Thank God it's (Almost) Monday
TGIF? I don't know her. When you have SS7 with severe ADHD, the weekends are agonizing. Meltdowns, constant whining/crying over miniscule things, bullying my 2 toddlers... and never ending talking/noise making. I don't want to deal with any of the behaviors but, when we live together 24/7 it's unavoidable.
5 years later you would think I'd be desensitized to SS behaviors and ways, but I have less patience and tolerance now. I am not proud of my negative feelings, but I am only human. Naturally, I'm introverted so the constant talking and unnecessary noises easily trigger me and leaves me extremely overwhelmed. I thought with time and many, many conversations SS would eventually slow down, but it feels worse now.. or maybe I'm just fed up.
I find myself retreating to my bedroom or any other space that SS is not in. If I don't escape, I feel like I might explode. It has gotten to the point where I will leave the dinner table to eat separately from everyone because I can't listen to SS make heavy breathing/groaning sounds while he eats. I want to eat with my bio kids, but my sanity is hanging by a thread. I tried noise cancelling headphones, but I can still noticeably hear it. My 2 bio toddlers are way less stressful and not nearly as noisy. I feel bad for them at times when they are around his manic like chaos.. or when it feels like SS wants to act out all weekend for attention, it takes up much of the day. SS is so exhausting!
Today he was told to get into the shower, he delays the task, messes around, waiting for someone to call him out to get attention. When no one fed into his tactics, he comes into the kitchen where DH and I were in mid conversation and interrupts. He pleads and whines about how he desperately needs to spend a Target gift card he got from Christmas and demands that someone brings him to Target tonight or tomorrow. DH semi entertains it. I chimed in asking, weren't you asked to take a shower? What does a gift card have to do with what you were reminded to do? DH then says he won't be taking a special trip just for that, but SS can bring it the next time we have to run an errand there. SS starts his infamous whining/pretend crying and throws himself onto the floor like a toddler then proceeds to demand to know exactly what day he can go. Major eyeroll for me.
I had a waaay less privileged childhood and these scenarios don't gain pity from me. I would have killed to be in the position these kids are in. The lack of greatfulness drives me insane. SS expects everything on a silver platter at the snap of a finger even when he hasn't been raised that way in our home.. grandparents and relatives that have cherry picked him as the IT grandchild really ruined any humble trait he may have had. Gifted whatever he asks for regardless of price, item or OUR approval. Hence why this kid has 2 Nintendo Switches and a tablet residing at different grandparents houses specifically for SS.
I'll mention that even though my bio children are 1yr and 3yrs, they also have age appropriate boundaries. SS is NOT singled out as DHs relatives/family friends allude to. SS has some additional responsibilities and expectations due to the fact that he is older. That's it. Each child has a limit on screen time and bed times.
Not one relative complains about how my bio kids have limited screens, how it's unfair or worrying about their boredom. That's how I know step parenting is rigged. We're expected to BE a full fledged parent to SKs, do it all unconditionally, but are not respected and undermined. I am judged 100xs more with any decision I make or blamed for any choices DH makes that others don't like. This judgment never crosses to my bio kids. Not one person questions me about my bio kids. Doesn't that seem a little hypocritical? I have "evil stepmom" engraved on my forehead. That's why I have a f*** it attitude, stopped trying so hard and have taken a distant, back seat. Shocker, I'm a bad step mom for that too.
Before my nacho movement, I fought tooth and nail to improve our home life by pushing for SS assessment and therapy because DH was in denial. Even though SS is medicated now, his behavioral health appointments have seemingly been abandoned after SS7 went to BMs for his yearly visit for 5 weeks in the summer. DH hasn't bothered to continue to schedule or bring SS to his biweekly therapy appointments. When I brought it up to DH his excuse is that he doesn't feel that SS is getting anything from it.
Mind you, SS started his therapy appointments a couple months before going to BMs. I explained that therapy can take time to get noticeable results, but DH is not convinced enough you do anything else about it. We have been going through a lot of family drama between MIL and BMs family, I believe therapy could help SS process those situations and learn what healthy relationships look like.. but what do I know, right?
That's my life currently. Can't vent to my friends as much anymore. I'm pretty sure they're sick of hearing the same old. I'm honestly sick of hearing myself too. Dang, I need a good therapist. Cheers to Monday!
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That sounds like my SO’s son, who’s 10.
Thanks to this forum and some sanity that my SO possesses on occasion, we did not move in together, but he rather bought a house within minutes from me. It's a win-win. I already have my sanctuary to retreat to and he has a (temporary) escape when things get really nuts.
