That's so true storm. Somehow taking my SD to the movie got the finger from BM. I was shocked. No matter what I do it's not right.

If I dont' do for SD then I'm being selfish and not supporting my DH, per her. If I do for SD then I'm trying to take her place and "steal" her daughter.

You can't win in this SP'ing game. Someone said it the other day, the only move you can make to win this game is to not play.

BRAVO!

well, as a BM I'm glad you don't want my child. Although, he's rotten so you'd bring him right back lol...

I've been reading "other sites" and the general feeling from a lot of BM's is basically this, "I didn't ask you to be in my child's life, you're there for my ex...not for my child so anything you do for my child is done to please my ex so I don't need to be grateful for anything you're doing or anything you've done. My child has enough people that love him/her so in my opinion you're just benefiting from having them in YOUR life so get over yourself and quit looking for gratitude from me. You're being good to my child out of necessity because if you weren't good to my child, my ex would drop you like a bad habit and protect our child."

Now, this isn't a direct quote from ANYONE. It's a paragraph of different things I've read over the last few weeks from various BM's. If ANYONE thinks about blasting me for this...these aren't my thoughts ok? Like I said above, just some things I've learned and read over a period of time.

~Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them so much~ Oscar Wilde

I agree with everything you posted Storm. You can't win, at all.

I feel kind of guilty because I'm starting to see some double standards in my way of thinking. Being a mom, being a step parent...like being two different people.

On one hand I think so many BM's are crazy and unreasonable...but then there's a lot of things I can think, "well if my son's stepmom did this I'd be pissed and livid." It's so confusing!! i'm that BM who wants my son's stepmom to be good to him and nice to him but I don't expect anything else out of her. I'll appreciate everything nice that she does for him only because it's not her job to do anything above and beyond a "hi and bye" type of thing...she really isn't there for him, she's there for his dad so anything above that obligation is a nice treat.

She doesn't have to drive him to anything, no picking him up from anywhere, she doesn't have to attend his functions unless she wants to...I don't want her calling me about him and I really don't need contact with her at all...all contact will go through my ex via text message and email as we always have done. it's not because I don't want to talk to her...it's just because one point of contact is the easiest way. Now I'm not against being her friend if she's planning on being uber stepmom, I'll share some moments with her if she wants that role but if she doesn't want that role then fine by me.
Any issues that she has with my son will have to be taken up with his father bc it's not my problem to hear her concerns...it's his father's problem to deal with her relationship with our kid.

Ugh...I hate how that sounds but that's just the way I feel. I think that's why I've started keeping my comments in check when DH talks about my stepdaughter. It's hard and I still slip up but then I think, "Well...how would I feel if it were my kid and his stepmom?" I still blog about my frustrations over SD and BM but I've really tried to keep a lid on it when dealing with DH bc I feel like such a turncoat hypocrite

~Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them so much~ Oscar Wilde

I'm going to be different again! LOL! I actually want a SM to perfectson to be much more than the hi and bye kind of SM. I want his SM to actually really care about him and love him. In my mind I would think that if a woman really loved my EH then she would also try to really love his child. Weird? Maybe... I've been VERY grateful for everything perfectson's SM has done for him and I was very disappointed when she pulled away from him because she and EH were splitting up.

When I married DH I never hesitated for a second on taking on not only him, but his 3 children too. To me it was a package deal, all or nothing. I would never want to be a hi and bye SM to them. I realize I'm fortunate enough to be the SM of really good kids too, but I've worked soooooo hard to have the great relationship I do with my skids.

Sorry Barbie, I have two children of my own and a SD8 with an ex from hell. I was nice very nice to my SD because I wanted to not to please my DH. I am out of the drama with my SD8 because her mother should have taken the time to discipline her better and not treat her child as a weapon to use against my Husband. Now the SD thinks she is a princess that gets what she wants or else and the ex wife thinks she has the golden uterus for giving my DH a child. Now, my husband knows after all the drama I will no longer be doing anything for his child. She is his problem now. They will be doing things for each other for now on, me not involved. I did for SD8 the same as for my children because I felt she deserved much better. So, no my husband is not kicking me to the curb and yes I have been a complete BITCH because no one will be coming in to my home to step all over me. All contrare he has seen things the way they are and yes he continues to be a father but as he told his own child I AM NOT BREAKING MY MARRIAGE FOR YOU OR ANYONE IN THE WORLD ...MY WIFE IS THE QUEEN OF THE HOUSE. This I appreciate it very much because now his ex knows that my husband is not playing the game "I have your precious child so you must do as I say ". This is the problem with most ex wifes that instead of letting their children establish a healthy relationship with their dad , the ex wants to manIpulate all because she gave birth to his child. I am glad my husband stood his ground and is handling everything very well. I stay out of it. No BM don't have to be grateful to us present wives but BM have no right to try to cause problems through their kids either.

I agree with Peaceandquite. My DH would have been perfect without all of the baggage. I have BK's of my own and did not want BM's kids. She lost custody of them 5 years ago and they've been with us ever since. I wish she would get herself together and come back and get them but she doesn't want them. I think a lot has to do with at what age you acquire sk's. My DH came into my BK's lives at 1 and 3 years old. We got custody of my SK's at 7 and 9. They were pretty much already shaped. My kids adore my DH and my relationship with sk's now ss12 and ss14 is a little shaky. Partly shaky because I don't approve of the way they were raised and things that DH allows them to do. I don't want them influencing my BS8 and BS6 who really look up to them. So, I'm a BM myself and I've never had a problem with any of the women that my ex has around my BK's because he's always had nice women. I don't talk to them but they treat my BK's nice and that's all I ask. But I don't need SK's, didn't really want SK's, and if I knew that he'd have custody of SK's I probably wouldn't have married him. Sorry to say.