No worries. I won't stress you out anymore.
DH and I have been fighting a lot lately. The day after I went to the ER he decided he wanted to talk about a previous fight where I said some things that I probably shouldn't have said out of anger.
DH listed all of the stuff that has been stressing him out.
1.) He feels like he's walking on egg shells around me.
2.) He never lets SS sit in his lap anymore for fear that it will upset me.
3.) He doesn't feel like he spends quality time with his kids because it will upset me.
Okay...deep breaths here. All of his stress is complete crap. We'll start with number two. SS is constantly sitting in his lap. If DH is up and sitting in his recliner that's where you'll find SS. The only time that I ever get upset about it is when he's done it the entire day and hasn't even made an effort to spend any time with me.
Number three. I'm the reason why he doesn't spend any quality time with his kids? Please. I'm the one that's told him constantly to take one kid out one day on the weekend and do something with them and the other kid out the next. I've done nothing but encourage him to bond with his kids. Now I will get p!ssed off if he's falling asleep in his son's bed all of the time like he used to or how he used to let his son climb into bed with us all of the time and then he would roll over and spoon him all night or when his kids would be up every two seconds for hugs for hours after they were supposed to go to bed. There is a difference between quality time and spending every waking and none waking second with your kids. The only thing that I have ever asked of him is to find a balance so that I can be included in his life too.
Number one. Now that's a funny one. Walking on egg shells. Let's see. We have been talking about having a child together, which is now no longer going to happen, and he made a comment to me the other day about how we need to get back to where we used to be and that you don't have a child to fix things. EXCUSE ME DH!!! Did you just tell ME that you don't have a child to fix things? Because last time I checked the only reason why SS is here is because you and BM were trying to fix things, which is one of the main reasons we can't have a child together, and how well did that work for you??? You want to talk about the pot calling the kettle black. So yeah, when you say stupid sh!t, I'm going to get p!ssed. It's not walking on egg shells. It's thinking about what you say or do before you do it.
When I made a comment the day after I got out of the hospital because I walked in from work and he was in p!ssy freak out mode slamming stuff around, b!tching, and yelling at his kids about how I started to have heart problems again after dealing with all of that, he made the comment again about how he has to walk on egg shells around me.
So.....DH. I stress you out? It's all me? I'm the reason why you don't spend time with your kids? It's always like walking on egg shells around me? That's fine. Effing have your time with your kids. All you want. Go ahead. I won't get mad when you decide to sleep with SS everynight he's with you. But don't expect for one second to dare crawl in bed with me after they are gone. You want to sit with him all day while he's here? Fine, do it. I won't get mad anymore. But don't think for one second that I will just be standing there waiting my turn after they leave or go to bed. You want to cater to them all day to the point where you pass out at 7:45 and I end up putting them to bed. Fine. I won't get mad anymore since apparently that makes you feel like you're walking on egg shells around me. Do it. But don't expect me to be there to spend quality time with you the following week because your kids aren't with you and you are now ready to spend time with me. I am not a place holder to take up the empty time and space that you have every other week until your family returns.
You want to bitch about how much stress I cause you? The only thing that I have ever asked for was for you to find a balance and apparently that causes you to stress out. Oh, and to actually parent your children. Regardless it's an easy fix for me. I will just remove myself from the picture competely until you can figure it out on your own because I'm tired of fighting over the same stupid crap every week. And don't even get me started on stress. What amazes me on his list of all the crap that I stress him out about is not once was my health mentioned. Apprently it's all about him and his kids. Woops. I better watch what I say. Wouldn't want to make you feel like you're walking on egg shells again.
Let's talk about the 6K worth of debt that you've put on the credit card in the last six months. Don't you remember how you've been telling me all the while that we need to pay our debts down before we can have another child? So why....as you were spending $1000.00 on month on crap we can't afford......were you turning around and talking about getting our debt paid off in a year? Then you tell me that you didn't spend it on yourself or your kids. Well you sure as hell weren't spending it on me or my BD so where the hell did all that money go? You've got nothing to show for it. You never freaking listen. I told you to work some overtime so that way you had money for the kids and their school clothes. Did you do it? Nope. It all went on the credit card. I told you that I had a seperate account that we were going to use for Christmas money and SD's BD money. Did you listen to me? Nope. Where did you put it? On the freaking credit card. And even if I gave you the money out of the seperate account to cover the costs for the Christmas gifts and B-day presents that you put on the credit card you wouldn't put it towards the balance owed.
