Outsider in my own house
I'm new here and have been reading everyone's blogs for the past couple of weeks - it's so nice to know that there are other people out there that share these experiences. Honestly, if I had found this website when I first met my BF, I think I would have fun for the hills right then and there (and would never regret it).
There are sooooo many issues, but I will start with the big stuff and fill you in on all of the BM/Skid drama at another time. I have been with my BF for about 2 1/2 years (I'm 45, he's 47). I have no kids of my own. Just over a year ago, I moved in full time with him. About 7 months ago, we both sold our condos and we bought a house together. Like alot of you, I feel that I sacrificed alot to be with him and join his family, but have yet to feel that my BF has compromised for my sake at all. Being that the kids are teens (SS19 and SD16), there's lots of drama....most of it being generated by BM. We started with having the kids 50/50 and we have them full time(at least for now). I have bent over backwards to accommodate BF and his kids. So many boundaries that I set in place with my BF when we bought our house together have been shattered (curfews, education, etc) - - to me, I feel that all I do is cave in to BF and his kids.....when I don't it's WWIII.
Now that we have a home together, it seems that SO MUCH has changed in our relationship in the past 6 months. My biggest issue is that BF wants us to be a family, but seems to want to make all the of decisions regarding his kids by himself (he has been divorced about 4 years). We agree on something about this kids, or BF says we are going to discuss something further before we act and yet it seems time after time, he just goes ahead and does what he wants anyways. Some issues are small (like his son doing homework) and others are big (like his daughter moving in with us full time). He always has an excuse as to why he didn't consult me first or acted against my wishes ("there was no time to talk to you", "I misunderstood what we agreed to", "I thought I told you", or my personal favourite: "I didn't think it was a big deal").
I am so fed up with being marginalized in this relationship. When I try to discuss it with him, he usually ends up getting mad with me, saying that all I do is criticize him. He says that he never means to hurt me and that he's trying to make the best decisions that he can. I just don't buy it anymore. I've told him if he wants to make the decisions for his kids, that's fine, but don't expect me to be their cook and maid and to support all 3 of them with the BM drama. I also told him that if he were still married, that he would NEVER have gone against BM becuase SHE IS THEIR MOTHER and her opinion would be important - - thus proving that I have some sort of sub-par position in this family.
I keep hoping that some day, he will "get it"........but it just doesn't happen.
I'm hoping to get some advice as to what else I could possibly say to my BF to get him to see that he is undermining our relationship and killing any chance that we would ever be a family.
Sorry this is long -- just wait until I really get going 
Thanks for listening.
SteppedInIt (hey - do you like my name, I worked hard on it!!)
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Comments
I don't have great practical
I don't have great practical advice, but I will say that you sound a lot like I did a few years ago. That "outsider in my home" feeling has almost completely gone away (and it was a STRONG feeling in the early days). I think it's really important for you to have a LOT of long conversations about your boundaries now -- if you let it go, it will be harder to break ground later. I'd give him a written list of things that you need to know about, want to participate in, etc. Sometimes I find that DH reads a lot better than he listens...perhaps yours is the same!
Same, here, my situation is
Same, here, my situation is very similar, except I have teenagers and my BF has a little girl. We don't live together anymore because it was too stressful for me. I have felt, and still feel at times, exactly like you.
All I can say is if I could go back in time, I would have made more demands. You are the adult and as an adult, and as one of the people who is paying for this new family, you should have control over what does and doesn't happen in your family. You sound very level-headed and I strongly doubt any of your requests have been unreasonable or anything other than beneficial to your BF's kids. If you largely keep quiet and continually "take one for the team" you're likely to end up resentful and bitter like me. It's very hard for me to get over it...not sure if I can.
Have you thought about couple's counseling? We went and it was so so helpful; unfortunately, we went too late. I wish we'd gone in the very beginning so we would have had help navigating the stormy waters of BM and SD.
Good luck to you...btw, I like your name
Nice name! All I want to
Nice name!
All I want to say is, I feel for you! I think the most important thing to know is that you ARE NOT ALONE... because before I came across Step Talk, I felt alone. It was depressing because I wanted to scream and shout and cry about all the troubles I was having... and I was terrified to talk about any of my step problems with everyone else because no one I knew personally was in a step family. So I am absolutely delighted you found this site. 
