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SS might end up with us FT and I'm terrified

TrueNorth77's picture

Submitted by TrueNorth77 on Mon, 01/08/2024 - 3:23pm

So earlier this week I posted about all of the Crazying Crazy was doing, and one night this week DH and SD were sleeping and SS17 just kind of unloaded to me about Crazy and how insane she is, unprompted. He usually doesn't say much about her so I was surprised, but he genuinely thinks she is insane, and her actions are ridiculous. Here are the cliffnotes: 

-Crazy just broke up with her BF again, and she always goes off the deep end and takes it out on SS (she admitted this to him once). Their last breakup was days after Thanksgiving, after she had just gone to his family's. 

-After finding the stain on SS's sheets, she accused SS of getting his gf pregnant (SS is a virgin and they have only been together a few weeks), and of being "just like your dad", who is abusive, cheated on her and got women pregnant and paid for multiple abortions (DH has a vasectomy since SS was born). Crazy also told SS that DH is a Meth and cocaine addict. She has previously told skids that I do drugs and only passed a drug test by drinking cranberry juice, so I shouldn't be shocked. But DH does NOT do meth or coke and we don't even like weed. 

- She is making SS give back the Apple watch he got for xmas, plus the PS5 she gave him last year for xmas, and she says he is grounded until his bday in May. This is all for the stain on the sheets. 

-SS still had her blocked as of today, when they go back to her house. SS said if she is back with her bf she'll probably be fine, but if not, he'll probably be grounded and she will still be acting like this. He said he's not bringing his PS5 back over there because he doesn't trust that his older sister who is living with them won't steal it (he brings it here on our weeks) or that Crazy won't just give it to her, so I'm sure him leaving it here will go over well.... 

-SS bought DH a $20 gift card for Xmas, but decided to give him another gift instead, so he asked Crazy if she wanted to buy the gift card and she agreed. Except he forgot it at our house last time he was here and we were gone so he couldn't get it to give it to her. Apparently she had already given him the $20, so she kept texting him repeatedly asking where her $20 was and saying he was stealing from her and that she was going to take it out of his checking acct. Which she did. That's when he blocked her. Needless to say, we are going to get him an acct. that she does NOT have access to. 

-Crazy told SS that he is the reason she can't have a BF- her BF thinks SS doesn't like him so doesn't come over (false, SS is a very outgoing friendly kid and talks to the BF, he just isn't around much). This is her narrative and way to escape ownership- blame the kids. She has told SD this multiple times. I try not to speak poorly of their mom, but at this point I said, that is emotional abuse- she is blaming you because she doesn't want to take responsibility-You don't tell a kid that. 

-I told SS, Hang in there, you only have til Aug and then you leave for school, and he said "Well I turn 18 in May so I can decide then". I was like, oh yeah...., but my stomach did a little flip. And to be honest, he's in such a crappy situation with her that if he didn't want to stay there I wouldn't blame him, but I am terrified for what it means. DH and I always disagree about SS especially. SS is the golden child and DH is so lax with him. It means always having a kid here, after 8yrs of having breaks. It's really only for less than 3 months since SS will be going to college in Aug, but still. DH brought up the possibility of SS coming here FT in May this wknd. DH thinks there's a good chance of things just staying status quo because Crazy will calm down and buy him back, but who knows. He said he already told SS that if it does happen, there will be rules and curfew still and it's not a free for all. I told him I was honestly afraid because we always fight about SS, but I understand if he does come here. So we sat there and came up with ground rules in case it happens, and even wrote them down and signed it so we can't forget and argue about it later. We surprisingly agreed easily- SS will work as much as possible this summer, close to FT, and no "I can't get hours" excuses- if that's the case, you find a new job. You are 18 and need money for college. He will have increased chores, including taking out the trash and keeping the bathroom clean, neither of which he does now. And DH said that he shouldn't expect us to change our life because he is here- we will continue to do things and go camping and not just be home because an 18yr old is here. 

I hope Crazy gets her shit together and keeps it together until May so we can just keep things how they are and have a normal summer before SS goes to college. No need to change things up now!

Comments

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Submitted by 1st3rd5thWEInHell on Mon, 01/08/2024 - 4:54pm

Dont be stupid. He loves his mother despite how Crazy he might say she is. He is telling you this and that about her because she is grounding him and he wants to escape the consequences.

 

No matter how "crazy" you may think her disciplining or her acting is, dont fall in the trap of "saving" him. Once moved in, he will tell his mother how you and your DH are crazy and making him live a nightmare as well. Its called "TRIANGULATION" and steps with the types of parents that you are describing are experts at it

Dont open any accts or invest any money on his behalf. Let him deal with his mother for anything financial. Especially if child support is being paid.

Again....Do.Not.Be.Stupid.

