Wills and Survivorship
My DH and I have been married for 4 yrs. He has 3 kids from 2 BMs. Skids are SS26, SD19, SS14. The youngest two's BM is a very high conflict and a downright nightmare. SD19 is now fully alienated. Needless to say, steplife has not been a smooth or easy road. Being childless, I am often the one who is on the receiving end of most of the downside of steplife and little (is there any?!) upside.
We decided to update our wills. Here is where it blows my mind. My will is pretty straight foward. His will less so with kids. So we got his draft back from his attorney and I am reading it over. It assumed if we die at the same time - I am considered to have died earlier and his will takes over and distributes MY assets according to HIS will. WHAT?!
So now as stepparents, not only are our time and resources less valuable than those with bio kids but in LIFE is also apparently less valuable too?! What is with people who write this stuff up?? There is no way those entitled kids and that horrible BM is going to get a penny of my hard earned money. Jeez!!
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Seems like the attorney
Seems like the attorney should have asked what you want done in that circumstance - or maybe your DH told him to put that in? Seems to me if you die at the same time, half of the estate goes via DH's will and half follows yours.
Make everything watertight and challenge proof
My DH is significantly older than me so odds are high that he'll go first. But on the off chance that I get struck down tomorrow I can't chance him leaving any of my money to SD. The only way around that is to set up a Trust where DH only receives my money under certain conditions. There's enough going to him outright to cover mortgages and DD's upbringing but the rest of it is going to be locked away for emergencies then it'll go to my family. My sister is appointed as trustee.
The first time we spoke to the lawyer he idiotically drafted up mirror wills where if we died in the combination of me shortly followed by DH, all my assets became his, then since I would be dead, all of his (and my) assets went to the remaining beneficiary: SD!!! And I was like wtf?! At worst case she gets all of his money, how is it possible she'll end up with mine too?!
Omg all his AND your assets
Omg all his AND your assets going to SD!! Yikes. Glad you caught that version and changed it! Thanks for the good advice I'll ask my attorney about that!
Trusts cost a bit to set up
Trusts cost a bit to set up and maintain which is why it's uncommon in a normal, healthy family setup. And they make me come off as paranoid. But I think steplife has entitled me to a healthy bit of paranoia. And it's worth it paying as insurance to lock SD out of my funds. I can always dissolve it after DH passes first.
There can be some benefits
There can be some benefits and protections from trusts that even normal healthy families might find beneficial. My parents had the majority of their assets held in trusts.. now my dad gets the benefit of my mom's trust as she passed.. but when he passes.. his and her trusts will be distributed to my brother and I.
I would caution to get good advice and ensure that the trustee.. can be trusted..lol. they do control the money and it's not unheard of for it to disappear....
It may be a good option though if you and your DH would want each other to have the benefit of those assets/investments after one of you passes.. but want to preserve the ability for chosen heirs to inherit a balance.
If it were reversed... would
If it were reversed... would you get all his assets? or are his kids provided for?
It may be that the thought is that he would want his assets to support you in life if he dies first.. but in the event that you died at the same time? he would want to have his assets go to his kids.. not funnel through your will to some other beneficiaries?
Are you doing a joint will? I would highly reccomend NOT doing that.
If it is his will that states that.. then I don't believe that your assets (not what you would get from him.. but what you have in your own right) would still go to whoever you designate... in fact... if they were to go to him.. you could have some similar language in your own will that would stipulate that it would assume he died first.. so your assets could go to the next in line beneficiary.
I would ask for a better explanation from the lawyer.. because I am not sure if his will saying that would create the situation where your estate would go to his family. (not sure what your will does in the case that he dies first). Again... joint wills are very problematic because once one person dies.. they are difficult to change if not impossible.
Why would it be hard to
Why would it be hard to change? Once someone dies, aren't the assets yours to leave to whomever you please? You can't do a new will and change where the assets go?
Joint wills may sound like a
Joint wills may sound like a simplified way to handle your assets after death, but they're inflexible documents that can put people in a bind when circumstances change or if one spouse long outlives the other. Some states also don't recognize joint wills, which decreases their usefulness
Yeah, I just googled it, wasn
Yeah, I just googled it, wasn't sure what it was.
As another poster advised...
