I am soooooo happy I found this forum!!
Been together almost 3 years, and are planning on moving in together this summer. Currently we live in different cities an hour's distance from each other, and I will be moving to his town. The problem? I really don't like his kids, and I really really disagree with his parenting style. We both have teens (mine 17 and 20, his 13, 16 and 19), mine have always lived with me as their BD has a new family and very little contact with them, and his oldest lives with him, the 2 younger ones sleep over half the week and pop in whenever they wan to (their BM lives a few blocks away).Our kids have only met a few times, and their reaction to our living together announcement ranged from ambivalent to outright objection (his middle one).
At this point, I'd rather not live with him, and would prefer to rent a place real close to him - he's also renting, so it's not too much of an issue. The problem is - How do i tell him this without saying straight out that I don't want to subject myself or my kids to living with his spoiled brats?
OMG, I can't believe I just admitted that "out loud"!!!!
Ok firstly if you are already
Ok firstly if you are already aware that you disagree massively with his parenting style then yes I would totally support the idea of you moving closer but not in together. You have two children of your own who are very similar in ages to his, if your parenting styles are nothing alike then this is just going to be a huge recipe for trouble. Particularly if you are already feeling this way.
Trouble can always be worked on and sometimes solved but only if both parties can identify and effectively work to change their behaviour that influences the issue. If you are not both on the same page its hard enough to become a blended family, but when you add teenagers to the mix its just nasty.
If you are able to financially support yourself in moving and renting then by all means go ahead and do so. You have a child who is now 20 and as far as the law is concerned is an adult, he has a 19 year old living with him, do either of them have any plans to be moving out for their own independence? I ask because if not you cant even look at the arrangement as being a short term thing.
Living closer but apart really does have its merits, particularly given the ages of all involved. Sure you can still see one another as and when you wish but it gives both you and your children your own space and allows him the same.
So many partners on this site
So many partners on this site would wish they could turn back the clock and be in your shoes again. Look through old posts and seek out those from parents like you who are still living separately, waiting for the nest(s) to be empty so that they can then start a new place and life together with so much less baggage. You'll see how comparatively content they are as compared to the rest of us. They love their dinner dates and such with the skids whom they can then part from on friendly terms after a short burst of fun. Oh, the dream of a place that you set up together with no keys handed out to the kids that you have to claim back, no territory that they automatically consider theirs and want to fight to retain, no private memories for them or you that each party unwittingly treads on! Where the financial commitments are shared but not with the kids except by prior agreement! Stay separated for as long as it takes to get them all sorted out and independent and then you will have nil resentment or obstructions to your dreams together. And looking at some of the bioparents we see who subconsciously keep their child dependent and at home in order to make up for their past guilt or problems in their marital relationship...(with the BM or the SM)... this is so common and somehow the need in the guilty parent to do that gets stronger the more bitter the effect on the stepparent of the sick relationship... if your partner could be one of these in future, you are both rescuing him from that fate by giving him a motive to encourage his kids to grow up and get out into the world -- for the reward of living with you. And if he becomes that nevertheless -- well, easier for you to light out.
STAY SEPARATE for the time being -- you have more than half your lives left to enjoy later. Just tell your man that you know in your bones it will work out better that way and if he really wants an intimate marriage when he is older and going on into old age, this is the way to go. You don't even need to criticise his parenting style that way -- it just remains irrelevant.