God...I am freaking livid right now as you all can see. Am I the only one who has to deal with this crap? Does it really need to be this way? I just don't know what to say or do anymore. I am completely lost as to a solution to all of this. It's pointless to talk to DH about it. He either won't listen and do what he wants anyways or it'll stress him out because he feels like he's walking on egg shells.
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I am freaking so p!ssed right
I am freaking so p!ssed right now. I didn't talk to him last night and I don't intend to do so tonight. He can figure his crap out on his own. I am not a book mark there to hold the spot in yet another chapter of his life while he waits for his kids to come back. I am not meant to be cast aside while the pages are turned by him and his kids and then reused to mark the next spot until they return again.
Honestly...I would think you
Honestly...I would think you are over reacting to his relationship with his kids if he only got them every other weekend and they are young. BUT...since it is every other week....I am not sure how I would feel about that.
DH and his kid acted like your DH and skid. I just ignored it because I think if the father only sees the kid four days a month, then they might be pretty clingy with each other. (I know I would)
It has to be really annoying for that to happen half of the month. Sorry...I am no help. You should dis engage asap though.
It's not event he fact that
It's not event he fact that it happens. For the most part I really don't care if SS sits with DH. It's when it's all freaking day long and DH makes not attempts to reach out to me and then it's get thrown in my face that I'm stressing him out.
I have encouraged DH to spend time with his kids. To take them out one at a time to do things with SD at home that she would love to do. Does he do it? Nope. But then I get blammed for him not doing it because I would get upset and apparently I'm stressing him out.
It's not my fault that he chooses to not listen to me about spending quality time with his kids, but some how it makes it my fault. I guess it's easier to put the blame on someone else then to realize that it's your fault.
Sounds like spin and project.
Sounds like spin and project. As long as he can do it, he is never held accountable for his OWN actions.
I'm really sorry you deal
I'm really sorry you deal with this! Men are stupid, I'm serious. They dont know their ass from a hole in the ground.
sueu2, I am not attacking
sueu2,
I am not attacking what you said as I am sure there are a lot of truths to it. But here is my respnonse:
1. The first thing I want to say is I don't understand why it is when people have all these problems and frustrations, they don't seek help and go to marriage counseling.
- We already have.
2. Consider how many times you (stated and) feel your husband doesn't listen to you. Well, he feels the same way and so do I. I feel that way because you disputed every one of his complaints. It doesn't matter if he is wrong and you are right. What matters is that is the way he feels. That is the impression you gave him, and none of it is his imagination. You are basically telling him that either he is a liar or he's schizophrenic because all his complaints and the events that resulted in complaints only took place in his head. How would you feel if he said you only imagined everything you say? How would you feel if he said you are lying about the things he does that upsets you and hurts your feelings?
- He usually never listens to me and he usually always disregards how I feel.
2 1/2. Another thing about men is they do not listen to words. As you have found out and are complaining about, your words, your fussing, your requests, your suggestions, and your complaints are largely ignored. Men respond to actions. It's just the way they are wired. Therefore, you have to find ways to get him to do better - be a better husband to you, a better father to his children, and better with his finances.
- I've tried this. Actions mean nothing when you have someone who is on a completely different ship then you are.
2 3/4. The best thing for you to do is stop thinking you can dictate the best way for him. Stop complaining that he has his son on his lap all day. So what. He's his son, and that is what he wants to do. Stop telling him when, how, and which kid to spend time with.
- I don't dictate what he should do with his kids or when he should do them. I make suggestions as to what the kids would love because he can't figure it out himself. He has the ultimate choice on whether or not he's going to do something about it. But I will sure as hell not be blamed for his choice to not do anything.
You generalize about men. Not all of them are the same. I get my ass jumped all of the time by him because we sat down together and created a list of household rules and the appropriate punishment for breaking said rules. Now keep in mind we did this together. Now DH won't enforce any of the rules and when I catch kids doing it I enforce them. If it happens to be one of his kids that's getting in trouble I get punished by him even though it was his choice to let them slide all day. If I were to allow my BD to slide on a rule he would jump my a$$ so quick it would make your head spin. You see, there is an unfair balance going on in the house. When his kids are there it's his family and then mine. When his kids are gone then I become family. I'm sorry but that type of relationship doesn't work for me. This is not how I imagined my first marriage to be.
