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when is enough, enough?

sugarbear01's picture

Submitted by sugarbear01 on Sat, 04/14/2007 - 1:06pm

I am new to this site and need some advice. By the way I am not up to speed on all the abbreviations so please be patient. To make it short and sweet, here it goes....
I have been married to my husband a year and with him for almost 2. He has a 5 1/2 old son and we have an almost 1 year old daughter. He SPOILES his son to no end becuase of guilt. He says he never gets to see him and he does not want to spend all of his time telling him no. His son is only getting worse. Says put down that baby and play with me, you never play with me. Or give that baby to your wife so you can play with me. My husband NEVER gets to hold our daughter and she gets (supposedly accidentaly but very intentional in my eyes) kicked by his son when she crawls near her father. She almost unplugged a cord the other day and my husband only said, no, he tried to get up but his son went and sat on his lap so he just proceeded to sit there and say no. My husbands ex allowed him to get a mohawk, take karate lessons even after many times of getting in trouble for hitting other kids. He is becoming unruly and no one will do anything. When I try to disipline my husband does not back me up or just rolls his eyes at me. My husband sees his son every other weekend from Friday - Monday and every Wednesday night -Thursday morning. There are many and I do mean many days he does not see his daugther (who lives with him) becuase he is working late to be able to take off the weekends to be with his son. He spends hundres of dollars taking out his son to do ANYTHING he wants and questions me on every dime I spend on our daughter. She is wearing old clothes and playing with toys she had since birth becuase I don't want to hear him yell about money. I am so fed up and hurt I do not know what to do. I am at my wits end. My father did this to me with my sister and I will not let it happen to our dauther. My final straw is it is our daughters first birthday and we are going back home to celebrate. He at the last minute told me his son was coming. I feel it is my daughters weekend to shine and she won't be able to because of his spoiled son trying to take center attention. He did this when she was first born. I was so lost and did not know how to handle a new born and he left me to go get his son two days after his daughter was born. Of course he could not spend time with his new daughter because his son would not have any part of it. I know he is used to sharing the spotlight because he has a sister at home too. I will speak up this time but if it does no good (as the other talks for the last 2 years) I am debating filing divorce. Please give advice and input, am I being unreasonable or selfish? Sorry this was so long and any adivce is greatly apprciated.

Comments

Little Jo's picture

Submitted by Little Jo on Sat, 04/14/2007 - 1:49pm

You are not being selfish at all. Your girl is only 1. If you don't nip this shit in the bud now, she will be in for a life sentence of being nectlected. Your husband needs to grow a set of balls and accept that he has two children. That spoiled little brat of his needs to learn the world does not revolve around him. Set some new guidelines. Make sure you do things as a family, which means everyone is included. Sit down talk out your feelings even with SD5=(Step son who is 5 years old).

Sorry for what you are dealing with.
Best wishes, hope I wasn't to harsh. Jo

septembers_child's picture

Submitted by septembers_child on Sat, 04/14/2007 - 6:31pm

Yepper, this was my step daughter when I first meet DH...Everything was always all about HER...I agree with Little Jo completely...DH is creating a monster and the brat will only become worse the older he gets..Trust me on that one..

When my husband bought me my basset hound.. Step brat used to do things to the dog to hurt him or get him into trouble...She even went so far to go in and piss on the bathroom floor and tried to blame it on the dog!! I know the difference between the smell of human or dog piss! She was jealous of the dog because he was sooo cute and getting all the attention..Little miss Prima Donna Princess didn't want to share the attention or lime light..

To this day, my sweet basset hound doesn't like her and will growl at her if she gets to close to him..My husband, at one point, told me that I would have to "get rid of my dog" if he didn't stop growling at his Princess..I told him that I would have to "get rid of his daughter" if she didn't stop being mean to MY dog, which is the reason the dog doesn't like her and growls at her in the first place!
She was the problem..Not the dog!!

She was jealous of her little brother after he was born also..But I think she knew that if she ever did anything to intentionally hurt him she would be living in a car with her BM...

laughterandtears's picture

Submitted by laughterandtears on Sat, 04/14/2007 - 2:20pm

Our son is only 9 months old and my oldest SS (step son) used to do mean things to him so that he (SS) would get attention. The SS has to have all the attention all the time and acts up alot when we don't give it. I don't know if this will help or not, but I arranged to have him put in a treatment home for youths. He went for 6 months and now is better. He live with us full time, but in you case, I would simply tell my H (husband), "that's it, either you put a stop to this, or I will, and by that I mean I will be leaving and then you can feel guilty about 2 kids. Maybe then you'll spend a little time with your daughter." Good Luck Love all my kids.

green stepmommy's picture

Submitted by green stepmommy on Sat, 04/14/2007 - 3:52pm

i have wondered before if maybe to some men, maybe there is something super special to them about having sons vs. daughters(like henry viii?), or even having the "first born child" is a sort of milestone for a guy that changes his life, and nothing will ever have that same profound affect on him ever again. or would anyone else ever stand a chance with both of those factors combined? not to say that the others would go unloved, but it would be different. i remember how my grandfather was so into my male cousin, fishing, and baseball, and boy stuff, but coulndn't seem to remember any of his grandaughter's names. i'm not saying that that is the way that it is, but i have had these thoughts and wondered about it. everybody is different. in your case, it probably is just your husband acting out of guilt like you said, taking your daughter forgranted because he feels he can see her anytime. it is definitely not right, though. i would insist on some family counseling before filing for divorce, however.

looneybin's picture

Submitted by looneybin on Sun, 04/15/2007 - 3:37pm

but your first instinct is to protect your daughter. It is a good instinct, and one to be listened to. I'm sure your gut also tells you to temper your reaction because you both value and love your mate. You can't blame the 5yr old, he reacts as he has been taught to, if he thinks he is the king of the universe then he will react to your daughter as though she is a threat to the crown.
So it all comes down to a long talk with your husband, but you have to go into the conversation with the ability to walk away, if there is to much to loose then the conversation is pointless. If you can't change things your daughter will grow up in a house thinking she is second class (fastforward years and years a young lady that hungers for attention and will seek the WRONG kind of attention rather than looking inside herself).

Blah blah blah babble
Sorry for the downer, but thats just my opinion.

DJ