In Laws.....
Tomorrow is my anniversary. DH and I have been married a year. Our wedding was not the 'traditional' type with cake and gifts and bad food....we were married on the beach in Antigua, just us. We decided that our entire lives were going to be about our children, and we wanted one week to be about us. SO...when we got married, everyone knew. We didn't keep it a secret, we told everyone, and explained that we wanted a private wedding. We didn't expect much at all in the way of gifts, but I would have thought a card, at least was in order. We never got a card from my in laws, never even got so much as a congratulations. The same upper middle class people that to this day email BM with updates on the family, but not DH, and include her in EVERY family function, just having us arrive two hours after her so she can leave before we get there. So today I ask DH, do you think they will send us an anniversary card (again these are the people that PAID for DH and his ex's honeymoon to Ireland and would give them an outrageous anniversary gift every year) he said, uh, good luck with that. I just got an email from FIL wishing us a happy anniversary. I am so angry I could spit. These are the same frekin people who when my SIL was visiting from out of town invited the ex out to breakfast with SIL and her family along with sks and did not invite me, DH or my kids. These people disrespect me and my DH's choice to be with me and make a new family at every turn. I mean at least man up and say you don't like me or my kids, and stop pretending.....UGH!!!!!!
PS~We stopped attending said family functions....DH let them know that when they can respect me and our marriage then maybe we will begin to attend. That was over six months ago and they still invite her everywhere, drive her to the airport when she travels, watch the kids WHENEVER she calls, will go to the pharmacy in the middle of the night to get pedilyte whenever one of the sks is sick.....ect, you would think SHE was their child not DH.
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Wow TTP that is just awful.
Wow TTP that is just awful. I can't even think about how that must feel. The good thing is that DH completely backs you up on this. To me that is the most important thing of all, though I know the way his family acts must sting.
My DH and I eloped as it was
My DH and I eloped as it was neither of our first marriages and not a sole knew but us. It was VERY special and we heard some "criticism" when we returned but it was OUR choice and marrige. My family was very happy and threw us a small initmate celebration crab feast. His family did nothing. No cards, a few congratulations and that was it. I expected that though and its not worth my headache. My MIL is still BFF's with the BM and spends holidays and such with her. We dont talk to MIL for that reason. We expected her to be cordial with BM, but not BFF's. Cut your contact, as hard as it is, people like that are not worth having in your life. There is a reason your DH and BM are not together and his family should accept and move on. If you make DH happy, than thats all his family should be concerned with. My family sees how happy my DH makes me, they were nervous b/c of his sons, but they saw the love between us and said its my life and choice. I know its much easier said than done, but we've lived this and ours lives are much more stress-free without a backstabbing MIL in the picture!
PS~We stopped attending said
PS~We stopped attending said family functions....DH let them know that when they can respect me and our marriage then maybe we will begin to attend. That was over six months ago and they still invite her everywhere, drive her to the airport when she travels, watch the kids WHENEVER she calls, will go to the pharmacy in the middle of the night to get pedilyte whenever one of the sks is sick.....ect, you would think SHE was their child not DH
------------------> Good for your DH!! (Stands up and **applauses**)
I think that was wonderful of him to do, that truly shows his respect for you and your marriage, even if the InLaws don't show the same.
Why did your DH and his ex divorce?
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“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
It was an unhappy
It was an unhappy marriage....on multiple levels. Then he met me....and we just fell in love.
So he met you, then divorced
So he met you, then divorced ex?
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“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
So if he left her for you, I
So if he left her for you, I don't mean to be harsh, but you're always going to be the OW, no matter what. You probably just might as well get used to it.
Yes. We didn't cheat and
Yes. We didn't cheat and kept the relationship on the DL for a few months.
I understand that you guys
I understand that you guys didn't cheat, but the emotional affair was the cause of the break up of the marriage. I'm in no position to judge anyone, but I think this is why your InLaws are having a difficult time embracing you, and I'm not sure if that will change.
