}:) In may late 2o's I had finally given up finding a man and was resigned to being alone but happy. Within weeks of me telling God that if alone is the way I was going to be then so be it I met my husband. To sum it up in one phrase hell froze over and became the second Antarctica. He came with a total of three kids and a wife which he told me he was legally separated from. I found out after I had given him my heart and the key to my apartment that they were still married but living separate lives. My step-son was 4 at the time and it turns out he was not her son either but from a extramarital affair he had had when they were both ding their own things. I know what you're thinking why didn't I run then I would have been free and clear. When they say love is blind they forgot to mention it is not only blind, but deaf, illiterate, stupid, and completely niave. I can look back now and see myself for the fool I was. I was single with no kids my own stuff and taking care of myself, but for some odd reason I felt I was lacking something. I went in head first and thought this little boy is so cute and aloof and how neat is that. I had no idea that I would now being sitting here contemplating divorce or a visit the psych unit.

My husbands 2 older children hated me and today we have no contact at all between them. The divorce between him and his ex-wife was simple enough, but the fact that she felt the need to tell her children things they had no business knowing made the end result bitter for both sides. They felt like I had taken their baby brother away when I felt like they only cared about him when it came to getting their father to come around. So after a battle of back and forth my step-son was ours 100%. No more weekends away with his siblings since again I opened my big mouth and said it's not fair that they get him every weekend and we don't. Why not "I suggested we do every other weekend", to which his ex-wife stated "I don't want him then". Little did I know that I would never again have a weekend to myself much less 5 minutes to sit on the toilet without someone asking me a question. Did I mention a date with my husband.

The red flags were all around but I chose to push past them because I thought it was only fear that made me want to run away. However, after 9 years a diagnosis of ADHD and anxiety for my step-son those red flags were not fear but serious warning I should have headed. By the way the adhd diagnosis came when my step-son was about 5 and only after I (yes I will take the credit) told my husband something is not right with him.

Now, here comes the reason for my current anger and resentment. Before the adhd was diagnosed my SS would throw angry fits probably the worst temper tantrums I think anyone has ever seen. I fought with a 4 yr old and I cried thinking why is this happening. My grandmother told me I was getting "damaged goods". I told her she was wrong and this could work, I thought I could help him and what he needed most was stability, love , & patience. Along with adderral and anxiety medication but that came later. My husband even at the beginning was not their for me emotionally it started to show within months and for some silly reason I thought he would change. He would do things like just sit there when my SS needed something or not pay any attention to the emotional cues my SS was giving. He became what his ex-wife said he would which is a distant father and husband, someone who is selfish only really caring for himself. How I should've headed her warnings but who in the heck listens to the BM or EW anyway.

Some are probably wondering where is my SS birth mother well she left when my SS was about a year and my husband got full custody, she was a horrible mother from my husbands account. This kid was left in the same diaper and clothes as when my husband dropped him off the day before. He would pick him up and he would be sitting in his crib crying. The bond regardless of my husbands later and now emotional distance was built then. The bond most definitely came from my husband being the only consistent person in his life. Even now he can do no wrong when I of course can and do. After my HB got custody that was the last he saw her after 11 years and back child-support in the thousands my SS has no idea of who this woman is. He only knew my HB's EW as mom which is who he called mom when I came into the picture. My selfish, controlling I want to be the best because what person doesn't want to best the ex decided that he should call me mom. A mistake I greatly resent to this day and I always will. How being vain only leads to being resentful later should be a lesson we all learn at some point in ours lives.

To skip all the in between crap and come to the now. I myself found out last year that I can't have children so to push the dagger in more deeply I have to look at a child who is not mine but am expected to treat him like he is. My foolish young self created a horrible future for the now wiser older self. I thought in my way I was creating a more stable home for my SS, and in a lot of ways I did, but now I am stuck in relationship to which I am it seems forever bound. My HB older children as I stated earlier are no longer around, we have no support no one to call on when we need adult time. After 7 years of this and most likely the 7 year itch of marriage I feel like I am a no one. My identity I fear has been rubbed away and in it's place a mother, wife, banker, accountant, housekeeper, travel agent, and customer service rep has been left.

Guilt has brought me to this point it it's now much clearer to see as I write this. Guilt because I had no right to come in and take over this man or his child's life. Now that I have inadvertently pushed everyone out I am left to pick up the pieces and mess that of which I have caused. I have caused my own destruction my own misery. Do I deserve to take all the blame? No, I don't but I do have take most of it. I ignored my brain and left my heart and emotions to make the decisions that have brought me here today.

I won't say that the above revelation takes away my anger or resentment, but it does force me to look at my role in all of this. My SS is a hell raiser and he has not made it easy and I suppose I should take pride in knowing that without me he would not be a functional, loving, and caring child. He loves me I know but I think it's easier to believe that he doesn't sometimes to ease my own guilt. It's hard for most to understand what it feels like to not be able to have children of your own. Especially if the reason is due to being a stupid teenager and young adult who went against her own intelligence doing things that would prove to be self-destructive to her body later on. I can admit my faults and mistakes without batting an eyelash even if it is a hard pill to swallow. I suppose I always look at my SS as the child that will never be mines, but that would be a lye.

I think sometimes my humbleness and tendency to downplay my part in my SS growth and abilities now are a way of shielding myself or even playing the martyr. Whatever the case I have to give myself credit and maybe if I do that I can shed some of this anger and resentment. I do wish my HB would consider my emotions and what I have been through these long years, and stop pretending like I am my SS mother and am automatically bonded to him. Mother in no way means you automatically bond to that child. Mother does not mean you have to stay. Mother does not mean you have to forget about your needs, wants and desires. Lastly MOTHER does not mean you are no longer an individual.

My mother taught me a lot but she did not teach me how to be a mother. I kind of just went with it and when you have no clue it's easier to do that. I try to look at this as God's way of giving what he knew I could never have, but my goodness really! Could I have had any say so? Was it really necessary to give me the child that is the poster child for ADHD and OPD? I am the most impatient, moodiest, easily annoyed, with the mouth of a sailor woman I know. I don't know if he thought this would be funny or not, but I am not amused. I know they say God moves in a mysterious ways but this is not just mysterious it's just plane confusing. I know I am not the best SM but I am the best MOM. I will claim my SS on most days and it's fun to be able to do that. When they say he must get it from his mother I can laugh and say " Probably but since I didn't birth him how the hell should I know" and walk away with my head high because I know that my DNA has absolutely NOTHING to do with why he stares into space and talks to himself or has the attention span of a piece of paper. Don't forget to add that you didn't have to go through labor or get the stretch marks (even though I have them, its just from being a little overweight). Ah, life is good! I suppose I should think my SS for showing me that I am not mother made material, that kids are not for me. So, even though I can't give him back to his birth-mother or my HB EW on the weekends it's ok. As long as he knows that I'm here for him and that I would do anything for him that's all that matters.

For anyone who reads this and was feeling like I was, I hope you can laugh a little before going home to be the MOM not just the step-mother. If you don't laugh you'll cry they say well I say if you don't tequila and lots of it you will not only cry but who wants a crying drunk?

A wise step mother once said(actually it was me who said it just now) "That I am the lucky one since my stomach though large is not so from a large child sitting in it for 9 months camping out and then refusing to leave, I don't do kegel exercises because I had to push a head the size of a watermelon though a opening only large enough for a tampon I do them because I don't want my husband to know that he is not the only man to get lucky."