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Annoyed that BM's parents favor SD over SS

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Wed, 06/30/2010 - 4:47pm

At least once a month, BM announces that her mother will be picking up SD5 to go to a movie or to come shopping with her or some other activity. It drives us crazy that BM's mom has NEVER, not ONE time, taken SS2 on his own. Today, we are picking up only SS2 from day care because BM's mom picked up SD5 at 1pm to go have fun. Poor SS2 had to sit at day care the rest of the day, knowing his sister was with Grandma having a good time! Sad Poor little guy.

Every time BM's mom comes to pick up SD5, we are instructed to keep SS2 out of sight so he doesn't "get upset" that he's not coming with. It's ridiculous, but we'll do it just so that he won't be 'as' hurt as a face-to-face denial of attention. He's almost 3 and now understands what's going on.

Is there something that DF can say to BM or BM's mom about this? It bothers him so much that he feel like his son is getting left out all the time just because he's a boy. BM's mom claims she can't "handle" both of them at a time and that's her excuse...yet she never takes JUST SS2 to make up for it.
What should he do?

Comments

Synaesthete's picture

Submitted by Synaesthete on Wed, 06/30/2010 - 5:31pm

Sad It makes me sad to see people do things like this. Maybe he could ask BM to say something to her mother, but only if it's likely it will accomplish anything besides giving her ammo for drama - it really depends on the type of BM you have and how willing she is to work with you guys for the kids. I would hope she'd care about the problem too, as SS2 is her child, too, but you never know these days. I suppose you could talk to BM's mom personally, but it sounds like she just makes excuses on her own.

Is it possible she's uncomfortable with how young SS is? Some people are not toddler people. -shrug- Have you guys tried calling BS on her "I can't handle them both" argument and tried to see what she was really feeling about it? Maybe approach it politely but directly the next time it comes up if you haven't yet.

Either way, it's unfair that she only ever takes out the little girl. I suppose the only thing you could really do, assuming she won't be swayed by you guys or by BM, would be to say she can't visit SD5 as much if she's going to leave out SS2. It would be kind of an extreme move to cut off some contact like that and may punish SD5 more than anyone else, but I'm not sure what else you could do. Other than that, control what you can and try to make SS2 feel loved at home.

starfish's picture

Submitted by starfish on Wed, 06/30/2010 - 5:35pm

get this ~~

mil ~ favors sd13 over ss10 so much it is fucking disgusting

bm's mom ~ favors sd13 over ss10, but is extremely fair borderline unseen to the unknowing

bm's dad ~ favors ss10 over sd13 it makes mil's favoritism look like nothing ~~ he is one of those that women should be spoken to and not heeard....

anabihibik's picture

Submitted by anabihibik on Thu, 07/01/2010 - 2:28am

My God kids are stb8 girl and 9yo boy. My friend's exH frequently drops his kids at his mom's house on the weekends because his current GF doesn't like his kids. Friends ex-MIL favors boy over girl ridiculously. He just turned 9 and she bought him a PS3. For girl's bday in August, she's planning on getting her a used bike if she "can find an affordable one." Girl also spends a ridiculous amount of time in timeout and doesn't understand why, even boy told friend it was unfair. Friend told ex-MIL that if she will treat kids equally or no longer be spending the current amount of time with kids. :sick:

It is a tricky situation. I don't think you can say much except for maybe when you let her have SD on DH's time, depending on her personality. It may cause drama only. I think it is def worth finding out if it is because of SS's toddler status as stated above.

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Thu, 07/01/2010 - 8:14am

Thanks for the advice everyone. It goes beyond time spent together too...SD5 gets new clothes, new shoes, new toys EVERY time she goes with BM's mom. Poor SS2 gets nothing. Then SD5 uses it against him later saying, "It's MINE. GRANDMA gave it to ME!" It's so sad!

I think I will encourage DF to say something to BM at least, to get her feelings on the situation. As far as being comfortable with a toddler, she used to take only SD when she herself was a toddler and SS was a baby! And from what DF tells me, SD was a HANDFUL! So...who knows. I think it's honestly that she's a girl and BM's mom can dress her up and play "pretty" with her.

I also think that it won't be happening any longer on OUR time with the skids. DF can simply use the excuse that it's HIS time and he wants to see them. BM's mom can see the kids on her time...

Synaesthete's picture

Submitted by Synaesthete on Thu, 07/01/2010 - 9:39pm

I also think that it won't be happening any longer on OUR time with the skids. DF can simply use the excuse that it's HIS time and he wants to see them. BM's mom can see the kids on her time...

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Agreed, very much.