What gives? I'm JUST THE STEPMOTHER.
This weekend was supposed to be BM's visit, She hasn't seen the kids in over 3 months now "her choice" and this happens often.
The first missed visit she said that her dad had car trouble so she could not get her kids (she does not drive, have a license or income)
The second visit she missed she said that she had to go shopping for her other children she does not share with DH and to tell them sorry she missed them she would soon.. The third visit she missed she said that one of her other chidlren was sick and she was up to her eyes in taking care of them and her family... LOTS OF EXCUSES.
Yesterday, my husband works so he would not be able to drop off the kids as he was at work during this time. About 2 hours before I was supposed to drop off the kids I was in a collision, it busted my axle and one of my tires. I tried to call the BM she was not taking my calls, so I got in touch with my husband at work and asked him if he could get ahold of her and son on...
anywho I was accused of turning her children against her, and she wanted to know why I not my husband was making her pay child support? she then proceeds to tell my husband that their children my SD's 11 and 9 run to her and tell her everything that I say about her when they are in our care
I do not talk about the BM in front of my SD's. I don't even vent to my husband about it unless we are out on our montlhy date or the kids are in school no where around me to be able to hear.
I have a big heart, I know I shouldn't but I do... People tell me all the time I got to change that, but I can't I've been this way for 36 years... I can't change it.
Everything that goes wrong in the BM's life or anything that happens when it comes to my SD's IS ALWAYS MY FAULT
The BM and her family do not call my SD's, they don't message or email or facetime to check on the kids, and now a judge has ordered the BM to pay child support because DH has them full time.. but somehow that is my fault?
She tried to get sympathy from DH saying she was not going to be able to pay him and didn't want to go to jail, but then turns it around on me saying she doesn't like me never has and that she didn't want me around her children...
I've helped raise my SD's since they was 4 and 2... I have been in a depression since yesterday evening.. I suffer from it... anxiety and OCD.
Me and my husband sat down and talked with my SD's and they admitted they have been going back to their mom and the family telling them that I say things about her, I asked them was it something I said that they was telling her and they said no????
So they are just going and telling her what lies??? I don't understand it... what did I do wrong?
I don't want to and I know they are just children but the oldest should know better... I feel myself putting up this wall with my SD's now and although I don't want to I know I have to not just for me but my other children in the home too.
I don't know what to do fellow Stepparents... any advice or steer in the right direction would be really appreciated.
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Comments
We don't know how much
We don't know how much pressure they are under to make her happy...
WhyThe chances are that the things that they are telling her are dragged out of them and she won't let go until satisfied that you are awful. At their ages, they are easily impressionable and can easily be subjected to leading questions. Not to mention the possibility that BM is putting words into their mouths and saying "Right?" and they say yes just to get peace
I'm sorry about your collision. Even a small one can shake you up.
You've done nothing wrong.
You've done nothing wrong. And having a big heart is a good thing. Try to keep it open to your SDs. It sounds like they need it. They likely did what did because their relationship with BM is so tenuous and they are trying to connect with her in whatever way they can. Definitely be firm about the inappropriateness of what they did, the pain it caused you, and the potential damage it could do to your family unit. Kids don't know how to cope with all of the complicated feelings involved when their foundational system is divided. Love them and hate the behaviour, while teaching them how to deal with their feelings.
Gaining Mom's love
My guess is they'd do or say anything to gain a crumb of her love and attention especially since she's so negligent. She's more hateful now that there's a financial cost to her behavior (gasp).
You're not doing anything wrong and you're the loving presence the kids need. I'm glad your DH sat them down to explain ramifications.
Hang in there, Tigerlily.
The more you make her look
The more you make her look bad, the more she will blame you. Typical response from a dysfunctional human. Time to teach the difference between the truth, a fairytale and a lie.
Don't take on her labels. You don't need to defend yourself to DH do you? I hope not. Don't hesitate to speak your truth to people who listen to BM. Correct any falsehoods.
Not sure of your skids ages but asking them WHY BM would say that will get them thinking. That's all you want to do, don't give them the answers. They need to eventually be able to pick thru her bullshit and not buy into it as adults. Also, if she calls to cancel, put the skids on the phone or put it on speaker and let her do her own dirty work.
DH needs to remind her that if she doesn't want to pay CS she needs to take them and be responsible parent to them. Her choice. Actions speak loudest.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with her. Exhausting when your deep in the trenches.
It's okay to have a big heart
It's okay to have a big heart - as long as you're able to erect appropriate boundaries, too.
Poor kids have found a way to get attention from their mom - give her ammo to scapegoat you. Ugh.
So many of these sub par BMs shenanigans can just be filed under "Dumb B!tch B.S."
Even when they are with the quality parent, kids are as much the
spawn of s hit as they are quality when they are cursed with a parent like the BM in your blended family world.
Your SKids are the progeny of their shit mother. They will play whatever cards they can to engage with her.
It really isn't you. Stop punishing yourself. Time to start confronting your SKids regarding their own lies and manipulations. And... give them the BM related facts. Show them the CO where the Judge ordered CS. Give them every bit of info on their shit mother.
My SS has a shit SpermDad. We played every card at our disposal to protect him from that and to break the cycle of influence that shallow and polluted gene pool had on my SS-31. We started the battle when he was a toddler. He is a wonderful man of character, honor, and standing in his profession and community. SS's three younger half sibs by two other baby mamas incude Spermidiot spawn #2 who is on the dole, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind #3.
You and DH do what you have to do to break the shit gene cycle for your SKids, hold the SKids accountable for their lies, and inform them of the facts reardsing their shit mother.
It worked for us. SS is living a great adult life. Unlike his SpermClan.
Take it easy on yourself.
ONE. These are not your kids. You did not have these kids with BM
TWO. BM is the mother, she must actually do something..If she wants to see her kids she will figure it out
THREE. Maybe the world is telling you something. Car trouble and everything falls apart
FOUR. DH should be dealing with BM. ....Not you.. you don't call the enemy...
Five. SP is always at fault...we all went through this.. years before the internet we actually believed this... not until these boards that ...I found that most people ...meaning SP felt the same way... That BP that divorced...are screw up.. Part of that screwup is they make there new partners suffer.... outdated not make first husband do what they wanted... but got a head start in second marriage........This is what people don't understand... there is a script for second marriages.... make new partner. Feel like a loser. .. They deeply love first SO. But just couldn't live with them... so second SO must suffer. Can never do the right thing.. ...everything is there fault... second SO ..screws up the " can't we just be friends with my old lover"