How to bring up to BM that we feel her daughter should stay with her rather than coming to our house...
I fear that SD5 coming to our house is making life harder for everyone involved, especially SD.
Let me preface this with the fact that SD5 (who is not my fiance's child, she is SS3's older sister who visits us when we have custody of her brother) has some very great "moments". She can be loving, affectionate, sweet, and a joy to have around. But these moments are becoming much fewer and far between in the recent months.
Recently SD5's schedule changed with her bio father and now we're only seeing her 1 or 2 times a week alternating weeks. This past weekend was our first weekend EVER having only SS3...and it was absolute HEAVEN. He was such a good boy. He got no time outs, he barely acted up, he had no potty accidents, he was polite and had the greatest manners, he played with our friend's daughter sooo well. Both fiance and I were so relaxed all weekend long that when the time came for BM to pick up SS, we didn't want him to leave and SS cried because he wanted to stay. It seemed like we hadn't had enough time with him. Usually by Sunday (although we'd keep him in a heartbeat, I don't want it to sound like we don't want SS) we somewhat welcome the break....but that was also when we had SD and SS.
For the last two nights we've had SD5 again in the mix. Both kids were the worst I've ever seen them. SD was snotty as could be, had major attitude, started questioning everything that we do differently than BM (why don't you park over THERE instead of here when we wait for the bus, why can't you make me lunch so I don't have to eat hot lunch, why can't we go to the park by Mommy's house instead of this one...) and just constant arguing with her brother. In turn, SS3 was a naughty boy who kept trying to show off to his sister or something, crazy hyperactive, not listening at all, got 5 time outs plus 2 this morning alone, had 2 accidents in his pants. It's like he's a completely different person with his sister around.
I'm starting to think we should have SD5 stay with BM throughout the week now too. We'd still love to have her occassionally, but it seems like she's starting to struggle with not having a solid schedule and stability in her life. Especially she seems to WANT to go to BM's house and is constantly asking when Mom is going to pick her up next. She's totally BM's daughter and acts just like her. I don't know how to bring this up to DF without him thinking I'm just trying to oust SD5, although I know that he'll 90% agree with me that it'd be better for her to stay with BM, but then we don't know how to make it so that BM understands it's better for SD to have a more stable schedule at this point in her life.
Any ideas on how we can broach this subject with BM? In the past, BM and DF wanted to keep the siblings together as much as possible. Right now with SD being in school and SS getting more independent, they seem to be thriving better being separate those few nights a week.
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She has written a lot of
She has written a lot of history on this in her past blogs that explains all of this.
You are actually coming off looking kind of ignorant saying all this to her without either
1) waiting for her to respond before you get accusatory or
2) taking the time and effort to research what she is talking about before you pop off with an answer.
Well, first you said there
Well, first you said there were too many questions here. You then proceeded to give an answer, in quotes-
"Oh wait.... you say you don't know how to bring it up to DF, which tells me this is YOU that feels this way."
Without even knowing the facts.
It's your post. Its in black and white.
And I was simply trying to help you out. Perhaps you weren't aware that you were coming off that way.
I am sorry you are getting so upset and defensive. I hope your day gets better.
I don't think I sound
I don't think I sound foolish, but thank you for pointing that out-was that your attempt to be helpful? If so, thank you.
I tried to do the same for you, but my attempts were not appreciated.
I hope you can logically appreciate the fact that you became defensive with me over saying you sounded ignorant on a topic, and you retaliated by calling me foolish. I can see the humor
Once again, I hope your day gets better.
OP, I will not respond on this thread anymore, as I do not want to hijack your thread with anything that will take away from others helping with solutions to your problem. I hope everything works out for you!
I didn't feel attacked but
I didn't feel attacked but appreciate both of your comments. I'm aware that not everyone reads every blog and retains all the background info (which is why I try to include some when I post but then my posts get too long). No need to start anything here...no harm done!
I agree I need to talk to DF first and certainly will. But like I said I am 90% sure he'll agree with me on everything but then we'll be stuck at a stand-still not knowing how to broach the subject with BM without it sounding like we're backing out on SD.
Being that SD is only 5, I
Being that SD is only 5, I wouldn't wait for the issue to rectify itself. That would likely mean this upset will continue for another 5 years, at least...possibly longer.
