BM is acting crazy?!?!
If anyone has any advice on this topic, please share... I have an unusual situation that I cannot seem to find anything similar?!?! I'll try to make a long story short. I am the BM of a nine year old and a SM of a thirteen year old, both boys. My husband is also the father of our 9 year old.
I have been in my SS's life since he was around 3 years old. She and my husband have shared joint custody the whole time. She was the custodial, but for the last 5 or 6 years, my husband has been. (she signed it over to him) His mother re-married when he was about 6. My husband has always worked out of town for 7 days and off for 7 days. He gets his son while he is home. She divorced her 2nd husband when my SS was 7 years old. Shortly after, while my husband was out of town, she called me and asked if I could keep my SS overnight because she was having a bad night. Of course, I said yes. She pretty much just didn't come back for him for close to a year, seeing him TWICE during that time!
I had a two year old and was thrown into a situation where I was in the role of being my SS's mother. He never called me mom and I never tried to replace his mom. I took care of him hole my husband was gone and did my best to help him through a bad time. She would call and say she was coming to get him for the night, would call back from loud places (bars maybe?) and say she was running late. Then she would finally call and say she wasn't coming to get him at all. He was very confused and upset, but got to the point where he didn't talk about her as much. I NEVER talked bad about her and when he would express anger I would make excuses for her and tell him she was "working." the sad thing is, she lived TWO BLOCKS AWAY! she claims that she left and had him stay with us because we were more stable (which we were) and she was going through a hard time, post-divorce. Which may all be true, but as a BM myself, I would never do that to my child.
When she married her third husband (who is a good guy) she wanted my SS back in her life. We were in the process of making our full custody official, but she begged us to give her a 2nd chance. We did, but had her sign over primary custodial rights, to ensure we had some control over his stability and security.
For the last 5 years, she has had joint custody and where I don't think she has been involved as she should (going to his sporting events, etc) she has done much better as a parent. My SS has expressed over the years that he wants to live with us full time. He's 13 and she lives appx 30-40 miles away, so he feels this is his hometown and this is his home. We understand it is important for him to be involved with both families. We have no interest in pursuing full custody. However, last week he mentioned to her that he wanted to live here full time and she FLIPPED OUT! we had been arguing (by text message) and hadn't talked for appx 40 min, when the police dept shows up at our door! She had told them that she needed my SS checked on to make sure he was ok?!?! She had not tried to call us or him first, which was very dramatic! It confused my SS as well, and he begged us not to "make him go back there!" He also still had anger towards his mom for "abandoning" him. We have not encouraged anything but for him to forgive her and move on. He saw a school counselor for a year after he was back in her life, but she would not participate in the counseling.
I called her and she told me all of my SS's emotional issues were MY fault and that she would have a better relationship with him, if not for ME! I always take up for her to my SS! she said I have him "brainwashed?!?!" she says I have over stepped my bounds as a step mother. I have been trying to educate myself on what my role should be, but this is not a textbook situation because he and I were thrown into a not-so-traditional role five years ago! I tried to reach out to her and tell her I was willing to try to redefine my role and work things out, but she has no interest. She directs all her anger over HER mistakes and her sons feelings, towards ME! we had a pretty good relationship and communicated fairly well before this incident. Please share if you have any info/advice. Thanks!
I called her and she basically told me that
Oh and she also told me to
Oh and she also told me to treat my SS "as a daycare child." she does not want me to talk to him, give advice, or basically anything nurturing at all. I asked her if she didn't want us to be close and she said no, and to not do anything that would be considered a motherly role at our house! I asked her what kind of mother would request that the SM treat her child as a daycare child. I also told her I love and treat him the way I treat my biological son and she told me not to! I'm so confused!
please! Tell her that she
please! Tell her that she needs to thank you for being there for her son when she abandoned him! She is stupid as his problems are her fault not yours. I mean how can a mom just take off not expect their child to have some ill feelings toward her?
I would not listen to her.
I would not listen to her. You have been more of a mother than her and she knows it! Sounds like you have been a great mother to him and you need to keep on doing what you have been doing for the past 5 years. She can't make you treat him anyway other than how you want to treat him. She is crazy and I would not listen to anything she says. It takes more than giving birth to a child to make a mommy or daddy and she has failed. She can't make up for lost time. She blew it 5 years ago when she left him. It's too late for her. It sounds like the SS loves you and loves where he is, that is what is important.
