You spanked another person's child? Here's the reality of the situation; you have no legal rights to this child. You share no custody. I won't even say what I think about you "popping" someone else's kid. It would involve a lot of foul language.

Firstly do not "pop his bottom". You are not his parent and from the sounds of the child, he will be quick to run to mommy saying you "beat" him causing you a whole world of trouble with BM or even CPS/DSS/WhateverChildServicesYouHave

As for the rest my SS5 had a very rough Year4. The pediatrician said it is a boundary testing age. When my SS would try to talk back I would send him to his room. If he doesn't go then simply pick him up and lay him in his bed and shut the door behind you. In my opinion sending a child to play in his room alone quietly is hardly a punishment but it tends to be the most efficient one for SS because at 4 and 5 they still crave constant attention. When he's punished, just say "Go to your room" help him there if need be then ignore him. He screams because he wants you to get so frustrated you give in, when my SS would do that I would say nothing but get up and close his door. Sometimes, when he was three, he would get up and open his door then go lay back down and cry again. I would repeat, say nothing and close his door. When you stop reacting to their nonsense, he will realize doing what you say will get him back to doing kid stuff sooner.

Your example of the fetching the drink has me bothered. He talks to you like that because you let him think he can run you around. When he asks you for a drink tell him to get it himself. Encourage him to be self sufficienf. But Capri Suns or dollar drinks and put them in bottom of the frig for the kid to grab his own. You're not his maid so don't respond like one.

If all that still doesn't work then you can also video him. And be sure to tell him about it. Sometimes when SS is in the car being naughty I plug my phone up on my dash and turn the camera on and push record. He can see himself being recorded and he will watch himself pout for a while...I guess to see if he's making a convincing face or not...but when he asks "why" I tell him it's so I can show his dad how he is acting and his dad can decide what kind of punishment SS will get. He usually straightens right up. It's a real mood changer when kids realize it's easier to just behave than manipulate with tears.

The first thing you need to do that child doesn't tell his mother about you hitting him. If that were my child, I would not rest until I got my hands on you.

Why is your ss so different from other kids you've raised at a similar age? I am a little confused. Is it just that he acts out more for you than his father? Also, does his father back you up in front of the child?

In my experience, skids, no matter how good a time they've had when they're with us for a short or long time, begin pulling away when they know they're going back to BM. Once my skids came and she had been completely awful to them before they got here....they spent probably a week with us while she was off who knows where....she called a few times while they were here and made them cry...and the morning they went back to her, they still pulled away. That was the last time I cried over them and their behavior because I realized at that point that there is just nothing stronger than biology.

Regarding the "popping"- nut job BMs will accuse you of beating their child(ren), even if they hit them all the time. "Popping" sounds to me like a little tap on the bottom to get attention, not a wallop...if it was even that, that's enough. Don't assume that anything rational can ever come from your trying to teach your skid anything. All will be blown out of proportion, all will be misconstrued. Let their dad handle all that. In the meantime, keep on keepin' on!!

Assuming '72 is her birth year, OP is a year younger than me. Ironically, I started over at that age too and have a 3 year old. So yeah, there's a mathematical problem sandwiched in there that can be solved. Ha!

You don't get to pop his bottom. He's not your kid and you've got a steep learning curve ahead of you.

oh dear - why do you want to meet BM - this woman is nothing to you... do not engage with her.... no meets and no phone or text or anything, she can only talk to DH..

secondly... if SS is super lovey when his Dad is not around and a brat when his Dad is around, remember it, when you are alone with him again, ignore him... if he's lovey simply tell him... SS this is not going to work, either you treat me nice all the time or bad all the time, you can't be one way today and another way tomorrow, so untill you decided to treat me nice I'm not going to treat you nice again.

SS is old enough to understand.... then if he treats you bad when DH is around, smile and said, SS I see you have decided to treat me bad from now on.....

kid is young he feels DH will be angry at him if he shows you love and affection, DH can help with this and be a better parent and tell SS stop this now..

I'm not getting into the great spanking debate.... but was your DH there or not for this popping incident? If he was there.. why in the world is HE not taking care of the 4 year old behavior? If he wasn't there then so be it, you popped him, it's over and done with, but my land woman! Probably not a good idea, especially given that BM refuses to meet you,which makes me think she has no use for you, which means if she finds out you're popping her son, there's going to be a nuclear holocaust with your name on it.

And why do you care to meet BM?? I'd be happy if I never met, talked to, saw BM. EVER.