The issue lies with the BF making commitments on the OP's behalf. It needs to stop. If he can't be there to spend time with the child, he needs to not agree to keep her. At the LEAST he needs to clear it with OP BEFORE he agrees to keep her to be sure the OP is willing to do so.
To the OP, keep your plans. You don't worry about getting her to a babysitter. He can do that on his way to work, or however he can work it out. You follow through with the plans you've committed to & let this fall on him. That's the only way it won't happen again.
I'm not sure you replied to
I'm not sure you replied to the right blog or read the issue through because although I appreciate your advice it doesn't make sense?
:?
Wrong post. Sorry!
Wrong post. Sorry!
You don't seem to be yourself
You don't seem to be yourself today storm.
Nah...I feel like this is my
Nah...I feel like this is my 5th Monday in a row. It's probably best I lay low the rest of the day.
Haha - I agree it seemed to
Haha - I agree it seemed to be a mix of responses to maybe 2 different blogs??
Ahh, it's Friday.
It must be really hard for sd
It must be really hard for sd to have THREE houses that she has to follow rules at, and must be confusing for her. Does she call your DF daddy and does SS3 go to sd's real father's house too, because if not I would think it might be better for sd to not come over so much, especially if SS does better when she is not there. Technically your DF doesnt have to take her at all, and BM will have to get over that. Maybe your DF could try to explain to BM how much better SS does when sd isnt around, and as well, that SD has been wanting to leave early and be with BM.
Okay, to answer some
Okay, to answer some questions that came up --
She's not my fiance's daughter, BM had her before they met and he helped to raise her, then they had their son and broke up. And yes, it's ME recognizing the stress that SD is under. Not that I necessarily want her "gone", I'm just concerned. My sister is a kindergarten teacher and she says having 50/50 custody is one of hte hardest things for kids that age...then you split it up between three parents who have 'custody' (even though ours isn't custody at all) it makes it even harder.
SD goes to her real/bio father's house every other weekend. Not only that, but she seems to spend a lot of that time with her bio father's mom, often talking about how she and Grandma did this and that...I'm not sure how much time she actually spends with just her bio dad. Then, often times the kids go to BM's mom's house on her weekend...so technically, SD has FIVE households with different expectations/schedules/things going on.
SS goes to our house half the time and BM's house (or her parents) so he has 3 households.
Thank you for your suggestions so far...would love to hear more! I'm thinking we'll surely have to kind of manipulate BM a little bit because (like letmebeme said) she values her alone time more than her time with her kids.
Does anyone think we should broach the subject with SD first to see how she feels? Maybe she'd just say she wants to go stay with mommy during the week anyway?
Completely agree with you and
Completely agree with you and I actually say that ALL THE TIME...having one more loving adult in the picture can only be good. But there is no consistency in SD's schedule. The only consistent thing she has is
Let me paint a picture of SD's life morning to night----
Monday: BM's house, school, daycare, our house
Tuesday: Our house, school, daycare, BM's house
Wednesday-Thursday: BM's house, school, daycare, BM's house, (but often one of these nights spent at BM's mom's house because BM goes out)
Friday: BM's house, school, daycare, Bio-dad's house
Saturday: Bio-dad's house, Bio-dad's mom's house
Sunday: Bio-dad's mom's house, BM's house
Monday: BM's house, school, daycare, BM's house
Tuesday: BM's house, school, daycare, BM's house
Wednesday: BM's house, school, daycare, our house
Thursday: Our house, school, daycare, our house
Friday: Our house, school, daycare, BM's house
Saturday: BM's mom's house
Sunday: Bm's mom's house, BM's house
Start over.
I meant to say the only
I meant to say the only consistent thing she has is school and daycare Mon-Fri. She's always asking, "Who's picking me up today?" or "Who's picking me up tomorrow?"
I just worry that SD is
I just worry that SD is getting confused by all the places she is going to. It has to be hard on her. Honestly, if it came down to it, your household would be the "easiest" to give up. She needs to maintain a relationship with BM, she needs to maintain a relationship with BD, but your house kind of comes last. Does that make sense?