___________________________________________________________________________
“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
Oh I have no doubt that it
Oh I have no doubt that it is. But I also know that DH is THEIR son not his ex wife, and that MY family was equally as shocked, but quickly remembered that I am thier family and my happiness takes priorty over their personal feelings. At this point a year (plus) has gone by and BM is involved (seriously) with a new guy. So at what point is that excuse no longer valid? I bought it for a while, but at this point I'm done with it.
My mother passed away from
My mother passed away from pancreatic cancer, 3 years in January. I was just old enough to realize and value the opinion and wise advice of a mother's love, but realized I wouldn't have that. I would have to reach out to friends, who might be just as confused as I was about advice in regards to relationship issues, children issues, etc., and/or reach out to complete strangers, (some of which have become very close to me) on a message board, but it still doesn't take the place of that of my mom. The closest thing that I have to a mother is my Ex MIL. I will always consider her as a mother figure in my life, and she has told me that I will always be her daughter. I divorced her son b/c of his lifestyle, how he treated me, and what he was doing to the kids. I have no doubt that my Ex MIL would invite me to family functions/holidays, vacations, or whatever else. I am the mother of her grandchildren, I'm her friend, AND I'm her DAUGHTER. Nobody will come between that, I don't care WHO married Ex. I can however respect a relationship with Ex MIL and whoever if Ex decides to marry again, but I will not bow out of my relationship with my EX MIL because my Ex decides to remarry. Ex MIL and I have history, I am the children's mother, Ex MIL is another mother to me, I highly doubt anyone is going to replace that, and that's even with Ex not marrying a woman whom he had an affair with.
___________________________________________________________________________
“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
What person in their right
What person in their right mind would even attempt to replace that? All I have EVER asked for is respect for the fact that I am thier son's wife and a step mother (and a damn good one at that) to their grandchildren. Anything beyond that would be gravy. BTW, my ex MIL and I are very close, she will always be my MIL. She, however has found a way to respect my es's new wife and still respect me as the mother of her grandchildren.
I'm not saying that you
I'm not saying that you don't deserve respect, but atleast understand that how you and DH's relationship began is the cause of their feelings. A year is not a very long time to be married, it may never be the type of relationship you would like to have with a MIL/FIL, but given some time, it could be atleast an amicable one.
Also, do you think it's possible that MIL and FIL invited Ex 2 hours earlier out of respect for you and your DH? Would you have rather them invite her and her have been there at the same time? Maybe you didn't get a warm congratulation card for your wedding, but it appears to me that FIL is atleast taking a step by emailing to say Happy Anniversary.
___________________________________________________________________________
“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
Honestly, I would have been
Honestly, I would have been good being there with her....we get along well, soccer games, phone calls about homework and sleepless nigths (kids), school functions, she even invited me (not DH) to a professional football game with her and sks (I was all for it, DH not so much). They honestly have never asked us how we feel about it. I do think, at times, my FIL would be much warmer and welcoming if it weren't for MIL, she struggles.
That is really great that
That is really great that you and Ex can get along, FIL seems to be following, maybe a little slower, but at his own pace. MIL, she's a woman, women are driven by emotion...she will probably need a little more time. Try not to get discouraged, and if MIL never gets to the point of being respectful, then atleast you had your DH stand up for you and the relationship. Some don't even do that.
___________________________________________________________________________
“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
How conservative or
How conservative or religious are the in-laws? If they are all righteous in their beliefs that excuse could be valid to them forever.
You've got a tough row to hoe. I'm sure that's tough not being allowed to be a part of his family. I commend your husband for sticking by you and not trying to force you on them by attending all those events BM is invited to.
The only thing you can do is live a happy life with your DH. Take the best care you can of each other and your children. Hopefully in time, they'll see he made the right choice.
They probably do that
They probably do that because they "feel bad for her". They are being driven by guilt, and who knows if she is totally playing on that guilt?
Rude crude and
Rude crude and unexcused!
TTP, I have the same situation. We eloped because we didn't need or want drama or a big wedding! Been there, done that. Two of SILs never acknowledged our marriage, one even turned her back on me in public. The 3rd, who had been our friend, picked a big fight with DH and we never got the little party my MIL (she loves me) was planning. No cards, no gifts--except from DH's wonderful uncle.
