Help . . Horrible or Hormones!?
I'm 7 months pregnant and have been living with my fiancé for about a year and a half. Lately we have been having more fights about what should be getting done around the house. He and my SS, who is 17, are responsible for taking care of the dog and garbage. My daughter is 10 and doesn’t really have much to do other than help me when I ask and keep her room clean. Everyone is responsible for cleaning up after themselves; dishes and/or any mess they make. I hate the fact that I have to keep on these two men about what needs to be done. Now my fiancé, who is a blue collar worker, I know he is physically tired from work so it’s not like I'm hounding him to clean when he gets home. His son however, does nothing but sit in his room and play video games ALL DAY, needs to constantly be told what he needs to do. If the garbage is full, he doesn’t think to throw it out. He isn’t checking on the dog for feedings or taking her out to go to the bathroom. So of course she is going in the house. He continues to leave his dishes in the sink, even after he is being told to stop. Now my husband seems to think that I expect him to do everything, but I am really trying to let him know that it’s more his son. He doesn’t get it!
Now he is a very quiet person. No attitude or problems. I do know that my fiancé has had problems in past relationships that all had his son be the underlined issue, never knew why until now. In the past I have expressed certain things to my fiancé, but he is extremely sensitive when it comes to him. He told me he always feels like people are against him. So, I completely stopped telling him anything. We don’t even speak anymore. Now I feel like he is old enough to know better. I ground my daughter when she doesn’t do what she needs to be doing. She gets her TV, laptop and/or phone taken away. I’ve asked him to do the same to his son but he always has an excuse. I also don’t tell him anything when he tells my daughter things. I am seriously starting g to resent t him. I don’t know what else to do or say. My fiancé doesn’t seem to get a real sense of his behavior. Hes still acting and being treated like he is a child. Am I being crazy or is there something that my fiancé should be doing??
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Your SO should be parenting his child.
Your SO should be parenting his child, which he is clearly not doing. What are the plans for this kid when he graduates?
I'm sorry, I can't get over the fact that he won't let the dog out, so she goes in the hous,e and this apparently is a pattern. What happens when your child is old enough to crawl around on the floor?
My SS is the first one home,
My SS is the first one home, his school is down the street. Hes supposed to get home, let the dog out, feed her and then keep an eye on her. My daughter, fiance and I get home a few hours after he does. All he seems to care about is getting on his game. His excuse is, he forgets . .
I have asked about what the palns are nfor him after HS, since he will be on his senior year, but there are no actual plans . .
My fiance is more concerned with getting him a car! But for what!? He has no permit, DL, reason to have one . .
Your fiance is probably right
Your fiance is probably right. People are "against" his son. Because fiance never taught him how to act!
Failing his son
NO you are NOT crazy.
Your SO is failing as a parent. Your bio will notice the preferential treatment that special snowflake is recieving and start to be a bit resentful, bit hopefully SS will be out of the house by then, creating pigsty somewhere else.
You could try hiring someone and then charging your SO.
Id put off the wedding until things are better resolved.
Simple fix. The password for
Simple fix. The password for WiFi gets changed everyday and if they want to play games and whatever else, they do the chores first to get the password. That is their "currency " aka what motivates them. New rule. You can also put timers on the WiFi and I might do that also. In my state , we have summer electricity rates that are higher from 2-7 pm every weekday. If you have something like that , put the WiFi on lockdown for their electronics during that time.
What is it about boys and letting them off the hook for household chores? This generations of acceptance for tradition gender roles needs to go. My daughters have the same complaints I have about the males in my life. Ladies we need to demand better from out men. We have more to offer than just housekeeping. Smdh......
I am able to pause the wifi,
I am able to pause the wifi, unfortunatly he has a PS5 and I dont think it needs wifi to work . . he is still able to use it.
Funny how power cords can
Funny how power cords can come out and be taken away. Maybe given to the dog as a chew toy? You have some power. You are the other adult in the home. If you have no power , then who does? It must never be a freeloading teenager.