That's basically what I'm
That's basically what I'm saying...it's all really confusing and I can see the stress of it starting to weigh on her, and that's coming out in her behavior.
When I met dh he was divorced
When I met dh he was divorced with ss,1 and then bm had a bd who was 4. Dh had been around since bm's bd was 1or 2-so for a couple of years anyway. When we first met-ss lived with bm as dh was working out of town-when he would take ss for the visit he also took bm's bd. BM found a new man within a month or so after the split so bm's bd also had a "daddy" figure in her house, as well as bio father that only saw her occassionally on holidays and such. We continued these visits as is for awhile, but then ss moved in with his and it effectively put an end to bm's bd visiting with us which I have always thought was good. She (bm's bd) already had 3 "dads" at age 4. How confusing is that? Your "sd" is only 5-it's not like your fdh has been her dad for 10 years (that may seem harsh to some, but its reality)-I would certainly not completely cut ties, but that is a busy schedule for a 5 year old visiting all her "parents"-now you are in the mix and you are yet another "parent". I dont know if her biodad has a wife, but there's another parent, and maybe bm will get a new boyfriend and she could have yet another parent which would give this child 6 "parents".
In our situation bm's bd is now 15years old. Bm's husband after dh stepped up about a year after ss moved in with us and tried to adopt her-which made her bio dad realize he wanted to be more invovled in her life. Biodad sees her now eow, bm divorced the other husband 5 years ago-and has had a different bf every year. So in the end I think it really worked out for her as she has strenghtened and maintained a relationship with her bio father. Think how ridicuolous if would be is the poor girl tried to maintain a visitation schedule with every stepfather or boyfriend of bm's over the years!
Wow - same situation,
Wow - same situation, essentially! I'm glad to have someone here who understands it. I have wondered in the past about when/if BM gets a guy who wants a parenting role...he's going to be mighty confused by the situation. SD essentially has 2 dads. Then her bio dad has a girlfriend although we've heard very little about her. And then a MILLION 'grandparents'.
I feel like the perfect situation would be one where SD asks if she can come over or go to my fiance's parents house or whatever...but that it's not a feeling of "obligation" that we currently have going on. We don't want to SEVER ties, we want to relax them.
That's crazy and very hard on
That's crazy and very hard on the kid!! The BM HAS to know this right?
I mean I understand your H had a role in her life, and I think it would be good if maybe every couple of months or so you guys had an outing together for a few hours w/the SS also....but otherwise it's probably best for your DH to step out of the picture as much and let the relationship w/her own BD grow more.
That schedule is insane. And yes you guys are doing the right thing by noticing this and addressing the mom. She's not doing what's best for the child.
I would print that out so she can see in black and white what she's subjecting the daughter too. Something has to give!
Of course that's why you're seeing behavior issues. Poor girl!
Wait-just thought of
Wait-just thought of somethign. Wasn't it just recently that you guys stopped the weekend visitations w/her though?
If so-then maybe a more gradual approach is in order? She's only coming over one/two days every two weeks right?
Maybe cut that to one day every couple of weeks? It might eventually phase out. I think I recall you guys just recently stopping the wknd visits though right? Maybe i'm mixed up though.
Yes it just happened recently
Yes it just happened recently so I do know that this would be a lot of change all at once if we broached hte subject right now. We don't have SD til Monday now so we'll just wait a couple more weeks to see how her behavior is probably before we'd mention it to BM. But yes, your memory is right!
Okay so it seems most of you
Okay so it seems most of you agree with me that this schedule is crazy.
Let me add another question:
Do you think we should bring this up with SD first? Maybe ask her how she feels about going to everyone's house and not knowing where she's going from day to day? Maybe lead into asking her if she would rather just stay at Mommys and she can come over any time she wants to our house, but that she could just ask us/BM if she can come instead of it automatically happening? Maybe we can see if she seems perceptive to that change first, then discuss with BM?
She's a very logical thinker, I think she would understand what we are saying. And we'd definitely emphasize that we are trying to make life easier for her.
I'd say yes...if she's
I'd say yes...if she's logical then I would ask her input first. You can still decide as you see fit, but kids are human beings with opinions and wants also....I think asking her is showing tremendous respect and sensitivity to her and her feelings. Awesome move!!
Then later talk to the BM.