Welp...

I've had the fortune (IMO) of never meeting BM. She's never acted sane since I've been in the picture (still doesn't but she keeps it to herself for the most part), and frankly I don't want to be bothered...and haven't been...My DH has handled her from the beginning. 1000%. She learned her boundaries through him...She's learned what she can and can't say (pretty much nothing) through him.

From the beginning, I always took the attitude that SD was THEIR child 100%, and I wasn't her parent. I would assist DH as needed but parenting issues, day to day issues, would have to be figured out by them...DH needed a lot of "training" and perspective on how to deal with her along the way, but he's got it...

With that, I think your DH was waaaay out of line for pretty much washing his hands of whatever you emailed to BM. That's HIS issue, not yours, and at the end of the day, you do what you do to assist him with his parenting responsibilities...So to step back and allow you two to email war is less than 'manly', IMO...

If there needs to be a larger conversation with BM regarding the whole set up based on your email, that should have come from HIM...I'd think that a lot of why she feels the way she does and says what she says and does what she does is due to her lack of respect for DH and thereby YOU...He should have handled that...IMO...

SteppingUp, I used to think that I would someday have a relationship with her that would be beneficial to us all. We had been friendly before, we are professional people, our kids are the same ages....and we had in common that we were all in pretty miserable marriages (exception, that my marriage to ex-h involved being really financially comfortable and secure, while her and DH's relationship involved them being in pretty much financial ruin because they were both absolute fools where money is concerned.) But.....

I learned that she is (undiagnosed, of course) mentally ill, spiteful beyond compare, cannot be reasoned with, cannot be trusted, hates DH and me much much more than she loves her boys, is completely insecure, and has no grasp of reality. She is such a mess that we can't believe anything that comes out of her mouth. I do not expect that I will ever have *any* relationship with her. I used to try to communicate, back when I used to care. But now I let DH do it all. I am so done with her nonsense.

I don't know your situation, but is it really necessary for you to have a relationship with your BM? Can your DH not be the one to deal with her? The line in your post that DH told you that you and BM have damaged your relationship beyond repair made me scratch my head a little- he is the one who is responsible for maintaining a working relationship with the woman who is the BM of his kids......just my two cents.

I have zero relationship with BM and like it that way. Never even met her. I get fired up pretty easily and I think just being around that woman, knowing what kind of person she is and how she treats her children, would set me off.

That being said, I think your DH made you do his dirty work by saying you should tell BM how you feel and just sign his name on it. In actuality it probably would have been best to let them handle their relationship, however messed up it is, and disengage from her.

BM#1 is pretty much a lost cause (she was a bed buddy that got knocked up, so DH really doesn't have anything to do with her either as SD lives with BMs mother)

So, on to BM#2. I tried to be the June Cleaver SM from the moment I came into the picture. I would offer to pick SS up to save her trips out, I was always cordial to her on the phone when she called or when I would see her at pick-ups etc. The first year or so we were able to co-exist on this level. Then she attacked and I attacked back and it's been all down hill from there. She called DH (about 3 years ago) and left a long ridiculous voice mail about the fact that SS came home in tears because we went and got a Christmas tree with out him and that he was also upset because he felt like I did more things with SD than with him. Blatent.outright.bullshit. The instances she cited were 1.I took SD to work with me one day and not SS (it was bring your DAUGHTER to work day and SD asked me if she could go with me since her scumbag mother doesn't work) 2. I took SD and a friend to the movies and not SS. (SS was laying on the couch sicker than a dog with mono, had already made the plans with SD the week prior, wasn't going to not take them simply because SS couldn't go) So apparently these things and us not waiting to get our Christmas tree made ME a horrible, thoughtless, person. I flipped my lid when DH played the VM and I told him I was calling her to set the record straight, he agreed that I should. Bad move. BM doesn't like it when someone stands up to her, the conversation got ugly and went to hell in a handbasket when she said "Maybe someday when you have a child, you will understand" (in her snotty, condescending tone) That is when I told her like it is, SHE is NOT MOTY, SHE is the one who let her son fall out of a second story window when he was 3 because she wasn't paying attention to him, SHE was the one who left him unattended with an iron at 2 which led to a huge 3rd degree burn (and now scar) on his hand, and I most certainly would NOT be taking Parenting 101 classes from her. Not quite sure what was said after that because I was so mad, and ended up hanging up on her. She called DH's phone back and told him to "Keep me on a leash", and called me a skank Rich, BM, Rich! I am not the one with 2 illigitimate children with 2 different guys.. but whatever. I told DH I was done.

After a bit, I tried again to be cordial to her, then she attacked me on the phone out of the blue one day when she called. I answered, she asked if SS was ready, I said yes. She apparently couldn't hear me, so she asked again, I said (louder) "yes, he's ready" and she asked me why I had to be so freaking rude. I gave the phone to DH and told him once again I was done. She knew she was wrong, text DH later and said that she wasn't trying to be a jerk, she "just wanted to communicate without a problem" Rich, BM, Rich! YOU are the ONLY one who causes the problems in this equation.