That is a good question
That is a good question Ripley. Why do I stay? I'll have to put some thought into that question.
And don't even get me started
And don't even get me started on the, "you don't have a child to fix things" comment. Do I really look that stupid DH? I just don't go around popping kids out just fix things. The only people that I know that think like that are you and you stupid a$$ ex wife. Don't even put that sh!t on me.
It sounds super passive
It sounds super passive aggressive to say you can't have a kid until you get out of debt, and then to charge up 6k.
I know that everybody on these boards jumps really quickly to "leave!" but....when was the last time you were truly happy in this relationship?
That is a very good question
That is a very good question and one that I can't answer unfortunately. And I would have to agree with you that what he's doing does sounds like being passive agressive and not only is he telling me this he's talking about adding an additional floor onto the up stairs so that we'll have room. He's even gone as far as to get quotes from contractors for the work required to do so all while he's been racking the debt up. Plus he's been up my butt everyday about getting a new job so that we can pay our debts down. Well DH, I hate to break it to you but there are not jobs out there that are going to pay me an additional $1000.00 a month just so I can keep up with your spending habit. Regardless, how exactly does he expect any of this to happen when he's racking up debt left and right?
vickmeister, I could't agree
vickmeister,
I could't agree with you more and that's what I had already planned on doing. I'm tired of fighting the same fight for the same reasons. What's the point. Nothing ever gets resolved. If he wants to do whatever he wants to do and doesn't care how any of it affects me then fine. But don't expect me to be just standing there waiting with arms wide open and a giant smile on my face when it comes time for me to be the filler in his life. I am not a second hand citizen and will not be treated as such. And in a way this should benifit the both of us because I will no longer be stressing him out anymore.
On a side not just to give you all an idea of how I get treated by DH when it comes to his kids:
I created an idea for a positive reinforcement incentive. I created family dollars that the kids can earn by going above and beyond. Every Sunday they can pick from multiple items that I got from the dollar store depending on if they have enough to pay for it. The last time they got to pick SD chose the spongebob yoyo. Now we all know that dollar store toys are cheap so it broke pretty much right out of the package. Well DH was in a bad mood that day so I got the, you not stop buying them toys that are so cheap or they won't want to do this anymore. You know DH probably had a valid point but why be a jerk about it and why not help and go and get some better toys if the ones that I bought are so cheap. He seemed to have no problem when my BD picked the plastic ball shooting gun and it broke. The only reason why it bothered him at all was that I had purchased another one, which apparenlty SS wanted but I didn't know so I gave her that one, so I gave that one to her. I ended up having to sell SS one of the high dollar items instead of something he could afford with what he had earned because DH was upset that he didn't get the other gun.
Then recently with the Christmas shopping, I found SD the one toy that I know she will just freak out about. Unfortunately it would cost us half her Christmas money but I really wanted to see the look on her face when she saw it so DH and I discussed spending a little more on her so that the presents would be equal. Well a little more was close to a hundred dollars. Then of course SS got two smaller items that DH would rather use as stocking stuffers so that meant we needed to get him a couple of more presents too. So we went over by about $30 to $40 dollars for him. If I asked DH to go over for my BD he would have a sh!t fit, freak out, and it would turn into a big fight.
I already went over the rule enforcement thing earlier where he won't enforce rules with his kids and when I do he freaks out and acts like I have it out for them because he let them slide all day. But you should see him jump my a$$ if I let my BD slide on anything.
The most recent thing that has annoyed me is the stupid chocolate Christmas countdown calendar that I bought the kids for Christmas. Without my knowledge DH makes the decision as to how the order is going to go. Of course SS goes first, then SD, and then my BD. Sounds fair right? Why is it that my BD always has to go last? Why is it fair because his kids are only with us half the time that enables them to go first at everything. I flat out told him that it's not going to go in that order that we'll draw names and the order that they are drawn in will be the order that the kids go in just to make it fair. I know it seems petty, but it's gotten to the point where something like this pisses me off because it's not an isolated incident.
Put the relationship aside.
Put the relationship aside. Does your DD deserve to be put on the back burner like this? Does she deserve to have a mom who is sick from stress? Maybe if you put yourself in her shoes, you'll see things for how they are- which is terrible. It's like you and DD are 2nd class citizens. Do you want her to think that's ok?