You are here

why do the skids idolize BM aka egg donor?!?

truebloodfreak's picture

Submitted by truebloodfreak on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 12:04pm

I so confused. I really don't understand why my stepsons idolize their BM. They haven't seen her in over a year, she clearly has made her choices in life and.it doesn't include.them. if my own mother abandoned me, then got with another man and started a new family in another state and only saw me.once a year (maybe) for a month (Max) I would feel so hurt. My you.test SS is always talking about when he was little his mom did this and that----um excuse.me-your mom left you when you were 7 months old because her and SO were fighting and she wanted to a kid free club head. What memories does he have of her? ???is he confusing his BM and my.SO's exgf that was there for 5 years before me.. in the 4 years I've been.with SO they have their BM maybe 5 times. For a week-month. I drives me nuts to hear SS talk about a woman who has been out of the main picture for his whole.life. I know he probably is creating memories to help me see me and our 15.month interact. But my SS14 can say no wrong about BM he asks me.to use my phone to call her all the time! He'll talk her for a.long time about what!!!! Will they ever see the rose.colored.glasses.they see her with. I don't want them to hate her I just want them.to see what she's doing is wrong- that is not what a parent is supposed to do! I want to be more appreciative of e erything me and SO do.because she wont even send money for them unless we bug her.

Comments

AliceP's picture

Submitted by AliceP on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 12:23pm

Well you should get a pat on the back for not alienating SS from her, you obviously don't bad mouth or anything in front of him. When kids are with their parents on a daily basis they see that mom and dad have flaws, when they aren't with their parent they idealize them.

crystalyzed's picture

Submitted by crystalyzed on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 12:38pm

I agree with AliceP, but don't worry keep being strong because when they become adults they will realize the wrong their mother has done they might even resent her for it. My SKIDS think their mom is the best also, trust me she is thee worst mom in the world, but buys them expensive gifts sometimes so she is "AWESOME" in their eyes.When they get older -as long as you don't ever bad mouth BM- they will realize that BM is nothing compared to you and their father.

truebloodfreak's picture

Submitted by truebloodfreak on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 12:39pm

That is totally true! !! Well I don't speak of her in front of them because I have a bad temper and it will.lead to yelling swearing and crying. I do bad mouth her to my SO and his parents. Whenever SS's mention her I completely ignore.it or change the subject immediately. BM's own family.told.me.I'm a.saint for.taking care of the boys. I honestly want the skids to develop their own opinion of their mom. If they have half a brain they will see her for what she is- a deadbeat,seasonal.parent, egg donor etc...

smileygirl's picture

Submitted by smileygirl on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 12:57pm

With luck they will as adults realize that you were their true "mom" not BM but I think we are programmed to love these people no matter what. I'm not sure if it's a genetic imparative so that we don't all kill our families living in such close quarters or because as children these people are a part of us so to think of them as bad would then mean that in someway we are inherantly bad. For some of us we grow and see their faults for others that never happens.

Yesterday for instance my "uncle" died. He was a terrible man in every way. He was a drug addict who abused his wife and children mentally, physically and sexually until eventually my aunt found the strength to divorce him. His children still stood by his side until the end and are all grieving him as though he was the greatest father to ever walk the earth and say as much. Sometimes I think we really NEED to believe that these people who created us do love us and are at their core good people.

I would just let it roll off of me as I do when I hear about amazing psycho BM. I frequently have to remind myself that they are just children and when they actually do spend extended periods with her they see her true colors and it does negatively impact their self-esteem, so we are all better off with them thinking she hung the moon...and I'm wicked.

Doubletakex3's picture

Submitted by Doubletakex3 on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 3:55pm

There are some things we just can't comprehend until we're psychologically mature enough. Sometimes the truth is so hurtful that denial mechanisms kick in and we just can't see it...and maybe at the time it would be just too painful to see it. IMHO, really "getting" that you're own mother doesn't love you enough to want you and willingly abandoned you is one of those truths that's too painful to accept.

I'm in the same boat with BM here - she ran off with a guy she met on the internet and left her kids for 4 years. She routinely abandons them even now, despite living 2 miles away. I have to remind myself that if the kids really comprehended the situation it would be devasting to their self esteem. I hold out hope that they'll "get it" when doing so will allow them to hold her accountable and not blame themselves in any way for her incompetence as a mother.