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Pregnant and worried about SDs reaction

Strssdoutmom's picture

Submitted by Strssdoutmom on Wed, 10/28/2020 - 11:08am

Hey All,

So I am new to posting but have been reading and relating to so many posts and am looking for advice.

So some background. I'm a SM to 2 SS 7 & 12 and 1 SD5 and I also have my own DD 6. I am currently 26 weeks pregnant and its been a difficult pregnancy. Everyone knows about the pregnancy except DHs 2 youngest kids. My issues lie solely with SD who is the clingiest and most attention seeking child I've ever met. She lies constantly which thank God DH has noticed and is addressing finally but it doesnt correct the behavior at all because BM takes everything she says as truth. Sorry we have SD and SS 7 every other weekend and DD and SS12 full ttime. 

 

Lately I find myself unable to deal with SD and her need for constant attention, baby talk, lying and just doing whatever she can to be the golden child and center of attention. 

I've tried talking to DH about the issues I have with SD but he refuses to take any action and deflects the blame mainly onto my DD. I've put the main issues I have in point form to keep myself straight I have tendencies to ramble.

 

1. She lies non stop. I dont believe anything she says at this point. If she is in trouble she will lie and say it was someone else. I have watched her do things and have her lie to my face saying it was someone else.

2. Her need for constant attention. She clings to DH and if someone else is getting attention she makes sure to but in to get it. She will not allow her brothers to sit next to DH on the couch. Everyday she needs constant hugs kisses and says I love you what seems like every 15-20 mins. Nobody else can get praise or be spoken to without her getting jelous and asking what about her. She has no friends her age and pretty much just clings to DH, BM and myself. 

3. She is destructive. She has no respect for other peoples things. Coloring on the other kids favorite toys, she colored all over the TV and walls. 

4. Her non stop baby talk. She talks like a 2 year old. Wont pronounce words correctly and alot of the time you cant even understand what she is saying and its non stop from the moment she wakes to the moment she sleeps she is either talking or yelling. in the last 2 years I don't think I've gone 5 minutes with her around and silent. 

 

As my pregnancy progresses I get more and more worried about how SD is going to be with the new baby as she cant even stand DH to sit next to her brothers let alone a new baby sister. Im also concerned she might lash out at baby I have seen her get rough and hurt my dog and cat though I put a stop to that. I've expressed my concerns to DH and he thinks I just single her out but none of the other children have these issues. Im at the point where I do not want her around the new baby because i don't think she should have to compete with SD for attention and further more I dont want her growing up and picking up on SDs behavior. I do care for her but at this point I'm the only one concerned with her behavior and am tired of being accused of bullying.

Comments

thinker's picture

Submitted by thinker on Wed, 10/28/2020 - 11:32am

All your emotions are valid, especially during pregnancy, but she's still only 5 years old.  If I were you, I'd have a heart to heart with my DH and just be really vulnerable and explain my struggles with SD and let him know that I need need to disengage, not just for me but for her.  Express your concerns about her to your DH in a loving way, but then back away and let him parent her, and when she's inevitably around and he's not, just be kind, because again, she's 5.  I don't know the circumstances with your bio daughter, but just try to imagine how you'd want a stepmom to treat her, even when she's being difficult and annoying, which children are prone to do.  When my little one starts getting on my nerves (she's in the TERRIBLE twos right now), I hold her little hand just to remind myself how small she is.  

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Wed, 10/28/2020 - 12:00pm

"DH, if you think I am the problem and that I am bullying a 5 year old, then you need to leave me. Either you're a piss-poor father because you stay with a woman who mistreats your children, or you're a piss-poor father AND husband because you don't actually think I am harming your child but are blaming me anyway because you don't want to deal with it. So which is it, DH?"

It sounds like your DH already has two exes, or at least two previous BMs, and still hasn't figured out that he might be part of the reason why his relationships fail. 

You're not overreacting. He's being a crappy parent. Change your dialogue with him to put her bad behavior back on HIS lack of parenting. It's not "SD is annoying". It's "DH, you ALLOW SD to be an annoying child, and you ALLOWING it makes it difficult to like her; it's your fault". 

I think of combination of disengaging from her while also being crystal clear with her about expectations is the best approach. DH should be 100% responsible for bathing, cooking for, and cleaning up after SD (and his other kids). But if SD is purposefully talking in baby voice? Tell her to stop and speak correctly, then ignore her until she does. If DH doesn't like that approach, redirect how he hasn't properly parented her, so you're doing what you feel needs to happen to maintain your sanity in your own home since he can't manage to provide it for you.

I'd also recommend couples counseling.

Ultimately, you need to not be afraid to speak up and out about this bad behavior. You shouldn't fear your DH leaving. If he leaves you because you held his kid to basic expectations, then he was a weak partner and it would have crumbled due to something else. 

Be vocal. Lay it all out there. If DH doesn't like what he sees, he is free to try and find a woman who will put up with his shenanigans, an unruly daughter, and three BMs somewhere else.