Yes, I met DH "near the end" of his divorce process but I had nothing to do with his miserable marriage ending. BM had a BF. She filed for divorce.
Since then I have endured many snubs and the sense that they don't "accept" me as his wife. Well, it's caused a real rift between DH and them--he cut them off for a while and is barely speaking to them. The latest is they paid for a ticket for him to visit SD and SS (we are very tight financially and were planning to go in a couple of months) and left me out entirely. It hurt for a few days but now I don't care. It's their loss, I am a great friend to anyone and they have miserable, depressed, narrow little lives. They don't do anything, have no interests, are stagnant. BM goes to every family event although both skids can drive. Why she wants to, I have no idea. The only thing missing is DH -- he's with me 1000 miles away!!
TTP, it's more about them and their issues than it is about you. It pushed their buttons that DH divorced BM and got a life, no doubt. They're punishing you both. It's none of their business!!! That's what happened here.
My family isn't perfect but we have always respected the right of our siblings to be married to whoever they want and we treat the spouses with respect.
I understand that when two
I understand that when two people divorce they usually don't ask their parents permission. When I divorced, I didn't care what my family thought; I did what I wanted, how I wanted. DH did the same.
Just because we divorce our spouse, we don't necessarily divorce the family. We are allowed, if possible, to remain friends or on friendly terms with the ex's family.
Here's my situation:
Last March I met DH's parents for the first time. His dad hugged me when he saw me and his mom didn't really know what to think/do, so I just smiled and shook her hand. The first encounter went pretty well and I felt comfortable to meet his sister and her family, who were visiting from Japan.... it totally sucked.
BM was at his parents house the day before and left about an hour before we arrived at their house. There was so much tension it was horrible.
Granted, given the circumstances, I didn't expect some of the family to accept me. However, we don't have to agree with who are children love, but we should accept who they're with.
I have no problem with BM still being cozy with DH's family; they're still her family too. What I do have a problem with is them allowing her to vent about DH and I. DH's family needs to say, "BM, I know that you're still upset by what happened, but DH is our son and maybe you should be saying these things to a close friend or a counselor. I'm your friend, but I'm also his mom/sister/brother/dad.".... That is all I ask for from them.
DH and I eloped in Vegas last year. His parents were upset that we didn't get married in the Roman Catholic Church, but so what. I was married by a priest once and I don't think it made a difference. They seemed shocked that somebody like me who has standards would allow myself to be married by the Clark County Justice of the Peace. This past September was our 1 yr wedding anniversery and his parents sent us a card. It was nice to know that in some way they were trying to make peace and move on from the past.
They haven't fully recovered from the "trauma" DH put them through by divorcing BM. Of course, there are two sides to every story and thankfully my family saw a lot of what my ex did and how he was so they understood a little. However, BM is perfect in their eyes and it will probably always be that way. I really don't care b/c I don't seek their approval.
Just always remember that the BM's had a life with the DH's before us and it probably included his family. We can't choose who they're friends with, and as long as they're not rude or disrespectful to us there isn't much you can do.
"I aint no Carol Brady"
I do better with that than
I do better with that than DH does. I believe that his ex has a right to a relationship with the in laws. They were close for a long time and just because he divorced her, that doesn't mean they should treat her as persona non grata. But I think where they are falling down is an inability to respect me as their daughter in law and the step mother of their children, they also have an inablility to be happy that their son is happy. Even if they don't like me or my children, why can't these people accept the fact that their son is remarried and happy and why can't they respect his decisions? At first I honeslty thought that they thought he was going to abandon the kids. We have proved that to be untrue. So why does it persist?
Why? Because they want to
Why? Because they want to find fault. They are not looking to find a way to build bridges, they want to sit in judgement and continue to make DH pay for what they see as his transgression. They were honestly afraid that he would abandon his children? Who started that vicious rumor? Hmmm. Could it be BM? My DH was slandered up and down, it's the old seeking approval trap where you feel like you have to defend yourself because they act like something is inherently wrong with you and your marriage. BS.
Find out more about the family dynamics. I doubt you are the first person they have mistreated and I bet others in the family have experienced their wrath when they stepped out of line. It's about control, a closed family group, as stepaside once said.