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Rough morning....long vent about FDH just to get it out.

SteppingUp's picture

FDH worked late both Monday and Tuesday nights this week. I picked up both skids and our baby and did everything both nights, and he got home after they were in bed and then played Call of Duty until midnight both nights. So last night I mentioned that it'd be nice if I could have a little "break" from the kids to get some cleaning and maybe a few little wedding projects done. He got pissy and said that he's been at work, it's not like he's gotten a break. He doesn't go to work until 1pm when he works late!! How is from 8am-1pm without kids NOT a break???? I get up in the morning and get all the kids ready and go to work for 8am and then had to watch them all on my own for two nights in a row and he doesn't htink I deserve a little "break"? ARGGG!

THEN, last night FDH got on my case because we all went to Target and our final cost was $139. He freaked out about what I bought. Now since we got a joint account he has been on my case about everything and automatically assumes that I am spending like crazy or something (we have absolutely no history of that in our past - we both have very similar spending habits). HE is the one that had to buy a $30 iPod accessory and the other expensive thing we bought were white strips...I had a coupon for $7 off and $10 off for a set for each of us. He told me last week he wants to get some for our wedding and I agreed. So then he's freaking out about how much money we spent!? Not to mention he was right there shopping WITH me...AND I used a $40 gift card we had from my bridal shower.

And everything with the baby I feel like I have to ASK him to do...it's never just offered. Can you feed him? Can you hold him while I get his bottle ready? Can you put him to bed and I'll clean up dinner? Etc.

LAST NIGHT I was up with baby from 1am-2am. He was super fussy, did not want to be put down, I would rock him and he'd fall asleep and the minute he'd go in his crib he'd cry. I finally thought he was down and I went back to bed. Of course FDH sleeping the entire time. 2 minutes later, baby starts to cry again. I decided to let him cry it out. Lay there for 5 minutes. FDH not moving. Then all of a sudden he throws the blanket off of him and makes a scowly noise and storms out of the bedroom to take care of baby. So then I think well maybe he WAS awake that whole time. He proceeds to get a bottle and feeds baby. Half hour later goes back to bed. I say, "Thank you" and he goes, "Jeez what's his problem? I've been up with him for a HALF HOUR!" I go, "um...FYI, he's been up since 1am. I was down there with him crying for an HOUR." He goes, Oh.
So...he did indeed sleep through that all and then wanted to complain to ME about him being up for half an hour...when he doesn't even have to get up to go to work today???

TODAY is his day off. I'm not going to lie...I'm a little jealous that he gets a day off in the middle of the week to just hang out and do nothing without kids or anything. My days off (weekends) we either have skids and always have baby so it's so hard to get anything done. So do you think that FDH offers to bring the kids to daycare today? Of course not.

Baby wakes up earlier than my alarm goes off so I go get him. I bring him into his bouncy chair in the bathroom while I shower and get dressed. He gets fussy so I start his bottle. I call out to FDH, "Would you please feed Baby so that I can finish getting ready before we have to wake up skids?" He kind of stirs but barely. I ask one more time. He gives a groggy "yeah" and then nothing. I know if I give him Baby to feed he will just fall asleep and I'll have to constantly check on them to see if Baby is spilling milk everywhere (he's not too good at holding hte bottle yet). So I just do it myself.

Then it's time for skids to wake up. SD6 is good to go - she is very self-sufficient. SS4 has some rough mornings. And this was one of them. He just cannot focus on the task at hand and if we're already running late, it's like Murphy's Law takes effect and he goes 10 times slower than ever. Then I get crabby, he gets crabby, and it goes another 20x's slower. ARGG. All morning I had to constantly prompt SS4 and get on him and nag him to get ready and do the next step. He was grouchy and had to cry about everything -- not being able to get his shirt on becaus ehe wasn't even trying, etc. I go into the bedroom AGAIN and ask FDH AGAIN to help out. He doesn't move. I get kind of loud and cranky and say "WILL YOU PLEASE GET UP AND HELP ME WITH YOUR CHILDREN."

He wakes up and says "Yeah I will." I now realize I should have just left on my own and told FDH he's taking everyone to daycare...but since we were almost there I sucked it up and finished the morning.

I finish dressing baby and put him in his bouncer so I can put my makeup on and get my lunch together. In the meantime SS4 is crying again about this or that and still isn't dressed all the way. FINALLY, we're all set to go out the door and FDH is STILL LAYING IN BED. I yell, "GOODBYE!!" and slam the door.

