Kicked Out Teen SS
Update from Summer (Stepson is Ruining my Life)
SS is 17 years old, has had issues with drugs and police, almost expelled from school a few years ago. A few months ago he bit my 4 year old BS. DH made excuses for SS, SS has never had a consequence from either one of his parents which is why he is such an antisocial monster in the first place. I accepted all of the other problems, I drew the line at my son being bit on purpose. Despite DH’s wishes to ignore everything and just “help” his delinquent son instead of punishing him, I kicked SS out. I told DH to get an apartment for the two nights a week that he has SS. DH agreed to it, but has been mad at me for months because of it. I made stipulation that if SS went to counseling, quit drugs, and actually passed his classes with a C or higher (he constantly fails or nearly fails most of his classes, has been doing it since 6th grade because he doesn’t like female teachers) then he can come home because making those changes would show some desire to be part of a functioning family. He quit counseling because he was “too smart” for the counselor and got three D’s on his report card. I told DH we can try again next quarter, which just ended last week. SS still isn’t in counseling and a few weeks ago his own mother tried to kick him out of her house because they got in an argument. She called my DH and started yelling loud enough for me to hear through the phone “Come get your son. He is yelling ‘f##k you’ and telling me to suck his d##k”. I then hear SS screaming in the background. My DH couldn’t even downplay that, I heard it myself. Needless to say, we did not spend Christmas together. His children (20 yo, 17 yo, and 15 yo) did not come to our house and did not see my 7 yo and 4 yo. At this point I think it is better to keep them seperated. We got married two years ago, together for four. His kids have always been jealous and hateful to my little ones. Their BM is batshit crazy and those kids grew up with unstable finances because she could never hold down a job. My kids have an idyllic childhood. After the latest fight with BM, DH went to her house to convince her not to kick out her son, so she changed her mind (for now). I then told my husband that I am done paying for the dysfunction he and his ex created and that my kids are not going to pay for it either. I told him there will be no drama in this house and that SS is not welcome anymore, at all. That I am not getting divorced just because his ex wife and kids are trying to ruin our lives. Is that a reasonable response? What are my other options? Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you handle it?
Comments
Good for you!
My experience isn’t the same as yours and I’m going through problems myself and only joint this site yesterday.
But your doing the right thing!
I don’t even like it when my step son speaks down to my daughter. And if he ever dared to put his hands on her I’d go insane and he’d never be allowed in my house ever again and my partner would have to except that.
Don’t go back on your choice and your husband needs to lump it or like it.
When safety is a issue all
When safety is a issue all prior agreements are in the trash. I totally agree understand AND agree that your children do not need this chaos anymore.
No doubt that you entered into your marriage with pure intentions. Sometimes we make mistakes, BIG mistakes. Your kids are top priority and you are too.
Yours is not the first family with major concerns like safety. Some kids do it as part of targeting a family where alienation is occurring, by bio mom. Goal of alienator zero contact with ncp ie dad in your home. At your stage, Usually the kids are in their early teens when bm can no longer get to NCP-Dad...so her kids take over. Hurting new family young kids is unfortunately not unheard of. . Of course it is always an accident OR the other kids fault... Hurting or killing the family pet is another. Causing complete chaos during visitation IF they come at all...stealing, breaking heirlooms, vandalizing---you name it it happens.
Everyone has a right to feel safe and at peace in their own home. Protect your young kids---it is your parental obligation TO protect them. Dad can figure out what ever he needs to outside the home ...
Before your ss turns 18 he should be in a 6month long + placement for young men who need a turn around. Next thing will be he is locked up for something.
PROTECT YOUR KIDS AND YOUR HOME.
So sorry to read abou tthis...but remember your not alone, ok?
Thank you. Most of the time
Thank you. Most of the time I feel alone on this one. It isn’t something I can talk about to many people and people who have never been divorced or in a blended family do not understand. The part you mentioned about the kids wreaking havoc because BM can’t get to their dad anymore makes sense. The kids are at ages where they drive themselves here, so BM lost that point of contact. When SD, 20, used to come to the house, she would steal my stuff. It was little things: my favorite nail polish, a pair of shoes, my shampoo. But she was 19 when she did it and old enough to know better. She would come over only when she needed my DH to work on her car or if he had a birthday, Christmas, etc. gift. His sons would come over and sit in the basement on their phones. SS 17 would tease my kids, refuse to share candy with them, and mess with their toys. There were several times he wrapped all the swings on our play set around the top post so my kids couldn’t swing. I had to climb up and unwrap them. I told DH about it, said it was really hateful. DH blew it off as “big brother stuff”. A couple weeks later, SS bit my four year old.
You are handling this
You are handling this situation perfectly. You are a great example to others reading on this site - strength, determination, unwavering, logical, smart, protectionist, etc... Keep it up!!!
THANK YOU. It has not been
THANK YOU. It has not been easy. I never imagined this is what my life would look like. I would never be able to forgive myself if I let SS back home and he did something else to my kids. I’ve been divorced before and I will do it again if I have to.
It sounds like the kid needs
It sounds like the kid needs major help and parenting that neither parent is giving him. He is being ping ponged between two parents who don't want to put any effort into discipling/teaching him. Unfortunately his behavior is unsafe and he cannot live in your home with your kids, that is reasonable and fair to you and your children. On the other hand DH is responsible for his son until his is 18 or out of high school depending on your states laws. DH needs to get on take action now or he will soon be visiting his darling in jail or prison.
Yes, he needs major help. No,
Yes, he needs major help. No, he’s not getting it. He turns 18 in May. I thought kicking him out would be a wake up call. I set a very simple, clear cut list of criteria for him to come home (get counseling, no drugs, no bad grades, no more calls from cops/school/etc). He hasn’t even tried. I think it is too late for effective help. He has gone almost 18 years with little to no real parenting. I think you’re right to say he’ll probably end up in jail. And even then, his dad will make excuses for him.
His parents might be
His parents might be responsible until he turns 18 but if he is THAT violent and out of control he belongs in juvie or in a group home. Nobody should have to put up with unsafe behavior and abuse. Family or not.
You must step back
A 17 yo biting a 4 yo ? How sick is that ? How can you trust a person like that in your home ? Then your DH does nothing about it . Except gets upset because you band SS from your home . Your first problem is your DH, for being in a world of his own, not protecting his 4 yo. SS needs perfessional help and not getting it, DH again. It’s just easier to blame BM then to do something. Save your money in a separate account so DH does not take it for lawer fees for SS.
Once again you can not do more then birth parents.
I blame DH as much as I blame
I blame DH as much as I blame BM. He has “parented” with guilt, fear, and denial because he was always worried his kids would pick their mom instead of him because BM has NO rules at her house, so DH barely has rules.
I agree, DH and BM made the mess. The kids were practically grown when we met. Not my circus, not my monkeys. I should have paid more attention to his kids’ red flags instead of believing him. By the time I realized he was in complete denial about what kind of people his kids are, we were already married.