Thanks everyone! And you are
Thanks everyone! And you are right, it's not an act, she is definitely crazy!
she also will not allow him to call/text etc me or his brother in her weeks anymore... Poor kid. Thanks for the advice. She almost had me second guessing myself and wondering is I should "detach" a bit from him, but that's just not right. I will continue to treat him like I do my biological child and if she doesn't like it, too bad! SHE caused this situation! Until she accepts responsibility for get actions, nothing will change... Geez... I agree with the reply that she "blew it" 5 years ago. I have even asked my SS what she can do to make it right and he said "nothing." maybe some things just can't be made right? My main concern is the anger and resentment he feels towards her. It's so unhealthy! He is going to start seeing a psychologist next week....
Here's what I think she's
Here's what I think she's doing. She messed up and she knows it. I think that she has probably been trying to fix the damage that she has done to him and it's not working out very well for her. She wants the relationship that you have with her son but can't have it. She knows that she can't just tell you to leave like she did and betray him so what's the next best thing. Do not interact with my child at all. No talking to him or doing motherly things for him.
She is trying to get you to do exactly what she did in hopes that her son will become closer to her. In her mind she probably thinks that's why he cares for you so much.
What she needs to do is realize that what she did was horrible and that if things are ever going to work out it takes time. Obviously she doesn't want to wait but unfortunately for her she is an adult and should at this point and time in her life be fully capable of dealing with the consequences of her actions and not expect anybody else to either fix her problems or clean her mess up for her. Unfortunately for you, that's what she is trying to get you to do.
You just keep on loving your stepson and give him all the support he needs. Don't listen to her and push him away. I mean really, what kind of parent calls up a great stepparent and tells them not to love or talk to their child. It's rediculous and she is completely over stepping her boundaries. She doesn't get to tell you what you can and can not do in your house.
Thanks so much! I appreciate
Thanks so much! I appreciate the support! I knew I wasn't in the wrong, but she manipulates me into almost thinking if I were doing something differently, maybe they would have a closer relationship! It's not MY job to fix their problems. I do tell him that she trying and to forgive her, etc, but she just keeps placing the blame on me. She even defends her reasons for abandoning him and blames her ex husband (husband #2, not my husband) but the truth is, she was busy partying and trying to find a new rich man to support her. I could go in and in about het character and her past, but I'm not worried about all that. I just want what is best for my SS. I really do love him and just want him to be a happy, healthy, normal 13 year old. He's such a good kid and does not deserve all that he's been through.
Thanks everyone for your advice. I am going to take it and just treat my SS the way I always have. We have a close, healthy relationship.
I agree about what kind of mother would tell the SM NOT to love their child. It was so insane, that I was actually speechless! When I recovered I asked her those exact words "what kind of mother would say that?" I have never had to share my biological son with a SM, but I truly believe if I did, I would WANT the SM to treat him well and love him as her own! Of course there would be feelings of jealousy, maybe even a little resentment, but the bottom line would be what is best for my child! I know I would never leave my son for a year, but if I did, I would have to deal with the consequences and not blame the SM for MY mistakes.
Once again, thanks to all! I am so so happy I stumbled across this website. So supportive! You guys are awesome!
yepo. I'd just like to chime
yepo.
I'd just like to chime in here to second all the posters who said she is trying to blame you for HER PROBLEMS. And they are definitely hers, believe me.
You did nothing wrong. You've actually been quite extraordinary in this situation, and SS, not to mention idiot BM, are lucky you were there and that you are who you are.
Don't change a thing. Don't listen to her. Cut off all communication with her if you have to. Just keep doing what you've been doing. And good luck.
I hope I turn out to be like you in the long run. I have two SS's and love them both, but I'm not doing everything I can and I know it. It takes alot to go the full nine yards, and that's what you did.
Thanks so much everyone! I
Thanks so much everyone! I told her yesterday that I was removing myself from this equation (as far as the adults go) and that from now on, she can communicate directly with my husband. It's always been the two of us doing most the communicating, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders!
Just be sure that DH is clear
Just be sure that DH is clear that no decisions get made without consulting with you....and he needs to be very clear with BM that this is the case. Once she speaks with him directly she will try all kinds of nonsense to get more money, favors, etc. I've had our BM go anywhere from guilt trips about the kids and their marraige, to saying "but we were married for 16 years and we looooved each other". It gets really, super, annoying. Mostly because its not okay that she thinks she can talk to YOUR husband like that as though they were still married and he owed her something.
The email/text commumication route works well because then you can see what shes asking for and just have DH refuse if she says anything inappropriate.
Lucky for me, DH is very
Lucky for me, DH is very strong willed and is less likely to "give in" to her as I was! That's why he chose to communicate with ME! Guess she "slit her own throat" in this situation.
he will only be communicating through text because we like to have PROOF of what was really said, since when we speak on the phone, she always twists the conversations and adds things that were NOT said!
That's why SHE chose to
That's why SHE chose to communicate with me, I mean. Stupid iPhone! Always messing up what I type!