This comes from a highly experienced place. All my SSs claim/have claimed that their BMs are "crazy" when things didnt go their way (and they are crazy indeed but not more than their own kids - cats dont make dogs) but somehow when my husband didnt go along with their desires, all of sudden the BMs were mothers of the year

1 year left before 18. Instead of thinking of moving him in, you guys should think about his launch plan - college?work?roommates?living with mom? 1 year left to decide and plan for the upcoming adult life waiting for him

Mominit's picture

Submitted by Mominit on Mon, 01/08/2024 - 6:34pm

My sk experience was the opposite. They finally decided they (each at about the same age) had enough of BM's house, My DH, who admitted to me that obviously he couldn't live with her, hence the divorce, couldn't blame them, so they moved in full time.  Our house had stricter rules and high expectations academically and in all areas of adulting (jobs, chores...).

They never turned back, and each grew to be wonderful, caring adults.

if Ss's BM really is crazy every time she breaks up with a boyfriend, he might be happy to spend his last 7 months before school starts in a calm home with sclera expectations .

TrueNorth77's picture

Submitted by TrueNorth77 on Mon, 01/08/2024 - 8:25pm

Just curious what your SK's relationships with their mom are like now? Nonexistent? 
 

I think If SS has a relationship with his mom after he goes to college it will be distant and only exist because he has distance between them and gets her in small doses.

Mominit's picture

Submitted by Mominit on Mon, 01/08/2024 - 8:43pm

Now that they're not making each other nuts, the relationship has improved. They see each other for all the big occasions (they see us too), and the occasional weekend visit (my sk's are grown now). When they first decided and let everyone know that they were done with the 50/50 DH gave them a few weeks to cool down, then let them know we expected them to try to maintain a relationship with their Mom. So they moved to eoweekend until they hit college age. Then they could do as they pleased. I think they try to see their mom once a month or so,

When the youngest was out of college for the summer they came here to live, though they could have gone to Mom if they wanted. So the relationship is mended, but still kept a bit at arms length it seems.

AlmostGone834's picture

Submitted by AlmostGone834 on Mon, 01/08/2024 - 7:14pm

I'm seeing this with LI. Her and the Skunk Ape have become very close due to recent events. I couldn't be happier. Let her deal with the dysfunction. I have also been very careful about saying anything negative about her to LI.

TrueNorth77's picture

Submitted by TrueNorth77 on Mon, 01/08/2024 - 8:09pm

Couple things on this: 

- 4 months left before he turns 18, he would only be living here 2-1/2 months if it happens. Full launch plan in place, he is going to college in Aug and will be working almost FT this summer. We talk about college and a launch plan ad-nauseum with him AND SD14, we are not having a failure to launch situation on my watch!

- Her disciplining him isn't what is really nuts- it's her making him give back his Xmas presents from the past 2yrs and her insane claims against DH. We know we don't get the complete details from SS and any fault of his is always left out of the story. But we also know BM is certifiable, and the things she says are legitimately crazy. She can discipline him til the cows come home, neither DH or myself will step in to save him (and SS has tried- he's asked to come here before when they've had issues, but upon further investigation we learned SS had a part in it, and you don't just get to run to the house where you aren't in trouble). So DH has told him no. In a few months, SS will be 18 and will actually have a say- tough to say no if this is what he really wants, he's not running from a punishment at the moment, and it's only for a few months...

It would actually be stupid if we didn't make SS get a different bank acct. and let Crazy handle that. Child Support for SS will end in summer (DH pays), and She doesn't contribute to him financially anyway, but DH will be providing a bit of assistance to SS while he is in college- books, etc. If she has access to SS's accounts, she will have access to any $ DH provides. Nope. SS will be the account holder, DH will have access so he can make sure SS is spending $ wisely and he's not just paying for fast food, and Crazy will have zero access since she provides nothing anyway. 

NeverEnough321's picture

Submitted by NeverEnough321 on Thu, 01/11/2024 - 12:10pm

Glad you have a plan! Just be careful. I'm always hesitant with big decisions because skids always run back to BM anyways, no matter how good our intentions are. 

NeverEnough321's picture

Submitted by NeverEnough321 on Thu, 01/11/2024 - 12:06pm

I agree completely with this. Earlier this year, my SS14 told SO that he was ready to move in with us and would do what it takes because BM was treating him unfairly, like a slave, and never let him do anything with his friends, made him do unreasonable work around the house, and bullied him. BM was and is still nuts, so we knew he wasn't making it up. As soon as SS got a gf and told BM that he would move in with us, BM love bombed him and he did a complete 180 and changed his mind. 

Now it's happening again and SO is just talking him through it. He asks what it will take to come live with us, but usually gives up on the idea after thinking about it because it sounds like a lot of work/stress/guilt on his part. We'll believe it when we see it. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 01/08/2024 - 6:20pm

As much as a nightmare as Crazy is, SS may just write her off once he ages out from under the CO.

SS-31 did. He wrote off the entire SpermClan.  It took some time for him to find his headspace on that, but... he knew that his life, his future, did not include them in the format they were in when he turned 18.  He graduated HS at 17 and turned 18 almost 3mos to the day later.

He returned to his mom and I the day after his 18th Bday.  He has had very little contact them since and not any contact in almost 10yrs.  They make no effort. He matches their effort.  

