Crazy BM and Long Hair
Hello All,
This is my first post as I just found this site very recently although I wish I had found it long ago. Maybe this will help me to let some things out and not always make my FH hear about it.
After many many many issues due to BM's constant need to control, things have calmed down a bit, but she is still unbearable to me. I have tried to come to some commmon ground with this person, but there is nothing there that I can relate to. She is not someone I would ever be friends with in my personal life if I met her. She is very unsocial, very out-dated in her physical appearance, lacks any kind of sense of humor, and she is just weird to me. I think she has very low self esteem and had a kid on purpose to feel needed and loved. She is way too overly involved in her childs life, doesn't let her just be a kid for christs sake. My number one issue is my FSD's hair. BM has let it grow to her knees!! FSD9 doesn't know how to brush it herself-how could she!? FH and I want to cut it badly, but the first mention of that FSD told BM which resulted in an nasty email which then concluded as FH's lawyer advising against cutting it so as to try to avoid further conflict. But FSD's hair is disgusting to me. It is always in one braid down her back, never in a cute style or anything. I have to brush it after she showers and style it for her. It is embarassing because I don't want people to think she is my kid because I would never let my kids hair grow that long!! She is 9 she should be brushing her own hair!! I believe BM wants it long so that FSD needs her and depends on her. That is my theory, but Im sorry, thats messed up!! She is insane in my opinion. Her need to control is severely unhealthy and I just want to cut the damn hair!!
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Crazy BM and Long Hair
Wow, nine and not brushing her hair. I had to deal with that when I got married. My SD was 10 and didn't know how to brush her hair. I had to show her a trick I did when I had long hair. I would part it down the middle and start brushing at the bottom of my hair working my up to my scalp for both sides. That way it didn't pull too much. I also bought SD a good conditioning shampoo to use too, to avoid the knots at the nape of her neck. It helped a lot! I too had long hair down to my knees when I was 9. I always had to do my hair on my own, and found cute different ways to keep it out of my face. There is a ton of different styles of braids that can be done. When I did make the decision to cut my hair, I was 14. I was excited to cut it because I donated it to "Locks for Love" to make wigs for children with cancer. I have grown it long a few times and cut it off to donate. I don't really have any ideas to solve the problem, but maybe a trip to the book store to get a book on styling long hair will help at least with the style issue. Good luck.
cut her hair
he is her dad and has as much rite to cut her hair as BM does. let her take y'all to court over it and get laughed at by the judge and look like an ass. keep those emails as evidence. that is absurd! HE is her FATHER and has every rite.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Is there a religious reason?
I know some religions dont allow women/girls to cut their hair. Is she Amish or Pentecostol (sp)? If not then the child needs a hair cut! It doesnt have to be a short hair cut but maybe to the middle of her back or something? Is there any room for negotiating with BM? I feel sorry for the girl, talk about standing out from the crowd!
Good luck!
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."
Don't even think about it!
As a BM and as a SM, I can tell you first hand.....if you or your DH cut her hair it'll cause more problems than it's worth. Think about it this way, if you had a daughter and made the choice that you wanted her to have long hair, you and your DH break up, your baby now has a SM and ex DH and SM are saying they want her hair cut. But to you she is YOUR daughter. Regardless if she is DH's daughter as well, you want her hair to be long.
You know that is how BM feels. I would feel that way to.
I think the best thing to do in this situation is to follow happy go lucky's advise and teach her how to do it on her own.
She'll love you to peices for spending all this time with her! And in the end it'll cause no problems.
I know, he's her dad and has the right to cut his daughters hair if he wants to. I agree. But if you want to keep it a happy stress free day don't cut it!
i get what youre saying
and not cutting her hair probably IS the best option to keep the peace. but i for one, am so SICK of these nutcase BMs thinking that the kids are THEIRS alone and not letting the dads have ANY say in their lives. why should this poor child have to have long, ugly hair juts bc its what her mother wants? the dad has a say too. why dont the BMs get that?
this isnt directed at u, stepabove...i agree w what youre saying. i just think its so ridiculous when these "moms" treat their kids like their possessions.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I agree, probably not worth
I agree, probably not worth the fight to cut the hair. Do the next best thing though and show her all kinds of cute things she can do with it HERSELF so she won't depend on BM for the care. I have extremely long hair myself, and wholeheartedly endorse the parting in the middle and combing out on the sides method, a 9 yr old can definitely do that herself, and once she's not depending on BM for it, it'll be better for her psychologically anyway...