Now... my exH was the exact same way as your BF. They must be twins! He always insisted that I was a part of the family and blah blah blah. Then when it came down to working together as a team with his daughter, he would push me away. His favorite phrase was, "You're not a parent... you don't understand." I was getting so sick of hearing that. I know I'm not a parent, but I know the difference between right and wrong, and guilt parenting is wrong! Also, we have an unbiased stance with these children so it's easier for us to see what they truly are. Well, I don't know how your steps are, but my ex step daughter was a rotten brat. ExH didn't see it though! She was a perfect little angel, and every time I dare UTTER word that was not of rainbows and daisies, I was considered a witch. ExH and I got into many fights because he thought I was too cruel. For example, one time I corrected my ex step daughter when she didn't say please. ExH jumped down my throat and said that she is only nine years old, and how should we expect a nine year old to know manners.
I kept saying it would get better... HOPING that it would, but it never did. It only got worse. It may or may not get better with your BF. It's always hard to say. Maybe you need to take some time to yourself. Go out for a weekend. Maybe stay with some family and try to figure out what you want in life. Maybe this separation will make BF realize how important you are to his life... maybe it will open his eyes a bit... and then maybe when you come home, you and BF can sit down and have a heart to heart talk about what needs to change... or that little weekend getaway is going to be permanent, and he will lose the best thing he had going for him.
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss
Wow - I'm already touched
Wow - I'm already touched that you would all take the time to give me such thought responses!! It really DOES help!!
Maybe I will try writing my expectations down for my BF - I tried that once before, last fall, when I was trying to dis-engage (BF didn't want me to). I guess whether it helps or not, at least I would know that I clearly stated my demands, and that he was the one that chose to act on them.
Since we moved in togther, I think I have been very vocal about my issues - - but I guess it's that all of the little things (and now the big things) have built up and I now seem to tolerate less and less.
I believe that my BF's kids are not bad (deep down anyways), but the have HUGE issues due to inconsistent/lax parenting. Home life with BM was pretty messed up. I always thought that BF was the parent with boundaries (well, I guess compared to BM he was, anyways), but his kids are just a product of their environment, so it can be trying as there are barely any rules that they have been held to. Since I came into their lives so late, it's hard to start setting rules, since they so grown up. I think they do try to behave reasonably, but again, it's hard after a lifetime of indulgence.
Thankfully, I am going away for 9 days at the end of April with a girlfriend, so perhaps the time apart may help him realize how much I do for him and his kids......my fear is though, that the time apart won't affect BF, but will instead make me realize that I can't life like this anymore. Maybe I want to fix something that is not fixable. I'm a professional woman who made her own money and carved a path through a very rocky road over the years - it's amazing how over the span of a few months, I have become depressed, feel helpless, and have gained about 20 lbs to boot!
Welcome! I dealt with the
Welcome! I dealt with the same issues that you are dealing with for almost 4 years. DH and I had talk, after talk, after talk about these same things. He always acted like they were HIS kids, HIS rules, HE would deal with BM however he saw fit and I was just expected to deal with the outcome. He wanted to be able to do what he wanted, when and how he wanted yet he tried to force a relationship with his children on me constantly. No matter how I tried to tell him that he cant have it both ways nothing changed and he didnt care how it effected me. We went through problem, after problem with BM, a huge, expensive court battle (which I helped fund), etc. and not a single change in his behavior.
Things changed pretty abruptly 4-5 months ago. We had a huge issue with BM/SK's and he handled it like he always did, on his own. The way he handled it turned out to be so wrong that it blew up in his face and created a big mess. Such a mess that he finally decided that he needed my help to "fix it". Because I care so much for him, I "bailed" him out and got the situation under control. Since then he has involved me in almost everything. It has only been a short time so I am still a little skeptical as to how long he will continue to involve me but I am seeing progress.
I would say you need to dis
I would say you need to dis engage. A LOT. And you need to engage, ONLY when it has to do with you.
Skids homework, not your problem. No curfew, not your problem. And so on and so on.
Letting a skid move in without consulting you. YOUR problem. I hope you had a fit over this one.
I am really dis-engaged and I still feel like an outsider. But not as much as I would if I was being treated like you are. And if I was engaged, I know DH would be the same as your DH.
Just try not to sweat the small stuff. I know that is easier said than done, I still vent and gripe. I just don’t do it at home.
I agree that disengaging
I agree that disengaging could be a solution - alot of stuff would end up back in his lap. If I disengage, I would think that would also include a re-assessment of how household expenses are divided up (currently we split mortage and utilities 50/50). Maybe I could suggest that if BF wants to make all of the decisions, then maybe he can pay his share of the household costs (75%). Bwahahaha (evil laugh)!