When I stepped in, kids got diagnosed and medicated, some further assessments are still in process, but things don't look too good: they already have ADHD, and it appears the 10y.o. will also be diagnosed with ASD. We're also suspecting either ODD or CD for the elder one (14), which are a standard combination in jail population.
The younger one shows affection and empathy when in good place, but that's hit and miss. His constant sound making, squealing and screeching when he doesn't get his way normally evoke white-hot rage in me. Like you, I grew up in very austere circumstances, also in an objectively unsafe country, so watching this performance when he gets the "wrong" synthetic cheese on his bathroom-sponge like bread made to order by dad or the wrong amount of sauce does not make me like him more. Unlike you, I can leave when things start hitting the fan. I can't not imagine what it'd be like to be trapped with these creatures for the next decade or so.
I am now much calmer, but that's because I started practicing some radical disengagement: when they refuse to go to school or to take their meds, or when they insist on eating only garbage bagged food from the freezer section, I actively remind myself "not my problem". That has become my mantra.
I have also made decisions about being seen together in public, going on holidays or even weekends away together: this is no longer happening and I'm happier for it. I don't know if you can afford this type of changes, but I'd think it would be more relaxing for you and your babies to stay at home and plan multiple local activities while your DH takes the demon spawn with him for some bonding opportunities, than you risking your sanity by being stuck with him in a holiday place. I personally find my SO's kids' behaviour shameful- they are destructive and act like complete ferals in nice restaurants, other people's homes, museums etc. I would not dream taking them to a theatre, as they'd have no issues acting like halfwits making stupid noises during the show and laughing about it, completely unperturbed by how idiotic they appear.
It is sad though, because this disengagement seems to have coincided with evaporation of any positive feelings towards them from me. Of course, on occasion I get glimpses of their vulnerable, kind and thoughtful sides, and I know they're just kids, and I hope that these are the facets of their personality they'll eventually grow into, but as the same time they're too few and far between for me to care.
And lastly, I have now begrudgingly agreed (at being almost middle-aged) that nature often wins over nurture. For decades I was wide-eyed "all you need is love" kind of person, albeit not completely naive and dazed, but I clearly see the BM's family in these kids. The BM is deceased, and she had no issues making them on her death bed, while lying about the reality of her condition. Every SINGLE person in her immediate family (parents, siblings, her) had a significant physical or mental health issue (all needing ongoing care and of course all were on welfare outside some occasional menial jobs). The grandfather has some interesting history and is a creep, while grandma is a sweet enabler. I've figured out straight away his family name was made up and doesn't exist outside this particular family (am familiar with their ethnicity), and also supposedly he sought refuge for political reasons, but I'm wondering what he really got up to and whether the justice system there was on his a$$ for other matters. Pity I have no way of finding out without his actual family name.
Anyway, wishing you strength and commiserating, and most of all wishing you disengagement opportunities.
I wish
Your living situation seems like the perfect set up. I wish I knew what I do now. I met DH when SS was 3 and hadn't had much experience with children and was told this is normal toddler behavior.. at the time maybe it was "normal" for a 3 year old, but for a child who's almost 8... no way. I have said I would love to move out to DH in hard times, DH would never be on board for that as long as we're together because we have our own children.
Having 2 bio kids of my own, I definitely see a difference in them vs him at that age. DH definitely exhibits some mild ADHD symptoms himself that I can live with. My DD3 is pretty typical and has always been an easy kid, however my DS1 is very challenging as a toddler and I do often worry he have may have traits SS7 possess as I understand ADHD is genetic. Everyone pray for me. I don't know how I'll handle ANOTHER SS7. At least I have the unconditional love feeling for DS1 and am more than willing to seek interventions if need be...
My granddaughter
has ADHD and while she can be challenging at times it isn't like what you describe with your SS.
However, my son and his ex-wife share custody 50/50 and her teachers have remarked on several occasions that she is a very different child when she's with her father, more able to focus, less need for consequences, and basically just more likable. Dad isn't overly strict but they do follow a schedule, limit screen time and makes sure she has an outlet for her over abundant energy with lots of outdoor adventures. Mom parks her in front of the tv and feeds her junk.
So even if your little guy is a handful beyond the typical behavior for his age he'll have loving, consistent parenting from you and that will only work to his benefit. You'll be the difference and that is huge.
Sounds like
All THREE of Chef's ferals, culminating in YSS literally crapping all over my house on purpose because he didn't get his way. This was at the same age as your SS. Even then Chef didn't want to do anything about it. The attention seeking was monumental by all three.
