to sleep with his wallet under his mattress. One time dad asked him to run to the store for them and loaned his car and atm card to this man, and he took off for a week! This is what I mean when I say my father isnt thinking straight anymore. I feel at a loss here. I do have power of attorney, but I need two doctor observations that say dad is mentally incompetent before it takes effect. He will not go to the doctor. I have had several arguments with this woman and man over what they are doing, to no avail as my father says, "dont talk to her that way." I keep an eye on finances, and goings on to the best of my ability, but this man will be out of rehab soon and will probably return to my fathers home. Now that dad has had a bad fall, his mobility is weakened and his mind is going they will take full advantage of him. Im at a loss here and am asking for any advice, insight, or help that you wise people might offer. Im entirely grateful for your support.
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You're probably going to have
You're probably going to have to speak to a lawyer. A court might be able to order your father to take a mental competency test, but I'm not sure.
Attorney
I have spoken with attorney, the one who wrote the trust and will. 2 doctors or no go. Sad but true.
The 47 yo loser
Isn't going anywhere. He getting a bed three meals and doing his drugs, dealing , using. How can he have it better. Once you get GF out you are going to have either take your father in your home or an assistant living place . It just so screw up a good thing the GF, gets screw up by her loser DS. You better start doing something, before his house get in the once a month police raiding schedules
True
Sadly, agree with you.
Helping your dad's partner
Helping your dad's partner help her son will work better than fighting her. I'm sure she would like him to be drug free and productive. Help her to encourage that. Maybe there are local programs that can help him after rehab? Go with her to a nar-anon group. Work with her not against her.
The best outcome is for step son to live independently and be drug free with a job and your dad to stay with his partner of 30+ years and be cared for at home. He will be a lot happier with his chosen companion in his own home than in a care home.
True
This is what I have attempted to do the past few weeks. Keep your friends close, your enemies closer.
The recommendation from the
The recommendation from the rehab facility will surely be to transition through a halfway house or similar. They will NOT recommend that the addict move back to the same circumstances he left. Sobriety requires that he fully take responsibility for himself. His mother has been enabling him all these years, and likely some codependency there. She'll probably want him back with her so she can "help" him.
Find out the plan for his next step. Maybe he's serious about sobriety and will have living arrangements elsewhere. If not, I agree with speaking with an attorney.
Hope so
I hope you're right. The mom is enabling him and I hope the system sees this.
Maybe look into assisted
Maybe look into assisted living where she could go with him. There is no assisted living place that would accept the son of his SO there. Your father would get the treatment he needs, the comfort he deserves and his life companion by his side but NO leech.
Thats
A good idea. Thank you!
Adult protective services
Have you went the social services route? They do have adult protective services that work pretty much like child protective services. If the home is unsafe, which with drug addicts and dealers running in and out, it definitely is not a good environment for your ailing father. These organizations do not have the most gleaming reputation, especially the children's service side of it. But what they can do is find resources to help everyone involved.
Getting them involved will help to stop the drug activity going on. Tha addict needs to be held accountable for all his wrongdoing. If that requires banishment from the property and him winding up in jail... then so be it. That may sound harsh but sometimes jail is the best place for an addict to be. Removing that piece definitely accomplishes making your father's environment safer.
I dont think the enabler would be on board with this at all. Therefore, work around her, not with her. I agree wholly that she should remain your fathers caretaker and by his side. At least until that no longer works. You need resources along with the legal aspect. But first things first. Secure the environment by getting the drugs and users away from there.
Also, when it comes time to deal with the legal stuff, having social workers involved will surely work to your advantage. Their opinions and suggestions do hold alot of weight if you have to fight a legal battle later on. I am routing for you and I pray for your strength to make some hard decisions. The whole situation is heartbreaking all the way around.
Agreed
I have been in touch with aps. At this point the addict is in rehab and not on premises. If he returns, I will not be afraid to label it all elder abuse and have them go in. Their main concern is the elderly physical safety. Thank you for your empathy, it truly is a sad heartbreaking situation.
Im so sorry you and your father are going through this
Its truly heartbreaking. I have no advice, but just sending you my prayers and good thoughts.
Thank you
Philipians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. (and a little help from my friends here)
File elder abuse charges
File elder abuse charges agains the woman. Get an RO/PO keeping her kid away from your father and his home. You cannot settle for "dad won't go to the doctor". You have to go full protect dad and zero tolerance with the woman and her POS 47yo waste of skin spawn.
Get the court involved to invoke your POA and get this woman and her child the hell out of your dad's life.
After my granddad passed my dad met with an attorney with his mom. The goal was to get dad full POA and for him to care for her needs using her resources. The attorney asked my grandmother to step out and then informed my dad (I was there too) that no Judge would find her incompetent even with the Dx for dementia. The attorney then advised that we just assume control of her resources and do what we considered to be in her best interests. Which is exactly what we did. After her home was sold and granddad's life insurance settled, we split all of her money 3 ways to stay below the threshhold levels for IRS or LEO attention and to start the clock on ticking away towards those resources not being recoverable by the IRS or taken in the event she had to go into a full care Medicare/Medicaid funded nursing home.