I texted him a sarcastic, thanks for all the help this morning. He goes, "you know i have a hard time waking up, you just need to wake me up!" I texted him back and said, "I tried three times to wake you up. I am not your mother and I refuse to stand around all morning nagging your children AND YOU. You are my partner and I would rather you be willing to be helpful rather than me needing to nag you to help me."

*sigh*

I'm just feeling the stress this morning...

Comments

Jsmom's picture

My first husband was like this with our son. I was fried by the time he got home. What worked for me and you may not be able to do it, but I handed him the baby and walked out the door....Went to the mall, got a haircut, gym whatever. But, about once a week, I did this to him. After a few months, I made it a regular thing for my sanity. He was always apologetic after, but would go right back to not being a very big help. Same conversation, I am not your mother, you should want to do this....

He got better, it just was forcing him to do so. I was terrified at first of leaving the baby with him, but finally realized it was his child too and he was going to have to step up. He did and ultimately was a wonderful father...

SteppingUp's picture

He's really not that bad I think he is just a typical guy and doesn't really "see" everything that I do. I have become more assertive in the past months and have simply stated that I need a break and he does understand. It just bothers me that I have to "request" it and he doesn't ever just offer. But I guess that's part of how I've "trained" him....he's used to me just kind of taking care of things because MOST of the time I prefer to do things so they're done right! Smile

sonja's picture

OMG. Felt like i was reading something I wrote myself. More often than not its easier to do it yourself. My BS is 7 months and often it is the same. I do this that etc
Can't even get fdh up get out of bed. All I hope for is a strong bond between me and BS, after all the love I've put into every night by myself. As far as the skids. Eventually I'd leave them in their beds if daddy can't get up.

SteppingUp's picture

Yes...next time this happens, or I see it formulating, I'm just going to say, "Okay I'm going to work! You got the kids!" Smile

SteppingUp's picture

Yes, FDH and I need to sit down and agree that on days he is off or doesn't work until 12 that it's his morning, or something like that. Or that I get a break at night if he works 2 nights a week while we have the skids. Just SOMETHING so I can have some "me" time.

I used to take baths all the time....ohhh I miss that.

I like your idea of letting the skids sink or swim too, if FDH's around. You are right that our 4yo knows what he needs to do in the morning. He has 2 tasks: get dressed and brush his teeth.

Gigi82's picture

This is exactly what I am afraid of it DH and I decide to have our own children together. I practically have to taser him to get him out of the bed, and he always wakes up grumpy no matter how late in the day it is! He treats his DD7 very well, but I have found that I am almost always responsible for breakfast, bathing, grooming, and anything else that occurs between noon when she is with us. I love SD so much that I really didn't mind taking care of her at first, but it got old feeling like I was the only person pitching in. I told him when she left from her summer visit that I will not spawn his children until he can show me that he is able to get up and share the responsibilities with me equally!

I would tell him that if he is going to keep slacking on the care of your baby, then he can get up and do EVERYTHING for his kids on his own. Tell the kids to wake up Daddy when they need help getting dressed or to be taken to school. And why can't he watch the baby and do everything for the skids on his off day? It isn't fair that he gets a whole day off to nothing, and you care for his kids from a previous relationship AND endured grueling labor for the latest child that he won't look after. Where is your day off? You deserve one more than anybody!

SteppingUp's picture

Honestly the hardest thing about having a child with him has been his sleeping thing. He is DEAD TO THE WORLD. And he admits it, and feels bad about it often. Some nights it's just way easier for me to go pat the baby on the back and give him his paci when he wakes up than to sit there and jab and jab and jab FDH to get up out of bed to go take care of it. Takes me 30 seconds to do it myself, it would take about 3 minutes to get FDH out of bed. When he's awake, he's a great father! Smile He just doesn't really "see" what needs to be done...typical guy.

Gigi82's picture

It is easier sometimes just to do it, but then I always end up ticked that I am the one doing something by myself without his help. I couldn't handle it if we had a baby and he never pitched in. DH is the exact same way about being a deep sleeper! I could punch him in the face (very tempting sometimes) and he still wouldn't wake up. One time when he wouldn't wake up to go get SD on time, I threw water on him. Just a little bit of water, but enough to wake him up. He was so mad at me that day, and all I could do was laugh! Yes, I know I'm evil, but it got him up and it seems to have helped him get up more quickly when I tell him to now. He sounds a lot like your DH, a good guy, but needs to be told what to do, when he could just look around and use common sense as to what would be helpful around the house. Good luck!