Grieving
I am overwhelmed with grief as I type this.
Today, we found out our lawyer has not contacted us when they should have and that BM is trying to fight for the case to stay in her state.
This has been devastating for DH.
I am at work and cannot concentrate.
I can't stand the thought of losing the boys ... it will crush DH's world and mine ... how do I deal with this?
I feel so powerless. If we lose them, then what is the point in life? Its not like we can have children together. SHE has her children, and these are ours ... she gave up her chance to make it right a long time ago but now she wants them? Now that they aren't dependent like they once were?
God help us.
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Most of that is correct. BM
Most of that is correct. BM did not give up her rights, just signed over to DH that he is the "Custodial Parent" and then she sees them in the summer time.
He is trying to get full custody because she won't let him renew their passport, he might deploy and he wants to be certain they are safe while he is gone ... well those are the two biggest reasons without telling our whole story.
No that is not a possibility.
No that is not a possibility. The military, albeit voluntary, dominates your life.
If she is only "fighting" for
If she is only "fighting" for it, fight her back. They just won't come in and take them it's not in the best interest of the children. Dis she move out of state or u and dh? I think you needs new lawyerly you need to rip this one a new one, cause itsnot right that they weren't paying attention.
Sue your attorney for legal
Sue your attorney for legal malpractive (I am not sure of the wording). Get a new attorney, and fight BM.
I agree with 3gm. If you have had custody then the odds of BM getting custody are not high. If BM has custody and is attempting to change the case to a new state and you contest it is unlikely that she can change jurisdiction unless there is a significant reason.
Best regards.
Thanks Rags but the concern
Thanks Rags but the concern is that Moms always get custody and she hasn't proven she is unfit in 4 years. She is just one of those Moms who leave her children with her parents when the kids DO visit and puts her biological child first.
Sorry. Freudian slip. The
Sorry. Freudian slip. The boys are her biochildren. She just doesn't treat the youngest that way. Read my blogs and you will get what I mean! Doh!
She has a child with her current BF and he is the world to her so when our boys do visit her, she isn't as attentive.
Yes that is correct. She gave
Yes that is correct.
She gave them over to DH when they were 1 and 3 resepctively and did not see them for their summers until I came in the picture which was when they were 3 and 5.
I stand by what I said.
You don't get it. If the
You don't get it.
If the children are a mess, and she gave them up so she could go play, how is that right?
NO I won't accept this.
Blended Fam, you are a bio mom so you see it from her side and I just can't agreee with you.
She is only fighting now because she doesn't want DH to ask for child support. He didn't want CS, never has, but now that is she is fighting back he is asking for CS as he has to pay legal fees.
SORRY BLENDED FAM but you mustn't know what it is like.
Seriously I've had enough of
Seriously I've had enough of your horribly cold responses to people desperate for help. You think that you're brutal honesty and helping people but you aren't.
Do you get what TheOtherMom is saying here? She’s raised these boys as if they were her own and loves them just as much as their mother does, probably more, but in your eyes she’s just been “enjoying them”…come on.
She’s stepped up and accepted her step kids in a way that most of us couldn’t even imagine and she’s terrified at the thought of losing them. How would you feel if your ex was threatening to take your kids from you? That is how she feels. Did you ever think how hard it would be on these boys who probably view this woman like a mother?
She’s not just playing house here, this is her life. She doesn’t need therapy because she loves her stepkids like her own.
TheOtherMom, I’m sorry that you have to go through this. I’d suggest consulting a lawyer as well. The good thing is, that judges rarely make a change in custody without very good reason. My DH would love to petition the courts to be the custodial parent but we know that it would be a huge waste of time and money since there is no significant reason to do so. Also, it wouldn’t be in my SD’s best interest either. I also think your DH should try to work with her on this. It might be all about the money like you say. So maybe some sort of compromise can be worked out.
I have nothing against women
I have nothing against women with children BlendedFam. That is not logical.
If you understand something hurts, what is the point in saying it? All it does, on a literal level, is cause anger and resentment. Therefore, you must make comments to instigate.
I have something about women who "parade" as if they are stepparents on a website for stepparents and then attack them for having an issue that causes them great pain.
I have raised these boys, am very much their mother, and am angry that the BM wants to fight DH for custody, primarily for the money. All he wanted was to be able to make decisions without loads of questions from her. He wasn't going to change the visitation. He wasn't going to make it ugly. He needed to make his parents legal guardians in the event of our deaths.