We were able to preserve her resources, care for her, and provide a wonderful life for her for the last years of her life. She passed when she was 84.
Thing is
I was waiting to hear from you. You are correct. I should file charges against her but that would destroy my dad. He thinks she loves him. He is completely dependent on her. I have all ready told her that elder abuse charges are not out of the question. As far as poa, there is a will and trust. He has left that woman money and some goods. I get the house and money. All documents are there I just need to activate it. I am on top of his finances as you guys were, and am filing his taxes and have his bank info. I bring them food once a week so I keep my hairy eyeball on things. If he gets weaker, more confused, I can then get the poa activated. At this point, he is still cognitive to some degree. Believe me, I want these people gone, but have to put my dad first. Tough situation, but your response was spot on and spoke directly to the heart of things. Thank you.
That you have paralleled what
That you have paralleled what we did with my GM to care for her and protect her resources in her late retirement years affirms our experiences and is a comfort in that you are all over it and your dad has you providing oversight and protecting him and his resources.
My other GM remarried when she was 70 a year after my other granddad passed. She married on her birthday. Her 2nd DH had been her fiance when she met my granddad. My granddad passed from complications due to alzheimers. GM and her 2nd DH were able to manage their finances. She passed a month after her 90th B-day, and he passed 6mos later at 96. His assets went to his daughter, GM's went to mom mom and my aunt. They, GM and her DH, lived in my GP's home. When GM passed, my StepGrandDad remained in the home he had lived in for 20yrs with my GM. GM and her second DH had a good marriage and we all cared very much for her 2nd DH. My GM's brothers all treated him as their brother. Some of the "discussions" he and my Great Uncles would have were incredibly entertaining. They bugged the crap out of each other, teased each other, etc...
Elder care and managing their quality of life and finances can be a challenge.
Your dad is lucky to have you protecting him. and his interests.
How kind of you!
It does indeed present challenges, but after a lifetime of protecting and raising me ( no easy task) he is entitled. A marine who fought in Korea, a widower when mom died, helped me as a single mom raise my kids who turned out very successful as a teacher, district mgr for large retail operations, a global client service mgr for large tech agency, and an air force veteran who teaches flying and is a successful entrepreneur. They all love him madly. Hard to watch but my faith will help us thru. Many thanks for the support. God bless
Ahhh, you are a Marine Corps
Ahhh, you are a Marine Corps Brat!
Me too. Born on base at 29 Palms.
Having the love and support of a parent like your father is a game changer. For you, and for your kids.
I completely understand how you feel about your dad. I feel the same way about my parents.
Tis true
From one marine brat to another siemper fi!
My uncle had a similar
My uncle had a similar situation, though without the loser son. By the time my cousin was able to get him out, this woman, can't remember if they were married, had control of all his money and property and uncle was half dead, covered in sores, dehydrated and malnourished. He only lasted a few months. I think you should report these losers over and over. Your father doesn't have to know it was you. You will never get her out, but you might be able to save your dad.
Yes
I keep a close eye on things and elder abuse charges are not off the table. Your poor uncle, what makes some people so greedy and selfish is beyond me.
Here's a thought...
If the son does move back in, can you talk to the neighbours and get them to call you when they see suspicious comings and goings? That way you can call the cops immediately and have him hauled away. Make sure they understand that your father is unaware of what's going on.
Yes
They are aware. It has happened in the past. Good observation. Thank you
Very sad
The best thing you can do is offer to help your SM. She has been with your dad for 30 years. She deserves to see you put in a effort as she is also dealing with her unhealthy son as well. Im sure she is beyond exhausted. Obviously your dads "companion" is more than that to your dad. This woman is caring and loving your dad for so many years...or do you not see it that way?
Sad that she is enabling her son. Thats alot. She probably has hit her limit having to deal with a SO and an unhealthy son.
The more you do to help would probably help her make better decisions.
Best of luck. The son needs to go, but your dads SO needs support.
Blessings
Ugh
The way I see it, after 30 years, if she cared for my dad all he has done for them she would tell her son to get it together. I don't care to watch my aging father get his car taken, drugs sold out of his garage, police knocking down his door and all she has to do is cry and her little darling is let back in. I understand she might be exhausted, and I do pray for her, but at some point she has to cut the umbilical cord and think of her partner. She has two other children that are successful and they could support her, but she doesn't want to get them involved. So I'm suppose to pick up the slack?? What makes them so special? I am doing all I can to support my dad, any goodies that go along with that she benefits from. She has never worked a day in her life, while enjoying all the work of my dad and deceased mother. Trying not to be wicked, but enough is enough. I appreciate your heart tho, and am thankful for your comment that I can try to remember in my dealings with her. God bless
Can you go stay at your dads?
Can you go stay at your dads?
Go back and forth---few days at dads than back to your place.
Who is managing your dads finances? Writing checks, paying bills?
Does Dad live in a common law state?