Update to my blog from yesterday afternoon...http://www.steptalk.org/node/49887#new

I printed the emails to show to FDH when I got home. I first sat in my driveway reading some of the responses I'd gotten on my blog....to get a sense of whether I was right or wrong or what...and I was very unsure how he'd respond. I had no idea if he'd think I overstepped or not. I got home, we were both kind of quiet...so finally I said, "Did she call you?" He said, "Yup. Kept calling me frantically until I answered, then freaked out on me." I told him I was sorry that he had to deal with that. Apparently she was incredibly agitated and telling him that I was telling her we wouldn't take SD6 anymore and why am I communicating schedule changes with her instead of him for "their" children. He told her to calm down and that he wasn't going to discuss this further with her unless he reads the emails.

So I hand him the printed emails. He reads through them. Then laughs and says, "Classic!" (Um, classic ME or classic BM?) He meant BM, thank god!

He pointed out that she didn't even read through my original email and see the point of it...that I was trying to give her a heads up and HELP OUT and do what's best for SD6 next week...and that she totally blew it all out of proportion, especially when he was on the phone with her and she was putting words in my mouth, so to speak.

So FDH got on the phone with her after a few hours of a cool-down period. The first thing he said was "You completely missed the point that SteppingUp thought that since *I* wasn't going to be around next week, maybe it would be nice for SD6 to be with her MOMMY on her first week of school." Her response? "Well....yeah...but..."

After some talking with her, he came to the conclusion that the basic issue here was that *I* was communicating with her, therefore "exerting" control over the situation. She used the phrase "SteppingUp on a power trip". He told her she needs to understand that I'm not on a "power trip" and if she re-reads that first email again in a non-defensive way he will see that I clearly even asked for her thoughts and opinions on it. I was trying to discuss what is best for her daughter and she completely rolled right over that fact and went into accusatory mode. She essentially agreed with him in a half-assed way.

She again brought up that HE should be the one communicating schedule changes with her (I do understand her point so don't take this wrong). He reinforced that I was not making schedule changes in my email. I was asking her opinion on next week in light of what was going on at our household...he said I was trying to be "proactive in communication" JUST AS I STATED in my email! And he said IN my email, I stated that we were just giving her a heads up and that we were still trying to work on it but didn't want her to be blindsided by a last-minute request to change things up for the week (and it would obviously be just that -- a request, not a demand).

He also told her (hooray FDH!) that ANYTHING I would ever email her about is not me just 'taking over', but they are things that we've already discussed because wait for it.......wait for it.....WE COMMUNICATE! He said I would never just go ahead and email her something brash and rude and say something he and I haven't already discussed. Also, he has a job where he is busy with customers all day. I'm at a desk all day and it's just easier for me to send off an email to try to communicate.

FDH told me from now on, if I ever email her again about things, to just log into his email and send it from him with his name, and just make sure he knows what it's all about first.

Another thing that FDH and I talked about last night was how this week was SD6's back to school night where they tour the school and meet their teacher and find their desks and all. Was FDH allowed to go? Nope. Because BIODAD was going. So what bothers me, and I think part of why I get SOOO protective of FDH in this situation, is that BM gets to decide when she wants FDH to be SD6's father and when biodad should be his father???? How is that fair? During the week it is FDH's responsibility to care for SD, to feed her, clothe her, house her, make sure she gets her homework done, read to her, spend quality time with her, get her ready for school in the morning and to the bus, YET HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO BE HER 'FATHER' WHEN IT COMES TO SPECIAL EVENTS. How is this fair to FDH OR SD? Isn't that so confusing? I'm sure SD6 always asks, "Where's Daddy FDH?" at these events and who knows if she thinks that he just didn't show up or doesn't care? And for a quick example, last year no one told FDH when her kindergarten graduation was so he/we didn't get to go (the teacher sent home a flyer and no one told him, it was no where on the school calendars because they were organized by the individual classroom teachers and they don't have their own classroom websites either).

I think I'll go back to my original blog on this all and respond to some of your comments because EVERYONE who commented made some really good points...whether I wanted to hear them or not! The many reasons why I love this site. Thank you all.

Of course, BM posted on her Facebook shortly after her conversation with FDH, "I wish people could see perspectives other than their own." For once, I completely agree with BM.