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
If her hair is...
bothering you so much, then teach her to groom it. Maybe a trim off the ends would solve the problems. I think that this will make a great bonding experience for you and your SD. How great is it to be both girls bonding in beauty. You could take her to the store for the main purpose of choosing just the perfect comb or brush and shampoo/conditioner or tangle removers, then back to your place for girl bonding. Sounds like she don't get that at BM's.....
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
Bellacita,
I completley understand what you are saying. I'm sick of it to in my own house. SD's BM thinks she and only she should ever have any say in anything! She actually thinks she should make the rules SD will obey in MY home! So funny! But I'm sick of it to.
First and foremost...
I agree with that BOTH parents have a say. I also agree with NOT cutting it behind BM's back. It's a two way street...one parent should not purposely go against the other's wishes. There has to be some sort of compromise.
The two of them need to have a discussion. A respectful discussion that doesn't include any ridicule about the reasons as to why she has decided to keep her daughter's hair so long. If she is adimant, that is her right but there has to be a compromise...like a few inches just to keep it healthy.
What does SD want?
My SD's kept their hair long because THEY wanted it that way. They were also responsible for the upkeep as well. I bought Paul Mitchell's detangler because it works wonderful...I also helped with ponytails.
Now. The two younger ones prefer shorter haircuts. (I have a whole other NEW issue with BM and haircuts...she likes to 'fix' any haircut that I pay for...so I just told her that I thought it was silly to double pay for cuts so from that moment forward, she could just take them) The oldest still has long hair and will only let StepMom Colorado Girl take her to get it cut...so since I don't pay for the younger two, I splurge and her and I both get fabulous haircuts and hi-lites.
My longwinded point. You're probably right behind her reasoning. Unfortunately, regardless of her reasons...her opinion does have merit, she is her mother. But so does your husband and I would think that she would agree to a trim, especially if the reason were only because you want your SD to look nice. Don't engage in the power struggle that your husband's ex-wife is insisting on battling.
I know how hard it is not to be infuriated at times. I also know that impossible feeling of finding a redeeming quality in a person who has so few. But you can't fix what is broken, you can only change how you react to her. A lot of the time I just let her have her way and when she realizes that her demands aren't outright pissing me off...she's a lot more cooperative.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
well said CG as always
when i said get it cut, i meant "a few inches to keep it healthy" and then maybe more later if BM agrees. my problem is, how many of us have BMs that ask our permission when doing anything, so why do the dads have to? i know, i know...bc we are the better persons...but really...!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Cut it off and donate it to Locks of Love.
Better,
The next time the SD is with you and Dad, cut it off and donate it to locks of love. What happens when the kid is with Dad is not the concern of the WombDonor if the SD is being adequately cared for.
We went through a similar issue repeatedly when my SS was a toddler. We would send him to the SpermDonor 85% toilet trained and he would come home in diapers with butt rash so bad that he would have bleeding sores on his rump. The Judge ruled that there was no indication of abuse and if the SpermDonial family chose to put him in diapers as opposed to underwear it was their choice. Fortunately SpermDonial visitation is only three times per year for a total of ~7wks so we were able to eventually get him through their idiot decisions.
Applying the same logic to your situation, if Dad chooses to have the hair cut when the daughter is with him, that is his choice. As far as the WombDonor is concerned, TOUGH CRAP!
If the WombDonor decides to take the issue to court after the fact, invite me to watch from the gallery. I would love to hear the Judge's response to her bitching about your husband providing for his daughter's hygiene.
If the focus is on the best interest of the kid(s), the result will usually turn out OK.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck and best regards,
Your 'answer'..
would cause World War III by my skids' BM.
WombDonor and SpermDonor....
So how do we become 'donors'? Where is that line where I no longer need to respect the wishes of the other parent?
I am a custodial mother of two children and the non-custodial stepparent of three girls. So is my exhusband a 'donor' or is it me? Should he not respect my wishes and since my court order provides me with more decision making responsibility, I can just write him off as insignificant? Or would that make me a WombDonor? Is my husband's ex-wife a WombDonor because she suffers a mental illness that doesn't allow her the capacity to put her children ahead of her own needs? Or is it okay that she completely disregards the wishes of ANYONE whether or not it is the person who 'donated' his sperm.