You and your SO need to sit
You and your SO need to sit down and discuss a parenting plan that includes whether or not you parent one another’s child. You need to decide age appropriate chores as well as punishments and what both of you are willing to give on, or a hill to die on. As for your SO pulling the “everybody picks on my kid card” that is a total cop out, and a way for him to avoid dealing with any issues pertaining to his son. You also need to discuss what happens once SS turns 18 and stick to a plan that you can both agree on. Best to also discuss what both of your expectations are for the baby you are getting ready to have.
I agree.
We have attempted to have the discussion but it didn’t end well, and was never revisited. I feel like he is this way because his real mother doesn’t really want to be involved in his life. I also think that there may be some tiny bit of doubt that he isnt his real son, as he mentioned his mother was not very loyal. Not to mention, he was a teen when he had him . .
Your SO needs to get
Your SO needs to get comfortable with dealing with these uncomfortable issues, if he can't then he needs to stop getting women pregnant.
There’s a good part here
And that is that the kid doesn't have an attitude. Maybe you can have your fiancée set a family meeting where he normalizes having family meetings monthly. Your SS will get more annoying to you when your baby is born. Maybe your DH can set the tone and lay down the expectations for what his son needs to do, in front of you. This way when your SS doesn't do it, you can just reinforce what his father wanted you to do.
I totally get the feeling of having no authority in your home. If that kid doesn't have a plan past high school, you might get stuck with him there doing nothing but playing video games all day.
What bothers me the most is
What bothers me the most is that my fiance seems to be okay with his son not amounting to anything! He rather him sit in his room playing games not amounting to anything, rather than getting into trouble or gangs . . HiS EXACT WORDS
Wow
I hate when they use that reasoning! As if those were the only 2 options in the world! There's another option, called teaching your kid he needs to work to earn what he wants or has. Teaching him how to be a man, the future leader of his own household. If that's the case, maybe you should stay home and play games all day vs going out and getting mixed up with the wrong crowd. I hate how these men enable their kids.
He is such an enabler!
The crazy part is that he will make comments about the fact that my mom is enabling my younger brother, who is 23 and has a 1 year old he isnt stepping up for, but cant look in the mirror.
I would
I would let the house go to crap,forget to buy stuff for them, eat out with my kid and if I get any accusations "at least I'm not cheating!"
There are times where Ive had
There are times where Ive had to do just that. Sometimes we go without speaking to each other for a few days, my daughter and I will go out. I also have to buy her snacks to keep in her room, due to the fact that not only is he a BIG guy but he is not considerate at all when it comes to food!
Same!
My DD8 had 4 packets of those powder lemonades. She gave SS18 3 and asked him not to have the 4th one. He had all 3 and hers within a few hours.
He also drinks her juice boxes in a day so she's started putting them in her room.
& one thing about him is hes
& one thing about him is hes very sneaky! I have a camera in the house to keep an eye on the dog, and I can see when hes sneaking food or drinks. By sneaking I mean putting things in his pockets and going to his room or covering his plate when he eats. So he knows hes doing things he shouldnt be. Also, when he is around his dad or other people he acts real innocent, but when hes alone he isnt behaving that way! He also lies about certain things sometimes.. my camera doesnt lie!
You are an adult in the
You are an adult in the household and you pay for the electricity. Take his power cords away.
He will explode but you must stay calm. He will get his cords back when has been completing his chores on time for X number of days. End of conversation. If he threatens you, call the cops.