He was being and always will be the responsible father - not the girl who sees her offspring as little baby dolls that should be dressed up and played with until she bores with them and sends them off to her parents.
BlendedFam, before you jump to conclusions, get the background information. That is one of the great things about reading blogs. You can learn from others' experiences and perhaps, gain a little perspective.
And really...in the long run,
And really...in the long run, it's usually best for the kids to have relationships with BOTH parents...
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Hmmmm. I do understand what you mean about it being her kid and not SM’s kid. But, I am on the fence on this one. If, and that is a big IF, the BM gave up her kids to run off and have fun, and left the kids to be raised by another woman, it is not right for her to just step back in when it is convenient for her.
BTDT. My ex has been gone for a few years and if he just tried to step in and be daddy again, I would have a real problem with that .
Think I need more of the story.
She dropped the children off
She dropped the children off with DH's parents while he was deployed many years ago. Then she drove back home and never went to pick up the children again. Her reason was that she was just "exhausted and needed time to collect herself." When DH returned, he filed for divorce and became the custodial parent due to her DUI and exposing the boys to drugs at 1 and 3 years old. DH raised them for the next two years.
Then I met him. We dated for two more years before getting married. They were about 6 and 8 when we got married. She began visitation the summer before that even though she has had access prior to this.
She has been "on the straight and narrow" for 4 years now.
She should have been straight in the beginning but she was young, immature and selfish.
Even now, she leaves the children with her parents during the summer and not just because she has to work.
Even though DH and I work, the boys are a part of our lives. We do everything with them.
When they leave for the summer, we reconnect as a couple or spend time by ourselves so as not to lose our identities.
The only therapy we need, which we have been getting, is dealing with the boys' Reactive Attachment Disorder and how SS9 knows his mother wanted him to be a girl.
Even now she tells him he should have been her "baby girl."
THAT should be enough background - albeit biased.
Thank you. I just want to
Thank you. I just want to know how to deal with this pain!
And yes, i am looking for a new lawyer but $3k is hard to swallow when you have sunk it into an ineffective lawyer ...
Oh, I know. Ive done it. But
Oh, I know. Ive done it. But think about it this way. How much is it going to cost you if BM gets custody and you're having to shell out CS and money for travel costs for visitations? It might hurt now, but that's nothing compared to the hurt and cost you could incur later.
Now, if BM really did a
Now, if BM really did a disappearing act, why didn't SM adopt the boys??
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That is soooo much easier said than done.
She didn't relinquish all
She didn't relinquish all rights.
She wants CS. When DH sparked
She wants CS. When DH sparked the fight because of his possible deployment she said "okay then I want money."
This is DH and my biggest
This is DH and my biggest fear… Mother Russia lives in our state right now (and saddled with a frightening mortgage keeping her shackled here for now) but she HATES the United States… I know if she could she’d move out of the country in a heartbeat!!! And she has the finances to back up a giant court battle that DH and I couldn’t afford to fight… unfortunately, in this country, money talks and fairness walks.
I’m preying for you… get the best lawyer you can afford… good luck!
The Other Mom - What I think
The Other Mom - What I think you may want if your DH gets deployed is a Power of Attorney from him. Also, you want to stress that you don't want to take away the BM's rights as a parent, if it comes down to the skids living with you.
SD over here came to live with DH and I 3 years ago. For the past year, and into the next, SD has been living solely with me, as DH is traveling for MONTHS at a time. DH and I were both worried that BM could contest, would try to take SD away from us. But SD is older (16 now) and we were told that the courts will take what she has to say into consideration. They might not completely honor it, but they would take it into consideration.
Also, I was worried that something would happen to SD when she was in my care, and that BM might not be available, and DH would be traveling... and what would I do?
We actually saw a lawyer that advised us to not do anything, since BM hadn't challenged anything... but possibly get a Power of Attorney to act on DH's behalf.
I know that your BM is now contesting custody, but you and your husband have been there and raised your skids. That does count for something.. You just need to get a lawyer who will fight for you! Also - if you have anything - school records, guidance counselor records, therapist records, that can show that the kids are not only surviving, but THRIVING in your care... that will help you.
Good luck!!
Stick, Thank you for that
Stick,
Thank you for that sound advice. We did that today on the way home from work!
It is very specific. I have a POA for the matters of the children and in the event he is gone. BM may not like it and will take the boys first chance she gets but at least maybe it will keep the wolf at bay until her summer visitation.
Thanks again for the kind words.