Need your advice and perspective about this. Am I thinking about this correctly?

Background:

The skids are PASed out—OSD since she was 14, and now at 20, remains completely estranged from her father. YSD, only recently PASed out a few months ago at 17, has also severed contact with DH. Neither daughter communicates with their father, despite the years he spent time, love, and all the care he has given them.

MIL, the mother-in-law from hell, adds another layer of toxicity to the mix. She’s deeply enmeshed with her sons, playing them against each other and their wives with subtle (and not-so-subtle) passive-aggressive tactics. The result? All of her daughters-in-law keep her at arm’s length—a necessity for their own peace of mind and sanity.

MIL thrives on control. She operates under the belief that she’s the sharpest tool in the shed, doling out unsolicited marital advice as though she were an expert. The irony? Her own marriage is a glaring example of dysfunction of what NOT to do!  Decades ago, her husband has completely checked out, treating their relationship like a joyless cohabitation. It’s obvious he resents her—possibly even hates her—and their interactions reflect that.

Yet, during the holidays, YSD reached out—not to her father, but to MIL and an uncle. Not a word to DH. This particular skid has mastered the art of shunning—her ability to exclude and dismiss others is practically unrivaled.

Over the holidays, YSD reached out to MIL and an uncle to wish them a happy holiday, skipping right over her father, DH. The silence on her end? Deafening. This wasn’t an oversight—it was deliberate, another tactic in her well-honed game of exclusion.

MIL, of course, sees herself as the linchpin of the family—the irreplaceable link that keeps YSD connected to this dysfunctional web. She doesn’t see it as a shunning tactic; she views herself as stepping into a role me or DH can’t or won’t fulfill. In her mind, she’s the savior, keeping the fragile connections from breaking entirely.

MIL’s delusion goes even more profound. She doesn’t just act as a grandmother—she tries to parent the skids, stepping far beyond her role. When she overstepped with OSD, BM swiftly set a boundary, telling MIL to stop bullying her daughter. And MIL’s response? A full-blown victim act. She called DH and me, crying, insisting she was being unfairly attacked.

But here’s the thing: MIL isn’t a victim in any of this. She actively chases after people who clearly don’t want her involvement. She inserts herself into the lives of nearly-grown adults who already have a manipulative BM firmly in control—a BM who treats parenting like a cult leader safeguarding her followers. Yet MIL refuses to see the obvious or acknowledge her role in her own drama.

I dread Friday nights.

Every Friday night, like clockwork, MIL calls to “catch up” and find out what’s going on. But this weekend? Silence. No call. By Sunday, I was starting to wonder what had kept her from her usual interrogation routine.

Sunday night, she finally called DH. The reason for the delay? She had spoken with YSD.

Hallelujah. 

MIL informed DH that YSD had landed a job. But here’s the kicker—MIL didn’t have any details. She didn’t know where YSD was working, how she got the job, or even when she started. That’s not like MIL at all. She’s a seasoned interrogator when it comes to extracting information. If MIL can’t pry it out of someone, you know they’re stonewalling her. My take? YSD wasn’t offering anything, and MIL was left pulling teeth.

Apparently, MIL managed to scrape together a little more from OSD, but it wasn’t much—just enough to feel like she had something to report. The lack of details was glaring.

Then came the cherry on top: MIL told YSD to call DH and apologize. According to MIL, YSD agreed and said she would. But guess what? She didn’t. Shocking, I know.

MIL’s selective blindness to YSD’s behavior is always astounding. She acts like her suggestions carry weight when, in reality, YSD does what YSD wants—and an apology to DH clearly wasn’t on her to-do list. It’s just another example of MIL inserting herself where she doesn’t belong, trying to patch things up without addressing the deeper issues at play. And yet, here we are—another cycle of MIL trying, YSD ignoring, and DH left just standing in the background watching it all unfold.

Here’s my questions and what I came up with:

PASed-out kids need space—it’s counterproductive for “self-important” relatives to interfere where they don’t belong, especially when they lack any real understanding of Parental Alienation. To me, it feels like a betrayal when they chase after the skids, knowing full well the skids want nothing to do with DH. Instead of helping, their actions undermine boundaries and prolong the dysfunction.

Why Space is Important for PASed-Out Kids:

1. Critical Thinking Development: PASed-out kids need time and space to step away from the manipulated narratives they’ve been fed. Chasing them or constantly trying to engage can reinforce their belief that they’re always in control or can manipulate others to their advantage.
2. Self-Initiated Relationship Repair: Healthy relationships are built on mutual effort. If they never experience the natural consequences of their actions (like estrangement or feeling the loss of a connection), they have no reason to reevaluate their behavior.
3. Avoiding Enabling: Chasing them can unintentionally validate the toxic dynamic, where they feel justified in their treatment of their father because they know someone will always "welcome them back" no matter what.

By chasing after the skids and ignoring their toxic behavior toward DH and me, MIL is sending YSD the message that it’s acceptable to abuse, neglect, and lie about her father. She’s showing her that no matter what, there will always be someone ready to chase her down and welcome her back into this so-called “happy” little dysfunctional family. This kind of enabling only reinforces the cycle of disrespect and dysfunction.

By chasing after the skids and disregarding their abusive and disrespectful behavior, MIL:

• Undermines Boundaries: Instead of reinforcing the idea that healthy relationships require mutual respect and accountability, MIL’s actions send the message that their behavior has no real consequences.
• Encourages Entitlement: YSD and OSD may come to believe that they can behave however they like, and there will always be someone ready to cater to them without requiring growth or reflection.
• Invalidates DH’s Experience: MIL’s behavior minimizes the pain and betrayal DH feels as a result of his kids’ actions. This will drive a wedge between DH and me if I feel this is wrong, but DH (enmeshed with his mummy) will defend MIL to the bitter end.