It is my thought process that it is more productive to respect one another and valiantly attempt to coparent these children instead of engaging in an ongoing battle with the kids taking a front row seat.
But like you, just my thoughts...
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Very Well Said...
I hope that you make a memorable experience with your SD. I have a tendency (i'm constantly working on it) to jump and speak before I have had an opportunity to think things over. I'm glad your getting an abundance of opinions, so that you can make an appropriate descision. Good Luck !!
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
It is about the kids.
Colorado,
I use the term Donor primarily in reference to those "parents" who put themselves before the kids. I have yet to come up with a corresponding "title" for Step Parents beyond Wicked. I have as much or more contempt for the Wickeds than I do for the Donors because as a Step I chose to be my SS's Dad. It is my responsibility to make sure that I am the best Dad to him that I can be and that he understands that regardless of the marital status between his Mom and I that I am his Dad. PERIOD! That said, my Lovely Bride, SS and I just celebrated our 14th anniversary. It is as much his anniversary as it is mine and his Moms. I gave them each a card thanking them for letting me be a Dad. It is the greatest gift I could receive.
As far as to whom (grammar ?) the Donor or Wicked titles belong, you know them when you see them and they know who they are.
On the hair issues that we are all responding to, I got the impression from the original post that the BM was not one to engage in productive discourse with the Bio-Dad. Hence the title WombDonor.
As far as your "It is my thought process that it is more productive to respect one another and valiantly attempt to co-parent these children instead of engaging in an ongoing battle with the kids taking a front row seat." perspective.
I applaud and agree with your perspective and you obviously love and care for all of your kids Step and Bio. I think you are safe from the Donor moniker and it sounds that your DH and XH are safe also.
Believe it or not we also work as much as we can with Bio-Dad and his parents on visitation and issues pertaining to the raising of my SS. Fortunately my wife has always had legal and physical custody while the Sperms have had fairly standard visitation for kids that live farther than 200 mile from non-custodial parents (5wks summer, ~1week Christmas not including the 25th, and all of spring break). We have had plenty of time to guide my SS through post spermdonial visitation detox and done what we can to guide him in to a young adult with solid character. He still has some character issues (mostly inherited from SpermDad) to work through and I am far from a perfect parent. But, hopefully we will work through our issues in to the future as a family.
As far as the Bio-Dad (Gag :sick: :barf:) in our blended family situation, I take the "facts are not good or bad they are just facts" approach. Fact, he has four out of wedlock spawn by three different mothers (two were underage when the kids were born). Fact, he is a statutory rapist whether he has been charged of not. Fact, my wife and I raise his oldest as an only child in our household. Fact,his parents the BPGP's (BioPaternalGrandParents) raise the other three though SpermDad claims custody for the purposes of CS calculation. Fact, the BPGPs have historically paid 100% of the CS for my SS until the moron tried to get his CS lowered and the court invoked payroll withholding for CS which he has done nothing but bitch about ever since. Fact, SpermDad complains regularly to my SS that he does not deserve the nice things that he has any more than his 1/2 siblings do. Fact, SpermDad bitches that he could provide nice things for his other three kids if he did not have to pay CS on my SS. Fact, Sperm spends multiple tens of thousands of $s on a "low rider" that he told the original Judge 14 years ago that he was going to sell because it was a "moniker of his past". And countless other idiot facts tied directly to Sperms idiot decisions since my SS (his oldest) was born.
Above are SOME of the more colorful facts. I will let you make the judgement on the moron's DONOR status. I have already made my judgement on him. He is a SpermDonor and nothing more. As for respect, he has not earned and I don't give him any. I just hold the mirror of the facts in front of him and motivate him to crawl back in to the hole he belongs in. Until he mistakenly thinks he has some angle that will allow him to abandon what little responsibility he takes for his son (my SS). Then I pull out the fact mirror and the whole sad cycle starts all over again.
So, Donor is just a term that I use in reference to inadequate bio parents.