After turning 18 his only interface with them was when he was with us while visiting my ILs.  He would have us drop him off for a few hours with them one of the days we were in SpermLand.  Except for one flight he took to put his Spermidiot up a wall by his throat when Spermidiot spawn #3 was arrested for a gun violation at 16yo while trying to live up to the Spermidiot's gangbanger wannabe fantasies.  SS let him know that if any of his younger sibs were arrested again that SS would be back and the Spermidiot would rue the day.

They all made it to 18 without further arrests though the gun charge kid is now in prison for felony armed burglary.  SS arrived at the stance that once they are adults their choices are on them even if the shit that they are is due in large part to the Spermidiot.

SS is thriving.  May beyour SS will too.  The watch and the PS5 should stay at your home.  BM can F-off.

Take care of you.

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Mon, 01/08/2024 - 6:57pm

The positive in your situation is that SS is going away to school i n August.  Another positive is that he feels comfortable talking to you, venting.    I agree that underneath, he still loves BM but sometimes the situation just isnt working.  My 3 SKs began moving in, one at a time, for similar BM+ boyfriend issues.

I don't know what's right or wrong for you.  I will say that when YSS, at about 18, asked to move back with BM due to unhappiness here and was refused, he never forgot it and it hurt him.  I just learned that recently.

If you and DH are on the same page, it can work.  Good luck.

 

TrueNorth77's picture

Submitted by TrueNorth77 on Mon, 01/08/2024 - 8:20pm

I was happy that he felt comfortable talking to me about it. I think we could manage for a few months and I feel much better that DH and I drew up rules to address my concerns. Would the best case scenario be him not coming FT? Yep! But if it happens I think I could manage for a few months. I know it has to be hard living with her, she is bipolar and has anxiety and doesn't take meds...

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Submitted by ImperfectlyPerfect on Mon, 01/08/2024 - 7:37pm

I agree- don't offer any financial advice or take any action to help on the money front (IMHO.) I can hear it now, "Mommmeee, big bad stepmom is trying to control my moneyyyyy." My SKIDS came into a small fortune and all I wanted to do was help them learn to keep, save and invest however I realized very early on that my good intentions would be percieved as bad and there would be the boys who cried wolf to anyone who would listen. Trust me if someone (aka BM and relatives) wants to really believe something that is a lie, there's always an audience! So...I removed myself. It was the best thing I did, truly ! I wouldn't touch this with a 10 foot poll. 

EDIT: I see more coming through TrueNorth - if that's the case about the bank account and yuo have no other path then let DH do all of it. I would highly recommend you do not get involved. 

TrueNorth77's picture

Submitted by TrueNorth77 on Mon, 01/08/2024 - 8:23pm

I want no part of SS's accounts, I'm gonna nope right out of that one! DH can handle it, but I do think he needs to make sure SS gets a different acct solely so Crazy doesn't have access. He agrees 100%. Once she loses child support I honestly don't know what she would do and I would not put it past her to take $ from SS's acct if she has access. 

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Mon, 01/08/2024 - 8:33pm

Sounds like BM has money issues and is using any excuse to get money from her son. I wouldn't be surprised if the ps5 and watch will be sold to fund whatever crisis BM is really having. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Mon, 01/08/2024 - 10:03pm

1) At least your DH is consulting you first, and you and DH agree on ground rules. That is a plus. 
2) Does SS tend to exaggerate or play sides against the other? Are you sure you have the full story? Some of this sounds, well, "Crazy." 
3) It would be at most 3 months? Stick to that if it does happen. If SS is a decently behaved kid and if Crazy really is that bad, it may be for the best. As long as your boundaries are respected and there is an end date. 

TrueNorth77's picture

Submitted by TrueNorth77 on Mon, 01/08/2024 - 11:13pm

Any more than 3 months and this would be a very different conversation. But yes, barring any catastrophe, SS will be going to college (hopefully out of state!) in Aug. He has been accepted into many and is just waiting for a few more to make his decision. 
I was pleasantly surprised by DH consulting me and wanting to ensure we talked out rules. He can sometimes be a dictator when it comes to skids, so this shows even more growth. 
And SS doesn't necessarily play sides against each other, but he does leave out his fault in situations and makes himself a full victim. I give my DH kudos for never caving and allowing SS to run here when he's having issues with Crazy- DH knows better than anyone how unreasonable and legit nuts she is, and really it sucks that skids have to try to navigate that at all...but DH pushes the craziness aside and looks at if the punishment or basic things she's asking of SS are reasonable (to tell her where he's going, etc)...and if SS is in the wrong, he tells SS he needs to do what he's told, no matter if she's nuts. He can't just run here. So SS knows he doesn't win when he tries to play the faultless victim. In this case, I absolutely believe she said and did all of the things he said she did, because it's all things she's said on OFW or to the kids previously. It's just so insane that it actually sounds made up. Did SS probably leave out something he may have said or did to make things worse? Probably. But, it didn't change the outcome for him at least- he didn't get to run here, he's back at Crazy's today. The real difference is that he's closer to 18 now so he will get a choice soon, and it would be hard to say no when we know what kind of person she is...

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Tue, 01/09/2024 - 9:07am

Can take care of herself.  So he taking on the role of her protector