As another poster advised... it would be a good idea for you to think about setting up trusts... both of you..because in the event that you don't "die together".. how would you ultimately want your assets distributed? Surely, he would want to ensure that his children would get something from what he worked his lifetime to create... just as you don't want his kids to benefit and may have another relative or cause that you would want to provide for after you are gone. But,. I am fairly certain that both of you want to ensure that the other has some access to the resources in the event that there is need. A trust can do that and have conditions.. etc...
For example, your will could put your estate into trust for his needs while he is alive and remains unmarried or isn't cohabitating with another significant other. His will could provide similar but stipulate that at the end of your life/use of the trust by you getting remarried or re-partnered up.. that the trust would go to his kids.
It really wouldn't matter in a case of "who dies first if you die together".. because the trusts would quickly just move on to the next stage where the ultimate beneficiaries would get the assets.
and.. keep in mind that his will can say that the assumption is that you die first.. but YOUR will can also say that HE dies first... so that your estate can go to the next in line beneficiary.
And this all works unless you really have no estate.. but you state money "YOU" worked for .. so assuming you do have assets and earnings in your own right. also keep in mind that life ins policies... and real property will be distributed per their titling and not be subject to the will probate
It is def not a joint will.
It is def not a joint will. And his kids are well provided for with a life insurance policy. He is asking for a revision to that clause as it is ludicrous!
If you pass on first
Leaving everything to DH. He can do with it as he please. Once dead you are out of control of your money. If you don't eant SD to get anything you must set up a trust. Same as He he goes first leaving everything toy out,you can do what ever you like. SD is not related to you. She has as much rights as the people next door
his attorney??
His attorney!! Did this guy even meet with you to find out what you wanted?
Being married does not mean you have to use one attorney. DH and I redid our wills after we married (to reflect our prenup) and then redid a few years later after we bought property together. At no time did we use the same attorney for both of us. We each used the attorney that we used for the prenup.
Get yourself an attorney and go over your financials with him. Get your own advice. Be sure you understand the legalities of retirement accounts, joint accounts, and property titles in your state.Then do your will.
I have my own attorney so my
I have my own attorney so my interests can be protected. Apparently his interests are being well protected..
If this is his will.... I don
If this is his will.... I don't think that he is really that wrong for this wording. Theoretically.. he wouldn't want his assets to necessarily be all distributed via YOUR wishes either.. which might exclude his children.
the assumption is that you are dying "at the same proximate time".. he doesn't want to exclude you.. but if you are not here.. he wants his kids.. and not who you chose to be the ones to inherit HIS bequeath.
This doesn't impact how your will distributes your assets.
If you have your own attorney
If you have your own attorney and your own will, run the wording of DH's by him. It may not be as bad as it seemed at first. Legal wording can be hard to understand. There may be a legal reason for the wording.
As I reflect there is a survivor clause in mine. DH has to outlive me by a minimum of 30 days to inherit anything from me (with the exception of joint titled).
Yeah I have an appt with her
Yeah I have an appt with her in 2 wks. Maybe the wording isn't as bad or out of line as it seems. But somehow I am guessing it is
My issue is I do not want MY
My issue is I do not want MY assets distributed to HIS kids just because we died around the same time. And the flat out assumption that happens because I don't have kids really irks me.
All this gets complicated. If
All this gets complicated. If you are worried about him getting everything and end up going to skids I would definetly have something written up so that does not happen. My grandmother's husband passed years ago and everything was left to her. He had it in his will that if she ever sold the house 1/3 would got to her and the rest split between his kids. Well it is not that simple it turns out. Since her name was on the deed the house was totally hers.
When she sold all the money went into an account and her skids got nothing. Should anything happen my grandmother's kids get it all. Her skids were pissed and do not talk to her anymore because thier father did not do the right thing and put their names on the deed as well. To be fair my g-mom lived in that house for years after he passed like over 15 and paid all the taxes, repairs, anything for the house out of her pocket. Her skids put nothing into that house over the years. While I understood their issues about how it all played out they were just being petty and greedy.
My mom consulted a lawyer to find out the best route when they sold they house. They advised her to keep everything in my g-moms name because if she gave them money and my g-mom ended up in the nursing home that nursing home could come take that money back if it is with in a certain time period. It was not a fortune. They did not want to listen to reason or cared.
