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Will it get better?

TKB11's picture

Submitted by TKB11 on Wed, 04/30/2025 - 7:29am

I've been a stepmom for 6years now and HCBM is still after my DH. Drama & Harassment has not stopped. We have done everything including getting the judge to enforce a parenting app for communication. She still stalks us at school events, if it's his visitation day she dramatically calls the kids over to her at school events, like they are going away to war and she'll never see them again. I mean dramatic! He only gets them on Thursdays and EOW. You won't believe what we have had to go through.. she has contacted his work, asked to speak to his boss, she has stuck her head into my car at an exchange while my SD cried for her to get away, she drunk dials my DH family at midnight etc.. she recently moved her and the kids in with her parents and just got arrested for DV on her elderly dad while she was intoxicated (the sk's grandfather) she is definitely an alcoholic as stated in the police report. Evidently the stipulations for her moving in with her parents was she had to do a breathalyzer 3xs a day. (Written in the police report statement given by the grandparents) I guess my question is ... Will this ever end? I mean she knows we are aware of her arrest but she is still stalking. It's exhausting... Anyone have any advice? 

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ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Wed, 04/30/2025 - 7:43am

With a mentally ill person who is struggling with addiction.. the short answer is NO.. it won't probably improve.. those kids are always going to be a link to her disordered person.

What you will have to do is decide if the balance of your relationship with your DH is worth it first of all.

Then, you can disengage from her to preserve your own sanity.. your husband doesn't get to vent to you.. you grey rock when she does her "ohhh sweetie" crap at events.  Your DH can advise his family to block her calls.. and your DH can screen communications from  her.. and not respond "immediately" to everything.

He bred with crazy.. he should be the one to shoulder the burden of dealing with her when necessary.

Do you think he might think of seeking full custody given her issues with abuse and alcohol?  If so.. again.. he has to be committed to protecting you from as much fall out as possible here.  no venting.. no forcing you to be with her or communicate with her etc.. and back you up with his kids when they are in your home.

 

TKB11's picture

Submitted by TKB11 on Wed, 04/30/2025 - 8:01am

Thank you for your reply. Yes, honestly I do most of the communication on the parenting app, and I do definitely wait a while before responding and before responding I toss it in chat gbt to clean it up to an appropriate "legal level" and I know you will suggest he start being responsible for communication .. and he should. But he struggles with electronics, he's not good with apps. But I've always encouraged and shown him how to pay for his kids aftercare payments and lunch accounts etc. So I can work on that too, it might help and take away a lot of the stress I feel. As far as taking custody, he shortly considered it but it would put a large strain on his work schedule and if I'm being honest, probably our marriage. I did fill out the paperwork for an emergency hearing right after we found out about the DV arrest but he never followed up. I can only do so much. We did contact CPS so they are actively watching her. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Wed, 04/30/2025 - 8:28am

I appreciate your helping him and wanting to be a good partner.  However, he can become good at electronics if it is important to him.  My DH was not particularly adept at using computers and smart phones.. he is now.  I would wager that your DH knows how to use his phone to look up things that he wants to... so gently push him to be doing this.. and if you need to stand with him to go over it until he "gets" it.. fine.  the goal is to wean him off relying on you.  Just consider.. if you were gone.. what would he do?  he would obv figure it out.  

I get the custody thing.. it is a double edged sword.. I get not pushing for that because having the kids full time would be a big obligation

TKB11's picture

Submitted by TKB11 on Wed, 04/30/2025 - 11:54am

You are right. If he can figure out fantasy football, he can do this too. Lol Great advice. Yes, double edged sword is the perfect way to summarize it, had it not been for our kid free weekends aligning, I'm not convinced we would've made it. We need our own time together to grow. 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Wed, 04/30/2025 - 8:03am

NO. it will never stop.  You can't tell not deal with the mental unstable person.  Your DH left '''' the perfect wife  in BM,  ''''. and must now pay for it.  Maybe when the kids are adults. You can't tell block her totally

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Wed, 04/30/2025 - 8:55am

During our early hectic years, just the thought of having the kids full time would have seriously upset me.  I was barely hanging on with the weekends and summers.

But, when they started to move in, one after another, I found to my surprise that life was better.  No transition issues and less interaction with BM.

Just a thought - perhaps having your SKs full time would be different from what you imagine.  In any event, good luck.  Your BM sounds like a nightmare.

TKB11's picture

Submitted by TKB11 on Wed, 04/30/2025 - 11:46am

Thanks for sharing your story. I've been so envious of my son and DH relationship. They have always clicked and I often wonder if I will ever get there w/ my SK's. Hearing your story gives me hope. I have to say this site is amazing. I'm very grateful for all the advice and I'm thankful to have a sounding board for my struggles. I referred to Blended & Blessed website prior to finding this site and every answer on that site was "be a better coparent".. yuck! Lol I'm like.. you have no idea... I  need boundaries, so I'm very grateful for this site, real struggles, real answers, real ppl. Thanks again everyone!