Anyone have nice skids that you still can't stand? Feeling terrible :/
SS4 is a sweetie. He is polite, does what he's told, never has tantrums, never tries to play off BM and DH against eachother, is gentle and loving with DD12months and myself, and is just generally an absolutely *lovely* child.
He is so clever and funny too, just an absolute sweetheart. I can see that. I can see he's an awesome kid.
But he annoys me so much!! This feeling only started around 9 months ago, and I can't shake it, no matter how many times I try to tell myself that this kid is a great kid! (and he IS a great kid)
I find myself dreading the weekends. I just get so frustrated with everything he says, asks, or does, and I just really. really. don't enjoy being around him.
I feel terrible about it, as other step parents on here have genuine reason to dislike their skids, some sound awful!
I have never outwardly shown this change in my feelings towards SS, I think he might be able to sense it (which again, I feel terrible about) but I've always maintained talking to him, playing games with him, returning his hugs and telling him what a lovely boy he is, how good he's been today, etc etc, only difference is that nowadays I just grit my teeth while doing all these things
Is there anyone out there in my situation? Or am I the only one that has a nice skid I can't stand :/
Any advice on how I can *enjoy* this lovely child rather than dread him?
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Try to remind yourself that
Try to remind yourself that he's not his BM. A lot of people (myself included) have let their feelings for BM impact how they feel about their step kids (sometimes subconsciously). Try to make an effort to not do that.
really good advice, and I
really good advice, and I think that's exactly what's happening. But, I can't seem to forget that when SS is here with us, we have to watch everything we say in case it's repeated to BM.
In Ripleys wise words: we have a sweet BM soldier in our house every weekend.
I don't know if this can be fixed, or if I'm just doomed to annoyance forever. The thing that scares me is that SS will start to be an *actual* nightmare, rather than being the gorgeous child he is.
I feel like such an idiot being annoyed by him, he is so well behaved and just lovely, what it's gona be like when he hits teen years and is a nightmare?!!
aaaaaaargh
DD and I can head out for the
DD and I can head out for the day if we wanted, (DH is always here when SS is) and we have done in the past. BUT it's kinda hard work staying out for the whole weekend :/
He is not his mother. You are
He is not his mother. You are not his mother.
You say this feeling came about 9 mths ago when co-incidentally your daughter was 3 mths old and starting to interact with her environment.
Time for a mind-flip... you are a role model. You will have a positive impact on his life. You are like Auntie Mame (look up the movie with Rosalind Russell - Mame) or Mary Poppins... firm but fair.
No one says you have to love your skids like your own. That is impossible. Accept this as a fact. My DH says he loves my kids like his own. I don't have the heart to tell him I do not feel that same about his boys. I CARE about them, I love them like I love my nephews. But like my own sons? No. Sometimes I think he loves my kids more than I do!
As he is a boy-child encourage your DH to spend man-time with him. When he comes in to show you something he and his Dad did respond with something like "Wow! You must have had so much fun with Daddy!"
And maybe find something he likes that you like. Jigsaw puzzles. Pixar movies. This little boy is your daughters half brother. remember you have to love him at least half because he has 1/2 your daughters genes.
maybe you're right, DD's
Did something happen 9mths
Did something happen 9mths ago when this started? Maybe you should address that... I agree with above though, kids can be annoying at times - even when they're your own, but when they're someone else's...it's harder to be patient. Just remind yourself what you told us here, take breaks and get out with your DD when you need to, and I read a post on here once where the comment was "Pretend they're your best friend's kid.." you don't have to treat them like your own to enjoy them and play with them. Take a step back and look at yourself...because you didn't always feel that way.
thankyou Miss Elpha, really
thankyou Miss Elpha, really wise words x ..you kinda nailed it with everything you said. It was when SS started to really speak properly, and say things about me to BM that were untrue. I have felt like I can't speak freely in my own home ever since. here is my blog from where the dislike of SS started.. any advice? :/
http://www.steptalk.org/node/182755
If you want BM to know
If you want BM to know nothing about your life you should not have the child around at all. The thing is this boy lives in 2 worlds. Hos mothers and his fathers. He will tlak about both homes because this is normal.
I get you don't want BM to know about your life and finances and plans. Who does? But what happens if she DOES know? How will that impact on your life? Marriage plans do not need to be broadcast. But vacation plans can be openly discussed. without set dates. "You know, I think we could go to the lake this coming summer..." " Well the car is getting old and breaking down more. Do we want a van or SUV?"
However if you wish to not allow anything to get back to BM then you may want to only see the boy away form your home and for minimal interaction. Because as he gets older he will talk more about both homes.
