Tired of feeling like I will never measure up to bm
BM has not seen my ss in 2 1/2 years. My dh has full custody but ss is angry quite often because he can't see his BM. I can't help that and am doing my best to be the best SM I can but sometimes this job sucks. She will always be better and he idolizes her even after all that she has done. I keep my mouth shut and just tell him one day when she is not "sick" anymore she might come around but for now we just have to wait until she is better/off drugs.
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I know it is hard. We have a
I know it is hard. We have a BM who is not in the picture. In fact, we have a court order that keeps her from contacting SD10. Despite all the lies and crap that BM pulled, SD10 still talks about her mom and cries for her. I don't take it personally. I just try to realize how despondent I would be at that age if someone had taken my mom away.
I do everything for her, but I don't expect her love or favoritism. I encourage her to talk about BM because I know it is helpful. I think you just need to keep repeating it. Trust me, with time, it does get easier. It never fully goes away, but it does lessen over time.
As hard as it is to
As hard as it is to understand ... it's normal for the little kid to idolize the deadbeat. What you are doing by being there for that child is selfless and amazing. Do NOT forget it for a second.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Thanks for the encouragement. It helps to know that others go through it too. Becoming a SM at nearly 50 when I could never have my own kids with my late husband was a blessing and a curse. I got what I always wanted but in a hard way. He has been getting into trouble at school lately so I am taking him to a counselor. He has little respect for most women so I found a male counselor for him to talk to. He does not want to talk about his mom sometimes. I guess he is afraid someone will say something bad about her. I just hope I can raise him to be a responsible human. Thanks for the input. Glad I joined this site.
Its a crappy situation for
Its a crappy situation for sure. And yes as you put it "the job sucks sometimes". Its probably one of the most thankless roles in existence. My SS6 is borderline obsessed with his BM, even though I am the one who is at every soccer game, every PTA, and there to help with homework. BM will always be the queen Bee in his eyes and I just have to learn to accept that. Maybe one day when the child is older he will be able to rationally look back and piece together who was there for him and who wasn't growing up. Until then keep on keeping on--you're doing a great job even though no one will ever tell you that you are.
You won't because you are
You won't because you are real. The kid can make BM out to be whatever he wants.
Thing is sooner or later the dream shatters and he will hopefully see who's actually been there. Who took care of him and loved him.
It sucks because no one can live up to a fantasy and that's what she is to him.
"You won't because you are
"You won't because you are real." I really like that perspective. So true.
Yep he does have this rosy
Yep he does have this rosy picture of her. When he started to play ball he wanted to quit after the first couple of practices. He said his BM let him quit so I should. I told him he is not quitting things like that and he would enjoy it if he gave it a chance. He stayed in and loved it. She lives in our town and I have taken him to nearly every game and practice for several seasons of baseball and basketball. The bio GM came to a game once and posted pix on fb of him that the BM reposted on her page. I wanted to comment but don't want to start something. One day he will see all I do but sometimes I just want to go in my room and cry. All my friends are BM so they don't get how I feel. Nice to have others that get it.
Yep he does have this rosy
Yep he does have this rosy picture of her. When he started to play ball he wanted to quit after the first couple of practices. He said his BM let him quit so I should. I told him he is not quitting things like that and he would enjoy it if he gave it a chance. He stayed in and loved it. She lives in our town and I have taken him to nearly every game and practice for several seasons of baseball and basketball. The bio GM came to a game once and posted pix on fb of him that the BM reposted on her page. I wanted to comment but don't want to start something. One day he will see all I do but sometimes I just want to go in my room and cry. All my friends are BM so they don't get how I feel. Nice to have others that get it.
I can understand exactly what
I can understand exactly what you are feeling. I felt this way for YEARS. SS is now almost 14, he hasn't lived with BM in nearly 2 years. He sees her SOMETIMES, for an hour at a time. I'd say maybe 4 times a year.
It wasn't until SS started getting older and understanding LIFE that he started to see BM for who she really is. Up until then, she could do no wrong in his eyes. I was never enough, I couldn't love him enough, care for him enough, buy him enough to make him feel for me the way he felt for her. I am not his mom.
The nice thing now, he knows what his mom truly is. He sees it. I am still not his MOM, he doesn't want his MOM, he wants me.
And... the majority of the pictures on BM's facebook are stolen from my friends, me, or SS. The most recent picture that she has of him that she actually took herself is one that is about 2 years old. The rest are many years old. I get the frustration, but I have learned to let it go. She wasn't there. She can try to make people believe she was, but she wasn't. She doesn't have that memory, I do.
AMEN. very eloquently said.
AMEN. very eloquently said. especially your final sentence, "she doesn't have that memory, I do."
All excellent points. You
All excellent points. You are right. I will be the one in the vacation pix, the Christmas pix, the pix from his elementary graduation in a couple of years. I have the ball uniforms and the memories of the big game. Maybe when he hits his older years he will look back and see me for what I am. Someone that loves him and stuck around when he was mad because I am not her. I don't want to be her.