There's no reason she needs to know before it happens. Sure...after the wedding call her up & tell her you just got married.

Don't give her the opportunity to create drama on your big day.

Skids & BM knew what day we were getting married, only because we wanted the skids to be there. Of course, that was easy for her to put a stop to, & we knew to expect it. She told them she felt she should be invited, so they decided they would come only if BM & her BF were invited. There was no discussion. We just accepted they wouldn't be there.

We knew if they had the when & the where she'd show up. I don't know that she would've purposely tried to ruin it, but with an already stressful day, we didn't want that worry to overshadow our joy.

It's no different than a couple eloping & announcing their marriage afterward. If you don't plan to have the child there anyway, there's no obligation to announce it to her beforehand.

I felt the same way, so we eloped and told no one until we got back... when we got back and told my SD she jumped in my arms she was so happy. When SD told BM of course BM said "See they didn't want you to be part of their wedding". I told my SD that this was a celebration for her dad and I and no one else...so that said no one wrecked our wedding and we had a beautiful day...

I wish you well..enjoy this wonderful day that is between you and your husband to be....cheers to you both.... Z

He wants to tell her? Why, to make her jealous and flip out? He has no obligation to say anything to her. It's his life!

We didn't tell BM or Skids either. We did tell skids we planned on it and texted them from another Country to tell them it was taking place.

It really bothers the BM, she even brought it up in Court when it has nothing to do with the case. I think it might burn her buns a little that the man she had an affair with is still legally married to another woman too. Oh last Christmas she got a "promise ring" too bfd. Promise of what????

I'd ask Future Hubby why he thinks its important to tell her. The advice to run isn't correct in my opinion.

Our BM was notified that we were getting married in one of their court hearings. When her lawyer continued referring to me as "the live-in girlfriend" the Guardian Ad Litem spoke up & asked DH, "This woman he's referring to as your live-in-girlfriend, is she not your soon-to-be bride?".

DH said BM's jaw DROPPED. He said it was HILARIOUS & she was shot for the rest of the hearing.

We never did give any info as far as the when & where though.

When my DH and I got married, I wanted his younger 2 kids (aged 5 and 6 at the time) there for the service and the afternoon party but not in the evening, as it would have ruined our evening party and wedding night if we'd had 2 clingy, attention seeking kids to look after. There was no one else to babysit, and they would have been whining for bed at 8pm and clinging to dad like limpets - no way I was having them spoiling my special night like that! Fortunately DH agreed and tried to arrange for BM to pick them up late afternoon, but we had to tell her it was my brother's wedding as we knew for sure that she would have refused if she'd know the truth, just to spite us and make sure we were stuck with the kids on our wedding night. As it turned out, the kids were ill and they went to her place a day early, so they missed the whole day. I wasn't that sorry, as I'd had nightmares for months before the wedding of her not turning up to collect them so I was relieved that we had the whole day to enjoy ourselves, relax and not worry about whining kids and unreliable BMs. She did find out afterwards but by then it was too late. She was furious at the photos we put on Facebook of us with my older stepson and my bio daughter dressed up and having a great time - hilarious!!

I don't know why your partner feels the need to tell her about the wedding - he's moved on and isn't with her any more so it's none of her business. If she's the vindictive type she may suddenly decide she can't look after her kid that day and you'll be lumbered. His loyalties should lie with you, not her, and I think you need to find out exactly why he thinks she's entitled to know. Then tell him in no uncertain terms how you feel and that you expect him to do as you ask. It's your special day and you don't want to start your marriage off badly, so you need to have it out with him asap.

Good luck for your big day.

What gives her the right to know?

BM found out that H and I got married when we sent the new insurance cards for the skids that had my married name on it.

BM forbade my skids from telling us ANYTHING regarding her getting knocked up in April or married in August. Too bad for her we found out about it anyway... Not sure why she would not want us to know - we were ECSTATIC!

If the wedding has nothing to do directly with the kids (as in, they're not attending) then she has no need to know about it until afterwards. I'd just discuss how important this is to you with your fiance and hopefully he will understand. My guess is he's trying to look like the 'bigger person' by just being honest with BM and telling her about the upcoming plans. I think that's normal and I could see my fiance doing the same, without really thinking it was a big deal. But it sounds like you're having a somewhat private wedding and in all reality, she DOESN'T need to know until it happens, and you should be open and honest with your fiance that you'd rather it be about the two of you and not have to worry (even if it seems petty) that she might "ruin" your day in some way. Guys just don't think the same way as we do about this kind of thing.

*Sigh* This makes me wish we could keep our info on the down-low from BM as well. But it's going to be a huge wedding...and the skids will be IN the wedding (flower girl and ring bearer) so I won't be surprised if we find BM lurking in the crowd. The ceremony will be at a public park so it's quite possible. I don't think she'd "ruin" it, but I would be REALLY annoyed that she showed up. I told DF she can come to see the kids dressed up before or after the wedding, but there's no way she's "invited" to attend the ceremony or reception in any way.

Before you take this next step, you and your DH really should have a discussion about boundaries. Decide what boundaries you need (how do you feel about BM contacting DH excessively, will she be allowed into your home, will she be invited to family functions that you host with/for skids). Write these things down, they are important and then have that discussion immediately...before you walk down that aisle. While a marriage ceremony or wedding is usually a pretty public affair, the decision and the union itself are very intimate and private. If you start conceding your wishes and needs now, it will only get worse, I'm afraid.