I just need to figure out how to disengage and still have authority over big things (like SD moving in full time). Also, BM struggles to control her kids while at our house so we seem to always have her phoning and texting the kids - - - I'm actually considering getting a cell phone blocker for the house so she can't bother us!!
If his kids stay at your
If his kids stay at your house more than every other weekend, then, heck yea, he should be paying more than 50% of the bills. He should be paying ¾ of them. If you rent, he should be paying more for that also. (If it is a mortgage, it should be 50/50)
DH and I have only been married a bit over a year. SS moved in a few months ago. And I have come a long way over the last few months. It used to upset me so much to see how SS was treated and how he treated DH. Now I can just sit there and grin as SS lies in DH’s face, or is failing school or all of the other things.
Just FYI – I know there is ALWAYS a chance that the SKIDS can come live with you. They are you DH’s kids. But I thought we were safe. SS only had a year of HS left and did not think BM would give up her nice chuck of CS. Fooled me!!
Even being disengaged, I would have never gotten married if I have actually know SS could end up living with us.
You are definitely not
You are definitely not alone. I don't have anything constructive for you as I'm going through something fairly similar (at times!). The trick is being able to discuss things without getting angry, something BF and I are not very good at yet. Good luck and I love the name
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Thanks - you're all
Thanks - you're all awesome!!
I always knew there was a chance we'd have the skids full time. And I was OK with that (knowing it was best for the kids). But so much has happened since we moved in together, that at least I wanted to take a deep breath and talk before BF moved SDs things in the house. 6 months ago, I would have been thrilled she was moving away from her toxic BM (drinking, drugs, abusive boyfriend, the whole 9 yards), but so much has happened since then, that I am more afraid of the hell that BM will put us through now that her precious daughter has moved out. BM and her family have lots of money, your toes would curl if I told you how much $$ is wasted by BM to buy their love (and often to buy their forgiveness). It's sick, actually.
We are supposed to see a new therapist next week. We saw one last month (twice) who I didn't like at all - he kept saying that it was OK to let the kids do whatever they want and that I should give them their 'space'. He said I should just go on holidays and forget about it. I hope the new therapist is better, or I don't know what else to do.
I think if I acted like I
I think if I acted like I didn't care what him or his kids do for the next couple of weeks it would freak him out - - maybe that's what I need to do.
thx!
It's always a possibility
It's always a possibility and if you are not prepared to deal with it, you should not marry someone with kids under 18.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I completely agree with this statement!! I held off on getting married to DH for over 8 years because I knew the issues that came along with SS and BM and DH’s bad parenting.
I thought it was safe once SS hit 16/17 or so. I was out of my mind. Lol. I do know that if we had gotten married 8 years ago, (when he first asked) we would now be divorced. HOPEFULLY I only have about a year left with this mess.
PS, and they don’t always move out at 18 either. Just food for thought. lol
Yes, no matter how head over
Yes, no matter how head over heels I can be with BF, I agree that marriage while the kids are still in the house would be a disaster!
So far, we really haven't co-mingled our finances for that same reason.
I was married for 12 years previously (my husband died of cancer at age 41). While we didn't have kids, it is that marriage that has taught me that things not yet OK in this relationship......I'm willing to wait it out, or leave if I have no other option.
SS is 19 already; says he's moving out in Sept. but I'll believe it when I see it (I think he'd be back in 2 months anyways). College is not in his future. SD may go away to college, but it's still too early to tell. They both have huge issues to work through - - again, mostly their mother's doing.....
vickmeister, you are
vickmeister, you are absolutely right. And on one level, I'm already there. I've only been in their life for a bit over a year. If the skids don't graduate, it's not my problem. If they want to stay out all hours or eat pizza and cake for breakfast, whatever. While I can say that, doing it is another issue. Part of it is me wanting what's best for the kids (I need to get over that, I know), part of me is frustrated that my BF and I struggle to get chores and yard work done on the weekends, while SS19 hides in the basement and plays video games, part of it is that my BF gets moody due to his kids behaviour which rubs off on me. I guess I naturally fall into "the fixer" role and I have to get over that. Maybe I could learn to adjust, but again it comes back to drawing the line when it affects me and the household, I don't want him to think he can steamroller over me with the bigger decisions........we're seeing a therapist on Monday, so maybe it will help - - I hope so!!