I just want somewhere in the middle
I felt like I was being tested yesterday. SO and I had another conversation about SS14, he had yet another talk with him about his behavior. As always it leads to a conversation about how SS effects our relationship, how I feel like I am in limbo while SS gets his act together and I need to know where I stand. I also was able to share more experiences with SS that are inappropriate and downright weird/creepy. We have had him full time since 11/30/12.
Then SO said, "if you want me to send me back to his mom, I will. You are too important to me and I won’t lose you over him."
I didn’t know what to say. It was the first time he didn’t just react by saying "he is my son and I won’t abandon him".
The only thing I could think of was, "well, we don’t need to go from one extreme to the other, what about somewhere in between." and that was the end of the conversation.
I feel like I am in a good place to negotiate. All I want is for these bio parents to follow the court order, EOW and splitting up the week nights. It’s something and I just want a night off once in a while. The lack of privacy is killing me.
Then again, I feel like it’s not my place to issue a demand that effects a kid that isn’t mine but yet effects my relationship in a major way every single day.
This kid has issues, real, deep and major issues that will take years to sort out. I think it’s only fair for the burden to be divided up between the two parents and not just left to me and my SO. Even though SS wants to stay with us full time and doesn’t want to go back to his mom. I’m so sick of him calling the shots and everyone else walking on egg shells.
I anticipate a follow up conversation soon, any suggestions?
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wow have you thought about
wow have you thought about the fact that he could just be calling your bluff?
That’s the deal, there was no
That’s the deal, there was no bluff. I have never threatened to leave, at most we discuss how our relationship is effected by his son's problems and stress it puts on us. Our conversation was civil and open. At the end, he even mentioned how happy he was we had the conversation. I would never ask him to chose me over his son or give him an ultimatum. I am secure enough with myself and my relationship where if it wasn’t working for me, I would leave. That’s why I’m not sure how to respond.
I completely understand where
I completely understand where you're coming from. I also had a troubled 14 year old stepchild move in full time. It was SD's choice to move in, and she then did EOW and one night with her mother in a reversal of the previous schedule. I started out full of optimism and commitment and ended up nearly falling apart with the stress, and it took a huge toll on my relationship with DH. It was difficult to adjust to having another child in the house, let alone one with serious issues and who was a frequent cause of stress and concern. I didn't feel I had the option of pushing for a better balance of time between BM and us, because SD seemed against it, and BM has serious problems with alcohol. I was also suffering from a kind of hero complex where I thought I could make things right, and it meant a lot to DH to have one of his children choose to live with him.
You are absolutely right to push for a fairer distribution of time, otherwise you are very likely to suffer from burn out, and that won't help anyone. In my experience the child's relationship with the parent they refuse to live with can be an important part of the problem, and they and the parents have to confront that and deal with it. They also need more boundaries and co-parenting rather than being left to call the shots.
Ah, you totally get it. It is
Ah, you totally get it. It is SS that is resistant to staying with BM and calling all the shots. If he runs away again from BM (twice in the last year) he will be in serious legal trouble so eveyrone walks on eggshells. I agree, boundaries, co-parenting and dealing with the issues are so important and all around healthier. I know if the visitation was more even, I would be so much happier.
The reason why SS doesnt want
The reason why SS doesnt want to be with BM is because he doesnt like her BF and she wont break up with him. Granted, there may have been some aggressive behavior coming from the BF. I wouldnt say abusive but aggressive towards BM so SS doesnt like him but BM wont get out of the relationship. SS takes it too far, he checks her cellphone when she is asleep and if he sees any evidence that she is in communication with BF, then flips out. There was a child abuse investigation and nothing was found to be abusive but it is part of the reason for his emotional disturbance diagnosis at school. SS is also autistic but that is more of a nuerological issue. He hasnt been in a regular school since January, goes to a private teacher one hour a day so thats the only time he his out of the house (because he is too disruptive for a normal classroom). He has no friends, part of the symptoms of his autism is the inability for age appropriate social skills. These are part of the stressors I speak of, not your run of the mill step child issues I would say.
I did help facilitate SO getting him into a special school but he has no start date as of yet. I anticipate when he starts his special school things will get better. Im hoping.
SO is great about making sure we get our own time and we really do but its still very stressful to deal with him. The grandparents are a huge help but we try to limit it as to not burn them out. SS brings out the worst in everyone, not on purpose but just because he is so hard to deal with.