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Upset.and Miserable

Tattmama's picture

Submitted by Tattmama on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 8:51pm

:sick:
Hi everyone...This is my first time posting.
I am a 22 year old mother of one and a stepmom to Three kids.
I met my husband when I was 18. and we have been married for 3 years, but he is so what older than me and has 3 kids 18 14 3. :jawdrop: I know. But I love him very much. When we met I didn't care how old he was I just new that I loved him. My problem is not with him of course, but Its with 14yr old daughter. "S" is 14 and Out of control. She hates me and dresses like a Prostitot. I love her, but I hate her sometimes. She constantly tattleds to My husband her dad about stuff I say even as far as making things up and telling him that. Today "S" crossed the line. My husband and I have a 16 month old daughter together. "S" lives with grandma and grandpa because she hates me and her dad. But anyways. I was on the way to a therapy appointment. As I was talking to the driver. " The babysitter that g-ma hired" "S" mad horrible faces and mean comments. About 25 mins later while in my appointment she calls Daddy. Bitched him out and cursed at him about things I said. which I didn't say anything bad or rude. I simply said that my husband and I got a camera and we went to Holyoke and I test drove a car about 3 months ago and daycare options for my littlest. She called daddy and said How dare I drive someone elses care oh did you know that she is going to by a camera. and how dare she pick a daycare on and on btw my husband is a Tattoo artist and his clients heard the convo. I am getting sick and tired of dealing with her and contemplating leaving my husband because of her. At the end of my ROPE I need so advice to take control of this spoiled teenager....

Comments

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 8:56pm

You're 22 and she's 14. That in itself is a sign that she's going to challenge you.

Some advice: disengage from her, as in let your DH step up to handle her all on his own. She needs that and so does he. Insist your husband get her counseling. If your profile picture is you or anyone you know, change it asap because you don't want someone who knows you to read this and identify you.

Tattmama's picture

Submitted by Tattmama on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 9:01pm

I have tried. my husband is to afraid to hurt her feelings or make her upset to do anything.

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 9:34pm

It's usually pre-teen/early teen daughter who has had daddy to herself for a while, and she has grown comfortable in the role of lady of the house.

He may have elevated her to adult status (as in my case) to where she became the other decision maker in the house, the trusted partner, confidante etc.

She *thinks* she is the woman in daddy's life and gets heartily pissed off when he actually finds a REAL woman to repartner with.

She tends to shove between daddy and new wife - is overtly affectionate with daddy (in my case she liked to take my spot in our bed when I got out - naked daddy to snuggle with blerk!) Is always trying to insert herself and her opinions in any conversations, tries to make the family plans with daddy, always always always goes against what the SM wants, thinks, believes.

Tattmama's picture

Submitted by Tattmama on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 9:13pm

I don't feel like I am being immature about the situation I am overwhelmed and confused. I backed way off. I haven't talked to her in over 2 months mainly because of work, but thats what my therapist advised and I had no idea she was going to be in the car when I went to open the door of my house and she was literally stepping on my toes as soon as the door opened. I am not trying to be anything anymore than My husbands wife.

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 9:31pm

Anyone that knows me and electronics knows that when I take them away, it's with a big BANG!

Sorry, am literally rolling on the floor at that.... yes, and I give you a standing ovation for that dtzy I thought it was perfect - LMAO

But on a serious note, I agree with you,

Daddy here needs to step up and put the kid in her place again, HE needs to make sure she understands that HIS WIFE is an adult and is a level ABOVE his daughter and she is way out of line.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 11:39pm

"Daughter, I love you, you are my daughter and that will never change. However, you will no longer talk badly about MY WIFE to me. You will no longer TATTLE to me about MY WIFE. She is my wife, she is not going anywhere, and while you don't have to love her or like her, you will be respectful to and about her, or you will start getting consequences for your actions. You will be nice to her, you will stop the attitude and sassy mouth bullshit, or you will get grounded to your room young lady to watch the paint peel. GOT IT? GET IT? GOOD!"

I agree with you on this part. I think Dad's saying this to his daughter is a great start. But he might also want to take it a step further. My dad pretty much said something somewhat similar to me when I was 8. My stepmother was 20. He also decided to help me learn other, healthier ways of dealing with my anger and resentment- I hope the OPs DH does too. He and my mom decided to get me in to see my school psychologist every week (we could not afford counseling). That helped me out tremendously. Resentment should never fester in anyone for a long period of time- that's not healthy for anyone. This girl sounds very angry and resentful. Maybe dad could enlist the help of a counselor who works with troubled, angry teens and take SD to see that person.

This kid (and many others) need to learn other, healthier ways of dealing with these $hitty situations, and their strong emotions.

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 9:33pm

If the 14yr old is living with her grandparents {because she dislikes you and her father)I guess I don't quite understand why it's your place to have to get the obnoxious teen under control. If she's not living in your home and your Dh won't attempt to get her in line, how'd it become your duty?

With the same age difference between SD and you, she isn't going to listen to you as an adult authority figure and with her living with grandparents she isn't going to think you get much say regardless of your age. She's not going to consider it any of your business how she dresses or how she behaves.

Whatever needs to happen to bring the girl under control is going to have to come from the grandparents or preferably from her father. I take it she doesn't listen to her grandparents either? Stop fighting with the girl over the phone/text. Go so far as block her from your phone. You're a busy mom with a little and a toddler stepdaughter you're caring for. Let her grandparents and father deal with the older girl. Your Dh also needs to shut the girl down during his business hours. Unless it's an emergency, whatever the girl is whining/b*tching about can wait until after Dad closes up work for the day.

While your DH may be afraid of upsetting the girl and/or hurting her feelings, at some point Dad is going to realize it is his job as parent to crack down on the girl. She needs guidance and rules and expectations at this difficult teen years stage. He'll have to make the decision to act as the parent and not the friend and/or guilty Daddy role. This girl's future depends on him standing up and doing what all kids this age need, being a parent and making hard parental decisions and actions.

Tattmama's picture

Submitted by Tattmama on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 10:13pm

just to clarify a little the toddler is my bio with my husband. "S" lives with grandparents because of them./US They are very controlling and convinced my husband to sign over guardianship to them. They are very controlling. I know we need to push them off, but they have made almost impossible to even live. We moved to Mass from indiana and they helped us. and now we basically are there slaves. Hate it so much trying to push them out. Guaranteed they would probably file a custody thing if we tried to move back to indiana. I mean its screwed up. But my husband is a recovering alcoholic, which is why S hates him. And why G & G what to control everything.

But I totally agree with you. He does need to. He did once and everything got hellish. So its difficult.

G&G let her do whatever she wants.. which is what cause some stirring today. The client saw S and asked who that was and we told her it was his daughter the client then said she needs to put some damn clothes on. exact words right there. It was truly the most embarrassing thing ever. on top of the fact she hiked up her skirt in front of a 32 year old man. I was horrified. And Hubby was too.