Evaluate your situation, figure out a solution that makes everyone happy. I would get it iron clad documented.
Real estate's ownership chain
Real estate's ownership chain is stipulated by titling. My GM lived in a home that way until she needed to leave when she became too old to live there on her own. I believe she was generally responsible for the costs to keep the home up.. but of course, that can be made part of the trust requirements.
Never trust someone to "do the right thing" after you are gone. If you want it done, you need to make sure that legally it is done that way. Honestly, if he had a lawyer help him draft that will.. his skids should look at malpractice because he should have been advised that putting that clause in his will did nothing to protect their interest (which was none) in that home.
They are not smart enough for
They are not smart enough for that. This was several years ago at this point. I just felt really bad for my mom during all this because she had to deal with it and deal with them to some extent. My gram had her will redone after she sold the house to only include my mom and my aunt. She had taken out a like a home equity loan on the house and gave the money to my Uncle. When it was sold that got paid off so in her mind she got his inheritance already.
There really was not much money from the sale of the house. The skids just never seem to understand any of it. My grandmother paid all the taxes and in that area was not cheap for a really long time. It sucks for them I get it but at the same time my mom was only trying to look out for my grandmother and do what was best for her. My mom and my aunt will probably never see any inhertiance as my granmother gets older she needs things. She now has a home aid and pays rent in an apartment. The skids never thought of any of that.
Why on earth would the kids
Why on earth would the kids names be on the deed if it was your grandmother's house? I just don't understand some things. As far as I know my name was never on the deed of my parent's house. And it most certainly isn't on the deed of my father and stepmother's house. I feel like I may need to educate myself.
My g-moms husband bought the
My g-moms husband bought the house I do believe before they were married. The mortgage on it years ago was so small. I could not believe it when I saw the papers. He bought it with his wife at the time but I think she passed or something I am not sure. Anway years later while he still had a mortgage payment he met my grandmother and she moved in. They got married so when he passed the house automatically went to her. That is how our state works unless you stipulate otherwise. You can do that he just didn't.
What I was saying if he wanted to fully make sure that his kids got a portion of the sale of the house he should have put them on the deed along with her. The name on the deed and mutual marital assests override the wishes in a will. That is what I gathered from all that was told to me. I believe it because when DH and I bought our home we were not married and we had to put down who our portion of the house would go if anything should happen to either one of us. Once we got married what we stipulated on that document would not matter anymore because of mutual marital assests. That is how my state works.
We went the trust route. We
We went the trust route. We aren't married. We have separate finances with the exception of a mortgage. Our home is tenants in common at 50/50 rather than joint with survivorship.
All of my pre-existing assets are titled to my trust. All of his pre-existing assets (oh wait, there weren't any after his divorce pfft) are titled to his trust. Third trust exists for the joint nonsense which, to be frank, isn't much.
I drop and my existing trust is dispersed/liquidated accordingly.
He drops and his existing trust is dispersed/liquidated accordingly.
Part of that liquidation/dispersement is to fund the joint for whatever remains which realistically should be just about nothing if we both survive an average life. If I go tonight, my trust funds my estate's interest in the home and the critters as long as he keeps them/they survive. Funding for him directly (which amounts to an allowance rather than direct access) at this point is minimal since we are both young.
His brother (only sibling) handles his side of things. My attorney handles mine. Those set ups are likely to change as we age but for now that's how it goes.
We also set up PoAs for health and all that fun stuff. It was not inexpensive and we update periodically as needed but it covers all of the crap we could think of and then some others at the recommendation of our individual attorneys.
Honestly, even with a legal marriage I would have this stuff spelled out. MIL has already inadvertently shown me what she thinks and BM is, well, she sucks. I have no doubt my SSs will follow in her footsteps.
At this stage in the game I won't marry while he's legally (heavily) financially obligated to another, and we've got some time until we age out of that shit show. In the meantime, I wasn't willing to be totally unprotected, nor was I willing for him to be.
We can promise all we want in the good times but weddings and funerals bring out the worst in people and I refuse to have to deal with that sort of dumb while mourning.
I totally understand the frustration and gross feelings that come with the assumption of conversion, though. It's just one more sacrifice society at large deems appropriate for a step since "you knew what you were getting into."
Fabulous insight and advice -
Fabulous insight and advice - thank you!!