The BM called CPS on us because Chef dared to put SD in time out for kicking YSS. Then she got all three skids to lie and say we were "monsters" because Chef had finally stopped the 24/7 entertainment circus and put down a few ground rules which were minimal at best.
She enrolled them in every sport or extracurricular activity known to mankind even though they are all failing because of truancy and failure to do homework or class work.
The BM had no expectations for these three kids and they had no accountability or consequences for any bad behavior. It was all blamed on the divorce. She got them all IEPs which did nothing because IEPs can't help laziness and permissive parenting. It was quite embarrassing to see OSS at sports events high kicking it up for laughs and attention while at the other end of the field his teammates were formulating strategy. Also ginger corpulant OSS screaming out "I HATE YOU" to Chef at a giant intramural wrestling event held in a huge gymnasium while turning reddish purple with rage in his orange wrestling thong, rolls of fat quivering, is an image burned in my brain forever.
Then there was tomboy SD that was constantly shooting toads in the eyes with a BB gun and torturing my two cats but claiming to be an "animal lover."
I don't know how you ladies do it with "ours" children!
Are ALL BMs the same
We always have issues with BM too, especially during the beginning of my relationship with DH. I've had the cops called on me for a wellness check for SS because she was worried about him, that I could be physically assaulting him.. that was 3 hours after she caused a conflict with us with false accusations over the phone. From that moment I refuse any relationship or contact with BM. I act like she doesn't exist. BM lives in MO, we live in NYS. Once she decided to restart her life and have 2 other kids (1 month after ditching SS) she stopped caring as much as the years pass. Usually holidays or birthdays will restart her crazy, but once those are over she could care less again.. however she will always put up a performance that she is the best mother while also doing little to nothing for SS. Gotta love it!
Do we have the same skids
Or do they all read from the same script like the HCGUBM's do?
Duplicate
.
I know.
In my SO's case it's also weird, because BM has been dead for years, so they hardly remember her, and of what they remember there wasn't much interaction or engagement from her, because she always had to "rest" due to her genetic illness that eventually ( as expected) led to her passing. SO was the one who did all the night feeds, slept in the same room as them as they were screaming demons not just during their waking time, but also at night, getting up in the morning to provide treatment for the BM before marching off to his highly demanding corporate leadership job.
So the kids would have only seen a very attentive and engaged father, that he still is, although now he's losing his sh*t and his sanity because they're approaching adult size, but behaviors only got worse.
This is what's really making me believe in the power of (rotten) genes, because clearly love and consistency aren't enough.
When I brought it up to DH
Your main problem here is DH. Semi entertaining SS's behavior, not realizing that toddler tantrums are not appropriate, is setting up a teen age life of misery for all. SS was not getting anything from it because DH was, and is, not accepting the reality of SS's behavior and working to correct it.
"That's how I know step
"That's how I know step parenting is rigged. We're expected to BE a full fledged parent to SKs, do it all unconditionally, but are not respected and undermined."
Yes indeed. You mentioned he went for a summer visit to his BM. Is he with you most of the time? If so, it makes it hard to disengage without living daily with the consequences of how he is "un-parented" or parented into these bad behaviors by your DH and your in-laws.
You mention being worried that your bio-kids will behave similarly, but with you as their 100% of the time parent, that is unlikely. As far as therapy, it sounds like SS needs therapy but also your DH. To learn how to parent. If things are how they sound and you have SS near fulltime, and your DH and his parents allow and even encourage this behavior, it's going to suck. Maybe couples' counseling can help you both get on the same page. A lot of parents and grandparents don't realize it but they are actually training their kids to behave badly by giving in to tantrums and unreasonable demands.
Heh heh
My mother used to waterboard me (hold me under a running tub faucet) if I had a temper tantrum. That's what we called nasty childish outbursts back then as there was no "spectrums" or "ADHD"s or "depressed" kids. It put an end to the temper tantrum right there and made a kid think twice about doing it again.
No such thing as gentle parenting back then although my mother did go soft on my younger sister and just let her rip with her tantrums which only emboldened her to be like JRI's SD.
SS should be getting professional help
He's 7 yo it's only going to get worse. Going uncheck ,, When he goes into his teenage years he could hurt someone. DH has to get his head out of his a$$. You, DH, SS. All need professional help to coexist. With out help your marriage will be over.
Its DH 'S kid and his responsibility to take care of. Not your's. If DH isn't around. SS isn't around. You worried aboutyhe safety of your bio kids. I know it's sad