I actually ran into her when I was coming out of the Dr.'s office one day when I was about 7 months pregnant with BS and she stopped me and said she wanted to apologize for "acting offsensive" and said that she was happy for DH and I and wished only the best for us. I told her I appreciated her apology and left. That was over 2 years ago, haven't spoken to her since. I know her well enough to know that her apology means nothing, she is only apologizing until the next time that she acts like a jerk. I have no need to be her friend, she is DHs problem now, not mine.

You may read this (long, sorry) story and say, Daizy, what BM did here isn't all THAT bad, but it's more than that. It's not just the personal attacks on me, it the fact that she is disrespectful, intrusive and obnoxious. When she picks fights with DH (FREQUENTLY) it affects MY life and she does not care. She is selfish, she only cares about her self and what she can take and who she can take it from. Don't get me wrong, I'll crab to DH about her and he will tell me her antics from time to time and we enjoy an eye roll together, but other than that she does not exist in my world and it's definately best that way.

I WISH I could live my life having never met BM, but that's not the case.

She's narcissistic to the Nth degree, and all that entails. In the beginning of the relationship, she only offered ONCE to bring the SK's to DH's place so she could "check me out" (which meant, giving me the stink eye from head to toe, then walking past me with a "snort"). She would call incessantly to talk to the SK's, no matter what we were doing. Showed up at DH's parents' house (they have a pool) when I was there because, "it's soooo hot, I though I'd come over and swim with MY BOYS." Much more over the years, I could go on and on, but I'll sum it up with this: she acted like a wild animal pissing on as many trees as she could.

Her personality, behavior, and personal decisions in her life are distasteful to me. She is NOT a person I'd befriend if I'd met her outside of this dreadful stepworld. We are the complete antithesis of each other -- she believes the world owes her, is 50+ years old and has only worked a handful of days in her entire life, as always relied on others to support her, do her work. She will never take responsibility for anything. EVER. It's not enough that my DH pays her CS well over the 4-digits every month (that since the SK's have gotten older should really be recalculated but he won't do it)... she will not go above and beyond to do anything for her kids. Yet in typical style, she's always in fashion, never a hair out of place, nails done just so.

Although she is remarried, she doesn't hesitate to call and cry to my DH that she needs new brakes on her car, needs to lug something home from a store, and could he do that for her since he has a pickup (so does her DH, go figure). It goes on.

She is distasteful to me. And lord, the things she's had the nerve to say to me (which I won't go into)... just ewwwww.

So I've never had a good relationship with her. And I never plan to. I tried going into the whole thing with an open mind... would talk to her on a congenial level only to be met with nasty and sarcasm. Apparently she was pretty quiet until DH and I started dating because she was wrapped up in her new relationship. But then she started ramping it up and hasn't relented in 6 years. She takes every opportunity she can to be rude to me or to publicly snub me. I quit giving her the opportunities to do that -- I refuse to be within 200 feet of her, I will NOT answer the home phone or his cell phone when she calls, etc.

I'm not looking forward to things such as high school graduation, and all those other things that come along as kids grow older. Who knows, with the way she is, and how she's so lovingly passed her behaviors on to my SK's, I prolly won't be invited anyways.

In a moment of weakness a few years back, she cornered me and started in. I told her in no uncertain terms "don't fk with me", as I've dealt with people like her all my life. Maybe that wasn't the right thing to do... }:)

The more I got to know BM, the less respect I had for DH. The woman is selfish, entitled, sneaky, and a whole host of other bad things. DH claims she used to be different, but people just don't turn that way overnight. I still have no idea what he was thinking.

I was the one who broke up their marriage. He 'cheated' on her with me and destroyed the happy little life she was living. She is now a 'DIVORCED' woman and it is all my fault.

Maybe it has something to do with her pushing her husband away and having minimal physical contact with him as possible unless she wanted another child. Maybe it has something to with negating him to child-status and she made all the decisions. Maybe it hasd something to do with never EVER going out for a movie or a meal with her husband and using a babysitter... of going anywhere without the kids. Maybe it was choosing to wait 10 yrs into her marriage before having children when DH wanted kids, at the most, 5 years in. Maybe it was the sulking because she couldn't get to her parents hometown for Christmas Day due to a freaking blizzard shutting down the highways and DH refused to put his preschool sons and wife in a car to drive in blinding snow so she could see her parents on Christmas Day 2 hrs away. So she sulked and was in a bad mood the ENTIRE day and made sure everyone knew about it. She even tried to get him to go by the back roads. Sorry? Back roads when the high way is shut down and closed? Maybe it was shutting him completely out of her life and when he would come home on Friday evening he had no idea if you were shopping with their sons or visiting her parents for the weekend (pre cell phones).