This is exactly what i dealth with and same issues with
Trash and cats. I couldn't clean cat litter when pregnant because of toxoplasmosis i think its called and ss would dump his trash on kitchen floor and ants would come, great more work to clean up.
ss17 stayed in his room all day and playing games etc and sleeping. When i brought it up with hubby he made all kinds of bullshit excuses and it was because he knew if he put his foot down, ss would threaten to run away from home and go around in circles claiming he was suffering imaginary stress syndrome
so i simply told hubby i am not doing it, between you both you sort it out as i have enough shit to deal with especially with newborn and later on another baby born 14 months after previous child. It took 1.5 yrs but hubby came home one day from a hectic day at work, tired exhausted and sees the mess ss left at rubbish bin and immediately told him off what the hell has he been doing all day? Ss stood there in shock. Lol the look on ss17 face at daddy losing it on him
i figured if daddy wasn't gonna man up and address this then next tactic was pile on morr work for them to handle and eventually one dad hubby would come home from work tired exhausted and see what a lazy piece of shit human he has as a kid completely ignorant of others and selfish and entitled.
since that day hubby realised he's busy running a company nationwide, i'm busy with a newborn and toddler and ss just nothing and whats being asked of him to contribute is not alot. Takes a few mins but he makes it like its running a marathon
since then its been so much easier hubby telling him everytime he is home he takes out trash, vacuum the floors downstairs etc. even when hubby would ask ss to do that whilst he was at work, hubby messaged me to check did he do it as he doesn't trust his own kids.
unfortunately not every housewife and stepparent is gonna patiently wait 1.5 yrs for ss to contribute towards household chores
the way I explained it to my husband many yrs ago was a home doesn't run by or take care of itself. It takes all members of the household to contribute. If ss isn't interested in contributing then he is showing he isn't an active member of this household and hubby can't act surprised when we don't want to be around ss. By ss not contributing to chores, he is effectively causing disharmony in the home. My husbands exwife didn't teach their son anything and hubby being at work from 7am till 10pm sometimes or even later meant he couldn't really raise ss but biomum disowned and abandoned him in the divorce and told the courts she couldn't be bothered caring for them and would only take the daughters and even then the daughters are useless ar chores and domesticated work which for asian people is something you are expected to master before you marry and already be good at doing in you teens and 20s. Sd's can't even cook, they lack basic life skills.
my ss has realized over time and what his dad has said to him and his sisters that they need to understand their mum abandoned them and they've made a decision to often not be inclusive of me and my kids with hubby and they need to realise that all i've ever wanted was a harmonious inclusive home. The sd's chose to not be inclusive and civil and are on their own living in another home and effectively they have no female role models to guide them throughout life.
i told my husband many yrs ago he needs to understand that when ss marries, he needs to have these basic life skills and be doing these chores or his wife will be in for a major awakening and its not fair on her to have to raise another man who acts like a child. The fact biomum is absent and disowned ss doesn't remove the fact my husband has a duty to raise his son to be a productive member of society and contribute towards household chores.
before i married my husband, his sisters never saw him helping with cooking. That only happened after i married him and he helped out especially during pregnancy when my back ached and i couldn't stand longer than 10 mins. My husband was the one checking whatever i was cooking had cooked down and was ready to eat.
The weird part is that my SO
The weird part is that my SO does yell at his son when I complain to him about things not being done, but it doesnt seem to instill any fear or make him think "damn I better get my sh*t together." Thats why I suggested grounding him or taking things away like phone/game. The yelling works for a few days and then back to nsquare one..
Yelling isn't parenting
Yelling isn't parenting because it isn't teaching the kid anything. Now, taking away privileges, charger cables, limiting WiFi time is different because he will eventually learn that there are consequences for his acts or lack of them. Time to lay things out clearly. He is a part of this family whether he likes it or not and he will pitch in like everyone else ... or suffer the consequences.
Try the Super Nanny method of having a list of expectations for every member of the family and post them in places where they are highly visible. Then make a copy of his and post it on his bedroom door so that he HAS to see them before going into his cave. He won't be able to say he forgot again.
My husband would send me screenshots of the back and forth
Txts with his son when he was addressing it from work to show what a headache it was and he was going around in circles. Around year 3-4 of marriage it got to a point where I ultimately had enough.
i told my husband that since he actively was encouraging and allowing this behaviour and attitude to continue and disrupt the harmony in our home and he had no intentions of fixing this once and for all, it was absolutely unacceptable and selfish of him to marry me and expect I relocate o/seas to him and live like this in this unharmonious environment and it wasn't one i would continue raising my kids in.
i told him since he wasn't doing anything that divorce was the only option because he refused to hold his end of his promise that toxic exwife crap ended with his divorce when it clearly hadn't. It was in that moment he realised how much he hd fuc*ed it up that i was wanting a divorce.
