COVID Update
I am so mad right now. So BM ended up coming over and doing an at home test for SD at her car in front of our house. Then she wanted to talk to my husband outside. I didn't think it was a good idea and I said so, but he decided to go out anyway. I said, please don't let her on the property. He said okay. She has done really rude, nasty, disrespectful things to me, said rude things about our 4 year old, been rude to my husband for SDs entire life.
I look out the window and see that she is standing right off our porch, on the property. Like, wtf. So when he comes back inside I asked him why he didn't ask her to move off our property and he said he was keeping things amicable between them since she wasn't being rude. Ohhhh...so you'd rather piss your wife off than your BM? Sounds good. He of course said that I was twisting his words around, but I really don't think so. I let him know that since he felt that way I didn't feel it was necessary for me to continue to help him with SD and her transportation to and from school. He and BM can work that out between the two of them. Then he started with some oh, so I have to do everything you say? No, you can do what you want, but I'll act accordingly and do what I want as well.
And of course, SD tested positive so she's going to be here even longer and since I have covid I can't leave or go anywhere. I'm so annoyed.
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I do not have a BM issue
I do not have a BM issue (well not like yours) but I swear I could see my DH doing the same thing! God forbid they piss off their ex. And the BS excuse he sometimes says kills me " I do it for SD's benefit"
Oh yes, he said that too!
Oh yes, he said that too! That SD was standing there and he didn't want to do anything in front of her. Um, why is it your job to try to manage BMs behavior? If she gets pissed because she's asked to not be on our property that's her problem! Im sure some people might think im being crazy but this woman has been so terrible over the years. Not all that long ago she called our DD ugly. Our DD is only 4 years old, what kind of adult treats a child that way??
Leave it to a HCBM to use
Leave it to a HCBM to use your family's illness as a way to start drama. No reason she couldn't have just texted DH whatever she needed to say from the car (who chooses to have an unnecessary in-person conversation with a covid positive person ?). Now she will probably test positive and then blame you two.
Hope you guys feel better soon.
There was not one thing said
There was not one thing said that couldn't have been a text, email, or phone call.
thank you! We are both feeling pretty good. I'm sure we have the omicron variant and it seems to be mild for most people thankfully.
I've had these exact fights
I've had these exact fights with SO (not so much anymore but they still happen) and it is beyond frustrating. For m..it's still that longer hold they have because "they are behaving" so we should let our boundaries down. Nope F that IMO.
I agree with Tog and watch BM test positive and blame you guys.. See what your DH will say then if this comes up.
It's so frustrating. I'm just
It's so frustrating. I'm just feeling like my DH is just pouncing on her little nuggets of decency. As far as I'm concerned she's done enough terrible things to all of us that she doesn't deserve a benefit of the doubt and should always be treated as high conflict which means limiting contact in all ways. Im sure she's got some kind of trick up her sleeve.
my husband routinely asks for my input about things with BM. the next time that happens I'm just going to shrug my shoulders and say I don't know.
I think the most frustrating
I think the most frustrating part of being the "2nd wife" is the lengths that men will go through to keep BM's happy and we are just expected to deal with it because it's "For the kids".
On one hand, it is sooooo much easier when the parents can play nice. I don't know what we would have done had it been SS in the hospital and DH had to deal with BM and it wasn't me and my exH. Looking around that room, my mind would wander into all the what-if's. I could see how easily I could have taken over and removed exH and made things impossible for him. It wouldn't have been hard. I'm the MoThEr after all.
Working together is so much easier though. No, we don't "like" each other anymore, but we do respect each other. That goes for both of us. When decisions had to be made we talked about it. We found middle grounds where we disagreed and were open to what the other was saying. For some decisions we even had a group chat where DH and SM were part of it.
Playing nice only works if BOTH parties are going to play. BM can't come around demanding, being a B**ch and then have a nice chat on the porch. Disrespect is met with disrespect. However, kindness and compassion can be met with the same. I think that is what your DH is missing.
What BM should be saying TO YOU is: Thank you so much for taking care of her. I feel helpless. What can I do to make things easier for you? Can I have a couple of dinner's delivered for you? Please let me know if you need anything and I will do porch drop off's for you. --- THAT is a conversation that can change the dynamics and start to allow things like front porch chats and kindness and understanding reciprocated.
When I first met DH, he and
When I first met DH, he and BM were still doing some family birthday and Christmas rituals "for SS". DH wanted to have a positive relationship with her, and that was my goal too.
Welp, that quickly went straight to hell when BM found out DH wasn't coming back to her and was with me. Then she started being a royal bitch and DH no longer wanted to even try to play nice with her. I'm glad he's not the type to keep eating shit sandwiches just to "get along" for "SS's sake".
Normal people can co-parent with someone they don't like because they both have the same goal - raise healthy kids. High conflict personality disordered people aren't capable of that. While it doesn't pay to be just as rude and high conflict as they are, you also don't have to lay down and take it "for the kid's sake".
Yes, that's where I am with
Yes, that's where I am with the whole situation. DH could have very easily said to BM due to your past behavior I am not interested in an in person conversation with you but you are welcome to call or message me what you need to discuss. They actually aren't even supposed to have phone conversations. It's court ordered that all communications go through OFW. Phone calls are permitted only in case of an emergency which this definitely wasn't.
I told my husband I lost some respect for him after he decided to just go talk to BM since she requested it. He was like why can't you respect that I did the best thing for SD? I said I would respect you more if you didn't let someone like her treat you like dirt one day and then cater to her the next. And I'd respect you more if after your wife asked you not to allow her on your property you respected her boundary.
Yeah, my issue would have
Yeah, my issue would have been less with him talking to her (that's a "you do you, but don't complain about it later" situation to me) and more letting her onto the property. If he wants to talk to her, his COVID-sick rear end can walk out to the street. If he doesn't want to do that, then I guess it's really not that important to talk to her face-to-face.
I deal with the "it's just easier" mentality, and I've hit a point where I just don't hold back when I'm frustrated by it. I also don't help with the consequences. I have a higher tolerance for putting up with sh*t sandwiches, though, so I understand that some folks draw the line way sooner than I do.
I told him that I'm done
I told him that I'm done helping him with SD. I've been dropping her at school and picking her up. This was after he waited outside BMs house for 30 minutes for SD to come out. Apparently he enjoys BMs antics so he can just start doing that again and if he has to wait so be it. He thinks I'm taking things too far. Sorry, but if you can't respect my simple ask given all the things that I do to make your life better, then I won't be doing those things anymore and you can deal with the fallout.
I agree with you completely.
I agree with you completely. BM would never do anything nice like what you suggested she should be doing. Two days ago it was cussing my husband out, calling him a horrible father, etc. Then she decides to be nice for a snippet of a day out of 9 years and all is expected to be okay. She's never apologized for any of the BS she's done. That to me would be a start in the right direction. I feel like all my husband did yesterday was show her that she can treat him however and then if she decides to act like a decent human being for a nano second he will just do whatever it is that she wants.