"Are you letting me get the kids this weekend?" - HOW DO I RESPOND TO THIS?
I am still standing here staring at the text… literally going back and forth between managing the home and my daily struggles but no form of words in response to something that needs a response.
DH has joint custody of his children but was allotted the children full time; basically the judge granted joint decisions for medical, school etc. for both mom and dad. Before there was a formal custody order in place DH and the BM had written agreements and DH supported his children and had them half time up until he gained legal custody and residential custody of the children after they had been deemed in a neglect and unfit home, and it was determined drugs/traffic of meth. The children witnessed an overdose as well.
Communication with BM for the last near 6 years has been really almost nonexistent. DH has always been sole provider and went above and beyond for his children. BM has an entitled attitude and has told everyone that DH stripped her children from her and that he keeps them from her.
BM was ultimately awarded every other weekend visitation after she denied the extra time judge gave her from Thursday to Monday because she said she was unable to transport the children due to no license and no income.
Fast forward to today, BM is not calling the children she does not exercise her visitation regularly. She cancels or misses a lot… literally at times does not show up to the exchange point at local police station. It is always a different excuse one day to the next.
Now I get these messages every time for when it comes to her visits.
“ARE YOU LETTING me get the kids this weekend?”
Judge ordered that BM and SM communicate because she was unwilling to speak with DH on behalf of her children. 2 weeks ago we had this same issue… I spoke up about it and said look what your saying is confrontational.
It is not up to DH whether or not you get the kids, there is really no need to message us about it unless DH or you have to cancel or change the visitation due to emergency or illness, something related to that. DH or I will always have the children at exchange unless we notify you otherwise.
She blew up on me blocked me and literally unblocks me today just to send this same provoking question…
Never calls or messages to check on the kids but literally every 2 weeks I get this message.
Our attorney said that we need to be civil and continue to go above and beyond to help our case if any future issues or court dates arise. So every time the kids have a medical appointment or School function etc... We always are kind enough to call or message and let her know... but nothing from her or her family on behalf of or benefit of the children.
She doesn’t even financially play a role in the children’s lives.
How do I continue to deal with and respond to this message every 2 weeks?
I feel like it is to bring negative light on DH and I… like she is literally implying it is up to us whether or not she gets the children and then when she does back out of getting them that weekend, turns and tells court and her family that it is because we do not allow her too… not because the truth of the matter is that she tells us…
“I can’t make it today, my other kids are sick or something in between”
Help please.
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Simple
"This is your weekend. Kids will be ready at X time."
This would be my reply EVERY damn time. She's purposeful in her behavior as you told her it's confrontational. She's looking to get you and get attention. Don't give her an audience.
"Based on the CO, which we
"Based on the CO, which we all follow, it's your weekend so yes, the kids will be ready for you like they are for all your other parenting time."
Save and resend every 2 weeks. She can say whatever she wants and make it seem like your DH is keeping the kids from her. That doesn't make it true, and she'd have to prove that the kids weren't available to a judge if she really wanted to push it.
If you want to be proactive, then send her a text every two weeks that says "The kids will be ready for pick up at X time on X date for your parenting time." If she has you blocked, that's on her. You'd have proof showing you messaged her and she'd have to explain why she doesn't have the text (which would be her having to explain that she blocked you even after she wanted to communicate with only you).
There is also Option C, which is that you bow out of communication due to her vitriol and put it back before the judge to either force her to communicate with DH or to use an app like Our Family Wizard. This would be my personal preferred option because you never should have been dragged into the middle of this. Not you ex, not your kids, not your problem.
Option D would also be to hand your phone over to DH and still make him handle it. It's still communication coming from your phone, so she won't know it's not you. Takes you somewhat out of the middle and makes DH not be able to hide from her BS.
Agree with OFW
Completely agree with Our Family Wizard. SO and BM are court ordered to communicate via OFW. If BM texts me I ignore her unless SO is away for work and has no access to OFW.
We have had the same issues being told he is keeping the kids from her, her not taking her visitation time etc. Now she has stopped using drugs things have improved, however she is still painful to communicate with. I avoid it unless it's absolutely necessary.
OP we are in a similar situation, BM disappeared for years, SO has primary custody and she has EOWE, also no financial contribution AT ALL to her 5 children.
Hope your BM gets her life together soon
Hugs
"DH will be at the exchange
"DH will be at the exchange point at x time on x date as outlined in the CO. Please let us know in advance if you will not be able to make it."
Copy, paste, copy, paste, copy, paste over and over and over again. And then document every time she doesn't show.
BM clearly knows she is a deadbeat parent and she is spinning this "DH is keeping my kids away" narrative in her head to make her feel better. She is looking to get a rise out of you with these messages, so your best bet is to repeat the same response and continue to grey rock until she gets bored receiving the same message and stops.
The others said it all very
The others said it all very well. Same formal message- Copy/paste. Don't entertain her confrontational messaging.
Correct
Send exact same reply each time and document her non-compliance. The thing not to do is let this bug you (I'd be aggravated, too). She is looking for any type of response from you so she can spin it. It is in your and the kids" sake to model calm stability. Bless you for taking on these kids.
"We follow the CO. We will
"We follow the CO. We will always follow the CO. There is no need to ask again. I will not answer again."
Brilliant.
Golf clap.
"Will you be there to pick
"Will you be there to pick them up this time? "
"The kids are available for
"The kids are available for all of your COd visitations. Are you going to take this visitation? If not, please notify promptly so the kids will not be disappointed. There is no need to try to falsely make it appear that the children are being kept from you. Take your visitation!"
She is trying to show DH/you in a negative light. Flip the script and put her in the spotlight so the CO app has the facts.
I'm petty. I'd set up an auto
I'm petty. I'd set up an auto message to send at 12:01 am. "This is your court ordered weekend. The kids will be redy at XX time as per the court order. Please let us know if you will not be utilizing your time."
FYI- I'd balk at being thrown into this mess. The judge had no right to order your to communicte with BM in an order which you are not a party.
Agree With You On that Judge
We SMs put up with enough BS. We have ZERO rights in the court systems, education systems, etc. when it comes to SKs, are not allowed in family court proceedings but yet this????
I am reminded of the THIRD time the BM here decided she needed a vacation to the psyche ward. Every time she pulled her "suicide attempt" stunt, DH was overseas and I was stuck to have to go get his kids. The third go-round, my adult daughter told me to let CPS pick them up but a quick call to our attorney said the courts would "frown" on that and it would cause DH problems. Well, what the hell? Crazy loon has adult kids, mulitple siblings, cousins, etc. Why ME???
Note: I don't take suicide lightly but with the BM, it was just a game. Like at that third round, neighbors called me and said she was in the ambulance on her phone, talking and laughing with someone. I call that game playing. SMH
Someday, she may put herself out of everyone else's misery.
Sad for the Skids. But a blessing for the most part.