All IMHO of course,
Best regards,
I would have to agree
that in the grand scheme of things that we as Sm's have to worry about, hair length should really be something DH and BM should worry about. Let dad take care of it. If you cut her hair against BM's wishes, you will only incite WWIII as Cg said. We Sm's should make all the best efforts NOT to complicate things further than they already are.
agreed...we SMs should stay out of it
BUT she said that BF wanted to cut it too
and my point is why do the moms have the rite to do whatever they want w the kids but the dads dont? especially when the dad is paying cs and actively involved in the kids life...he shouldnt need permission to take her to get her hair cut.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I think they lay the course...
and we endure the wrath when we say, "hey, it doesn't have to be this way..."
I think it's a 'biased' system. I think that in most situations, one parent(usually BM) has made the majority of the day to day decisions and usually doesn't feel it fair that the right to do so be relinguished simply because the marriage is over. During the relationship, the decision making parent would usually 'inform' the other parent of these decisions with no consequence because it was the norm of the situation.
Things are different after divorce. DH's no longer suffer emotional blackmail because they quit caring about the feelings of BM...BUT the feeling is mutual so hence the feeling of a 'mom' just doing what she wants not taking into consideration the 'dad' and getting irate when he makes a decision without consulting her.
I guess MY point is that I think that BOTH parents should consult each other on any decision that is deemed important. It's obvious that BM feels strongly about the hair length of her daughter....so she should be consulted. Just because it's not important to your or I, doesn't make it any less important to her. My ex NEEDS to be informed when one of my kids is enrolled in a sport and insists on being part of the decision process but didn't want to have any part of the process when I made the decision to have my youngest repeat the first grade. He has deemed what is important and leaves the rest to me. And that is perfectly fine...I respect him and call him when I know he wants to be consulted.
I just don't think it needs to be such a tug-o-war...it needs to be less about a father asking permission but more about consulting the other parent on making a decision as simple as a haircut.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
no i hear ya CG
i think there are more important things to fight over! i just hate when the BM or any custodial makes ALL the decisions, then gets mad at the other parent for trying to. its their rite just as much as yours, ya know? thats what i was trying to say. and it doesnt seem to me like the BM in the OP's case is one who can be reasoned w.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Thanks all but...
I used to have her brush it for the first 10 minutes or so after she got out of the shower just so she could have some interaction with her hair and see that it isn't an easy task. Then I would take over and finish and style it. I did buy her a book of hairstyles from the American Girl collection. She loves the book and we even got one for her American Girl doll, so she likes to choose a hairstyle for herself and then do the same on her doll. But whenever I suggest that she try to style her hair herself she gets very uncomfortable. She suffers from social anxiety which is a whole other issue, but I also notice the same reactions in her when her dad or myself bring up something uncomfortable, including her hair. I have gotten to the point where I try to avoid making her uncomfortable, so I just do her hair and get it overwith. I think if I ever seriously spoke to her about cutting it, she would cry and call BM or something. In the end, I don't want to make it such a tramatic thing like BM has made it into. I try to be lighthearted about it and tell her that hair grows back, but BM thinks her hair is "who she is" and all that crap. By the way, no it is not a religious reason in this case. BM has short hair, I think it is just her way to have control. FSD told me that BM goes in the bathroom when FSD is in the shower and puts the conditioner in for her!! FSD does that all by herself at our house, so I was shocked. I told her "sometimes its hard for moms to let their daughters grow up. She probably wants you to be a little girl forever." FSD said "actually, she still thinks im a baby." Im just at a loss, and so frustrated...
This is a surprisingly good topic
To cut or not to cut. That is the question that brings up so many issues. First. I understand how you feel about not wanting people to think she is your daughter because of her appearance. I struggled with that so much myself. I hated the way BM dressed, and groomed my skids. But I realized that I would be absolutely undone if my daughter was "made over" when she went to her step mom's house. (hypothetical, she doesn't have one, but she spends time with my MIL and I don't always like what goes on over there). I finally just accepted that I couldn't do anything about it. It seemed when I tried a battle would ensue. It was very difficult for me to disengage from my sense of style, good looks etc. and just let them be the kids BM was raising them to be and not make it about me.
But, SD is 9 and I think it is perfectly appropriate to have a conversation with her about her hair and grooming responsibilities etc. (while I was reading your post I thought about a double braid ponytail looped under to look shorter). Maybe she will decide she doesn't like it long and will take the initiative to get BM to cut it. Or at least you can help her take responsibility for it at your house. If BM needs SD to depend on her, fine. She doesn't need to be dependent on you. This is one of those wonderful opportunities to teach your SD a small life lesson without stepping on anyone's toes.
Good luck.