My SO's daughter is 10 and
My SO's daughter is 10 and she lies incessantly ... but it's not necessarily all her fault, and I say that because she has been rewarded for telling her mother things that aren't true about us/our family/our lives etc... We found out recently how her mother twists things and bends things to make her feel bad if she's happy about anything with us - so she's learned that having a bad time with us or making up bad stories is going to get her more attention at BM's. That being said, it doesn't make it any easier or any better, she's still lying. The only thing YOU can do is reward good behavior (ie. truth telling) and generalize the things you say in front of him. If he's saying things to her that aren't true, it won't really matter what you say in front of him...he's going to twist it anyway. It's a shame, but it's BM's bad habit that's being enforced. You just have to jump over it and decide it's not going to intrude on your life. Be the better person, you know he's not doing it to purposely hurt you or mess things up for you...he probably got a treat from BM.
I feel you. My SKids aren't
I feel you. My SKids aren't as horrific as many on here. The oldest had some rough years, but nothing they ever did was malicious. Just normal difficult miserable teen stuff.
That said, I don't like them. I certainly don't love them and I really kind of don't even like them. The oldest and youngest especially. Just soulless, self absorbed, materialistic, self important morons who like to hear themselves talk and think they are AWESOME.
So yeah, I feel you. My guess is, it took having a child of your own to realize what you *thought* was adoring the SKid didn't hold a candle to how you would feel about your own child. I'm just guessing, I don't have any bios. But when I see the magical gleam in DH's eyes as he glows over the fact that his SKid somehow remembered to breath today I know that there must be some sort of magic in the love of a bio child. Because I don't see it.
you're right I know that I
you're right I know that I don't love SS like I love DD.
but.. how am I pushing SS out of his dad's life? :/
Yeah, I don't understand the
Yeah, I don't understand the logic behind that either. Anyone who did that would be a horrible father.
direct quote from my original
direct quote from my original post:
"I've always maintained talking to him, playing games with him, returning his hugs and telling him what a lovely boy he is, how good he's been today, etc etc"
I really don't see what you're saying.
sooo.. first, I'm pushing SS
sooo.. first, I'm pushing SS out of his dad's life. Then I'm not hugging him. Then when I point out that I *do* hug him, you point out that I said SS *MIGHT* be able to sense it. MIGHT.
yes I'm worried in case he senses my dislike for him, and I'm well aware that could cause problems with MINE AND SS's relationship in the future. (not related to DH's relationship with SS)
That's why I posted this, to see if I could get some CONSTRUCTIVE ADVICE from anyone that has gone through anything similar.
How I feel about SS has NOTHING to do with his dad, who may I add loves both children equally and hugs both an equal amount. but..
jeesuz HRNYC, I've seen you let rip on plenty other STalkers, with no real advice at all.
Do you have any actual advice or are you just stirring s**t as usual?
If it's the latter, then just back the fk off my post, I'm not in mood for your s**t today.
an hour and a half ago, I
an hour and a half ago, I responded to your original comment by saying "you're right I know that I don't love SS like I love DD" I had already *accepted the reality* of that. Other than pointing out what I knew already, I really don't see how you've helped at all.
as always, you are being
as always, you are being ridiculously impossible HRNYC *shakes head*
My SD23 was also not a bad
My SD23 was also not a bad kid at all. It was the whole situation that annoyed me and the situation was not her fault.
I just had to get to a level of acceptance. She was DH's kid, he loved her, she was not a disrespectful little brat (that came later) and we knew from the get go not to say anything of importance in front of her, not that that always keeps them from talking and repeating things that they THINK they've heard.
It wasn't easy but I came to not dread the weekends we had her (vodka helped) and I was really relieved when it was time for her to go home but I didn't hate her or even dislike her. I just wished she didn't exist; that the situation didn't exist. But it did so I learned to accept it. And I dreamt about the day CS ended, contact with BM ended, and visitation ended.
It really helped that DH was a very hands on dad. I didn't have to do anything for SD, I mean, nothing.
I feel like you and I are in
I feel like you and I are in similar situations. My SD6 is a good kid for the most part. I dislike having her around but it isn't because of her personality or her behaviour. It's a combination of my husband's crappy parenting and his expectations of what my role should be in SD's life, along with a lot of animosity from BM and GBM.
My SD also betrayed me like your SS did by telling BM too many things about our lives and embellishing stories to make it sound like we're horrible people. The big problem that came from this is that BM and GBM take everything SD says to BM's lawyer and accuse my husband and I of doing terrible things. It's because of this that I don't want SD around. We don't have anything to hide, but these normal everyday things are being taken out of context to make it seem like we've done something wrong. My husband won't do anything to combat it (either legally or simply by talking to SD to tell her what she's doing is wrong) so I've been having a really hard time on SD weekends.