For 2 months he didn't allow ss to come back home from college just to give us peace and finally that dad ss came home, hubby had picked him up and the 1.5 hr car ride home rained hell on him. That kid was scrubbing and cleaning his bedroom and vacuum within the hour of him arriving. He also lost the privilege of locking his door and hubby could enter without knocking to monitor what be was doing. I made sure hubby wasn't all talk no action. Ss behaviour and refusal to contribute towards household chores made him lose the right to privacy in our home until he earned that right back. For the first time he feared his dad.
i told my husband he was being a complete hypocrite trying to discipline our toddlers yet nothing for skids 2 who were adults and youngest sd who was a teenager. That if he wanted to discipline our kids he had to do the same for skids. I was tired of the but exwife is crazy shit. We're beyond that, yes she's useless but you don't get a free pass on parenting them
i'm not sorry for threatening divorce because this didn't feel like a harmonious marriage to remain in and nobody was guiding ss how to behave and yet when it would come to him proposing marriage later in life, no doubt hubby and inlws would lie and sing praises yet nobody would have a clue how useless he would be.
after hubby manning up, it got much easier for him to tell off his 3 kids from exwife regarding issues because he knew i was speaking the truth and he can't blame the exwife.
i'd go down the line that your husband and ss are both being selfish expecting you to live like this in such an unharmonious home environment and suck it up with the original status quo when family dynamics have clearly changed. If he sulks and manipulates or gaslights you, stand your ground.
unfortunately men like this need to fear upsetting you more than their kids from ex and fear you leaving them rather than their own kids. My husband even said to me multiple times that if i left him over the skid crap which are reasonable basic expectations, skids wouldn't care for him like me and our 2 kids would. They'd abandon him as a lonely old man so in hubbys mind whats the point of sticking up for his kids and siding with them with their bullshit excuses in life. Thats made it much easier for him to address issues
you also need to remember you husband and skid have lived like this with these family dynamics for how long? Now you're and your unborn kid will be in the picture and he is somewhat getting a crash course on adjusting and that's difficult for him to do especially if ex is high conflict and pas is involved, they fear losing their kid who is already majority a lost cause and would rather screw up another marriage and baby on the way instead of making it work. Its a repeat of first marriage/relationship ending and perpetuates a never ending cycle.
alot of these spouses/partners struggle with adjusting
Post the standards with the clear stipulation that....17yo does
it. Or daddy does it. It is up to daddy.
If he does not have the testicular fortitude to enforce the standards on his near adult son, he can be the household live in beck-and-call boy/chore bitch.
Keep that message clear. DH's choice. His spawn does it, or he does it...... ALL!
Yelling without consequecnce or follow through creates no success. DH needs to unplug his spawn. No connectivity, no food, no water, nothing. Without delivery on expectations.
We had to do this with my SS-30 at tjat age. We turned off all connectivity when we left for work in the AM. If he did not have all of the ever increasing list of chores done by the time we got home from work in the evening... he was on the curb when we left for work the next AM. No access to the house, no food, and only the garden hose for hydration.
It does not take long for a hot or cold, tired, and hungry kid sitting on the curb to find clarity that it is far more pleasant to be a contributing member of the household than it is to be homeless. Even if only for a work day.
He tested us only twice in 8mos. One of those days it was hot, the other it was pretty cold. He did not like either one locked out of the house.
Daddy needs to find some testicular fortitude in raising his near adult spawn, or learn to clean, cook, etc.... for everyone. Even if you work from home, SS needs to be out from the time daddy leaves for work, until daddy comes home. Do not tolerate this kid beyond that.
My DW was fully committed to holding SS accountable and keeping the burning platform fueled to give SS clarity and to launch.
Good luck.