Yeah, I have THAT much power from a world away that I can ruin her marriage when DH and I didn't know each other online until a month after he filed for divorce. And when I first met him I thought he was a wuss and he thought I was bossy.

The sad thing is he told me we had talked more in the first 6 weeks we actually met than he had spoken to his wife in the last year of their marriage.

But I am still the home wrecker. Luckily his sons are old enough to remember their parents fighting and the cold silences and they know it wasn't my fault.

Now she will ask for information from me "Is SS there? Do you know where he is?" and she will say "Thank you" at the end of the call which is a mile better than the "Click!" we used to get.

An older friend of mine met her husband in her 30s (after a 10 year marriage and death of her DH) and a full 10 years after her husband was divorced. A DECADE after his divorce.

He is older and when he got divorced she was in HIGH SCHOOL!

Crazy BM (he has been divorced from her for FORTY YEARS) now tells the grandchildren how my friend stole her husband and that she is his "real" wife. Funny thing is that his first marriage was not in a church. He and my friend are now devout Catholics and have a marriage recognized by the Catholic church. By ANY standards my friend is his WIFE not the crazy lady.

BM and I have never met, but she DESPISES me. Now I came on the scene 20 years after the divorce and a decade after she remarried. That wonderful ex-addict, unemployed felon that she is married to so enhances her life.

I would only say this on an anonymous board, but here are the facts. I am prettier, thinner, smarter, richer, have more friends, am internationally recognized in my career, have great political contacts, etc. etc. I can wipe the floor with her and her pathetic life even if I am 10-12 years older than her. Her son likes me much more than he likes her.

Her late father was one of the most influential men in the community and she grew up with total privilege. I grew up in abject poverty and had no one but myself to help me get where I am. I have a fabulous life that I created. She is living in a rat hole with an a-hole. I'd probably hate me too if I were her.

We started with BM telling FDH that SS would NOT be calling me mom and her giving him the "I'm the mommy and I'm in control of my kid" lecture. From there to BM calling FDH all the time to talk about any and everything EVEN when SS was with her. ??? It took me a while before I realized how frequent the phone calls where and that they were about the same thing over and over or about things not pertaining to SS. After we started setting boundaries for BM the fight was on. I do not have much to say to her. DH takes the calls and deals with most things. I try to accomadate her if I feel like it is something necessary concerning SS. She ignores me and likes to act like I don't exist or my opinion doesn't matter but DH is "pretty good" about saying I will talk to NSW. She likes to think and say to others that SS is having such a hard time because of me but I know the truth. She likes to drink, party and drugs so SS is subjected to alot of things I do not agree with (and I am sure she knows I feel this way). Which in turn makes me and DH have to make sure some rules are enforced in our home. DH is a pushover and thinks all kids try that stuff so guess where that leaves me. I know I am a better mother than her even though I would do somethings different with my grown BC. BM tries to be the cool Mom. She also tries to make DH feel sorry for her and SS which irritates me but what can I do? She likes to cry when she calls him. She hates the boundaries and hates she has lost alot of her control on DH so in turn she hates me. Me, I am indifferent as long as she leaves me and DH alone otherwise I will fight for my rights as the FT SM and DH's spouse. Sometimes I wish things were different but BM and I are so different that I don't think that is possible. To be honest all I can do is hope that contact with BM will get less from here on out!

My first contact with BM was when she called me to find out if BF and I were dating. She was at his house under the guise of dropping of SD while he was at work. She called me and was calm cool and collected or so I thought :jawdrop: She asked me a few questions to find out if we were in fact dating and was hinting around tyring to find out if we were serious. I was about 2-3 minutes she said thanks for talking to me I appreciate it and we ended the call. About 30 mins later I get a call from BF saying he is on his way to his house SD21 called him (a friend of BM's called her because she was destroying BF's house in a rage) and said "Mom called Newstep and now she is flipping out" he wanted to know if I was okay because he thought she called to harrass me. He gets there and she is in a blind rage shouting my name over and over calling me every name in the book. Cops were called and they hauled her ass in on a 51/50 charge and she spent 72 hours in the psych ward on a suicide watch. It was crazy!!!!

This was the same woman who cheated on him the entire marriage all the details came out after her flip out courtesy of her friend. She was tired of BM's lies and came clean with it all to BF because she wanted BM to get help. BM also had a few guys she was screwing at the time and had just left one to go pick up SD from the same friends house to drop her off at BF's house. So its been a crazy ride with that woman. She goes from wanting to get along and be nice to flipping out and accusing me of alienating BF from her and their daughters :? It is a really predictable cycle with her she ignores us for a while then she is obsessed with every move we make and calls and texts constantly. We go on and off every few months. It has gotten better since BF has put up clear and consistent boundaries with her though.