So yeah, my SD is a nice enough kid in general when she's here. But I don't trust her at all and because of that I don't like having her here.
luckily my DH is no Disney
luckily my DH is no Disney dad, and disciplines SS with love and patience, (when I say discipline there is no hitting the kid involved, just firm parenting and teaching manners etc) and DH fully understands my point of view with regards to watching SS myself (DH never leaves me to watch SS, it's all him). BUT I totally get you with the whole everyday things being taken out of context thing.. I think it's totally a trust thing, I don't trust that I can say whatever I like and SS won't repeat it to BM, so I just don't say anything. Why is it US that have to remain silent, I think it should be the *skids* that have a mute button lol
So sorry your skids suck but
So sorry your skids suck
but this is the whole point of my post, I just have to get my head round having a lovely child in my life! Appreciate him and *like* having him around! I feel so stupid that he's a lovely kid, and I still can't stand him ![Sad](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/sad.gif)
My two cents, for what it's
My two cents, for what it's worth, come from the perspective of a realization I've just recently had in my life. Is it possible, that your frustration actually stems from your husband's treatment of your stepson? By that, what I mean is, does your husband treat your stepson as though he were special? Particularly since your child was born? Are you quietly wishing that he would speak up more and correct your stepson? Or are you vocally asking him to step up more and he isn't doing it? Does your husband's family dote on your stepson as though he were an amazing creature just by breathing?
I didn't realize that I was married to a Disney dad until recently, and upon reflection I can tell you that so many issues where I felt frustration and anger towards my stepchildren, had quite a bit more to do with their father's behaviour towards them and the situation than I realized. Just a thought…
Thankyou for your thoughts,
Thankyou for your thoughts, but, DH doesn't treat the kids differently, he is very strict with SS in regards to manners and being well behaved.
DH is always right there "on it" and correcting SS's bad behaviour. Which is rare, he really is a good kid. I have no reason to find him annoying, that's what I'm finding so ridiculous about my feelings towards him, I wanted to try and figure this out which is the reason for putting my thoughts out here :/
DH's family don't treat SS like a miracle child either, neither does my family, it's all equal with regards to treating the kids like.. well, kids! and not royalty lol
I have more or less the same
I have more or less the same issue with Ss7: he's polite, smart and loving ...too loving! He's so clingy that craves attention ALL the time and does nothing by himself.
He's always telling me how much he loves me and he's actually a great kid; we get along fine, but I must admit I feel like a lousy person, as I don't enjoy the time we spend together. The problem is that when he's at home, I become invisible: DH is focused on his son and I just don't exist. I should be happy to participate in Ss activities, but I long for grown up stuff and not for watching Lazy Town on TV.
I'm having a really hard time, have mixed emotions and should seek professional help to help me cope. If you are not at this stage yet, I advise you to disengage when you Ss is @ your place: go shopping, get a facial done, gardening, tidy your place, anything!
If you are alone with you hubby longer than you have SS staying with you, grab a calendar and signal the days alone with a bright color. Place it in plain sight; maybe it will help you realize you have more time with hubby than he has with his BS and it will mellow you down. Good luck!
that's the thing though, my
that's the thing though, my DH is no way a Disney dad, when SS is here, I'm still the queen of DH's heart. SS gets the right amount of attention to be a happy child, but I still find SS intolerable. I have no feelings of being left out or anything. I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel so stupid for disliking this lovely child
I think I'm going to try what someone else said, pretending SS is my best friends child. I'll see how that goes for a while..
Please don't take offense,
Please don't take offense, but have you tried a psychologist? Am thinking about seeing one myself... It is killing me not being able to take any joy from whatever SS does, as nice as it might be. It's not the kid's fault DH couldn't balance our relationship as a family.
your comment made me cry
your comment made me cry aswang, believe me, after reading so many stories on STalk I *know* I am blessed to have such a good skid, and a DH that keeps SS in line.
I do not want to disengage from SS, I want I learn how to cope with him. I know that sounds ridiculous as he doesn't cause any drama or upset, he's a lovely child. I just. Can't figure out how to *be* with him in a way that feels natural/ comfortable.
I just feel so guilty, terrible and stupid for not enjoying SS's precense.
I so desperately want SS to feel that I love him, but I feel I am seperating myself from him more and more as he gets older..
almost as if I'm emotionally protecting myself from him in some way. I feel lost right now.
thankyou aswang, I'll try and
thankyou aswang, I'll try and enjoy the good years while he's still small and kinda cute!
I've been saying to DH since SS was a few months old "I'm dreading the teen years!" I knooow the worst is yet to come! I just wanted to get my feelings for SS in check before that happens :/
oh, and there's no way I'd ever damage SS's self esteem, if anything, he gets so many "good boy" "good job" "you're so clever!" from me that his self esteem will blow through the roof lol!
I hope I'll sort my emotions out soon, here's hoping :/