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lying and manipulation

Stepmom1987's picture

I am now a mom of 4, 2 of my own and 2 step children. The oldest, which is 11, has many many issues.  Psychological, and psychical.  ADHD, depression, anxiety, undiagnosed histrionic personality disorder (it’s the only thing that makes sense relating to all the things she does regularly after hours and hours of research), she still goes to the bathroom on herself regularly. One of my biggest issues is her lying and manipulation.  She constantly is going home and telling her mom lies, constantly lying to me and my husbands face.  She accuses my daughter of abusing her mentally and psychically and that is not the case at all.  They do fight like sisters, but most times they get along.  I believe it has a lot to do with the fact that she knows her mother doesn’t want her to have a good relationship with us and encourages her to talk badly about my daughter, which in turn hurts my daughters feelings.  She makes up some of the craziest lies, constantly.  She also goes to the school nurse all the time, she even pretends to throw up to get out of school. My children have none of these issues, so when I started to realize all of her issues I was just overwhelmed.  She meets with a psychologist, but for whatever reason the psychologist knew almost none of the things I described above until my husband went in and told her.  I feel as though the mother does the things she’s suppose to do but sugar costs everything. Like yeah I take my child to a psychologist, so no one can say anything bad about HER as a mother (which in my mind is all she cares about really) but then doesn’t tell the psychologist the full truth to get the child the real help she needs... it’s all really bizarre to me. I don’t know if the mom doesn’t care? If she doesn’t see all the problems? If she’s just oblivious? If she just wants to ignore it? She also encourages her to have a boyfriend, yet she’s on the mental capacity of like a 6-7 year old (and on the same educational level) It’s really scary and sad.  

Ive encouraged my husband to be more involved in all doctors appointments, and he has been for a year or so. What else should we do? 


MoominMama's picture

She sounds just like SD that used to live here. She was 13 when DH and I married. At first she was ok, acted like 'butter would'nt melt' etc. It was all an act. Before long she was having histrionic episodes of wailing and crying hysterically when she didn't get her way. She was manipulative and vindictive. She was constantly on her phone texting her mother telling lies and twisting the truth to her advantage. It was horrible living with her. Nothing made a difference. Luckily, when her father didn't budge and bow down to her princessness she left to live with BM. Hooray!  but... it didn't stop there. She then came over every other weekend and expected to be treated like royalty.This lasted for about 2 months then she tried to manipulate further by saying she would not come over at all if 'blah blah blah'. Her father just said 'ok'. Then she started the campaign to sully my DH and also me to some extent. She claimed he was psychologically abusive etc and we had her, BM and also BM's friends emailing, fb messages of abuse and DH's life was threatened. They demanded that he leave me. Only last year she was on the phone screaming at DH because her mother has to pay a paltry $60 a month in CS to DH for her brother.


This is to explain that it does not get better. As they get older they get even better at causing distress and lying etc. I can't see that the psychologist will help very much as this type of personality rarely benefits from it. They do not tell the truth, they manipulate the therapist and actually learn how to be even better at what they do through misleading the therapist. Apart from that there is nothing that can be done by you. In fact I would suggest that you disengage. For your own sanity. Keep your daughter safe from her. Don't leave them alone together, god knows what she will claim. Make sure YOU are never alone with her. Your DH needs to take on the total care of his child whilst she is at his home and never leave you and your daughter vulnerable to her toxic behaviour.

Whist I agree with Eastfacing and think that is a good way to try to help the situation I have to say that i've been through this personally and I really don't think all the therapy in the world would help. I hope i'm wrong. If the mother cannot or will not see it either then there is little chance of any improvement.

Kes's picture

Very good post by Eastfacingwindow.  Children of this age are not usually diagnosed as having a personality disorder as it labels them and this can be detrimental. 

Wetting herself and telling lies constantly are a sign of disturbance.  It sounds like her mother is a big part of the problem.  Encouraging a child of 11 to have a boyfriend is bizarre.