I met my husband in Oct 05, we immediately hit it off. I knew he had a child and was separated. It was very recent but there didn't seem to be an issue. After a couple of weeks he found out she was pregnant, she wanted to get an abortion (she didn't, and denies the attempt now) she said it probably wasn't his baby anyway. It took almost a year before I met the children (by that time there were 2) and so here I was holding this most precious 2 month old baby girl when we simply fell in love. They got the divorce, and 18 months later we were married, with his daughters as our little flower girls.
On to the present. The oldest has just turned 5, and the youngest will be 3 in Aug. The BM is frightful, I am always nice for the girls, but she's just something they shouldn't have let live, let alone raise 2 precious little girls. Since her divorce from my husband she has remarried twice. I am 4 years older than my husband and 5 years older than BM, they were both teenagers when they got pregnant living at home and wet behind the ears, neither of them has grown up much. When the youngest was being born, BM gave her her very first gift, a lifetime STD.
I am not here for the BM bashing although I totally understand the need, 90% of the time I want to shake the Bitch!
What I am here for is: I am having tremendous difficulty having any affection for the 5 year old. I feel as though we missed out on critical bonding time while my husband twiddled his thumbs deciding if we were in it for the long haul. On the same token my husband has never bonded with the youngest one, he never forgot the BM saying the baby wasn't his (since they were married he is the father and does pay child support even though our schedule is 50/50) so the youngest is mine and the oldest is his. I do not enjoy it, but it is the way it is.
Another struggle is how we were raised, I was raised with money, taken on family vacations, ate dinner at the table every night with my parents with no tv on, and saw my relatives at the holidays. He was raised in front of the tv says he hates nature, would be happy eating dinner in the livingroom watching the tube, and saw his relatives everyday.
We (by we I mean me, my husband, and the BM)disagree on schedules, rules, punishment, how/where we do meals, how/when to put the girls to bed, where they sleep, how much tv they watch, how much time they are active and outside, what they wear, how often to see the grandparents and when with the grandparents what rules must still apply when we are not there). I mean if it can be fought over, we fight over it. The girls are our one hitch in our new marriage. I wouldn't trade them or our time with them for anything, I just need advice in either sucking it up and letting them run ammuck (if they are allowed to continue raising them the way they were raised they will end up pregnant, on drugs, and dropped out of school, just like both their parents) Or how to get them to see clearly what is in the best interest of the children. I am not the laid back take no role step parent. If I were they would be dirty little heathens. Out of the 3 parents I spend more time with the children than the BIOS combined, mu husband is a fire fighter and works 24 hour shifts along with having a part time job, and when the girls are not with us they are with BM's grandparents mostly.
I love both girls, but I am only in love with the youngest, I try to treat them the same but there are obvious differences. I was raised by a step father, my mother was raised by a stepfather, and there were troubles but not like we are having now.
On another note, if anyone is interested in helping me out with another major issue.... My husband and BM were only together for 2 months when she got pregnant, and married for less than a year before the separation, but my mother inlaw could not possibly treat us any more differently. She takes BM out to dinner, buys her clothes, cigarettes, groceries, clothes for the girls, has let her live in her house since we have been together, they hang out and watch movies together. My relationship with my mother inlaw goes a little something like, "you stole my son from me you witch!" We had an actual wedding which my parents paid for, they got married at the court, we are actually in love they got married because she got pregnant, how can his mother not be happy that he found his soul mate?? How do I either make her treat me with the same respect she shows BM or get rid of her??