You are here

When does it get easier

Sudomommy's picture

Submitted by Sudomommy on Thu, 01/28/2010 - 1:56am

I don't even know where to start. Basically, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. He has three adorable kids all between the ages of 5 and 10. He also has full custody, so it was basically instant family from day one. I'm in my mid-thirties, never been married, lived a very independent life, and then all of a sudden: BAM! A boyfriend, three kids, and the baggage that comes with that (aka, the ex-wife, the painful memories, bad financial situation, etc).
I know we haven't been together very long, but at what point does it all start feeling normal?
I get so frustrated sometimes. I wish it was just him and me, no kids, no ex-wife, no baggage.
I just feel like I lost myself in the process of trying to take on this new role. It doesn't help that my boyfriend has issues about me going out with girlfriends or doing anything that doesn't involve him or the kids. He feels I'm acting like his ex-wife and that I don't want to be with him. We've gone over it and he knows that's something he needs to work on, but I do feel so recentful at times because of all I've been put through. Then again, I remind myself, I put myself in this situation. After reading other stories on this website, I know I have it good. He's a very loving boyfriend and an amazing father. The ex-wife for the most part leaves us alone...at least for now. I just need to know if my negative feelings at the situation is normal? Again, I know I made the choice to be in this relationship, but DAMN! Sometimes I hate to think about it, but I wonder if this is really the life God wanted me to have. The only thing that keeps me in it is my boyfriend. I hate to say it, but it's not the kids. If anything I sometimes feel they would be what would tear us apart. It's tough to play mommy to three kids that aren't yours. I came in late in the game and at the end of the day I don't have any jurisdiction. My boyfriend is still trying to deal with me co-parenting, since he never even had that with the kids' mom. My boyfriend truly is great and I do love him and I want to make this work. I just need to know how to get through the days and weeks where you just really want to throw it all away and start over. I feel like I'm in a constant state of depression and I just miss who I was. I was always the happy, glass half full kind of gal. Now I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, getting upset at the drop of a hat, and everything annoys me. When does it get easier?????

Comments

soverysad's picture

Submitted by soverysad on Thu, 01/28/2010 - 8:09am

Your feelings are normal, but if you're waiting for it to be "normal" forget it. Life as you know it is over. Hang on to your friends and continue in those relationships because you're going to need them. It is fine for your bf to rue his x doing that because those are HER kids too, but to expect you to step in and play happy family with his children with no independence is unfair and you will resent the hell out of it.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

Selkie's picture

Submitted by Selkie on Thu, 01/28/2010 - 9:02am

I've read between 2-5 years, depending on the situation. You've got some points in your favour, in that your skids are young and your BF is an active father. You also have the skids full-time, which should give you all a chance to establish some routines and house rules, and the opportunity to enforce them. Another thing you have going for you is your affinity for the skids. I'm glad to see that you recognize they are not at fault here. That will help you later on when they really start giving you grief through the teen years.

The determining factor is how well you and BF will be able to present a united front to the skids. Does he respect you in front of them? Does he back you up when you say something? All disagreements between you should take place in private. The skids need to see that you and BF are a team.

I'm seeing a red flag, however, in your BF's attempts to isolate you from your friends, and his comparing you to his ex. He needs to understand that you need a support system. And he needs to cut his emotional ties completely from the ex if he is ever to have a fresh start with you.

Family counselling is a very good idea and will help you both adjust during this difficult beginning time. Yes, your negative feelings are absolutely normal. When you feel like tearing your hair out, you should be able to confide in your BF and receive emotional support from him. This site is also an excellent resource for support from people who understand what you're going through.

You may want to read others' experiences here and do some soul searching to find out if this is really what you want for yourself. Blending a family is TOUGH. Are you truly prepared for the heartache to come? Is your relationship with your BF strong enough to withstand it? These are points to consider carefully before you cause yourself - and the skids - unneccessary pain in staying now and leaving later.

Sudomommy's picture

Submitted by Sudomommy on Thu, 01/28/2010 - 10:27am

Thank you all for the time, energy, and feelings spent and shared. I'm so new at this whole stepmom thing and I just want to make sure what I'm going through is normal, true, and at the same time that it's the right thing and attitude for everyone involved. I guess I just had this idea in my head that things should be a certain way, but they are not when you blend families.
I guess in this case, normal is being "abnormal." It's all about taking it day by day and ultimately knowing that my heart is in the right place, just need a bit of help getting adjusted.
Thank you!